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| Look at her like I do, or these hands are going lower! |
Next week (spoiler alert) I'll be introducing a new feature called "Gchats you wish you wrote"... but until then, here's a little taste in the form of a Shambletorial concerning my wasted friend Kiki who has been experiencing drama in the workplace. Suffice it to say it involves a hottie, a rapist, and a gallon of shambles. Read on for all the juicy deets...
So here's the setup. Kiki works in an office where her boss is borderline rapey. He gives her sex eyes, calls her names like "stupid bitch", and always tries to find ways to get up on her shit (real class act guy). Cut to, new hottie gets hired in the office and Kiki is trying to find a way to get up on his shit (and rightly so...trust, dude is yum).
And now for the shambles, I'll let the following gcaht do the 'splainin'...
KIKI: oh my god, [Adrian]
are you still there
CRASH AND BURN + SEXUAL ASSAULT
CAN YOU COME BACK PLEASE
i was standing in the doorway of someone's office asking them a question, and [Hottie] was in there
[Bossman] walked past and left but then i didnt' know he came back
i stepped back and he stepped forward
we did an entire body to body like full body bump like TOO MUCH
like i dont dance that close to people wasted in the club
i was like OH MY GOD
and then [Bossman] just walked in and introduced himself to [hottie]
and i was just standing there like blushing, sexually assaulted in the workplace in front of my work crush
and [Bossman] was just like smiling his creepy smile, UGH
We all feel your pain, Kiki. But at least we're not you right now.. Doesn't that make us feel better? If not, then this post-rape chat session will do the trick...
ADRIAN GRENADINE:ok let's discuss your rape yesterday.was there penny? As in tration?
KIKI:if we hadn't both been wearing pants there would have been penny
SHAMBLES
its just that there were so many layers to the humiliation
cause he's definitely like physically assaulted me before. but its never been in front of such an AUDIENCE
like straight up AUDIENCE
in particular my crush
ADRIAN GRENADINE:was be bonin'?
Cuz its never good when someone sticks a boner in your ass when it's unwarranted and people (hotties) are watching
KIKI: i don't think so, i mean i was so traumatized i couldn't even think of anything smart to say, and [Bossman] just had this really triumphant and smug look on his face
layer #9238 was the look on his face
and then he introduced himself to [Hottie]
and then walked out
and i was just standing there, floundering
Anyways i'm going to try to move on with my life but
i must say
it really did shake me up
ADRIAN GRENADINE: at least you didn't scream like a crazy person or fall
KIKI: i basically yelled i said OH MY GOD
and it was like a quiet yell full of distress
and then in the silence that followed, with everyone staring at us and my face showing my HORROR, and [Bossman's] smug smile
ADRIAN GRENADINE: ugh
KIKI:that's when he walked over and introduced himself
he basically peed all over me in front of [Hottie]
it was a metaphorical golden shower rape
ADRIAN GRENADINE: yumbo
KIKI:brb
My heart goes out to Kiki and her Ugly Betty moment of humiliation, she deserves so much better than her current office shambles. Let's all hope she gets the hottie AND a new job, that way she can truly move on with her life and enjoy her diet cheat-days like the rest of Amuuurica.
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