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| Stop tryin', bitch (literally). Yoo ain't never gonna be oneuh us. |
Word up, Hobags. Who missed me? (Crickets) that's what I thought. But whether you like it or not, I'm back after a few week's of feeding and ready to get muh AngryBitter & Jelly sammich on. This time I'm talking 'bout shits that I am not a part of and (sadly) probably never will be. So pull those fat rolls up, tuck those quadruple chins back, and keep on reading after the jump to see just what's making me angry, bitter, and jelly this time around...
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Ok, let me start off by saying I have a soft spot for kids (that may or may not be located below my belly button), but those little shits can be terrible. Which is why as a parent, one should knock the shit some sense into them when they're acting like dingleberry encrusted douchebags. So you'd think the PTC wouldn't make me so angry when they whine like little bitches children about a nip slip or butt crack on TV slash try to boycott a show or get something off the air before they've seen it because it's got the word "bitch" or "playboy" in its working title. But that's not the case, I can't stand these douchetrolls and their holier than thou attitude. So here are the main 3ish of 387 poon-trillion reasons why.
First, bitching about something you haven't seen or know nothing about based on a title or subject line alone is like saying all African people need to be taken away from society because they were born in the country Niger, and you're to busy being stupid-racist "offended" to realize that in addition to your sense of maturity, there's a "g" missing in that word to be what you're saying it is (hope that made sense and wasn't reaching for a metaphor Shambles). If you don't think you're gonna like something, don't watch it or turn the channel. But much like bacon flavored ice cream, you won't know if you're gonna like it until you try it. Also, by saying a show should be taken off the air and cancelled because you take offense to it is not only worthy of a "who the fuq are you", but also a "eat my boogers" because your stupid high horse is attempting to put 100's of people out of work who (like me) are working their tits off to get ahead in this industry, all so your stupid kids won't watch something clearly not marketed at them anyway.
Second, you say your protests and psycho press releases and shit are to protect your children from the content within, well that's not God Alan Ball and Shonda Rhimes' jobs, it's yours. If you don't want your kids looking at stuff, don't let them watch it. But 9 times out of 10 your protestation is gonna make them want to see it all the more because you're weird psychoness has told their mushy little mind-parts that something scandalous or whatevs is in it, and thus your busted ass attempt to blame everyone but yourself end up helping your little Bontaviaqueefalicorice to find a way to peep him/her/its eyes on the content in question. If a kid wants to look at something, it'll find a way to do it. But if you make a big turdstink about something they may not have known about before your bitching, it's only gonna open their eyes to the thing you're trying to hide from them (ditto did that make sense Shambles)
Lastly, I'm not saying parents shouldn't be concerned for their kids' well being, but they also shouldn't be all up in their kids' assholes about every little thing. Also, how in the world is it okay to show people cutting off body parts and shooting fux in the face, but it's not okay for half a tittay to slip out during the superbowl? Further also, maybe if you spent less time bitching about and bringing more publicity to things you don't want your kid watching, and more time actually being with your kids, you wouldn't have to blame November sweeps when your kid shoots up and/or runs the fuq over some pedestrians who didn't cross the street fast enough (those are the worst). And now, in worst segway ever news, I'm sufficiently pissed so please-to let's move on before I kill something cute.
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Don't get me wrong, old ass couples are sweet or whatever, but I don't need no sweetness to fuq with my fat induced type 2 diabetes. Sure it's nice to see two people still in love or whatever after 342 years, sure it's simply wonderful to hear the story of how they met over half a century ago. Who doens't love seeing the great grandchilrenz snuggling up around the fire to hear about how 'The War' or whatever almost split Grandma Opal and Grandpa Poindexter up. I don't, that's who.
The bitter train is coming to town and it's bringin' all 45 inches of my middle roll with it. I mean come on, not only have these old ass raisin ranch bound fux found lifelong love, but they're old and gross and people still think they're cuter than me. How-to is that fair? Am I bitter and jelly? Of-fuqing-course I am. But that's what this whole post is about so I won't be ashamed of these Selson Blue, Denture Wearing, Depends Undergarment soiling love-birds. But I will say that all the above aside, I hope to be one of them in 600 years. Here's to bitterly hoping.
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This one should be obvious. I'm fat and gross, they're skinny at hot. But not only that, these bitchnuggetz can run and tan at the same time without worrying about their floppy man tittays swaying and causing a black eye. I can't even stand up... from the couch without being weighed down by lard and man-boobs so heavy they'd sink the Titanic again if given the chance. I realize I could be out running to lose weight but the simple act of taking a step makes me break out in a bacon grease sweat. Instead I'd rather blog about how jealous I am of these fuqwads.
So while I'm out picking up scraps of food from the side of the road to tide me over until I get home, these hot ass hobags are jogging by in their Lulu Lemon fashions while they not only get a nice bronze layer, but also lose weight and flaunt how flat chested and hot they are. I mean cerealously, how is your 8 pack shinier than a piece of glass in the desert pointed at the sun? It ain't fair, it blows a bag of dix, and it's making me super jelly. Mmmm jelly.
FINAL NOTE - If you're a high school cross country team running shirtless, you get double jelly cuz not only are you like 15 and more attractive than I'll ever be slash running shirtless, you're also too young for me to molest/eat you without being arrested. So my jelly is jammin for you jailbait twinkx too. And now I'm gonna go eat some feelings, this post has me feelin' mad crazy mega emotions (frump Shambles).
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ANGRY: PARENT'S TELEVISION COUNCIL
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| Fuq yo' kidz! I'm showing mah nippeez! |
First, bitching about something you haven't seen or know nothing about based on a title or subject line alone is like saying all African people need to be taken away from society because they were born in the country Niger, and you're to busy being stupid-racist "offended" to realize that in addition to your sense of maturity, there's a "g" missing in that word to be what you're saying it is (hope that made sense and wasn't reaching for a metaphor Shambles). If you don't think you're gonna like something, don't watch it or turn the channel. But much like bacon flavored ice cream, you won't know if you're gonna like it until you try it. Also, by saying a show should be taken off the air and cancelled because you take offense to it is not only worthy of a "who the fuq are you", but also a "eat my boogers" because your stupid high horse is attempting to put 100's of people out of work who (like me) are working their tits off to get ahead in this industry, all so your stupid kids won't watch something clearly not marketed at them anyway.
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| Hey, Dad I hate you. Not now, Son. They said boob on TV last night. |
Lastly, I'm not saying parents shouldn't be concerned for their kids' well being, but they also shouldn't be all up in their kids' assholes about every little thing. Also, how in the world is it okay to show people cutting off body parts and shooting fux in the face, but it's not okay for half a tittay to slip out during the superbowl? Further also, maybe if you spent less time bitching about and bringing more publicity to things you don't want your kid watching, and more time actually being with your kids, you wouldn't have to blame November sweeps when your kid shoots up and/or runs the fuq over some pedestrians who didn't cross the street fast enough (those are the worst). And now, in worst segway ever news, I'm sufficiently pissed so please-to let's move on before I kill something cute.
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BITTER: OLD MARRIED COUPLES
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| This bitch been on mah dick for 69 years. Tee Hee. |
The bitter train is coming to town and it's bringin' all 45 inches of my middle roll with it. I mean come on, not only have these old ass raisin ranch bound fux found lifelong love, but they're old and gross and people still think they're cuter than me. How-to is that fair? Am I bitter and jelly? Of-fuqing-course I am. But that's what this whole post is about so I won't be ashamed of these Selson Blue, Denture Wearing, Depends Undergarment soiling love-birds. But I will say that all the above aside, I hope to be one of them in 600 years. Here's to bitterly hoping.
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JELLY: SHIRTLESS JOGGERS
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| If I had 6 bullets, I'd shoot all of U & eat the last to reward myself. |
So while I'm out picking up scraps of food from the side of the road to tide me over until I get home, these hot ass hobags are jogging by in their Lulu Lemon fashions while they not only get a nice bronze layer, but also lose weight and flaunt how flat chested and hot they are. I mean cerealously, how is your 8 pack shinier than a piece of glass in the desert pointed at the sun? It ain't fair, it blows a bag of dix, and it's making me super jelly. Mmmm jelly.
FINAL NOTE - If you're a high school cross country team running shirtless, you get double jelly cuz not only are you like 15 and more attractive than I'll ever be slash running shirtless, you're also too young for me to molest/eat you without being arrested. So my jelly is jammin for you jailbait twinkx too. And now I'm gonna go eat some feelings, this post has me feelin' mad crazy mega emotions (frump Shambles).
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