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| Don't go there, Gurrfren! That shit ids nastee. |
Oh boy, oh boi, oh buoy, if you're easily offended, please-to DO NOT read on past the jump. Because me and Shamblina are at it full NSFW style, and like a 400 item buffet, nothing is off limits from our carnal desires. I stumbled upon this treasure of a Gchat in the archives of awesome known as my inbox, and I couldn't stop marveling at how ridiculous we got talking more shit than a backed up gas station toilet after an all you can nom crab-meat festival. So grab your sibling, send the kiddies to bed, and click on that "keep reading" shiz to revel in how much more offensive interesting my online chat-sessions are than yours...
---------------------------------------------------------------- So here's the setup. A friend of ours (let's call them Douchelord) is suddenly too famous to act like they know us anymore. Also, one of our fave shows, Roseanne's Nuts, gets cancelled by Lifetime. (RIP Shambles).
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| Wrong Rosie, looks just like Douchelord though. |
Shamblina: so what's Douchelord's deal?
AG: I dunno. Back to Rosie's nuts though, pretty sure she saw it coming as she's working on a scripted project at ABC now
Shamblina: yeah. awesome.
AG: if i wanted to work in the field that [Douchelord] works in, i'd really kill myself, but since i don't give a shit it's not that big of a deal
Shamblina: all true.
AG: we should roll up in [his place] and be super gay and throw herpes at him
Shamblina: he probably already has them
it annoys me that i have so much dislike for him
AG: probably not, but he did have that thing with you that one drunken night... slut.
Shamblina: :: pretending that night never happened Shambles.he's slept around more than you would think
AG: i know, and it may seem like jealousy but it's not entirely, it's just what's his problem why's he shunning us like we're Arab women who showed our eyes or whatever and getting rewarded for it?
SIDE NOTE: who was it that messed around with [other closeted gaywad former friend]?
Shamblina: he slept with [Holiday Hanger]
AG: wait [Douchelord] slept with [Holiday Hanger]?
Shamblina: yep
they dated briefly
AG: shut your ween-holding mouth! Also, come to think about it, i think it was some frat tool not [Douchelord] that slept with [Other closeted gay former friend-- Closet Case].
Shamblina: [Closet Case] was scared shit about being gay
even though.... he was SO gay and I'd love to scare his shit with my ween.
AG: Gross. me too. Hot dogs and bagels style.
5 minutes
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So this is the point in which the conversation takes a regretfully obscene turn. I apologize for any of the proceeding but hey, "Art is truth" or whatever... even though this ain't art. Shamblina: great, so [Douchelord] has lovuhs, cute exes, and i'm on Grindr meeting 50 year olds and remembering the good old days when I didn't hate my life, lovelyAG: Yeah, about that. Therapy much?
5 minutes
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| Yuh doin' it wrong, Hunty. TRUST! |
Shamblina: [Closet Case] was too skinny, but i wanted to fuq him anyway, he was hairy.AG: Why are you still stuck on him? I wish I was stuck on/in him. Tee hee. NTWayz back to the bitching at hand. Why are we so pathetic?
Shamblina: ugh. why can't we just fast forward a few years, until we're bitchy and successful. not just bitchy.
AG:: okuurrr?
Shamblina: his legs were like ethiopian famine skinny, just much whiter
AG: i know, but frat closeted dick is frat closeted dick
Shamblina: truth.
ohgawd. i want frat closeted dick.
AG: amen bitch, also I thought we were moving on? Back to Douchelord preez, I'm not done complaining about his life while we fester in irrelevance.Shamblina: Truth.
AG: I can see [Douchelord] dying in his house years down the road from autoerotic exphyxiation as his kids come in to surprise him, and he leaves a note reading "i'm gay", or like "sorry I ate the last chicken nugget".
Shamblina: no, that second one is you, he'll get fired for fuqing his mormon assistant.
AG: i hope not, that makes me more jealous. We all know how I feel about Mormon missionaries. Aaaoooogggaa!
Shamblina: Seriously, but he WILL be super ugly in a matter of years.
AG: more like days
Shamblina: minutes.
AG: Bless. I really just wanna bone his boyfriend so i ruin their relationship, and because i really just wanna bone his boyfriend
and then when [Douchelord] is there sobbing i'll be like "sorry, bitch, guess you shoulda returned my email, and then i'll spit the boyfriends baby-juice in his face and say, "that means anger!"
Shablina: and that would be awesome. I did that once. but it wasn't d-juice it was spit and it wasn't anger it was a sex thing.
AG: I repeat. Therapy much? Shamblina: Look who's talking, your blog should just be like "cry for attention and help dot com, my life as a lardass". AG: I already tried that, but the domain name was already taken by the Kardashian family.Shamblina: Lame joke, kill yourself.AG: Whatever. If I ever did that whole jizz spit anger thing I'd A - Hate myself more than I do and feel dirty because that's hideous, and B - i'd freak out that i had herpes for letting half a baby in my mouth but you know, tomato tomahto
Shamblina: at least [Douchelord] would sob.
AG: yeah, def worth herpes
| 120 minutes |
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Finally we come to the incest and rape portion of our Gchat. No conversation with Shamblina is complete without these two hot topics, so again: viewer discretion is advised.
AG: i've reached a new level of low, the cepthisface [everything looks good 'cept his face] Australian phone guy is here and i was following him around pretending to grab his ass and smelling him when his back was to me.
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| Sorry, Ashley... thought that was my vajoinuh. |
AG: i've reached a new level of low, the cepthisface [everything looks good 'cept his face] Australian phone guy is here and i was following him around pretending to grab his ass and smelling him when his back was to me.
Shamblina: that's a bit rapey
AG: Gotta get it somehow. Besides, it's only rape if you get caught. #PennStateProverbs (too soon?)Shamblina: Don't get me started on that, we already talked about weird sex stuff and it's not even lunch yet.AG: Oh man lunch. NTWayz, Aussie phone dude smells so good sometimes, and sooo shitty other times, he wears like old man cologne or Bod or something Armenian/Greek like that
also my keyboard is covered in chicken strip bits and grease and it looks like dried cum
which it very much well could be but i don't think it is
Shamblina: you are a mess.
AG: i really am
Shamblina: a serious "i just fuqed my sister in the ass" mess
why is incest among strangers hot... but personal incest traumatic?
AG: So prophetic... I for real never though about that but I wonder. Oh and replace "my sister" with "your brother" and we might be in business. talk about boner patrol!
Shamblina: he could use a good ass beating. he's been a little bitch as of recent.
AG: come on, i mean to Master Grenadine.
Shamblina: gag.
AG: Oh he will. (see what I did there Shambles?) i changed my status message to your question, but didn't reveal it was you who wrote it, i'm seriously so intrigued
Shamblina: So glad that's what I'm remembered for and not the years of friendship we've had.
[Adrian's] new status message - MYSTERY PERSON: why is incest among strangers hot... but personal incest traumatic? 2:31 PM
AG: oooh, now I'm famous. More people read my status message than my blog, probably because I post offensive and disgusting things like this chat. Shamblina: Yeah I figured this one was gonna make it to the blog, I've gotten used to it by now.
AG: That's what she said? ugh ok gotta go on a run, maybe i'll run in to [Douchelord] since I'll be on the same lot, but i doubt it as i never do
Shamblina: kick him in his bald head if you do
AG: i will
but when all is said and done, at least i haven't dick jobbed him tho, you can never wash that stain from your clutcheds
Shamblina: yes, but i can pretend it never happened. much like your 50 year old grindr blows
AG: Um, that was you, Cougartown... mine was Craigslist and he was 48 and he said he was 35 and the only blowing was me on the cheese dip at dinner so get your facts straight... err gay.Shamblina: You are such a moron.
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