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| It's called the Men's Room for a reason, Poo-lette! |
Cross those legs and hide that toilet paper on your shoe, Adrian Grenadine is here as always to add another name to the (like Kim Kardashian's cooch) ever widening scroll of paper known as "The Bitch List". Tis' the holiday season, so like Santa I've made this list, checked it twice, and still can't scratch this edition's offender off the naughty side. But why, you axe? Well you'll just have to read on to find out. But here's a clue, the ones being christened on my Bitch List this time are taking things they shouldn't in a place they're not allowed, and frankly, what they're doing is pretty shitty. And it's my duty (tee hee) to put them back in their place...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Secret Shitters:
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| That means you, William Shat-ner! (get it?) |
Before I get started explaining who these fux are and why they're worthy of my list of bitch, lemme fill you in like colonic water and warn you that I'll be making lots of (literally) shitty puns, so please-to prepare for some bathroom poo-mer.
Okuur, now that we've gotten that out of our system like last night's Baconator(s), please-to let me explain just what a Secret Shitter is and why they're on the Bitch List. A Secret Shitter is a slang term for a public restroom that's well hidden so you can blow it up terrorist style in private (too soon?). Secret Shitters however, are people who sneak to a different floor to use the bathroom numbuh 2 style, then flee and/or run like the squirts to wence they came once destroying the air so as not to get caught by their coworkers for their doo-ceptive deed. BACK-SIDE NOTE: They usually strike in office buildings, but that's not a universal rule. However just poo-cause you're not in an office doesn't mean they won't Chris Brown a terlet near you when you least poo-spect it.
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| What? I use a lotta bootie-wipe okuur? |
It's as easy as one, two, pee... by parking your lard on my floor's twa-lette's, you're making me either hold it until you're done (warm seat gross Shambles), or you're making me take part in your evil game by going to another floor to try and find a free stall to hanle muh bid-ness. Truth, it's not your fault there's only one stall on each floor, but it is your fault if you're being a shart and thinking only of yourself and last night's 45th Wendy's run when going into "my" bathroom with that guilt-smirk look on your face like you're the Grinch, I'm that dog, and the people on my floor are the citizens of Whoville.
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| It doesn't have to come to this. Now gimme yuh bacons! |
Secret Shitters, please-to just doo ya' nasties on your floor, in your bafroom... and don't interrupt the flow goin' on with the people on mine. Sure it's nice to have a secret bathroom no one knows about in which you can let-it-fly Dixie Chicks style without embarrassment, but sometimes there's no public library or NBC store around where you know nobody will be so you can lay it down in soli-toot. It's like the Shitterfly effect, your using my toilet out of shame leads to utter chaos, and before any of us know it might result in some kind of Saw or Walking Dead scenario... where you're the zombie and I'm shooting you in the face while stealing all your bacon.
So I reach out to you, Secret Shitters, like you so often reach for and deplete the stock of bootie-wipe in the bathroom you don't belong. Be brave by clenching it tight, sticking that doo-key in the lock, and opening them stalls on your floor proudly... cuz the only thing worse than getting caught recreating the ratings for everything on the CW in a bathroom where you doo belong, is getting caught doing it in one you don't. I know you think you're poo legit to quit but you're not... so until you are ready, and can learn to fix your shiteous ways by sitting where you don't belong, you'll be sitting atop my Bitch List... butt unlike your usual extracurricular shativities, everyone's gonna know a-poot it.
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