Nerd Alert! Pushing Out More Treasures

It only hurts for laik 7 seconds, then it starts feelin' goodz!

     Like a twist ending to an M. Night Shyamalan porn, I've realized that I haven't put out a Nerd Alert post since August.  Also like that M. Night porn, I've attempted to make you forget about my muff-up by pretending like my lapse in judgement (Lady in the Water, The Happening, everything he made after Signs) never happened, by bringing you fresh nerdy content to wipe away those former missteps like boogers on a computer screen.
     So pop on in here drunk-uncle-you-have-to-share-a-bed-with-at-X-mas style, and please-to prepare to discover some things in the food groups of Books and TV that, like that baby you ate years ago and haven't seen since, you may not have known were waiting to come out and make your life more interesting...
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BOOK:   The Abstinence Teacher

It Ain't her... but I'm still enrolling.

     This uh-may-zing novel is written by Tom Perotta (Election, Little Children) and is like a bacon wrapped Noel Kahn sammo covered in James Wolk juice and dipped in Roseanne DVDs, Translation: It's the shit.  It's about this sex-ed teacher named Ruth, and a born again Christian named Tim whose lives intersect as Tim is the soccer coach to Ruth's daughter.  Fret not though, Lil' Baconators, It's not as Lifetime Movie Network as it seems.  

     The characters are flawed like everything on CBS (but unlike CBS, in a good way), and the prose is hotter than a hemorrhoid ass at a sit-on-a-cactus festival.  Surryously folks, I've never read more beautiful or inspiring words in my life, and that includes the nutrition facts on the Double Down from KFC.  Peep a few dem lines of brillz to see what I mean...

   

     ----- "Tim's face burned with shame.  Despite his fig leaf of underwear, he felt naked and damned, like Adam standing before God with a fruity taste in his mouth."

     ----- "Tim dropped out of school at the end of the summer, and never saw Scott again.  But he thought about him a lot in the years that followed, whenever someone made a fag joke or said that gay men deserved to get AIDS.  Sometimes, if the circumstances were right, Tim would challenge the speaker, ask if he--in Tim's experience, it was always a he-- had any friends who were gay.  Almost always, the guy would say no.

           "Wait till you do," Tim would tell him.  "That's when you'll realize what an asshole you used to be".

      ----- Which is why it was so galling to be "teaching" today's prepackaged lesson, whose misleading and dangerous title she'd [Ruth] scribbled on the blackboard at the beginning of class with a shaky, self loathing hand: "THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS SAFE SEX."  Well, of course there wasn't, not if you defined safety as the impossibility of anything bad ever happening to anyone.  There was no such thing as risk-free automobile travel, either, but we didn't teach our kids to stay out of cars.  We taught them defensive driving skills and told them a million times to wear their seat belt, because driving was an important part of life, and everyone needed to learn how to do it as safely as possible.

     Perotta knows how to make drull suburban life Scream 4 interesting, and he doesn't need a mask or Kristin Bell to do it.  Therefore, I highly suggest you get off your fat rolls and get to the Barnes & Noble before they go out of bidness forever like every other place that sells books, because like that blood orgy you had in South Africa, what you get from it will stay with you for the rest of your life. (too dark Shambles?)
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TV:   Happy Endings

If U see NTthing other than a big ass bowla popcorn; we not friends.

     Ok so it's simple, this show is the shit and you need to be watching it.  It's about 6 friends (wait hear me out), two of which were supposed to be married in the pilot but Alex (Elisha Cuthbert, blech) pulled a runaway bride, leaving her beyonce, Dave at the altar, as well as her sister Jane, Jane's black hubby Brad, the overweight gay Max (AKA Adrian Grenadine), and hilario/crazytown Penny (Kiki) wondering, who the hell gets the friends now that that just happened?
     It comes on ABC Wednesdays at 9:30 after Modern Family, and if you don't watch it at least once to give it a shot than you're banned from life like I'm banned from the Marie Calendar's salad bar for stealing all the ham.  Surryously folks, the show is fast paced, laugh out loud funny, the acting is amahhhzing (if you watched the show that reference would make sense to you), and it needs to stay on the air forever... cuz now that Jack and Karen from Will & Grace, and Mark and Amanda from Ugly Betty are no longer around, Kiki and I need a crazy single woman/funny gay guy combo on TV to relate to.  Below are a few quotes to wet your appetite, but to fully appreciate them you need to see the actors deliver them.  Still though, here they be...

----- “I’m 30, and I’m Catholic and I’mma die alone in a light-up Christmas sweater talking to a menagerie of parrots” - Penny

-----  "Ahh, two of my favorite people hanging out. It's like when Mike Myers and Kanye West tried to raise money for Hurricane Katrina." --Max, after finding out Dave and Angie were going out together

----- "Shuttin' down the fallopes, hashtag, Menopause" --Brad, recalling his mom's "not weird" tweet

----- "Good news. Whatever I have is not from the bird I kissed!" --Alex, discussing her illness

----- "Oh, hot tub, I want me inside you." --Brad

----- "Once you believe, good things start happening on their own. Like how Adrian Brody became handsome.... I am weirdly attracted to him." --Jane's startling confession

----- "He said I was a raven-haired beauty and then I said, 'That's so raven' and he laughed..or coughed." -- Penny

     So give it a shot, the worst that happens is that you don't like it.  But like double penny or a triple-triple-double Baconator with excra cheese, you won't know if you hate it unless you at least give it a try.  And try I'll make you.  Below is a typical hilario clip of the show, please-to notice the crazy of Penny/Kiki (blue dress with purse), the semi-fat gayness of Max/Me (flannel), and the lameness of Elisha Cuthbert (you if you don't watch this show).

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   P.S --- If you took the short bus to school, you'll notice I only included a Book and a TV choice this time instead of the usual 5 categories, that's all part of shortening the posts because I know you Lil' Baconators have an attention span the length of a baby-dick, so next time I'll have a Movie, Music, and Awesome selection for you, don't you fret.

     Until next time,
            Adrian G.