Top Model Redux: Back-words In Rhyme

Damn, Tyrasauraus Rex, U giving me NOTHING with dem arms.

    Top of the Model to you, Bitches.  After my month-atus from the Shamblette's, we've lost even more skinny bitches to the panel of elimination death, headed by Queen Hobag herself and also Tyra Banks (ZING! Shambles).  My lame Andre Leon Talley diss outta the way, let's pretend like we aren't trying to turn back time like prehistoric skankwads by pretending that we aren't down like 5 twig-bitches since last time I posted on this "show", move on from my gap in reduxin', and get back to the shit talkin' and skinny bitch judging after the jump... 

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SPOILER WARNING - I'm gonna post who got the boot at the bottom, so duh... don't read that last part if you don't wanna know who went home.  Ok let's get to this shit.

 

----- INTRO SHIT -----

 

Gurr you ain't been watchin?  I'mma cachoo up.

     RecRap of last few weeks, Kristin Cavalarri shows up for no good reason, Isis gets booted.  Anthony Zuiker shows up to audition the girls for CSI for no good reason, Camille gets booted.  Latoya Jackson and her 40786 million nose jobs shows up for no good reason, and like emotion in her face, nothing happens (AKA no one gets booted so L-Jack doesn't look like a bitch).  Some crazy skinny bitch named Coco Rochie (thought that was a band not a model) shows up for a pretty good reason, Bre gets booted.  CUT TO, last week, Kathy Griffin shows up for no good reason, and because of Latoya Jackson's meth-faced non decision, and cuz KG has no prollem lookin' like a bitch, there's a double elimino and Bianca (meh) and Kayla (dear God no FML times a million Shambles) get the boot.  Now that we're all caught up.  The saga can continue...

     .. And continue it does.  Lisa won last week, and she's still hideous and I can't stand her... which means she'll probably win the whole shebang.  Crazy eyes is still weird and has yet to blink.  CUT TO "youtube sensation" Lil' Madison, AKA: some little Asian bitch who's like 2 years old and can barely speak Engrish.  She said something about something and then Edward Scissorface Mr. Jay shows up to talk about going viral, which I assume he doesn't mean "full of STD's", or maybe he does cuz Angelea has been lookin' mad Hep-C ish as of late.  Cue challenge to write a rap or something to create a viral video.  Also cue the most massive EYE ROLL from me ever. (SIDE NOTE #1 - I interviewed to to work for a producer on this show and have never been so glad NOT to get a job ever in my life).  NTWayz, please-to let's move on.

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I know, Kid.  I know.

CHALLENGE INDUCED EYE ROLL MOMENTS: Alexandria bitches about life or whatever, Shannon has yet to be arrested for inducing suicide from how boring she is, thus causing me to want to kill myself.  Allison is struggling to write a rap, but considering how wide open her eyes are I don't see how she can't focus... now she's all Gaga Faced over her dead Dad story (bless, hobag, bless).  SIDE NOTE #2 - who the hell is this fat guy in a jacket judging bitches songs? 

     Final vomit inducing moment, Lisa wins and she gets to see her fiancee (this sux cuz 1 - this ugly bith keeps winning and shows no sign of going away and 2- this bitch has a beyonce (who isn't hideo but ain't no centerfold either but still) and I can't even get a date).  Final vomit inducing moment part 2? This "Pot Ledum"/Top Model spelled backwards bullshizz.  [Please see SIDE NOTE #1 for my reaction to this].

     So the bishes record their shit, they're all equally terrible and lame thus making me wish these skinny hobags would just shut the hell up about "Pot Ledom" and pose for photos cuz pretty becomes ugly when it opens its mouth (hence why models don't eat, okurr!)

----- PHOTO VIDEO SHOOT TIME, BITCHES!!! -----

If your workday includes the above... please-to kill yourself.

      Not really a photo shoot this time, just a music video directed by "the Game" shoot, and shoot I wish I could (myself in the face) because apparently these trax were sponsored by "auto tune" and dipped in Velveeta cheese wrapped up in corny-as-hell pitas.    Oh and "the Game", more like "the lame"... just because you have a stupid name and lick your lips a lot doesn't mean you A) LL Cool J, or B) a director... but I digress, cuz seeing Angelea's coochie faucet overflow when "the Game" showed up ALMOST deleted all the stupid bullshit that has come up to this point in the episode.  

     So this video shoot thing is getting more and more painful with every second, especially now that Tyra Skanks is here with Mini Me-tard or whatever his name is Keenan Cahill (again, he's on TV and I'm writing about him so preez excuse me while I go eat a whole cake made out of my own irrelevancy and covered in "never gonna be on TV except for those two times I was" sprinkles.  So let's skip ahead mmmkay?  Cuz what I wanna know is...

----- WHAT DEM PIX VIDS LOOK LIKE??????? -----

It really is.  Shame on you, Tyra.

Angelea - You're trying too hard Angelea, but so is this shitshow.

Laura - I love you, Gurr... but not even you can save this disaster of a video challenge.

Manface (Lisa) - Clearly the winner.  It's stoopid as hell, but so is this show.

Simbajaws Manface 2 (Toby from PLL Dominique) - Nice RuPaul's Drag Race audition tape.

Allison - My razorblades called, they want my wrist back. Go back to The Walking Dead set.

Shannon - Bitch you make boring look like Lady Gaga's meat dress, AKA, please-to go away.

Alexandria - Words cannot express how much I hate this episode.  Video was kinda slow.

----- PANEL TIME, SLUTS! -----

If I was Mrs. J I wouldn't be caught dead at this shitshow either.

     The panel of death blahblahberates about the modeltestants, I won't recrap their thoughts as you'll see what happened in the results below, plus nothing they ever say is worth repeating... So with that in mind...

 

..... Let's get like gay umpires at a dodgeball game and start calling people out.

SAFE - (best video = Allison ) at least it's not Lisa... (speaking of which) Lisa, Dominique, Laura (that's what's up), Shannon (Boring, party of one?). 

... will Alexandria and Angelea please step forward? [SIDE NOTE: Angelea best be safe!]

... I see two hawngry ass bitches before me, but only one can keep pretending to eat for another week.  So which slutrag stays, and which goes...?

 

Nobody called, they want their hat back.

SAFE -Angelea (yeah, Gurl get it!!!).

MADE TO EAT BUTTER AND GET OFF THE STAGE? ------  Alexandria (pictured above)

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Reusing this pic in memory of our fave fallen-Lezbo Kayla.

     Have to say, I want the hour plus I spent recapping this shitshow back, it truly was a waste of life and keyboard punches... but what did you think about the results? (crickets)... yeah whatev I know this isn't Pretty Little Liars or anything but I still enjoy it and I still enjoy talking shit about people who are more attractive than I'll ever be (even if they're forced to use randomly hideo phrases like "Pot Modem").  8 weeks/7 hobags down, 6 more to go until we have another irrelevant winner.  See you next week, YouTube Sensations.

     ----- Adrian "fierce" Grenadine