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| Caynt cancel dis kitty cooch. Um, axshly I can. U nxt "St. Of Georgia" |
Happy Jew-thousand-12, Lil' Baconators. I know you've missed me throwback Pepsi style, but like the chemicals in that Devil's juice, I always find a way back into your life to cause chaos and ever-widening hips. It's been a hot-ass minute since we've had a new epi-soda (see what I did there?) of Pretty Little Hobags Liars, and like that one time after that condomless orgy in a dark alley behind Ross Dress For Less, the wait to find out what went down since then was agonizing.
Well it's finally time to get close to "A" and her/him/it/Mona/they's identity; cuz that endless-text-plan-having skank is back to torment the sluttiest 17 year-olds on TV this side of a Teen Mom, and I'm here to Redux the shit out of it after the jump, but hurry, or you might have to sit through another episode of Melissa and Joey and wish we could all get cancelled die like that Chloe King skank and her allegeded 9 lives...
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For those of you just joining/stumbling upon the Shambelette's, these PLL Reduxes are stream-of-thought observations and stank talkin' about one of my fave-shows... but don't take my word for it, just read on...
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| Nice costume. What-chu spose-tuh be... a bad actress? |
----- PREVIOUSLY ON PRETTY LITTLE LIARS: Shit went down and got real, these hoez got arrested. Every male on the show other than Chad Lowe on certain days is gay, and Noel Kahn and Mona are still the most wonderful things to come along since the Food Network. By now if you don't know what's going on, there's no need for me to legit recap it for you as you're probz not reading this post NTway. Now on to the show...
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| Em's got the Russian Whore face down pat. Who's Pat? (eye roll) |
----- Note to self: the only punishment for being convicted of murder = Freddy Krueger girls singing and jumping rope next to convicts, 1 month of community service picking up trash with horrible banged lezbos in oh so tra-jeek orange jump suits, oh and apparently PMS cuz bitches be cranky. I'll take my chances.
----- Words of wisdom from Spencer and Emily: You apparently can't make a deal with a rattlesnake unless you have something the rattlesnake wants. Note to self 2: Pick up mice and donuts on the way home.
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| Why is there a camera behind me? That's a man, Aria. Oh. |
----- Not that I'm complaining... but why come all Hanna and her Mom do in the kitchen is eat, argue, and spit out way too obvious expository dialogue? More eat, less speak preez.
----- Best boner-making exchange that didn't mean what I wanted it to goes to Aria speaking to Mike. Aria: "So, you like this guy?" Mike: "He's ok. I mean, he's really old but not a jerk. He doesn't make those listening noises like my first..." (and this is where the boner deflates) "..therapist." I was hoping that over the break Mike had suddenly become poor and joined some football camp at Penn State. (too soon Shambles?)
----- Aria is the worst at subtlety, let's hope her brother isn't as terrible at piecing together clues. PROOF: Hey Mike, you know Mr. Fitz was boning a student, and your sister is flirting with him and then sends you within earshot to throw away some shitty coffee she shouldn't be drinking in the first place because she's 17. Then she looks at you suspiciously to make sure you're not listening. So unless she's hiding maple bacon from the commissary on that obviously Warner Brothers Lot where they're filming this... Hobag is the one who was boning Mr. Fitz. Just sayin'. Preez don't let me down on this one, Mikey.
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| Shoulda stayed on X-Files, cuz I ain't get'n no PLL screen times. |
----- Spencer is kinda being a bitch these days. Maybe it's because she's gotta drop lame exchanges like this one she had with Mexo-Cop-or-whatever, Garrett. MC Garrett: "Just because two things go together doesn't mean they're related." Spencer: "Well you know all about things that go together don't you?". MC Garrett: "Again, is that supposed to mean something?" Spencer: "You know all about connections...". For those in the back slash Mike, she's talking about Hot Dogs and Donuts. And for those of you further in the back slash MC Garrett and Mike, I'm talking about sexual intercourses.
----- SIDE NOTE: New Jason and Posh Spice Therapist are apparently gone for the time being. SIDE NOTE TO SIDE NOTE: Adrian is happy. SIDE NOTE TO SIDE NOTE TO SIDE NOTE: Is it to much to hope that they took Simbajaws-Toby, Aria's eyebrows, and everything NOT Mona with them?
----- Great, New White Lady Coach who won't let Emily swim has replaced Old Black Lady Coach who wouldn't let Emily eat cooch. Is it too much to axe for A - an explanation for where black lady coach went, and B - some more diversity in Rosewood? Circle "Yes" on the board, Em if you agree.
----- FINAL SIDE NOTE: If "A" is in that classroom of 10 people and able to see Em circle "yes" on the board, why don't she just eyeball that bitch out and call it a day? Also, was that Noel Kahn or just his body double that came in to the room for a hot second before the "yes circling" went down? Or am I just hoping to see Sir Hotness so bad I'm starting to see his Bacon-like face (translation: hot and delicious) when I shouldn't? Either way, now I'm hungry. Thoughts?
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| I wish I was that black girl... and that my hand was a wiener. |
----- Oh good, Gay Lucas is back, and he's got secret A-like programs on his computer, a collection of "pictures" on his laptop he can't stop looking at (I.E: black gay porn), and Hanna is making food references in regards to her outfit (mmmm orange creamsickles). Spinoff Preez.
----- "Nobody starts out to hurt anybody"... unless they're Dexter, Mr. Aria's Dad. Clearly you don't have Showtime.
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| Juss smile, make sure u're not bleeding, and Toby won't e-chu. |
----- Simbajaws alert! Please-to excuse me while I vomit. At least Boring Melissa is out of town getting tests or whatever on her cooch. As long as I don't have to see her face, I guess I'll tolerate Toby's. On second thought, seeing that hideo chair or whatever he made for Spencer that makes no sense makes me long for Melissa's bad acting over his everything.
----- "So what's the difference between a comic book, and a graphic novel?" Well, Hefty Hanna... comic books get you skype sex, and a graphic novel gets your a hand-job. Too bad no matter how bad he tries to pretend, Gay Lucas wants neither from you... ugh, gross. KeanuCaleb is back. At least he got his hair cut... well sort of, maybe he just found a brush.
----- The only thing I hate more than Janet/Jackie the ex-girlfriend or whatever are Aria's eyebrows and Fitz's stupid facial expressions... seeing as how all three of them are making cameo's in this scene slash locked in an office together, I'm considering killing myself. Thank Alan Ball God they cut to black on this A-stat.
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| Oooh, R those bagels? No, Aria... they're your hands. God I'm bored. |
----- Aria/Fitz scene omitted from commentary so I don't fall asleep. Ditto Gay Lucas/KeanuCaleb scene which follows it. These two offering to stay together at Gay Lucas' house should make my jellies jam, but I can't because KC's denim jacket is worse than sugarless anything.
----- "Where's Aria, we said we were gonna do this together". Please-to see the underlined sentence above and replace "KC's denim jacket" with "Aria's outfit". UPDATE: Not subtle at all, Ladies. The only way "A" isn't on to you is if "A" is either Mike or MC Garrett, those two have already proven how short the bus was that they rode on to school.
----- Speaking of Mike (Semi-Spoiler Alert), the reason he punched Mr. Fitz in the mouth (worst punch bt-dubbs), was because all this time he thought Fitz was gonna tell his parents that THEY were boning, not that Fitz and Aria were boning. Also, that last bit was what we in the "community" call a "Gay lie", or as the rest of you know it; "Straight truth". Both are one and the same.
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| Huh? No, it notta herpe. What was the question? Is that shirt GAP? Oh. |
----- "Bad idea to wake a sleepwalker". Good God I forgot how terrible everything Mr. Fitz says is. Example #2? Moments after that first opus he let's this ditty fly in regards to whether or not his bloody lip came from Mr. Aria's Dad, "No... that's what her brother brought to the party". My fat encrusted eyes can NOT roll enough.
----- "Go away, Jackie. Get out. There's nothing I want from you". So true, Mr. Fitz, especially that last part since you like the same type of appetizers as Opposite Day Chaz Bono... AKA; wieners and man-dong.
----- Awesome, that shitty-acting Hobag, Kate is coming to school at Rosewood to terrorize Hanna. Like low-carb diets don't do that enough already without HER chiming in. Here's to hoping Grandma SassCrotch will come back too and help even the score.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
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| Um, I heard they's a boner here I can Nom on? Right this way, Noel. |
----- Hey, Em. First rule of "A-Club"... don't reveal your master plan to the killer, especially when you haven't yet seen their face, heard their voice, or made sure your backup bitches are only a few feet away to make sure you don't get Scream 4'd. Just sayin'.
----- Ironically, the first smart thing Hanna's said this whole series that wasn't food related is as follows in regards to "A's" identity/gender: "Any sense of boob?". You go, Gurl. Now go eat 6 pig-face cupcakes to celebrate your breakthrough.
TAG: "A" runs like a girl... so clearly it's Noel Kahn. "A" also breaks windows instead of opening car doors... so clearly "A" must really like stealing stereos and be from 1997 when thefts like that were relevant.
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| Amen, Sister... A to-the-muthuhfuqin men. |
VERDICT: Gotta say, shitty expository dialogue, Toby/Aria's everything, and all... this eppy was pretty damn fantasto. Like a stripper at a steak-restaurant, I can't wait to see the back half of this season and get to the goods... Cuz I have it on high fat-thority that "A" will be revealed by season's end, (the Season Finale I'm hearing). Don't believe me? Well the season fat-nale is titled; "UnmAsked"... so take from that what you will and eat my boogers, Haters.
Also gotta say, I'm glad to be back. And as always, please-to leave your bacon-bits (thoughts/comments) on the episode, or ways to improve these reduxii below. NTwyaz, see y'all Pretty Little Hobags next week for another PLL Redux.
---- "A" Greno.
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