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| Me and Skittles tastin' all kindsa rainbows |
Luvshamdles: Getting bigger, one wedding at a time.
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| Token black guy says: "A Nerds theme is more appropriate" |
Men and women, sometimes we just don't understand. Luvshambles are harder to work off than middle rolls, but when I'm not pulling an Anne Frank and hiding from the upstairs noises coming from Night Showerer, Skittles and I are on the same non-food-based-love-diet as Kate Moss... but even her crackhead ass eventually settled down (a few times). So there's hope for me too right...RIGHT? Read on for the scoop...
Skittles: why is "please-to" the funniest phrase in the whole world?
Skittles: why is "please-to" the funniest phrase in the whole world?
i chuckle so hard every time.AG: hahaha I know right... ooh hot messenger is here, hey boo
| 11 minutes |
Skittles: i weighed in at the dr today
officially morbidly obese
back to college weight, ughh
altho not study abroad weight, that was just redonk, Gaborey Fatabay 2011.
AG: welcome to the club, Precious. i had a phily cheesesteak for lunch today, my life has been shambles ever since
We just need to starve ourselves to the brink of death for this 4th of jew-lie party if we're gonna get jaundy [get tan, as in jaundiced] without douchey toolbags judging us
Skittles: dude no kidding
operation starvation starts now, but takes two short breaks for lunch and dinner and of course the wrap party.
AG: Oh man a wrap party sounds delicious... oh wait you meant something else. Story of my life.
| 6 minutes |
Skittles: ok lets have a serio chat
are you suuuuuuper set on doing Vegas the weekend of the 9th?
AG: no we don't have to, (Kiki was saying she couldn't do that weekend either) but not too long afterward, why?
Skittles: i dont think i can do that weekend bc i supposedly have a boat date.
AG: boat date? That sound rapey
Skittles: unfortunately it isn't as rapey as it sounds.
AG: Shambles. well i mean i can go to Vegas whenever, but i was pumped to go for the reason being that it was my birthday and i'd get showered with gifts and love so i didn't have to stress eat anymore (me everyday). As long as we do something awesome where i get wasted and potentially molested it's all gravy to me (mmm gravy)
Skittles: Is Kiki on gchat now?AG: she is, but she's watching pretty little liars so her responses are delayed by the powers of awesome.
| 7 minutes |
Skittles: so another question for you. I've been wondering how easy it'd be if I were a guy so I was thinking... Do you ever wonder what it'd be like if guys gave birth instead of women?
AG: Sometimes, but I'd be a terrible mother. If you put Voldemort in my nethers it'd be real dramatics when the dr says it's growing a foot and has three teeth
Skittles: sounds like by "sometimes" you meant a lot. Next question... if you were a chick, but with your same dude brain would you withold sex from your boyfriend to teach him a lesson?
AG: I'd have to have a boyfriend first but probably not... although it would be fun to say "until you learn to respect my internal lady parks-and-rec you won't be raping their bennies". * reaping
Skittles: forget I asked.
AG: "no love for my uter, no playing in my cooter" (I could do this all day)
Skittles: haha
AG: In my experience guys are either mornons or douches, I fall under the moron category.
Skittles: Yeah that makes sense.
AG: saying that proves that you fall under the bitch category for women.
Skittles: hahahaha... no I'm probably the other one. What is the other one for women.
AG: there is no other one. ZINgER!!!
| 14 minutes |
Skittles: ok, so Vegas should be the weekend of july 22AG: that's my sis' bday
Skittles: oh good, we can celebrate that instead of yours
AG: story of my life... (shambles)
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Consulting Kiki's Doctor: Cuz one click on a link is faster than two fists up the cooch.
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| It's true, I would... :( |
Kiki: i'm about to email [Bossman] telling him i'm sick
and then call in tomorrow too
AG: because you're legit sick or because you're over fighting off his attempts to rape you?
AG: rape me.
| 29 minutes |
Kiki: nevermind
i decided it was a brilliant plan
but i should have enacted it earlier in the day
AG: yeah you really should have
Kiki: cause its already almost 4 so i think ill use it next week
and just use it at like 12
AG: good thinking
Kiki: still shambles though cuz i'm still here.
But whatever. [Bossman] is going to the Hamptons for a couple of weeks starting next thursday anyway, so maybe ill try to use it monday/tuesady
AG: the hampstons, what a gaywad
Kiki: yeah exactly
douchelordKiki: Did you see that thing I sent you? [a blog entry about Kiki's friend who hooked up with Quentin Tarantino but he only sucked on her toes while he jerked off (shambles)] AG: Yes, it was awesome... but of course it made me bitter because I don't have a weird celeb sex story (yet). I feel like with my luck though I'll be stuck with Andy Dick in a corner and he'll stick his ween in my ear and give me a staf infection.Kiki: Ew, no. You're better than Andy Dick. Maybe Carrot Top.AG: Double shambles; that's gross and now I want carrot cake. But oh, what's that? Why yes i think i will have 3-456,000 pistachio and white chocolate macadamia nut cookies. Thank you Adrian's thoughts.
Kiki: omg i have about 2 dozen cookies and a dozen lemon bars in my freezer and a bag of chocolate covered pretzels
which btw, were not as good as i remembered
AG: it's the chocolate part that does nothing for meKiki: Racist.
AG: ooh man when you said freezer i remembered that i bought ice cream for the office, soy creamies and these like oreo bite things
Kiki: NOM go get some of that ish now
i have some ice cream in my freezer too for my cheat day
this saturday is gonna be amazing.
AG: yeah, because you have the gift
Kiki: yes the gift of fattiness. 2 seconds
AG: concerned party of one about this red spot on my arm, it's def not imaginary but it doesn't itch anymore either
there's like a main one and then an orbiting smaller moon to the left of it
Kiki: hmm.
AG: side note: malted milkball cookie = not worthy the hype
Kiki: oh i hate malted mlikball shit
just web MD the cure.
AG: meh, i'll spray it with lamosil when i get home and see if my arm falls off
besides, it's un-webmd-able because it could be a million things and i know i'll convince myself it's aids or something based on the pictures, so i might just have to ride it out until i either see moving things in my bed or the lamo works its magic
Kiki: true, i lost my SHIT cause i was so disgusted one time after consulting the web MD
AG: if anything it's just opened my eyes to the idea that the mats at the gym that I take naps on during the yoga class are covered in nasty-feet-juice and sweat jizz from the millions that used it before, and being barefoot for yoga on that ish is probs not the best choice, but they make you take your shoes off or threaten you with death.
i should probs just get my own mat
Kiki: oh yeah
defintiely get your own mat, they're pretty cheap at like target
def worth it
or be the freak that brings your own lysol and sprays everything down before you touch it
AG: that's my sister
Kiki: i want to go drinking tomorrow night
make the time pass by faster that i wont be able to eat
AG: life is hard
Kiki: screw work, i'm about to start PLL
if our internet connection can handle the buffering of course
which is questionable
AG: it might be able to handle the bufferring, but can it handle the drama?
Kiki: only time will tell.AG: Random shocking news, I ordered Thai for the writers today and asked them to write the names of the people on the boxes, they (no joke) instead of Lisa, Anna, and Jeremy wrote the following: "Risa", "Teale", and "Luke". My mind is blown. Kiki: hahaha they went batshit crazy.AG: more like batshit Asian.
[Kiki fades away as she starts watching Pretty Little Liars instead of working] Kiki: hey, Spencer wear a belt around a tight sweater for no reason.
| 5 minutes |
God, i just want ONE hot guy that can act on this show
and not stand there and make me question if he's retarded or not
AG: i know, but i love retarded gays so bring them on, PLL
Kiki: Freudian slip?
AG: oh no that was on purpose, all of them on that show are retarded gays in training... and the only slip is my ween outta my pants. Don't judge... Lady Gaga said I was born this way.
Kiki: haha.ok so compared to Toby, this new Jason is not that bad
AG: compared to Toby, playing a Nintendo game cube with Jigsaw is "not that bad".
AG: so vegas is moving, Skittles wants to gchat and synch up a date but nowshe's like, i'm going on a boat date or something lame.
| 14 minutes |
Kiki: why'd she pick that weekend if she has all these other planz
AG: because she's a vegan and vegans can't keep their minds right
Kiki: oh you TELL HIM HANNA
sorry, got distracted by PLL. you could go somewhere else and then do Vegas the following weekend... it 'll be like double rainbow birthday
AG: true
Kiki: omg watching Toby try to be romantic is like watching someone try to poke their own eyes out
he so doesn't want to be touching anything with a vag
AG: Of the four PLL i'd marry Spencer, sex Emily, rape Hanna, and kill Aria, so he's got it made with Spence
Kiki: stupid bitch
oh hay look at my shout out in the PLL recap
AG: bless 10 minutes
KIKI: can we start live blog our meals on your blog?
KIKI: can we start live blog our meals on your blog?
all 8 of them a day?
AG: you only eat 8 meals a day? Skinny bitch.
Kiki: Don't be mad at me.AG: My new mantra for the blog is that I want it to be the Mecca for all sassy beings in the world to unite, like a souplantation card member, only exclusive bitches allowed in... 8 meals a day just won't cut it. haha.
Kiki: shambles, i'm hungry
AG: shocker, you're hungryso am I. :(
| 5 minutes |
Kiki: OMG
Jennifer Aniston shot "inside the actors' studio"
that's a joke
AG: i didn't realize the actor's stupido needed a nosejob and can't hold down a man
Kiki: nailed it
AG: i meant to type "studio", but "stupido" works too, my hands are so used to typing the word "stupid" i've developed muscle memoryKiki: I can totally relate, you don't know how many times I've tried to "bacon" a cake. AG: mmm bacon cake. -------------------------------------------------------------------
So there you have it, our shambled truth. Not only are we medically in need of help, but we also can't talk about anything other than shows we're too old to watch, and food we're too hungry to not eat. This truly is the land of the free... Willy. (Bless)
So there you have it, our shambled truth. Not only are we medically in need of help, but we also can't talk about anything other than shows we're too old to watch, and food we're too hungry to not eat. This truly is the land of the free... Willy. (Bless)
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