Is That A thing? -- Handpes & Footsting

Hey, Ref Baldylox. Why's your hand smells like Speedo Guy's ass?  "Same reason your foot does", Blondie

     A well trained Shamblette knows that I am a psycho about diseases, more importantly sexually transmitted ones.  Whether it's catching them or spreading them, I'm a freak about ghonoherpasyphillaids and more... but since no one wants to bone me ever at the moment I'm safe right?  Wrong.  This week's "Is that a thing?" is about what I'm dubbing "handpes"...  I won't give away all the pimply details upfront, so read on past the jump to learn how it's coming to a body near you, and to learn how some people feel about you literally being a pain in their ass...

Handpes, AKA "Hand inflicted herpes"

Stop hitting yourself... with herpes

     Also known by me as "selfpes" and to doctors as Herpes Whitlow, this lovely is self-inflicted spread of genny herps by the hands, not only to a partner, but also to oneself. (shudder)  Of course I considered that this shit qualifies for it's own "Gross Yuck Cool" post, but A) it's not cool and B) I find it more fitting in this forum as, like Marie Calendars filing for Bankruptcy, it seems too horrifying to be true... sadly, it isn't.  So please-to let Dr. Grendine set this story gay straight with some internet research facts.

     Generally, Handpes results when virus is spread to a finger that has a cut or abrasion.  Once there, it can cause an outbreak with symptoms similar to those of mouth, face, or genny herps. Oh, and this shit can also recur so don't think it ain't coming back from the dead.  For this shiz to spread like pre-teen legs at a Bieber concert, the virus has to get to the finger. In people who have genny-herps, this is most likely to occur from touching your own lesions during a first episode (so don't stick your hands in your cooch when you're having a Valtrex day, slutbags). Even better, not all cases of Handpes result from genny-herp, an active coldsore or face herp infection can deposit virus into your saliva, and nail biting can create an opening in the skin that allows this nast shit a portal of entry.

     In the past, handpes afflicted significant numbers of dentists, surgeons, and other healthcare professionals whose hands were frequently in contact with patients’ herp-filled saliva. Today however, most of it is caused in hobags, almost always the result of hand contact with lesions during a first episode of genital herpes, prior to the development of a full immune response.

     Finally, in "no shit" news, it’s a good idea to avoid touching herpes lesions. If, however your name is Tiger woods or you're currently in Congress and you MUST stick your fingers up/in/on an ass, puss, or cooch that looks like someone on the chess club's pizza face (mmm pizza), it’s best to wash your hands right away as soap and water will kill the virus and avert the risk of Handpes.  So yes, handpes is a thing, and you can spread it to yourself... but it's strangely not as gross as the next thing on our list...

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Footsting, AKA "fisting someone's ass with your foot" 

No the hell we can't, Rosie.  And put that fist down too, skanky bitch

      For those of us not in the know, fisting is when someone sticks their fist up someone's ass or cooch.  I won't provide a link to someone experiencing this because it's pretty self explanatory and also nast as hell.  But "footsting" (as I've dubbed it) is right up there with blue cheese crumbles and soy bacon to me; perhaps nice in theory, but a smelly wretched disaster in practice.

     Come on, folks, foot fetishes are one thing (gross), but what the hell would possess someone to either shove their bare foot up someone's pooper, or worse, let someone's athlete's foot covered, toe jam encrusted clodhopper up their back door?  Let's not even get into how the physics of this work, because frankly I like my thoughts of Crisco to be followed by fried noms... not ass chunks.  Let's also let slide (no pun) the thought that the people involved in this treasure of an activity were once small children who couldn't wait to sit on Santa's lap and ask for a pony with the same device they're now using to wreak shambles.  What I won't let go though, is the mystery of how after achieving this "ass to elbows" goal once, how-to does one ever sit/shit/fart/walk again?  How do you explain to the doctor that the x-ray results aren't wrong, that there really are toenails and a size ten up your java-hole?  

     I'm sorry if I'm being vulgar, and if you partake in these activities God bless.  I just don't get it, and I'm proud not to because if I did I'd have a lot more shambles in my life than diminishing noms and a middle roll.  At least with those issues I can still sit down comfortably and walk barefoot without leaving shitty footprints.  Just sayin'.