Top Model Redux: Eunita Cheeseburger

Crazy bitch alert!  Yoo gonna finish that?

     Hey sluts and skinny bitches, master Grenadine is here with a new set of recaps just for you and your fat relatives.  That's right, Lil' Baconators, Top Model is back and that means more crazy bitches, more people who need a bite to eat (Eunita Cheeseburger, get it?), and more drama than a gay bar with a NO LADY GAGA policy (Gay Hatesplosion Shambles).  So stick those fingers down your throat, pull out your best smize for the camz, and let's get to the Reduxin before someone decides to keep their food down...

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SPOILER WARNING - I'm gonna post who got the boot at the bottom, so duh... don't read that last part if you don't wanna know who went home.  Also, since to me this show is about the pics, expect a lot of them.  Who doesn't like lookin' at skinny bitches after all?  Ok let's get to this shit.

I think we gonna needa bigger boat... to shovel out this crazy shit.

     Good God, what the fuq is going on here?  Tyra's pretending to act and doing her little impressions of the cumtestants or whatever.  Bitch, no one (cept me) saw Halloween Resurrecton, and it was mostly because you're lame ass was in it, Gurl.  Stop trynna act and just get to the skinny bitches fighting.  
     Oh Lawd I forgot how much I loved this shit show.  Even the prizes are lame as hell.  Serioulsy, Tyra?  Who the hell would WANT to be a guest correspondant on EXTRA?  Guess this means we'll have to see Mario Lopez' stoopid mug on this train wreck too. (side eye leads to eye roll of death Shambles)

     But enough gabbin' from me, let's bust our asses out on that runway of death and just give the skinny (bitch) of each modeltestant before Tyra starts making up bullshit words and sayings like this alleged "Pot Ledom", which to those who can't read from their eyes rolling around in their head, is "Top Model" spelled backwards (this bitch is outta her mind and not in a good way Shambles).  Now on to the hobags....

Angelea - Cycle 14 - Crazy ghetto bitch.  Love her.

Laura - Cycle 13 - Love you, bitch.  Still gorgeous, still love the shit outta your short ass.

Bianca - Cycle 9 - you look like a man, not sure who you are since I didn't start watching this shit 'til cycle 12.  

Lisa - Cycle 5 - You look like a man too.  And bitch apparently sings or something, lame.  Ooh she peed in a diaper or something too though so go her or whatever.

Bre - Cycle 5 - Pretty black girl.  I think I'mma like your ass, home Gurl.

Brittany - Cycle 4 - She looka like a man, sounds like one too.  What's with these early cycle bitches lookin like dudes?

Dominique - Cycle 10 - Fugly.  End of sentence.

Sheena - Cycle 11 - Token Asian chick, she'll make top 5 by diversity standards alone.  Oh wait she's also pretty too.  Oh wait no she's not.

Isis - Cycle 11 - This bitch is a man, literally.  Go tranny go.

Kayla - Cycle 15 - LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE you, I wanted you to win before, and I want your lez ass to win now.  You and Laura all the way baby.

Allison - Cycle 12 - Crazy eyes McGee.  She won't win, but she'll go far I think on her non-blink-face alone cuz it truly is stunning.

Camille - Cycle 2 - Angelea is right, major bitch alert.  At least she's pretty enough to be one unlike that Bianca ho.

Shannon - Cycle 1 - Yeah no one knows who you are, and you're like 30 now right?  Isn't that like 7800 in model years?  Stop being so prudish ya' old bitch.

Alexandria - Cycle 16 - Stank bitch isn't pretty enough or as good a model enough to workin' this shit.  But they'll keep her around a while probs just to drum up some dramz.

----- PHOTO SHOOT TIME, BITCHES!!! -----

Stop lookin' like Brandy, U nappy headed bitch.  Look who's talkin', male Amber Rose.

      Taking pics in the backyard, talk about a budget cut.  You sluts are gettin' cheap on us aren't you.  Oh well whatevs... oh and the hair weaves is coming out, so is the bitchy.  Nice to see this show doesn't stray too far away from the train wreck that it is slash we all (ten of us) tune in for.  

      Now that that's outta the way I can speak dem troofs.  I do NOT watch this show for the drama.  I, (like dudes makin' excuses for lookin' at tittay magz) tune in for the photos.  Speaking of which...

----- WHAT DEM PIX LOOK LIKE??????? -----

Murry X-mas, Bitches... I'm bout'tuh judge you!

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Angelea - Work it, bitch.  You are showing that sass like whoa!  Go, Ho, go.

Laura - Oh damn, Granny Wanda Sue makin' dresses almost as good as that pic.  SAFE!

Bianca - Kinda looks like Brandy.  Wonder if, like Brandy, she's killed anyone? (too soon?)

Lisa - Close Ur legs, bitch it smells like fish.  And that hat/outfit combo U wearing B hideo.

Bre - I liked it, so of course the judges hated it.  Fuqin figures.

Brittany - Spent two seconds on it, so probs safe... just like the picture, just safe.

Dominique - U mighta just had a baby girl, but U looka like an adult man.  Pic is nice tho.

Sheena - This Japarean bitch thinks she's Alicia Keys, but less white.

Isis - Nice body positioning... for a dude.  Tee hee.

Kayla - LOVE IT, Lezbo.  Fuq Ur opinion, Nicki Minaj.

Allison - Holy Gaga eyes and lips, you look good girl.  You safe.

Camille - Diva your cooch is boutta fall outta that outfit.

Shannon - You look good, but you're old and boring.  Go away.

Alexandria - Great, you're already crying.  Ugh.  Oh, but the pic is weird.  Are you farting?

----- PANEL TIME, SLUTS! -----

Ticky MuhVadge... it's a mic, not a dik. TRUST!

     LIVE JUDGING at LA LIVE!!!  Yeah, who gives a shit?  That shithole complex isn't all that great, especially when urrybody there is there because they wanna be on TV, are stupid tourists, or are paid to be there (bitter cranky Adrian much?).  Tyra promotes herself and pretends like she's relevant outside the world of this show.  Wait now Nicki Minaj is here, that makes sense?  Oh wait not really, whatev' this bitch is givin' made Angelea attitude with Lady Gaga hair.  Ooh, Nigel has hair, and he's kinda balding.  Shoulda stayed bald, Nigel.

     Deliberation amongst the useless-os, I mean judges in private chambers... guess they don't want the idiot public to know who got the boot, makes sense considering that shit-tage (like 'montage') of uggoz and gays they interviewed to see who their faves were.  

     

..... Alright, let's get like me at church camp and start calling people out.

SAFE - (best photo = Isis... really?) ew.... Alison, Camille, Lisa, Angelea, Laura, Bre, Bianca, Shannon, Dominique, Sheena, Kayla (whew, got scared there).

... will Brittany and Alexandria please step forward? 

I see two beautiful bitches before me, but only one can stay another two days for the next episode to film... er I mean week.  But which slutrag stays, and which goes...?

Is this because I circumsized Isis?  No, it's that hair don't!

SAFE - Alexandria.

MADE TO EAT SOMETHING AND GET OFF THE STAGE? ------ Brittany.  Contrary to what I said about her safe pic, she's gone.  But NBD... no one is sad, I don't know who this bitch is either.

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I was so close to elimination I cuh taste it. Wait, dats mah cooch finger.

     Have to say the premiere wasn't all that exciting... and after all these years or whatever of people bitching that there was no all star season, now that we have one I'm not sure I wanted it in the first place.  Although it is kinda awesomesauceum to see Laura, Kayla, and Angelea's fine sassy asses again.  One week/hobag down, 12 more to go until we have another irrelevant winner.  See you next week, Slutnuggets.

     ----- Adrian