Shambletorial: Peeps I'd Make a Sex Tape With

And you'll die 7 days later.

     That sound you hear is me getting excited.  True it's short and recurring, but a good Herpes Post can (like its namesake) last a lifetime.  Unfortunatly this Herpes Post got upgraded to full blown AIDS a Shambletorial because, If the title of this post wasn't obvious enough, I'm bringin' the hobag with this little ditty about people I'd say "yes preez" to if they were like, "let's bone and I'mma tape it", so clearly I've got a lot to say on the topic.  Now pop on in here, push play, and try to get that money shot in focus cuz it's time to get our hypothetical sex tape on...

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      I'll keep this simple, we all know that no one wants to see me with my shirt off, much less nekkid with sex face on and presenting orifices and juices in 24 pounds frames per second.  So fret not, I won't be making a sex tape ever, nor will I be making sex with anyone ever any of the people on this list because to them I'm like a unicorn (AKA don't exist slash covered in rainbows).  So this is all just in good dirty fun.  But enough gabbin', let's get to the "okay go, the red light is on" sexin'.

PEOPLE I'D MAKE A SEX TAPE WITH....

One that has sex with you on camera.

1) Announcer Dude on ABC Family - I'm not sure if it's the mystery of what he looks like, or maybe it's just his enthusiasm for Pretty Little Liars, but this guy's got a weird voice with child-like innocence or something to it that makes my jellies jam like wegroes at a Step Up 3 style dance party.  

     All that aside though, If we did bone bones and push "play" on the ole beta max, I'm sure I'd have to put a bag over his head and axe him to talk about TV because if past experience is any proof, chances are someone who sounds hot usually isn't when you see them... hence why they do voiceover work and aren't on Dancing with the Shitlisters... but maybe it's just a matter of time.  Either way I'd sex this mysterious boo and record it if it came down to it.  (Tee hee, "came down to it")

This why I hate Burger King; he get all the good back alley rapes.

2) Jack In the Box Guy:  Like ABC Family announcer guy, the main appeal here is that I have no idea what this dude looks like, but either way I'd have no prollem gettin' busy even if he had his white Mr. Bill pingpong ball head on, and you bettuh trust that I'd make him show some emotion in that their shape covered face of his.  

     Just think about it, he's tall, has man hands, and he REALLY likes fast food, what more could a gaywad want in his boo-parts?  Ok, ok, to be fair, (and according to the all knowing Wikipedia) the voice of the guy is the person who came up with him, a man named (not kidding) Dick Sittig (insert "sit on ween" joke here).  The actor however is not Dick (tee hee), it's a man named Jason Curtis (another source claims it's this DILFy hottie Jack Tates)  So clearly I'm proposing a threesome for this taped romp of bacon bits and milkshake juice affair.

Hey, Boo I got sugar in my sack too.  Can I have somma Urs?

3) Doofus from the Ocean Spray cranberry commercials:  I feel I've talked about this hot thayng before, but he's so fine it's worth a repeat.  We all know how much I love me some short bus hotties, and this guy fits the bill Forrest Gump style.  In real life his real name is Justin Hagan, he's got a daughter (hot dad points), he looks like Sam Jaeger kinda slash seems to be in fine ass shape (double dick lift points), and he is werkin' that little slicker outfit like it's overtime.

     Who wouldn't wanna bone that and get all wet and nastay in the marshy cranberry fields?  Is it true that that old guy in the commericals with him might wanna watch and J off while it happens?  No, prolly not, but he might axe to hold the camera.  Either way (and in TMI news) it's NBD, I'd take a little freaky old man perv if it means I get to ocean spray my UTI all over this hottie and watch it over and over on camera.

This guy's nuts... R peeking out from behind that sex hand (nom).

4) Dairy Queen Guy:  (prepare for mulptiple links to his hotness) 

     Number 1 (err 4) on my list is the most bonable.  This dude (real name John Behlmann) combines everything I love about the three weirdos above, and expands on it like my ever widening ass of bacon fat.  He has a nice voice, he's tall (6''4''), likes fast food/ice cream/might be gay, he might be semi-retarded, AND unlike the other three obejex of my ho-sires, has a sweet 70's gay porn stache that makes him look not only like said 70's gay porn star, but also like a child molester/serial killer, and we all know how much I love cute psychopaths.

     Cerealously folks, this guy is smokin' like stoned teenagers at a Snoop Dogg house party, and you know his body is like "oh lawwwd!", if fact it is, cuz he also DOES TRAPEZE (subtle this plus he does Broadway so he could be gay points?  A boy can dream).  Therefore, if he showed up to my dungeon of carbs with a DQ hot dog and asked me to stick it in his donut on cam, I would take my ass to Best Buy, get the first camera I could find, and run (yes I said run) my ass back to the crib and set it up on my vein burrito tripod while we got down like dead bodies after too much Dairy Queen.  

Forgive meh, Father for I have sinned... all over ur sexy face.

     Ok, again I've broken into TMI slash "seriously did he just say that?" territory... but like my shame, I don't have any when it comes to people I'd make a hypothetical sex tape with, and don't ack like you're not the shame.