PLL Redux: Nomz, Moms, & Tittay Bombs

See, Em, touching wood isn't as bad as it seems. Close Ur mouf, Aria!

     Hey you lyin' ass Hobags, another week, another episode of PLL to trash-talk with love.  This week, in an effort to keep things fresh "why-don't-we-hit-it-from-the-back-this-time" style, I'm switching up the way I write the Redux much like Chaz Bono switches up his gender.  Fret not, lil' Baconators, my bitchery will still be there in all it's glory, but for those who don't live and breathe this shitshow like me, the Shambles will come less stream-of-thought, and more "this is what happened during the show" so that (like Kardashian hind quarters) it's more accessible to all.  
     SIDE NOTE: After this week's trial run, if your Daddy complex is in full effect and you prefer it the old way, I'll go back to it next time... but I won't know what's working unless you let me know in the comments.  NTWayz, enough housekeeping, let's get to the Reduxin' after the jump, cuz there was mad drama, and there's mad shit to be talked...
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My message to Kiki 'round dinner time.

Previously on Shiteous Little Liars: Hanna got mad cash in the carbs and her momma stealin' that shit, Flounder-Face Holden gots a secret can he keep it?, Mexi-Cop or whatever Garrett shouts really loud at a blind bitch on the phone and then looks all surprised when everyone within a 2-mile radius isn't deaf, KeanuCaleb is the worst actor ever, Aria and Mr. Fitz are as boring as ever, Em and Maya is be gay as ever, BitchFace Kate is moving back to Rosewood with Hanna's DILF Dad, and them Liars and KeanuCaleb is still workin' together, but without Hanna knowing.  Confused yet?  So am I.  But when has this show ever made sense?  Now on to the hour at hand...
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Hanna did U dye Ur hair & grow a ween?  Shut up, Aria.

     We open on clothes everywhere lookin' like these hoe's is sexin', when really they're just barking orders at KeanuCaleb to play the same footage over and over again we've seen a million... yeah I stopped listening til' KC started talking about Spencer smelling like cheeseburgers. Wow, he really is the Hanna stand-in.  
     Then Hanna starts mad calling like she's "A" Silverstone, these bitches are Carey Elwes, and it's that movie The Crush.  Shits gets sour when Spencer, AKA the worst secret keeper ever, lies to her about being with her famz, which of course means Em's lezbo ass has to break a vase or something and ruin everything (that vase isn't a lady-cooch, Em... stop trynna getcha hands all up in it). 
     Alas, Hanna isn't as stupid as she's been portrayed these last 36 odd episodes and she catches on... then something about a fake ID for Allison where she looks like Aria in 100 years or something.  Can't we go back to that part about cheeseburgers preez?
    MUCH NECESSARY SIDE NOTE:  Why the fuq is Aria wearing a green and black tye-dye whatever, slash earrings made out of grass from the marshlands (hideously pictured above)?  Observe and report people, bitch is committing a fashion police felony, but what else is new?

TITLE SEQUENCE - Keep that secret, Bitch.  Or I'll kill you.  Or whatever the song goes like.

I said EXTRA fries!  When will Taco Bell get it right?

       So now we're back... Spencer gets all lez and wants Aria to stay the night, even though the true lez (Em) is making a Maya clambake date.  Aria the mega-brow bandit lies to Spencer about her being with Lezra, and Spencer wigs out because she had to drive Toby's hideous face truck or something to his parents' house... I dunno, I stopped caring once SimbaJaws Toby's name came up.  Also, Aria talking about lying to her friends or something and I want to kill myself.
       Oh wait, now I really wanna kill myself cuz Aria and Mr Fitz are in the car talking about love or iceburgs or something, but all I can hear is "womp womp, vomit vomit, Fitz trying to not be gay slash this lame ass song they're playing".
      Now Hanna and her Mom are in the kitchen pretend eating, and there's a line about "talking about the elephant in the room".  I though that was harsh for Mrs. Hanna's Mom to call her daughter out like that, but Hanna took it to mean "let's talk about that fembot Kate coming to my school".

Bitch, party of one.  Hey Gurl! (Ugh, Hair Shambles)

     Oh yeah, Aria has a Dad... I forgot.  So now Aria and Flounder Face are talking about garlic bread with extra butter, and food and... wow, I just realized that a whole scene with Aria went by and I don't hate her (carbs help me love the world), even if I hate said world's eyebrows/everything.
    Now in the cafeteria (best episode ever so far with all the food stuff by the way), our main bitches is talking about Kate.  So of course right then she shows up looking like one of the blue ribbons from that movie Disturbing Behavior and pretends that her hair doesn't look like shit, while trying to also pretend that she and Spencer don't have a secret past slash got drunk and went down on each other... or something.  Cue threat text from "A".  It's about time that bitch got to work, it's been a hot ass minute since she/he/they gave these hoes something to fret about.

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Is it in yet?  What?  Oh yeah, sure.

     Hoes sans Hanna talkin' bout that damn fake ID again when... NOEL KAHN ALERT!!!! Scuze while I wipe my boner away and hate Aria for that Valentine's Day poncho/hat thing on her head that makes her look like a mushroom's leftover foreskin jizzed on her head and died... the rest of this scene is irrelevant because I can't get over that outfit.
     Speaking of irrelevant, the 40 year old, AKA Maya, and Em are in bed making out and talking about her Mom (yes Emily has parents, remember) coming to town and making nice with Emily and her Blezbian girlfriend and how it'll be different this time.  
     Fembot's in the cafeteria talking to these bitches, (Hanna of course is the only one eating) and Spencer's been shopping at the same hideous hat shop that Aria frequents because now she's got a toadstool on her head making me wish I could kill slash ask her to clean my chimney then inquire if she's gonna finish those fries she's not touching.
     

Plug it up, Aria. (what is she wearing Shambles?)

      Cut to a note on Em's locker asking if she's misses her, we're lead to belive due to the scary music that it's "A"... but oh no, it's not... it's Em's Mom and she's at school (of course that makes sense), and she's asking if Em wants to invite Maya to eat...dinner (see what I did there), and all is well and good.  Surryously, who's in charge of security at this school, Jeffrey Dahmer?
      Now in the locker room, I'm having a flashback to Carrie and hoping all these bitches start tossing tampons at Aria and yelling "plug it up"... but alas, none of that, just Spencer calling out Fembot for her bitchy ways cuz they went to camp together and she used to be a man or a brunette or something and doesn't want anyone to know.  Who knew being ugly four years ago could destroy you more than your dead friend threat-texting you from the grave?

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It's like the Royal Wedding... but gayer.

     NOEL KAHN ALERT PART 2!!!!  I heard that gay voice, and knew it was him talking to Maya about some kinda app, seeing as how they're at dinner, they better be talking about cheese stix.  Em makes a diss about his smile taking up half his face (like it's a bad thing), and we're magically transported into lameville as we're on the Aria/Flounder Face fake date and both their plans got miracuously cancelled at the same time.  I don't know what's worse, the plausability of this shit, or Aria's horrible discoball shirt.  Only saving grace to these two?  FF-Holden talking about ordering a large pizza and Aria saying in regards to his air hockey skills, "you're dead", (please come true non-Shambles).
     Back to the lez date, Maya's being weird (CUZ SHE'S 40!) and talking about this guy she dated at "True North", which I assume is something like Shady Pines from The Golden Girls, but less awesome.  And now Spencer's warming up a big ass bowl of popcorn. (Surryously, did I write this episode and forget or something?  Go on with the food, y'all).  NTWayz, Kate had a bugbite face or something (because it makes sense that Spencer would have those pix on her phone from 4 years ago, time to update that blackberry, Spence), and Hanna learns of the they-lying-to-her shit, so she gets mad and drops a soap opera line like soap in prison about Spencer holding the knife that's stabbing her in the back (and she didn't even grab the popcorn on the way out when she did it) so you know she's pissed.

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Maya's in Green, Em's on the left.

     Back to Em and Maya and Latino-or-whatever-Valerie-Bertinelli (AKA Emily's Mom) eating dinner.  If the above photo doesn't cue you in already, I do NOT anticipate this whole thing ending well with how crazy/bitchy Maya's acting... perhaps it's because she's 10 years older than Em's Mom.  I know I'm crazy/bitchy, cuz Em has a full plate and they're axin' for the check (wasteful skank Shambles).
     Meanwhile, on Downton Abbey, er... I mean the Ezra Fitz talks to an old man about a associate dean position (AKA Janitor) at the satellite school in New Orleans (cuz that makes sense).  Here's to hoping he leaves and goes forever, and here's to hoping Mr. Aria's Dad keeps up with his ominous scotch drinking ways and pushes him out like the lame gay-turd that he is.
     

Nice vagina.  Nice braid.  (Take off that fuqing hat Shambles)

    Meanwhile part two, Hanna and KeanuCaleb get all tell-the-truth about her being poor last year, and him being born a woman.  Well that last part's not true, but Hanna's confession that her Mom stole that loot is, as is her telling him about "A", guess this means KC is about to get killed as fuq, or maybe that's just my wishful thinking again.
     Now Aria and Holden are playing air hockey and drinking soda, oh yeah that's right I forgot, they're teenagers.  Again Aria threatens to massacre him, and doesn't.  Also again, KeanuCaleb is on screen and I want to kill him... can the scary music playing mean someone is about to do it for me?  Nope, just means Mexi-Cop Garrett is gonna pull up all lights-on and show that he (a COP) has a gun... congratulations, you've proven you have a weiner even if you don't have balls, all while looking like someone took a shit on your face... your Emmy is at the corner of "Never" and "Gonna Get One".  Can these fux stop threatening to kill each other and just do it already? 

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Remove Aria and I like where this is going (haircut much, Holden?)

     Spencer makes up with Hanna with some not-so-subtle "I can't lose you too" lezbologue.  Then Holden and Aria (AKA the boring twins) are STILL on their date, but looks like Flounder Face is in a fight club or something as he's all bruised up (must be cuz he likes black chix, someone's Baby Daddy got mad).  Then Hanna pulls a PLL and reveals something she should have a long ass time ago (that she's seen Allison with dark hair) because "she was mad".  
     And we flash back to a shitty Tresemme commercial where the words "fierce" and "coffee" are used in the same sentence without irony, much like how Hanna and brown wig wearing Allison are seated next to each other and don't seem to think it's stupid and implausible that this completely vivid memory never came up before... which or course leads to the fact that Allison thought she was/was obsessed with the book Lolita.  Awesome, maybe I was on to something with this whole The Crush thing and Allison is bangin' some older dude (or thinks she is) and got her knocked the fuq out.

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Lez do this.  No, you fuq doodz.  Got any snax?

     Now at house number 3 that Maya's owned in two short seasons yet has no parents to show for it, Em looks mega butch-femme in her leather jacket, and Maya looks fuqing retarded in her egyptian voodoo upsidedown triangle necklace.  What's worse?  Her mysticism room with beads and shit hanging from the ceiling... guess it's a lezbo thing cuz if someone did that for me, I'd be like, "Where the fuq are the snacks and what is all this bullshit?"  What can I say, I'm a romantic... but I digress.  Maya and Em say their I love you's, and then get down (literally)... I'm sure we're only one or two episodes away from "A" calling U-Haul for them.
     So Spencer uses her golden ticket to pick up Lolita's dry cleaning from 4 years ago that, like her phone camp pix of Kate, is still there (yeah right), and NOEL KAHN is back again to wreak havok on a "damn she look fine in red" clad Hannah slash thank her for sexting boob pix of FemmeBot Kate or whatever, and all Hanna can do is look around for a while like she smells bacon until someone calls CUT, which of course comes 20 years later.  Do you skanks really have no idea who might have done this?  Here's a hint, it starts with "A" and it's one letter long... also, it's sexy as hell ass was talking to Maya about some "phone program" or whatever last night at the lez dinner when Emily showed up.

TAG: "A" is going through Spencer's Mom's or whatever's office that miracuously has a gun in it (that makes sense).  And you know, I'm surryously hoping that shit gets put to use A-STAT cuz bitches need to die!

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Big F'n Deal, I shit myself.  At least I'm not Aria.

VERDICT:    Sucks we didn't get any Mona, but it's amazeballz we've gone this long without Butt Chinned New Jason, and that we only got two seconds of Ezra, and no seconds of Melissa, Gay Lucas, or Toby.  As far as the actual episode, I could give a shit, I. Marlene King and friends are clearly just biding their time until the big "A" reveal in the finale.  I think there's only 6 more episodes to go, so here's to hoping bitch comes through on her promise to reveal all that slash we see Posh Therapist again, cuz that ho has all the truth to sort out these Hobags' lies so they can (hopefully) just be 16 again... which of course (naturally) means sleeping with older men and getting blamed for murder.

      Sext Ya' Again Next Week,
             "A" Grenadine.