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| We are superior... even that Jewy guy on the right. Fear my swoop. |
Oh man, oh man, oh man... lotsa bitching to do this week (why won't these hobags just go away forever?). For this weeks shramblefest, two out of the three things that need to be silenced forever for their transgressions against my existence are moron-in-control-of-automobile related... but I won't spoil all the fun before the jump. So click onward-ho to see all the uncensored boobage carnage, and join me in my fight against this descending order of douches and douchettes who think they're superior than the rest of us normal-looking people and can do what they want without thinking about us minions of lard...
3 - Bike riders with a death wish
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| Oh NOW you look back. Beep, beep, Bitch |
I'll cut to the chase, these choads think their right to the road and idiot attempts to take it back are as worthy of a fight as Rosa Parks saying "nah bitch, you sit in the back" to the grand wizard of parish 3. It infuriates me, much like the rule of idiot pedestrians, that you bike tools think I won't mow you down because you're a semi-pedestrian. If you're not paying attention to where your one rolled-up-pant-leg-like-a-gang-member ass is going, what makes you think I'm paying attention to the road we're sharing... don't you know there are jams to rage to and pedestrios to scare with my horn?
It's noble that you're trying to do something for the environment or whatever, but the fumes of your smug douchiness are causing more problems for the atmo than my car... trust. Lissy up folks, I love bike riding like the next granola breathed weardo, but don't pretend that your 10 speed is the same as my car and take up the whole lane so I can't pass you... because like Dr. Perky and Dr. Pepper, we are soooo NOT equals.
Heed this warning, bitches... if you're gonna ride your bike, then don't be a dick. And if you're gonna take to the streets like you're every other car, then I'm gonna treat you like I treat all the other idiots who can't drive; with force. So don't come crying to me or officer Barbrady when you end up with blue paint on your ass... cuz my car is old as shit and I can't control the doors when they randomly fly open as I pass you with horn honking and Alanis Morrissette blaring out of the one working speaker. Consider yourself warned.
It's noble that you're trying to do something for the environment or whatever, but the fumes of your smug douchiness are causing more problems for the atmo than my car... trust. Lissy up folks, I love bike riding like the next granola breathed weardo, but don't pretend that your 10 speed is the same as my car and take up the whole lane so I can't pass you... because like Dr. Perky and Dr. Pepper, we are soooo NOT equals.
Heed this warning, bitches... if you're gonna ride your bike, then don't be a dick. And if you're gonna take to the streets like you're every other car, then I'm gonna treat you like I treat all the other idiots who can't drive; with force. So don't come crying to me or officer Barbrady when you end up with blue paint on your ass... cuz my car is old as shit and I can't control the doors when they randomly fly open as I pass you with horn honking and Alanis Morrissette blaring out of the one working speaker. Consider yourself warned.
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2 - Selfish parkists/street sweeping days
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| I'm gonna fit between you bitches if it kills |
You might not understand what I'm whining about now, so let me explain. Bad parkists are people who park like they're the only car on the side of the already crowded road. They pull in and park, leaving just enough space for them to easily get in and out of their parking predicament, but NOT close/far enough from the other cars to allow anyone else to park within a car length's area of them; thus ruining everyone else's life for the sake of their stupid-whore convenience.
Now, both history and anyone with working eyeballs can tell you that I'm a terrible parrallel parkist; I'm either too far into the road or halfway up on the curb... that's why this blessed skill of mine gets even more infuriating on street sweeping days as I always see a spot that seems big enough for my car, but realize after spending 20 minz trying to park there (while also hitting the cars both in front and behind me and trying not to get caught doing so) that it isn't... by a foot or so (shambles).
Sometimes I think: "If I just had a smart car I could fit here..." but really if people were smart parkers who didn't think only of their fat asses, then maybe the rest of us wouldn't have to park in Namibia just because you didn't think to pull up a foot or two. It's really inconsiderate and just lazy on your part, and that's coming from me... the King of Lazy.
So buck up, asswads and start thinking of the other cars on the road that aren't your stupid gas guzzling wiener enhancing metal deathtraps of douchery... because if you keep it up, you might find that the little blue engine that could accidentally got some leftover dead bike-rider gristle juice on your bumper, and there's no contesting that kinda evidence in court... mwa hahah!
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| I lost 100 lbs and got shot 9 times... where my trophy? |
I had a run in with an actor who may or may not be pictured somewhere in this lengthy post, and they really got me thinking. So, prepare for a longer than usual bitchfest, Shamblettes because these types really chap my well toned ass... and don't you dare try and make a thespian joke about these jerkbones, that's way too easy. Instead, allow me to explain further why actors who take themselves far too seriously are easily number one on this week's list.
First of all, stop talking about "process" and judging other actors or I will stab you in the face. I asked you if you were gonna finish those fries, not "how was Jamie Lee's performance in True Lies". Secondly, everyone that's passionate about what they do for a living, be it clean toilets or give handys in a dark alley for crack money, is serious about what they do or they wouldn't be doing it. We passionate workaholics should be offended by "serious" actors who place their profession's importance over everyone else's like they're some kinda Tender Greens moving in next door to a Souplantation. As for the rest of you stuck in jobs that are only a paycheck, or have jobs that aren't your dream... well a shambly-hello to you too, Boo... but this slice of bitch isn't about you people, so go back to being miz please... And don't forget to file that thing over there or whatever. But I digress.
So wonderful that you're an actor... awesome. Now pass the bean dip and let's talk about boning in the closet. Actors, if you don't have anything interesting to say to my flabby face other than how you're God's gift to the theater/screen and how proud you are of yourself for once again escaping the surgeon's knife this pilot season... then I want nothing to do with you no matter how hot you are or what amount of coke you have stashed under your bed (unless it's diet or cherry, then we have something in common and I'm friending you on Facebook).
Now don't get me or my stank-ass tone wrong, I'm not bitter about these types, I'm mad at them for placing what they do above others who serve the same (if not more) of a purpose in society. Sure you can say "tracheotomy" 35 times until you get it right, but can you perform one when your hobag sex-date is choking to death on a burrito because they were so excited to be at Chipotle that they forgot to chew? Didn't think so... but let me get your date's number, we have a lot in common already. I digress again.
So wonderful that you're an actor... awesome. Now pass the bean dip and let's talk about boning in the closet. Actors, if you don't have anything interesting to say to my flabby face other than how you're God's gift to the theater/screen and how proud you are of yourself for once again escaping the surgeon's knife this pilot season... then I want nothing to do with you no matter how hot you are or what amount of coke you have stashed under your bed (unless it's diet or cherry, then we have something in common and I'm friending you on Facebook).
Now don't get me or my stank-ass tone wrong, I'm not bitter about these types, I'm mad at them for placing what they do above others who serve the same (if not more) of a purpose in society. Sure you can say "tracheotomy" 35 times until you get it right, but can you perform one when your hobag sex-date is choking to death on a burrito because they were so excited to be at Chipotle that they forgot to chew? Didn't think so... but let me get your date's number, we have a lot in common already. I digress again.
The "method actors" are the worst. They blame their douchebaggery on "their character" and not their own hubris supplied citizenship in Assholevania. EXAMPLE: "I'm a serious method actor, I lost so much weight for the role and became that character, but you're in my fucking eyeline, bastard so you must die!"... well bully bully to you "nondescript actor", cuz I gain weight and eat/grow rolls but you don't see me suing Monique after winning the Oscar for playing what I'm becoming do you?
Don't get me wrong, I think it takes remarkable (something) to take yourself to the brink of death for a role, and I'm not saying anything negative about the actors that do... But I do think that just because you do something, it doesn't necessarily mean that something is gonna help you do something completely different any better. I mean, you don't see me asking for a Pulitzer for this blog because I can eat 78 million slices of pizza a minute do you? No, you don't, I let the work speak for itself (in my middle roll)... I don't do one thing (run this blog) in order to obligate others to grant me another (bottomless cheeseburgers). I do it because I enjoy it, and I hope others enjoy it too. For some "method actors" this give and take is true as well, but for others they're just dicks, and I'm doing my Lorena Bobbit impression as best I can, but I'm only one Shamblette and there's a lot of douchey vein burritos out there to rid the world of.
Just because you can sing in auto-tune about hoes and whatever else consumes your life, doesn't mean you can also act and write books. Just because you're fine ass can stat-rape an underage girl years ago on camera while your friend roots you on, doesn't mean you need your own show/deserve to be on Parks and Rec because you're. not. funny. Why don't you take a cue from your equally-hot-in-a-less-so-way brother, he doesn't have to bone young girls on film like you... he's just getting paid to do it during his day job.
Yes, I'm being ridiculously over-dramatic here, and yes there are musicians who can act and fart and everything else amazingly that may or may not be pictured in this post/10 words back... but just because one cheerleader can do a back flip doesn't mean Lauren Zizes is gonna be joining the Cheerios anytime soon. And just because you gave an amazeballz and brillz performance, doesn't mean you're more important than doctors, or teachers, or mothers, or the dude at Subway that gave me extra ham because I told him I'd give him a shout out on my blog... (Hi, Carlos!)
Acting is a situational thing in many cases, so don't just sit there and judge someone else for how you woulda done something better, because if that were true then you woulda gotten the part, turdface... if hindsight in your favor actually made something better, I'd be CEO of Burger King and they'd serve bacon flavored soda with every kids meal... Just sayin' yallz.
Don't get me wrong, I think it takes remarkable (something) to take yourself to the brink of death for a role, and I'm not saying anything negative about the actors that do... But I do think that just because you do something, it doesn't necessarily mean that something is gonna help you do something completely different any better. I mean, you don't see me asking for a Pulitzer for this blog because I can eat 78 million slices of pizza a minute do you? No, you don't, I let the work speak for itself (in my middle roll)... I don't do one thing (run this blog) in order to obligate others to grant me another (bottomless cheeseburgers). I do it because I enjoy it, and I hope others enjoy it too. For some "method actors" this give and take is true as well, but for others they're just dicks, and I'm doing my Lorena Bobbit impression as best I can, but I'm only one Shamblette and there's a lot of douchey vein burritos out there to rid the world of.
Just because you can sing in auto-tune about hoes and whatever else consumes your life, doesn't mean you can also act and write books. Just because you're fine ass can stat-rape an underage girl years ago on camera while your friend roots you on, doesn't mean you need your own show/deserve to be on Parks and Rec because you're. not. funny. Why don't you take a cue from your equally-hot-in-a-less-so-way brother, he doesn't have to bone young girls on film like you... he's just getting paid to do it during his day job.
Yes, I'm being ridiculously over-dramatic here, and yes there are musicians who can act and fart and everything else amazingly that may or may not be pictured in this post/10 words back... but just because one cheerleader can do a back flip doesn't mean Lauren Zizes is gonna be joining the Cheerios anytime soon. And just because you gave an amazeballz and brillz performance, doesn't mean you're more important than doctors, or teachers, or mothers, or the dude at Subway that gave me extra ham because I told him I'd give him a shout out on my blog... (Hi, Carlos!)
Acting is a situational thing in many cases, so don't just sit there and judge someone else for how you woulda done something better, because if that were true then you woulda gotten the part, turdface... if hindsight in your favor actually made something better, I'd be CEO of Burger King and they'd serve bacon flavored soda with every kids meal... Just sayin' yallz.
Haha...Tender Greens next to Souplantation. that's a good one
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