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Ok, firsty all, this edition is mad spoiler filled, so if you haven't seen the finale (like unsaturated fats) get the hell away from me until you have.
Aight, with that outta the way, a lot of shit went down in the finale. I feel like I'm back at church camp and the counsilors gave us the bug juice. Everyone guard your a-hole, cuz some mad shit is about to enter your body parts, and this time it's not attached to father Dickerson. We got two evil bitches coming back to reap hell next season. We got two forms of useless dead, one form of awesome dead (RIP bitch), and another form of used to be awesome but lost some of her spunk in recent seasons due to awful shit, but I hope on my double-chunk middle roll that she'll be back next season in ghost form.
Now, before I reveal too much pre the jump, let's get into the itty bitty titty nitty gritty of this week's awesome Suckmahjuicyween finale (Halloween pun Shambles) before I start killing cute stuff in celebration anger from what happened...
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| Gimme ya chillenz. I'z hawngry! |
This finale teaser brought to you by Mah Le Petit Bebeh and the law offices of Fork That Bitch. I'm already loving Marnfeyette, and she/he's only said like half a word. I'm also loving the attack on sure-to-be-dead-by-episode's-end Jesus, can we please have a spinoff where everyone just hurts him over and over again for my viewieng pleasure? It'll be called "Things to do to boring when you're bored"... or maybe "Cheers" or something. NTwayz, on to the episode.
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--BEEL/ERIC/NAN, JASON/HOYT/JESSICA, SNOOKIE/TARA--
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| We either live together, or die alone. Die alone preez! |
BILL & ERIC & NAN: Two guys, a girl, and pizza face is what these hobags are. Looks like a modern couple threesome is in the works for these two post their little back to back shirtless near burning. Which, if we want to not be Alan Ball's fantasy and instead want to be realistic, there was no reason for them to be shirtless while tied up and burnt at the stake. In fact, the fabric from their clothing only woulda made them burn faster... but I digress. These two contributed nothing more than boring ass pining over Sookie's gap toothed ass so I'll spare you the word count and just move on to much more interesting two guys one girl homance pastures.
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| I smell cooch. Wait, it's just the true death. Or bacon, yeah bacon. |
In more HIV positive news (too soon?), I like team Eric and Bill working together to kick ass and kill fux, but did it have to be Nan? True, bitch was bitter and angry all the time, but right when she was starting to prove free of being delegated to TV interviews and small cameos, hobag gets the true death and we're just one more sass-barb down. Rest in bubbly chunks, Nan. We'll miss you like last night's buffet.
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| Nice semi-bulge, Jayce. Please-to complete to full and remove pant. |
JASON & HOYT & JESSICA: Previously on Jerry Springer... oh wait this is TB. Go Jason for stepping up and telling Hoyt the truth, go Hoyt for gettin' all Chris Brown on him and throwin' some bows (too soon?). I like how real the brolationship between these two is playing out over the seasons, and I really like Hoyt to the point where I wish I was a fire cooched vampire virgin. I feel deep down in my man-parts that Jess needs to turn Hoyt so they can be happily ever after for all eternity. Mah man-parts are also confident that I need to turn Jason so I can get some Aussie-playin'-a-southern-dude love in my nether region for all eternity. Sadly I'm not so sure either is in the cards.
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| Dude... Jason. It's call a tan. Ur paleness is killin' me. Literally. |
Meanwhile, little red riding cooch is all about getting her churry popped over and over again instead of all that emotional relationship crap... so essentially she's now the female equivalent of Jason, while he is now the one who wants all that lovey dovey to go with his herpes. No one ever said love was easy folks, especially when it shows up at your door dressed like some kinda fairy red riding hood with stripper makeup and ferosh as hell curly red hair.
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| Bish Yoo Crayzee, course I swallowed (and giv good head; Get it?) |
SOOK-FACE & TARA-BULL DYKE: I like these two together about 50% as much as I like Jason and Hoyt together, but those are still good odds. Judging from their little breakfast convo at the top of the episode I didn't have high hopes for Tara making it alive to the end credits. One thing that baffles me though and I touched on it last week like a pedo touches a bebeh-dick is how chill Tara and Sookie are after the whole Witches vrs Vamps battle throughout the season. Tara had some pretty strong four letter words to stick in Sook's ear parts and there seems to be no mention of that falling out, but I guess true friendship doesn't need apologies to get over a fight, plus it was breakfast time so who wants to argue over satty fats anyway? Not me.
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| Nothin' laik a beer & a shotgun wif my fine as hell bro. (I shoots ppl) |
Poor Sookie's a legit killer now, and she's gotta mop up more brain and blood parts off her kitchen floor... but a little hard work never killed anyone (except everyone in that kitchen). Methinks Tara's long dead, and no amount of V is gonna bring that bitch back. But as Boresus told us right before all that drama went down, and as we're learning that next season will probably have a lot of ghost shit doing down, Tara might be dead, but she's not gone as Laf is a medium and can get his fix slash communicate or be taken over, so maybe he and Tara will share wigs from time to time.
After all, ghosts gotta reap too, and I don't think Tara's letting go of the afterlife just yet. While in my loins I wish Franklin had turned Tara last year, being reborn as a ghost-lez is the next best thing. Or maybe I'm completely off base and no matter what they try to do, bitch is dead and out looking for work. Only time will tell I guess, but either way I'm now gonna have to make some adjustments to my Tara wig for Halloween to include a gaping hole and brain chunks. Yum.
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------MARNFEYETTE/JESUS, ANDY/HOLLY------
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| Even as a cartoon, Jesus looks half sleep. Praise him for being dead. |
LAFNIE & BORESUS: Ok, as much as I hate Jeezy, and as much as I'm glad he's dead. I gotta give it to him for the following line "You can't trade magic like fuqin' Pokemon cards". And, "I would gladly trade this shit inside me if I knew how to." slash "what's inside of me, is seriously dark". Obvious dookie related joke out of the way, J-Bone... Marnie already got that dark shit that was inside you, it's called Laf's dick and it's under her spell now (dead dick Shambles). But let's revel in that which is my dreams coming true and me getting Miss Cleo points for calling the death of this hobag. Perhaps he'll live up to his name and do some resurrecting of the downstairs lady-weave having victim, but methinks that ain't happenin' and he's gone for good since he ain't got no more powers (one can dream).
In other news though, poor Laf is gonna have some mad issues to deal with once he finds out what those gunshots he heard downstairs resulted in... but I'm thinking he may be seeing his cousin and (ugh) Lovuhhh in the ghost flesh next season from time to time (more so Tara than Jeez). Either way, dark times (no pun) ahead for Laf when June 2012 rolls around. Blessed be.
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| Gimme dat V-Juice, Stackhouse. I WILL eats you! |
ANDY & HOLLY: Holly LIVES! Thank Goddess. Maybe next season we'll get to actually meet those alleged two sons you have when you and Andy are hopefully rubbing witches and fairy wings. Not sure what Andy's deal is now that he boned that fairy bitch last episode, but he seems happy and at peace so I can't really complain (unless of course this means he won't be rattling off one-liners of anger anymore, then I'll have a mad boner to pick). Either way, here's to hoping these two bitches are in it for the long run and start dating, cuz there's mad awesome-potential in that.
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------SAM/MAXINE/LUNA, ALCIDE/DEBBIE------
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| Call me mama, Bwaah. Tommy did. (luna sux btdubz). |
SAMMY & MAXINE & TUNA COOCH: Fat club for life Maxine, but Sam ain't never calling you Mama, and shoot me if I ever eat one of your famous pork rind casseroles. Maybe Sam will go to her as mommy next year once (hopefully) Luna and Dora are out of the picture, I'm guessing since they didn't die that they'll still be around to bore things up next season (kill me now Shambles). Poor Sam hasn't really gotten to do that much in the last few seasons, here's to hoping he goes ape shit and starts killing fuqs for no reason other than I want Luna to go bye bye slash night night for good. But we can't get all our witshes can we?
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| In lieu of boring (Alcide/Debbie), I gives U crazy tranny. |
DICKSEED & METHIE: Alcide seems on edge now that's he's killt a man, and I'm sure Sookie and him will be able to relate to each other now that she's killt a wo-man. His wo-man to be sexact, so as they come together in their respective tragedies expect mad shit to hit mad fans. Also, could it maybe be Alcide that was the wolf at the end after Sam? I don't think so since his wolf is white, but who the fuq knows (methinks it might be Dora the shapeshifting exploror trynna Kill Bill avenge her daddy)? All that matters really is that I yet again get mad Miss Cleo points for calling that meth-Debbie was a goner. Good riddence, bitch (literally).
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-----TERRY/ARLENE/NOEL + DEMON BEBEH, PAM-----
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| Sweet Camo, Mom. Now I'mma daymun kill U! |
TERRY & ARLENE & NOEL FROM FELICITY + FIRE BEBEH: Yes, Terry. I WOULD like a ham I mean hand sammich. Oh and, Arlene, you really were workin' that human toe necklace like overtime... but I coulda done without the "Zombies are the new Vampires" line that basically sets up what next season is gonna be when Rene comes back as demon bitch from hell AKA next season's big bad or whatever as he might be warning Arlene about Terry's Daymonz now, but unless he goes back in the grave or off to Disneyland or wherever it is Marnie, Selma Hayek Ghost, Gran (who's lookin' like mad shit), and all the other meth-head ghosts went to, then I ain't buyin' that we won't see him again in some capacity next season.
Also, Noel or whatever his name is probs won't be around for that long since he's working on other shows and shit, but I'm pretty certain he only needs to be around long enough to bring up old memories and make Terry lose his shit. Methinks his ass really is dead, is a ghost, and is back in the flesh to fuq with Terry's mind. Lastly, we didn't see demon bebeh again this week, and that whole fire power thing that was suggested the baby had that started the fire was never addressed. I'm kinda pissed about that, but maybe it'll pass over into next season, if not Alan Ball and friends got some splainin' to do.
Side note props to Arlene's kids, that scene they had where they were talking about their costumes with Dora the Shapeshifting explorer was pricless. "I'm eatin' for two" and "I'm Amber from Teen Mom 2" were definite highlights of brillz (loads of bacon bits, Raelle Tucker on writing that shit).
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| Blowup doll lips never looked so hot. Respek! |
FEROCIA: Poor Ferocia, cast out and all she has to console her is scream-head Ginger, which actually isn't that bad a consolation prize. Also, mad props to this bitch for reading the Shamblettes with her reference to Sook's nethers. Although I must say that it's "Fairy Cooch", Pam not "Fairy Vagina"... but whatever no one's gonna sue you over that one. Bitch speaks truth though through her blood tears when she bitches about how stupid Sookie's everything name is. Power to the undead people, Hobag. Can't wait to see more of you next year as you kick the shit outta NT1 that gets in your pleather and side pony way.
Awesome theory that ain't happenin' thought: Wouldn't it be awesome if Pam went to Sookie's to kill her, stumbled upon "gives good head" Tara, and did some vamp shit to bring her back to life as a vamp? Probably a long shot (no pun) considering the whole shotgun to the head thing, but it would be cool to see Tara as Pam's Jessica so to speak since these two hate each other. Guess we gotta wait to see.
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| Dammit, not this shit again! |
NOT PICTURED THIS WEEK, HOW DARE YOU - Kenya, Lettie Mae, Barny Fife Cop, Lil' Mikey.
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| You can't help it, Tara... Ur white. Bitch U Got this blackwardz. |
In entire season Shamclusion, what started in rapeville ended in rapeville. What began with death of a queen ended in death of several queens. What began in fairyville ended in the kitchen of death. I can't say this was the best season of TB, but it wasn't boring by any means.
Were there some things I wish hadn't been dropped like soap in the prison shower? Yes, Jason should be more effected by his ordeal, Tara's kickboxing shoulda come into play since she went outta her way to learn self defense, it clearly didn't help since no amount of high kicks will stop a bullet to the head-parts. Do I wish the entire season didn't reduce Sookie and Eric and (ugh) Bill to frothing at the mouth over fairy cooch douchelords? Of course, but it looks like Bill and Eric: vampire killers, is a much better show to watch than the "not without my blonde bitch" shit they were acting out this year.
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| Talk about bloodshot eyes, ZING! |
It's been a blast of bacon air to write these recaps for all one of you, if the blog is still up and running next year and I'm not some huge success who forgets all the little people, I look forward to (like watching Jason and Hoyt have v-induced hallucination sex) doing this again.
----- Much love and skull fragments,
Adrain "That bitch ain't dead"-adine.
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