Queen of the Shamblettes:
 |
Amy Winehouse (bless) |
God bless this
meth. Home girl is only 27 and already on my 2011 deathwatch list (next to Charlie Sheen and Betty White). Wino has mad pipes, it's too bad they're mostly the meth kind, because this
beauty from Tragicistan really is wasting away her talents by remaining Queen of the Shamblette's. Girlfriend I say it's time you put down your
crown of needles, stay in rehab longer than 2.5 seconds, and get back to your
old self (pretty); because (for real) you don't wanna end up like that
other British Queen, even
if he managed to one-up you by maintaining dignity while his life drained away before our eyes.
King of the Shamblers:
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Gary Busey |
I'm sure you sluts thought I was gonna say Charlie Sheen, but he's soooo three months ago. It's all about Busey, baby. He's been consistently cuh-ray-zee all throughout his life (not just when contracts are up for negotiation). I'll forgive the
plastic surgery, horse teeth, and 24 hr non-blink policy GB has... but what I will NOT forgive is his crazy stroke face and
nonsensical rambling. Therefore the whole package, plus the fact that someone slept with him and made the equally toothy Shamble-Squire
Shasta McNasty, makes him King of the Shamblers in my Royal Food Court.
Princess Shamblina:
 |
LiLo |
Busey might've been a
plot twist worthy of blogging about, but there's no surpise here that Fraulein Lindsay is Princess Shamblina. In addition to her degree from the Winona Ryder school of
shoplifting, LiLo dated a
closeted gay man, then moved on to an
out gay man, then went to rehab more times than I go to Wendy's in a day (trust, it's a lot) and now she's doing time and making horrible movies that aren't even good enough to be
direct to DVD. I'm sorry, homegirl but once Wino kicks it, your next stint in rehab will be as Queen... and there's no way you can
Freaky Friday or
Parent Trap your way outta this one.
Prince Shambler:
 |
Andy Dick (gays get off [on] him) |
The results are in, and although Dickhead has some stiff (tee hee) competition from others in the the Royal Food Court for his title... most are either too dead
(Corey Haim, Brad Renfro, Gary Coleman), too "Busey adjacent"
(Nick Nolte, Nicolas Cake, Mel Gibson, David Hasslehoff, Randy Quaid), or too sober these days
(Robert Downey Jr) to steal his title. This makes "
his royal heinous" that much more deserving of his title, because he fought hard (tee hee) for it and ain't playin' no
games. So kudos to you "A" (could it be him?) for pulling out all the stops and molesting anything in sight with your ween while being really creepy and
wasted all the time. I'm sure you're jealous that the aptly penis-named senator "A" Weiner is now receiving (tee hee) all the pun-related jokes, but your time will come again once you're King.
---------------------------------
PLACE:
 |
Target |
What gives Tar-zyehh? I used to
look up to you. I mean you've got gangta commercials that I want to be in before I die, and you're classier than Wal-Mart, but still I can't stand to be inside you anymore (tee hee). Apparently you're the Wendy's of these kinda stores because your square-meat, applewood bacon, and sea-salt-fries-quality merchandise is attracting more than just
crazy nommers like me with higher standards, but also
weird families and people who actually rock the Mary Kate and Ashley Olson collection
without a sense of irony.
You keep on growing, but the more you do the less classy/more of a hot mess you become. You're trying too hard to
be something you're not by selling groceries and the like in-store, and it's really starting to show in your long forgotten roots
what a hot mess you've become. I go to target for the icees, big pretzels, and stuff that smells like plastic... not for
mulletous bargain hunters and
sign holders; that's reserved for your less classy counterparts where it's okay that there's random merchandise tossed about on the floor and
trash everywhere. Get it together, Big-T you're really starting to look like the terror that is
Nick Nolte's mugshot and I can't be associated with that.
-----------------------------------
THING:
This is already a long ass post, so I'll make it quick. Don't get me wrong, I used to have no problem with Jennifer Love Chewitt's disproportionately large ass
(bless), but then she goes and tells the world something it didn't want to know and gives me a reason to pile on the hate sauce... she vejazzles. Frankly put, gluing gemstones and jewels on your lady jewels is a hot mess. If me and Brad Pitt wanted to know what it feels like to put our weens in that, we'd buy some studded condoms, rub them against our
manginas, and call it a day... but instead we're left with J-Love's vajazzolution. Truth be told, at the end of the day there really isn't anything more to say on the matter because some hot messes just smolder for themselves...
right Brad?
Wait did I tell you how about how Andy Dick went nutso on the Entourage set the other day and sat in Doug Ellin's lap? And then we saw him later that night at the Flaming Lips concert and he was crazzzay wasted.
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