Is That A Thing? -- The Dixth Sense

I see dead weens!

     How they hangin', Hobags?  Adro Grenny here as always for another edition of "Is That A Thing?", and this time I can assure you, it IS in fact a thing (literally and figuratively)... because not only do I (allegedly, because I can't see past my fat rolls) have this thing, but I also have the special skills to dick-cipher said thing on someone else.  So cleanse that palette, pull out your squishy parts, and let's get to the bottom (or top depending on which you prefer) of this special, but-not-in-the-short-bus-way, skill that I (and others like me I'm sure) have marinating just under our Lane Bryant jeans and mind-parts...

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Is that a thing...?  ExtraDixsory Perception AKA Wee-S-P:

Guess Ron's not so Weasley after all, is he H-Dawg?

     I'm sure you're still confused as a Kardashian at a white athlete convention, so let me dixplain what the hell EDP is and how-to it is that one acquires it like said Kardashian acquires all thing's STD at a rap concert.  EDP is the sixth sense some possess which allows them to more-often-than-not accurately dixstimate what someone's ween looks like.  They do this by considering a series of physical and emotional cues given to them by the dick-owner at hand, that, said ween in question is attached to.

     EDP isn't really something one can explain, it just comes with dixperience.  And as the old adage goes: the more weens you see (whether in person or in pornz), the more blood-filled accurate your EDP becomes.  That's not to say there aren't a set of rules one wishing for the dixth sense can consider when trying to size up someone's dong, and like a senator's tweets, I'm boutta expose more than just my lower half by cluing you in on five EDP secrets.

Nice try, Gael Garcia Bernal, you're not fooling NT-body.

     First: EDP is based on the boner-scale, not the everyday, walking-around-Big-Lots-ween all us outtie-part havers commonly fashion (growers and showers skew the dickzults so it's best to go with the gusto and let our craft guide us towards hard fax).  But I dickgress... The human body for the most part (sans some outlying Preciousii) is pretty symmetrical to itself.  Meaning, if a dood is tall and skinny with hairy arms, more often than not his third arm will match his other two.  The same works for the reverse, if a dood is short and fat and sweaty, odds are you're gonna be lookin' at Danny Devito just that should you choose to nom his vein burrito.

    Second: Dickybacking off of tip (tee hee) number one, a dude's hands and feet can also help size him up.  If a guy's got big ass hands, more often than not he's got a big ween too and vice-versa.  Foreskin me this, why-to would someone have jumbo man-hands and only a baby-ween?  If they did, masturbation wouldn't work.  Think about it, you don't give a woman with a shallow vagina long fingers, so why give a man with big hands a baby dick?  A-dick-tionally, if dood's got big hands, he's probz gonna have big feet too so he doens't look like an elephant when he's nekkid... T-Rex's are the only dixception to this rule of anatomy, and we all know how they ended up so it's best we move on.

    BONUS FACT - Unless a guy is gay, a six pack up top might mean a 4 inch-pack down below (depending on how cold it is) as he's trying to woo your cooch with his muscles and hope that's enough.  The car he drives helps clue you in too, no one with a Hummer has just as much horse-power downtown... just sayin'.  Which is why I drive a monster truck... errr... I mean, a Smart Car.  Moving on...

Not trynna' start rumors, just sayin' consider the fax... That angerz comin' from somewhere, laydeez.

     Third: A guy's personality and how he carries himself will clue you in on what he's packing at the meat factory.  If a dude is an asshole, more often than not it's because he's upset about his ween-parts.  If a guy is just chill and doesn't really give a shit about anything, it's cuz he knows what's in his South America is enough to stop wars.  Lastly, if a guy is shy and or Jewish, chances are he's shy because he's A: a serial killer/rapist, or B: Trying to keep from sudden movements that might detach the tape he used to fasten his mega-ween to his ankle (Michael Fassbender alert!).

     Fourth:  Cultural factors AKA dickcism (dick-racism for those not in the know) come in to play as well.  Certain races are just dicknetically inclined to pack more south-punch than others, it's a breeding thing or something.  You can hate all you want, but in no universe known to GaGa is Kim-Luck from Singapore gonna out-dick Umbatu from Nigeria.  So while I'm sorry, male-Singaporeans that's there's to be no magnum D.I. for you, I have to admit that I'd take a dick-minor over lack of food any day... so there's always that. (too soon?)

     Fifth:  In order to help form your dickpothesis (sadly this rule doesn't apply to Gays), you can see what kinda chix the dude likes to holla at.  Dickcism as defined in tip #4 tells us that Asian dudes got lil' weens, thus Asian woman must have shallow vajeenz to fit said Asio-weenz... therefore with this fact, we can explain both the fascination nerdy, white guys have with asian chix, and why tall, lanky, redneck, white trash dudez have jungle fever and like to stick it to the sistahs from time to time.  

     Horribly racist Dickcism aside though, the five rules of EDP I provided above will hopefully help get you on your way to acquiring your dixth sense.  

     

They know not, but what they holding is attached to the guy in blue.

     To play Devil's advocate, EDP isn't 100% accurate, there are always dixceptions to the tool.  The gray zone comes with really short guys and really tall guys (sometimes shortayz got anaconda drawz and sometimes Green Giants should really be playing pee-wee ball)... but all that aside, my personal accuracy rate is about 80% (or 8 inches in dick-speak), so them odds ain't nothin' to laugh at... and they sure as hell will do the trick, "the trick" of course being your orifice parts when you're not looking/passed out.  

      But what does it all mean, and how-to can you take what you've learned out into the real world?  Well, the next time you're bored slash waiting at the mall for anyone to text you back and don't know what to do, just sit there and watch as a dood passes you by.  Try and figure out what his ween parts are like.  It's a silly and stupid game, but it beats the hell outta Parcheesi.  

     Most importantly though (to me at least), who gives two shits and a fuq how big someone's ween is or isn't?  I mean, whether it's a ween, boobs, cooch, or fat-free food, chances are that no matter what it's like, you're not going anywhere near me with it anyway.  Which brings me to my final thought Jerry Springer style: This Thing about man-things might be a Thing, but it's just in jest, and completely irrelevant as long as you like the person attached to said anatomy more than how tall, fat, or bald it is... though let's get real for a second, no one likes a person who's fatter than they are tall, so chodes please-to move on.

My money's on Ed Helms... or the (asian?) baby.

     All things considered, I have to axe... how do you size up?  In the picture above, take what I've taught you and dickstimate what these celebs' weens look like. (sorry, I don't have the real answers so don't axe, but I'm thinking Helms has the most mileage).  I will however in the sometime future do a NSFW "Whatchu Playin' Fool" game where you can take your skills and put them to the test with links to flesh-colored results so you can see if you were right or not.  For now though, this post will have to keep your jellies jammin' until your skills are ready to be tested like Lindsay Lohan at the free clinic.  Here's to hoping you score better than her. 

  --- Happy ween-stimations, Lil' Baconators... and may the foreskin, I mean force, be with you!