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| All Marnie spirits & Jason weens please-to enter here. |
Oh shit Y'allz, next week's Halloween finale is gonna be like bacon wrapped bacon, marinated in bacon grease and infused with bacon bits smothered in bacon. Translation: Devily delicious, and when it's all said and done, peeps gawn die. But that's next week, let's talk about this week. And even though Nan wasn't with us last night, we fortunately dispatched of some useless, but we also got some cast unity going as urrybody came together to end this standoff (or so they thought). So jump on in here like a spirit entering our mouths BJ cum swallowing style and see what all the muff is about this week on the next to last episode of our beloved True Blood...
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| Don gecha cornrowz inna wad, Laf lil' red riding Jayce ain't scured. |
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--PAM/JESSICA/BEEL/ERIC, SNOOKIE/HOLLY/TARA/LAF, LADY MUMBZ/BORESUS--
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| One of these things do not belong. (It has brown hair) |
FEROCIA & JESS & BILL & ERIC: Vampire bitches unite! Ferocia Pam and our favorite fire bushed virgin vamp, Jessica were bringin' the fabulosity that are blazing one-liners and "oh shit gurl work that ferocia" pony tails of death. I swear, one PMS joke or Willow Smith "I whip muh hairz around" of dem lox would surely break through Marnie's piss wall of witchy deception. I found some peace of mind in witnessing these two bitches come together and see their lame ass makers put their snooze worthy lives on the line, it was touching to see theez hoes cry for Argentina their makers and not wanna say goodbye to them. I vote to commission the Pam/Jessica spinoff: "Jess & Pam: Vamp Bishes Who Will Fuq Ur Manz"... Hope you're reading closely, Mr. Alan Ball and friends (they're not), but if you are, I want my 10% of the back end on that series when it goes viral like celeb dick pics or cancer cells. But speaking of things of depression that slowly kill you the longer you're with them...
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| Just touch it, Bill. Right now before anyone sees. |
..Bill and Eric weren't as lame as usual, even if they were pining over that Sookie fairy cooch. Cerealously, Doodz... get a new character motivation mmkay? It's really getting old. On the flip flop dick sock though, I was really lovin' me some Bill and Eric tag teaming vrs. Witchy bitches. These two make a great pair, and even though I wanted them to go through with that whole murder suicide pact they promised Marnie, I didn't want to completely murder suicide myself while seeing them work together. Judging from the promos for next week's finale, looks like they'll be chained together shirtless over an open flame (insert flaming gaywad joke here)... so maybe they'll both do what they need to by sayin "fuq that Sookie bitch" and just realize how much they love each other and need to bone ASAP.
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| Y'all ack laik U ain't seen Marnie Tittays before. It's really NDB. |
SOOKIE & HOLLY & TARA & BIRDHEADFAYETTE: Sookie did a lot of that "I'm a useless bitch halp me preez" that she's been doing as of lately. I did, however like that she sent her piss waves of fairy death through the jizz circle or whatever that was, but really Sook... get your shit together. Sure it looks cool when you're screaming and tugging at your hair like an idiot while Marnie's ring of fire closes in on you, but seriously... don't just stand there and scream, put your arms out and throw your clothes on the fire so you get burnt alive before anyone has time to save you... er I mean try to fight back or whatever.
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| Yeah, Gurl. I AM the shitz! U just got them. |
Holly was lookin' mad awesome with her new hairdid. Who knew staying locked up in Marnie's potion shop for a couple days could make your hair look that much better? Now that I've seen the magic in action I'm gettin' my ass down to Bon Temps toot suite and telling anyone in a long skirt with confidence issues and a speech impediment that I love vamps so they'll lock me in their candle shop or whatever and throw daggers at me. Or maybe I'll just move to Rosewood and surround myself with Tresemme' products like those Pretty Little Liars bitches. Either way, someone's gonna die and my hairz is gonna look faboosh... but I digress.
Holly got mad screen time this week, which only concerns me for next week's finale as I feel her tenure may soon be over. I'd like to think she'll move away with her secret kids we never see if she does have to go because I'd like for her to join the Arlene and Sookie club (AKA waitresses that weren't killed), I'd also like to see her and fairy Andy get hitched and be happy, but I'll hold off on that until I see what happens next week.
Holly got mad screen time this week, which only concerns me for next week's finale as I feel her tenure may soon be over. I'd like to think she'll move away with her secret kids we never see if she does have to go because I'd like for her to join the Arlene and Sookie club (AKA waitresses that weren't killed), I'd also like to see her and fairy Andy get hitched and be happy, but I'll hold off on that until I see what happens next week.
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| Stop overselling it, Toni. Preez-to remove hand from mah crotch. |
Tara had about three lines this week. She's back on Sookie's side it seems, so all that "fuck bothuh y'all" she gave to Sookie and Eric about 6 episodes back must be old news cuz she didn't seem too upset when said Eric came to blast away Marnie. So perhaps Leztara is gonna make it to Season 5 after all. But I'm still thinking that maybe after Lafmarnette goes apeshit on urrybody next week, that she (like Jesus who's obviously gonna bite the big one) might be gettin' sent off to moister pastures to the land of dead lezbos.
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| Miss Lafayette said "No scrubs"... Back off, Bruho! |
Lafayette is gonna get to act his ass off next week as Marniette. But this week he got to drop his sass like beats in duh club or turds in duh tub. I'm guessing when Laf was possessed by Maryanne (RIP bitch) in season two, his "worship him, bitches" line led the TB writers to give him even more of that by making him the big bad for an episode. Can't wait to see his bird feathered head in a dashiki next week killin' bitches, here's to hoping he's not one of said killt bitches cuz I luz me some Lafayette when he's shakin' dat Laffy Taffy.
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| Gimme Spock Hand if U like bacon. To hell wif alla yuh. |
MARNTONIA & MOST BORING SAVIOR EVER: Marnie is gone, but not really. I was wondering why urrything seemed to be wrapping up this episode, and I knew it meant the end of the standoff shit because there's only so much milking you can get outta locking everyone in a room and making them look about as terrified as if Chris Brown walked in and they were all Rihanna clones (too soon?). But alas I'm hoping we'll get to see Laf talk to Marnie like she talked to that useless Selma Hayek twin bitch (who I hope is gone forever now), so that I can get one last episode of this hobag giving awkward hi-fives and such to her coven.
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| Laf gotta skull & 90's white trash jeans on, yet Jesus' hideo watch is all I can focus on. (Y isn't Bruho dead yet Shambles) |
Jesus on the other hand I'm more than happy to see go. Pretty sure Laftonia is gonna kill him as Boresus will reveal to Laf that he turned his back on Marnie, and therefore she'll go apeshit and kill him via Laf (did that make sense Shambles). Either way, I'll sell everything in my fridge if Jesus is around in Season 5. He serves no purpose (ever) but now that we've established Lafayette is a medium and the witch shit is wrapping up, there's only room for one witch in town come season's end, and that spot's already taken by Holly.
I will admit however that even though I clearly don't like Boresus, he was very helpful and useful this week. He's still lame and I can't stand him, but (like Bill and Eric) he made me want to kill myself just a little bit less this week. So go him or whatever.
I will admit however that even though I clearly don't like Boresus, he was very helpful and useful this week. He's still lame and I can't stand him, but (like Bill and Eric) he made me want to kill myself just a little bit less this week. So go him or whatever.
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------SAM/LUNA/ALCIDE, SNARKUS/DEBBIE------
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| Home Alone Again! AHHHHHHH |
SPAM & LUNA & ALCIDE: Sam is kickin' wolf ass and takin' names later. Love that he's a freaking killer yet people look at him like his favorite show is Teletubbies and he giggles upon hearing the word "boobs" (GIGGLE). For real though, Sam will fuq your life up if you piss him off (or kill his brother that he couldn't stand ntway), so don't cross this dog.
As far as Luna goes, I only have three words: "Go away now". Well that and: "You suck ass". For real, your now dead babby dady is a dick, and you're stupid and can't make up your mind about what ethnicity you want to be. Nothing wrong with that, but this is True Blood, lame has no place in these parts and you've got too much of that lame going on that I'm losing my semi-bonerz. I'll be shocked if you and Dora the shapeshifting explorer don't run off and away next week (hopefully) never to be seen again. Make it happen, ya' useless titbag... preez2kthanxbai!
As for Alcide, he killt ponytail Wolf like I knew he would (please bring us crazy evil badass Alcide, thanks), and he pulled an "I bind you Nancy from doing harm against yourself and harm against others" ala The Craft on Debbie's meth ass. So once she goes apeshit and dies next week or whatever, that'll leave Alcide open to get up in on that Sookie cooch, cuz I'm guessing Sook's gonna pull an Ugly Betty and be like, "I like you both, but I choose neither" between Bill and Eric... leaving her fairy cooch avail for some wolfy pink thing insertion.
SIDE NOTE: I love how even though Sam and Alcide have had all their scenes together the last two episodes, they haven't said one word to each other. Do these actors hate each other in real life, or is it like an alpha dog thing? Researchers are standing by for your thoughts on this in the comments section.
As far as Luna goes, I only have three words: "Go away now". Well that and: "You suck ass". For real, your now dead babby dady is a dick, and you're stupid and can't make up your mind about what ethnicity you want to be. Nothing wrong with that, but this is True Blood, lame has no place in these parts and you've got too much of that lame going on that I'm losing my semi-bonerz. I'll be shocked if you and Dora the shapeshifting explorer don't run off and away next week (hopefully) never to be seen again. Make it happen, ya' useless titbag... preez2kthanxbai!
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| Respek the pleather or I willz pee on U fire hydrant style! |
SIDE NOTE: I love how even though Sam and Alcide have had all their scenes together the last two episodes, they haven't said one word to each other. Do these actors hate each other in real life, or is it like an alpha dog thing? Researchers are standing by for your thoughts on this in the comments section.
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| If I cut my hairz & shaved, I bet I'd be handsome. Shut up, Debbie. |
SNARKUS & PELTY COOCH: Deader than a dick in a lesbian bar, I knew Marky mark wasn't long for this world. Did I think Alcide would be the goldeneyed one to do it? No, thought Sam would actually do the deed. Interested to see where it goes from here. Either way, M-Dawg is dead from some random Alcide spell/strength or whatever, and Debbie's next I'm sure. Either way I could care less, but I'm obligated by my own expectations to write about these two so there you go.
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----JASON/HOYT, ANDY/TERRY, ARLENE/DAEMON BEBEH----
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| With these chains, I thee bind. Nice cooch. Thanks, Jess. |
GAYSON & DOLT: Stupid Jason, he's still more torn up about boning his best friend's ex vamp lovuh than he is about the whole rape thing he went through (and that bothers me). But maybe when/if Chrystal Meth tittays comes back to die in the finale next week (or, ugh, next season) it'll all come back to him now like that Celine Dion song.
Either way, Jayce isn't just a hottie, he's also a great guy (boning his buddys girl aside), and the sadness in his eyes when this bitch is on screen is amazeballs. As are his busted attempts to save the day when them vamps be in trouble slash badtalk his lame ass sister. Godspeed, Jason... please-to don't die.
Either way, Jayce isn't just a hottie, he's also a great guy (boning his buddys girl aside), and the sadness in his eyes when this bitch is on screen is amazeballs. As are his busted attempts to save the day when them vamps be in trouble slash badtalk his lame ass sister. Godspeed, Jason... please-to don't die.
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| I'z hungry... I mean angry... I mean both. |
----- Hoyt wasn't in this episode (Shambles). Guess he's at Momma Maxine's house who also wasn't in this episode (double Shambles)... but I'm sure they'll have a scene or two of awesome or at least a costume change in next week's finale. (please be Paula Deen for Halloween, Maxine). Cuz this Jason shit's gotta come to a penis head somehow. Prepare for mad dramz next week I'm sure.
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| This the way to the Boresus funeral? Too Soon? |
MANDY & TERRY: Terry wasn't in this week's epsiode, but he'll be in next week's when Scott Foley's lame ass shows up and sets off his PTSD bullshit again. Andy, however WAS in this week's eppy, but before I get to him, I have a little tale to share with you all.
Between feedings this weekend, Kiki and I were at the beach doing our best beached whales impressions when from the corner of Kiki's well manicured and fat encrusted eye she saw Mr. Andy Bellefelour with his family... it was a sight for sore eyes seeing Chris Bauer and his chillenz, but no matter how much we stalked we didn't get him to scream PIIIIIIIGGG or slip us some V-Juice. Maybe next time. NTwayz, I'm digressin'.
Between feedings this weekend, Kiki and I were at the beach doing our best beached whales impressions when from the corner of Kiki's well manicured and fat encrusted eye she saw Mr. Andy Bellefelour with his family... it was a sight for sore eyes seeing Chris Bauer and his chillenz, but no matter how much we stalked we didn't get him to scream PIIIIIIIGGG or slip us some V-Juice. Maybe next time. NTwayz, I'm digressin'.
This week I have some hatin' to do on our boy. Andy was amazing of course, but I'm not sure how I feel about his herpes fest in the woods with fairy bitch. I'm thinking this is gonna feed into next season, which means Andy will still be with us come season 5 (thank Goddess)... but I'm not sure what's going on nor do I expect it to pay off in any great way (like that baby doll thing from last year's finale)... Is Andy a fairy now? Is he addicted to fairy cooch now like everyone else seems to be? Please say it ain't so because we all know how boring fairy cooch makes people, and we can't lose Andy like we've lost Bill and Eric and Alcide... but I guess they gotta bring back that fairyland troll shit now that they've put it aside all season.
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| Goo Goo Lady Gaga... I wancha soul. Gimme firez! |
FIRE CROTCH & FIRE BEBEH: So Arlene got one scene this week again (and Demonica St Baby was M.I.A this week)... this time said scene was with Andy, and it was (of course) a great one. Man I love me some Arlene. I mean while Tommy's out being dead, Sam, Lafayette, Holly, and Sookie are out fighting everything not named "Zordon", she and Terry gotta keep Merlotte's afloat, all while dealing with a demon baby with fire powers that haven't been addressed in weeks but that I'm sure will come into play during next week's Halloween finale. I fear for my life when I wonder if this whole spirits of the dead shit coming up next week is a precursor to a ghost season next year... but that's next year, and this is about Arlene.
Bitch is definitely white trash, but she's like recycled white trash: her existence is comforting to those of us who care about the environment as we know she's not a complete piece of trash, a part of her is made from something else that we may have thrown away weeks ago, but still cherish in the back of our minds (stretching too far for a metaphor Shambles). All that aside, go Arlene. I luz you more than chicken nuggets (well almost more).
Bitch is definitely white trash, but she's like recycled white trash: her existence is comforting to those of us who care about the environment as we know she's not a complete piece of trash, a part of her is made from something else that we may have thrown away weeks ago, but still cherish in the back of our minds (stretching too far for a metaphor Shambles). All that aside, go Arlene. I luz you more than chicken nuggets (well almost more).
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| I said EXCRA FUQING PEPPERONIS! Amateurs!!! |
NOT PICTURED THIS WEEK, THANK GOD - Portia (seriously why did she ever exist, and if she's back next season I'll kill something cute), Crystal Meth Tits, Godrick
NOT PICTURED THIS WEEK, HOW DARE YOU - Kenya, Nan, Lettie Mae, Maxine, Terry, Hoyt, Damian Child
NOT PICTURED THIS WEEK, HOW DARE YOU - Kenya, Nan, Lettie Mae, Maxine, Terry, Hoyt, Damian Child
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| Dis mah O-face. Like, "Oh, Jesus U & Portia 2 lame 4 such fancy names". |
In Shammation, next week is gonna be epic. Predicting that Jesus, possibly but probably not Tara, and Debbie are goners... while Luna and kid are gonna flee town (hopefully not with Sam so we don't have to see her anymore). Oh and of course Marnie's spirit is gonna be gone too. Either way, next week's finale should be filled with lots of tricks (Marniette) and treats (Jesus dying). But only time will tell, so come back here on the 12th for the final True Blood Redux of the year, it will be a sad day... but I'll be back for Season 5 of course. Here's to one more week of Ferocia and Pals.
---- Later, Witch Breathed Bitches!
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