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| Surryously, I can't. What is that statue-thingy in the background? |
Ugh, so here we are again with another episode of PLL. I love this show, but after this week it's truly testing my patience. Read on to see why, or don't... either way I'll probably still threat-text you later...
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| Bitch I will shit on you! Touch mah cooch! |
Previously on Pretty Little Liars: Emily can't take a test, Ezra still can't act, Hanna is hungry, Maya is still 60 years old, Holden is another addition to the random white guy I can't stand pool, and Gay Lucas went down, but not in the way we're all hoping ("we" being me). Now to the show...
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| Figures, Gay Lucas finally gets me wet and then disappears. |
----- Hanna, what the hell is wrong with you? You're turning down soup? I thought I knew you better. And Spencer, dragging the lake is NOT the best term to use when referring to Gay Lucas' potential body, cuz in this case when you combine the two all you get is "Lady in The Water".
----- Destroying a statue does not an "A" make ladies, just because Gay Lucas can smash porcelain does not mean he can threat text your cooches to death... and good lord, seriously, your shortbustards? You didn't realize that shitty grass sludge in that tall can you call a glass wasn't regular water? How in the hell did you even fill the glass and not realize? I mean, I know that Hanna goes blind with food rage whenever she puts something edible to her lips, but you other three liars should have known better.
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| Bitch you stole my necklace! Now I steal your teets. |
----- When Lucas is ready to tell these Hobags what's going on with him, it'll be at a gay bar and he'll have 12 inches of dick in his throat... so he won't be able to tell you. #catch22
----- I know Smittey's, it's a leather-daddy bar. I went one time for the pork chops... but all I got was herpes and a to-go bag of crabs.
----- Holden Strauss? Yeah, in my shoulders. I keep most of my strauss up there from lifting so many bags of chips. Good lord, I. Marlene King, new name choice preez. Why don't you just introduce some new gym teacher named Anita Freshcooch while you're at it?
SIDE NOTE: Two lines of dialogue in and I already want to kill this Holden fuq. His face is like 80% lips and he's talking super loud... bitches have no sense of fashion, not lack of hearing so maintain low tones HS.
SIDE NOTE SIDE NOTE: It IS that weird that Holden likes Aria, Spencer... for one he's a terrible actor, and for two... Aria is a lot of things, but likeable isn't one of them.
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| Who |
----- This scene with the fat kid holding Hanna's Laura Palmer from Twin Peaks photo is the best thing since sliced Bacon. Not only am I said fat kid, but Mona's delivery of "she's not giving up the crown!" like the crown were a pig-cupcake made me LOL like a mothuhfuquer. I also like the mental image of Mona and Noel Kahn "skinnydipping," AKA "fishing Gay Lucas out of the Lake and tying him up".
----- And the Emmy for worst cryer ever goes to... Ashley Benson. Ugh, while we're on the topic of things that make me want to gag, Maya's back in the habit like Sister Act 2 and I want her to die faster than those ugly ass toe-shoes. But back to Scream, I mean Hanna in the bathroom. Mona, I mean "A" must be related to Miss Cleo cuz how "A" knew Hanna would be the only one in the girls' room at a High School is amazing, even if that bitch had to waste some serious water to do it.
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| Someone wearing what U are is in no place to look at me like that. |
----- Aria, what the hell are you wearing... no, like seriously, I know I say that a lot, but I REALLY mean it this time, Miss Red Pube Vesty-thingy. Also, maybe you'd get better reception Spencer if what you're calling a phone in your hand wasn't actually a 40 pound boulder.
-----Exposition Giver, er... I mean KeanuCaleb is the worst... as are Gay Lucas' parents. If I had a kid and he went to a party, then didn't come back from said party but sexted me but didn't physically speak to me and said he was staying at his cousin's house so he could "work something out"... ONE, I'd feel sick that my first thought was, "Hot, our son's boning his cousin", TWO, I'd get that little twink on the phone for real so I could make sure it wasn't someone else posing as my son, and THREE, be super jelly that I wasn't invited to this life altering party by camp Crystal Lake or whatever cuz it sounds like a legit rager.
SIDE NOTE - The only way you can go out there and help Gay Lucas, KeanuCaleb is to put your lower half inside of his... or maybe the other way around, I haven't made my final decision about that yet.
----- Funny/sad how this street or whatever in Philly looks just like the outside of the ER hospital, which also is on the Warner Brothers' Lot... also, just because you throw in that Ugly Melissa's condo is 10 blocks from where you're at but you can't seem to think that "hey maybe Melissa bought the shit we came all this way to find" cuz that's what normal people do, doesn't mean I'm buying into a herring that's as wrong and red as Aria's hairy-vesty-thing, that Melissa is "A". Sorry, PLL writers, you gotta do more than that to throw me off the Mona/Noel scent (which of course is Side Pony and Balls flavored).
YET ANOTHER SIDE NOTE: Really? Who knew this random made up bus stop in PLLville was called "Grand Blindtral Station?"... I haven't seen (no pun) this many people pretending to be blind since I asked that group of strangers if my "everything" made me look fat and they answered "no".
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| I'm so "A"ngry... I'm also like 300 years old. |
----- "And this is called a telephone"... thanks, Em... so glad you cleared that up. Your girlfriend is 40, black, and being harrassed by "A"... not retarded.
----- Ok, now Spencer is at the office that in no way looks anything like the shop used on "Pushing Daisies"... a show also shot on the Warner Lot. Can we just give the Nobel Prize of money saving to the people at the Warner Lot already? Or am I just insane for knowing all these obscure TV locations/references? Probz a bit of both.
----- I'm so glad they finally have someone not white on his show in the Indian counter-woman, but do they have to make her look like the long lost Aunt of Kalinda from "The Good Wife?" slash just as bitchy? Also, who the hell are they trying to fool with this blind Kenny G with a SUPER bad perm kid? I literally want to rip the heads off of everyone from hair and wardrobe on this show, and that's coming from me: a 400 pound rhinoceros with a snaggle tooth and a comb over.
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| If my face was as plucked as yours, I'd be sad too, Aria. |
Furthermore, Em, if you don't know at this point what could be going on with Maya when she "...keeps getting these calls and text messages and I can see it's making her upset", then you really need to hop back on the shortbus cuz you ain't... oh ok now you said that you suspect "A" is terrorizing yuh boo, all good.
----- Ok, I'm sorry but I can not... this blind kid is the worst. If he's been blind since a kid and he can't see the sugar then he needs to go deaf next as punishment for not catching on... maybe then he could at least get a gig on "Switched at Birth". UPDATE: Hideous hair aside, this kid's kinda hot, and he's got these huge ass hands/fingers, which if you recall means he's probz got a role on Pretty Big Liars if you catch my STD.
----- So many reasons to kill something innocent: Kalinda counter chix name is Jada (ugh take 1), she asks Spencer what a sign says even though she's in a school for the blind (rude take 1), and finally, do they need to conveniently have "Jada" go into the back so Spencer can steal a yearbook or whatever? I swear the Miss Cleo spirit isn't just for the Rosewood High ladies' room anymore.
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| This ain't old man dick, how'm I sposed'tuh eat it? |
----- "Don't you have your own fake ID?" Kids these days, when I was their age we said things like "Hi" and "Did you do last night's homework?" Also, as much as I loathe Aria, she's got a point, she looks nothing like Maya, and Em's rationale that being the same height and both having brown hair is close enough, isn't, because as much as I love to "see people and not color", the bouncer at said wherever you lezzies are going can tell that Snow White and Count Chocoula are not one and the same... not even in Jersey.
----- Hey Hanna, the last time someone was home alone Joe Pesci and that other dude came by... also, your friend got murdered and you made yourself throw up.
----- Again, really hate this Holden kid, he's so annoying. But at least Miss Jewsteinfelderberg got a shout out and a few lines of dialogue in this scene to distract me from the terrible that is Ezra Fitz showing up in a cab... this is Pennsyvania people, and a small ass town... not New York. Stop taking cabs and start killing yourselves walking more.
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| So... this ISN'T the toilet? How you 'splain dem shit prints then? |
----- Meanwhile at the ER train station/Quickie Mart... er... I mean Pennsylvania or whatever, Miss Cleo is back and Mona is miracuosly here in the middle of a meth-lab filled street yet no one else is. Run, Spencer, run! Hobag will "A" your ass quicker than I'll eat my own hands off from excitement at a buffet, but so glad Mona is shopping at the leather daddy bar downtown.
SIDE NOTE: Riddle me this, Mona? How-to can Spencer be on the train downtown if she's clearly at her car in the mysteriously perfect parking spot that never exists in real life?
----- Best line of the night goes to Mona who (not that I buy it) has just been broken up with by the hottest guy in town, Noel Kahn. "...I bought like five cashmere blend sweater sets. Have you seen me in a sweater set? No, because I don't wear sweater sets, or blends... I think he broke me". Thanks, Mona... not only did you make my night and bring the fabulous in your grief, but you also proved my theory about the size of Noel Kahn's nethers.
----- Hanna's pain is so subtle, especially with the shitty off-brand Coldplay track and pouring rain/lightening outside the window she's sitting next to like an idiot. Nice cell phone skin though, and by "nice" I mean "hideous". Also, you've got bigger problems than a broken latch, Hanna... someone (probs Gay Lucas) dragged some serious dog shit prints in ya' crib.
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| Bish, don't try me... I will eat you out. |
----- "Whatever it is, whenever you're ready tell me." One half second later. "I hooked up with somebody". Damn, I know lesbians move fast but that's like premature ejaculation... oh wait it was a dude... girl ya cooch be lez-tainted now.
----- As much as I hate this Holden guy, he's not an idiot and is on to the Mr. Fitz shit, and he's got shit to keep from his parents too that a fake-lationship with Aria will fix. One, even a fake relationship with Aria is too horrible to bare... and Two, he gay y'all.
----- Damn, Gay Lucas, you look like shit. You need a brush, a shower, a hot oil treatment, and my ween in your face STAT!
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| It's Botox time ladies, get it while it's hot. Where'd I go? |
----- Ok let me set these Hobags straight. If Gay Lucas was just like, listen I blah blah blah instead of being all creepy, then Hanna wouldn't have to sleuth call KeanuCaleb down stairs which I must say was pretty clever. Also, how did they get from the hall to the upstairs all quiet like without Hanna being like, "Mom, Lucas is here and he'z got all kindsa crazy on his face?"
Also part 2, speaking of cougarMom... can't bitch hear her daughter from down the hall? And finally, who the hell is KeanuCaleb trynna fool, there's no way anyone in a stupid beanie hat like his can pass as a hero or whatever he thinks he is by running up them stairs.
----- I know I've joked before, but I literally have to say it now... this show is fuqing retarded. All this drama and pretend bullshit because Gay Lucas has a gambling problem? Please, bitch... my eyes are permanantly stuck in the rolling position. Someone better die soon before I kill myself. Also, again. WHERE THE FUQ IS HANNA'S MOM DURING ALL THIS?
----- Exposition, blah blah... ooh brilliance over chinese food when Hanna asks if they ordered dumplings and then goes on with "...If I don't eat something my head is going to explode".... girl I can reLATE! But mark my lard-soaked words, if "A" somehow tainted with they fortune cookies/food with hidden messages or whatever, I might slit my wrists.
UPDATE: Last night a 4000 pound man named Adrian Grenadine was found dead of an apparent suicide, his wrists were slit open and a note in blood read: "Give me a fuqing break, PLL... -A".
TAG: "A" can use tools to loosen stuff in order to make no sense whatsoever. Classic PLL.
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| Oh lord, even if the pic is fake, it all makes sense now. |
See you next week (blind joke),
Eye-roll-Drian Grenadine.
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