Holy Hot Messes: Membershit Only Warehouse

Ten points if you can find the black guy.

     Oh my grits, Lil' Baconators... it's 2012 and I'm back full time to bring in the new year with a whole heap of Shambles to keep your jellies jammin' til blood runs in the streets and we all die or whatever because the Mayan calendar-makers got lazy.  But in lighter news, I'm boutta bring your lard-infused asses another heap of Holy Hot Mess, and this time it's a place that not even Lady Gaga's penis would wanna go in.  No, it's not a Kardashian Cooch or "da Club", but the place in question is just as full of random shit you don't need, and just as easy to get in to...
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PLACE:  Costco

Gotta admit, dem fries look good. (That's me in green)

    Oh my, where-to do I even begin to discuss this shit-hole of death and why it's one of the hottest messes in all the Land?  On paper I should luuuurrrve Costco: Shitty snax/noms in bulk, people who are more hideous and fat than me walking around, a sense of "I'm better than you-ness" by only allowing members to shop there, and most importantly, a snack bar/mini restaurant with pissa and other carbs to make tomorrow morning's trip to the twahlette that much more shit-citing... but all these reasons to lurv aside, I just can't seem to plop my ever-widening ass inside a Costco.

Me again.  Gotsta have my Lucky Charms.

     The main reason for my hatred is pretty simple, and pretty murch the same reason why I hate fancy clubs full of douchebags and douchebagettes:  Costcos are packed full of smelly people of all kinds who have no good reason to be there, but want everyone to know they can go-to there because they made it through the door by showing ID. 
      Lissy up, Fux if you wanna pretend you're not as poor as you really are, go to Target instead of Wal-Mart, don't wander the halls of Costco buying 65 pounds of detergent when the clothes you're wearing to browse said halls are covered in mustard and jizz... clearly that jug of Downey is just for show, but you'll drop 40 dollars on it NTWay to prove that you deserve to be in the mega-store of death, when you should really be giving handy-J's outside of Ross Dress For Less to pay next month's rent.
     

5 Million preez.  Bitch I said NO!

     Don't get me wrong, bidnesses and shit with lots of people can benefit from buying in bulk from a Costco or Costco-like shithole... but that's why said bidnesses and shit order online and have the ish shipped, they don't put on their baggy sweatpants that show your panty-crack, rev up the 1987 Pinto, and rush down to the local Costco to save ten cents a roll on booty-wipe and Fruit by the Foot.
     Don't get me wrong part deux: I love me some free samples, boo... that's true times two, but when I only get one little bagel bite chunk before Esther the Precious-sized sample lady gives me "we're outta baconators so stop trynna order 20 of them" side-eyes of death for taking more than one (hundred) of said free samples, it kinda defeats the purpose.  If I wanted to eat like a bird, people, I'd be a big ass Ostrich, not Calista Flockhart.
     Don't get me wrong part 3: Yes, Costco is huge and full of everything you could need... but as many of you know by now, my lazy ass is too fat to walk, so even though these Labyrinth's of death are filled with noms and snax, the aisles of Costco are too vast and shizz to make me want to eat said snacks and noms, because I'm too busy choking on my throat fat from walking and wheezing to enjoy their splendors.

Why U wanna belong to the same club he does?  He watches FOX.

     In theory, Costco should be awesomeballs because you can buy tires, jew-ry, and etc... but when you think about it, do you really wanna give some bling to your lady or man-parts that you got off layaway from the Big-C?  If you're one of the many lovelies pictured in this post, perhaps your answer to the above is "yes", but to the rest of us who didn't grow up in Deliveranceville, when we need bling, we might as well just go to Jared (or that Pawn Shop on that show on the White Trash Network A&E).
     In the end, and most of this post aside, I don't judge people who go or don't go to Costco, I just think the place is one big ass hot mess.  So no matter how many meatball samples they put out or discounts they offer, you won't find my asses there any time soon... because if I wanted to get lost in a vast wasteland of hideos with annoying kids and bitches who judge me for eating too murch slash hate on meh cuz I refuse to move out of the way, I'd just fill out an application at Dave & Busters and call it day...  I mean, at least there you don't have to be a member to get in and hate your life.