Nerd Alert! The 90's Are Back Like Crabs

Bitches represent!

     Hey tit mongers... today's a weird day and I'm not up to my usual sass, so unless it's attached to you and looks like a ween, don't hold that against me.  Lots of video links in this week's Nerd Alert, so I hope you're someplace (like a Gynecologist's Office) that you can have a look around without things getting too messy.  So please-to glove up, assume the position, and prepare for me to stick these suggestions of the top 5 food groups of awesome into your gaping eye-ear-brain parts...

Project Runway Redux - Bow Wow WOW!

We're baaaack!  Miss us?  Now hand over your soul.

     Project Runway was back in all it's gloryhole last week, and boy did I miss it... but the reduxii aren't here until now because, 1: I wanted to enjoy that shit instead of taking notes, and 2: there were too many bitches to talk shit about and I wanted to wait until 5 of them were sent packing before I wasted anyone's (namely my) time.
     But now we're going full force rape-dick style into the season, and I'm bringing you more episode accessories than the entire Piperlime wall of hideo.  But enough gabbing from me, let's get to the faboosh, the "fuq no she didn't send that down the runway", and the (duh) fashions... but be warned, there be spoilers about who won, and who went home this week (at the end of the post in the SPOILER ZONE), so don't say I didn't warn you like that one time you tried to leave the house in socks and sandals with a fanny pack, if you read something you didn't want to know...

Random Bless: "Stray Voiced Doods"

...Needs a little less ho, and a LOT less mo.

     Oh man does I luz this new "Random Bless" feature.  Nearly every day I peep something worth slash in need of some laying of these sausagey "bless you chyyyyld" hands of mine... but this edition, you don't need eyes to peep these needers of bless (see [no pun] blind joke caption inside for proof... too soon?) you only need your ears and half a clue.  But what-to could I be blessing with all the power of the naturally occurring Vagisil that poureth through my veins?  Click on that "read more" to find out, and help me bless deez chillens...

Shambletta Stone: Terms to Know

Dude, my dick is bigger than ur torso.  And?  At least I'm tall.

     Like a baby dick you can't stop looking at that just wets your appetite for more deep penny, I'm introducing a series of recurring (like herpes, get it?) yet rando mini-posts from now on that will keep you informed and on your hands and knees long enough to satisfy them carnal desires until the next full-post comes along (all over your face).  So to start it all off, it's time you learned the vocab we use.  But honestly, if you don't know it by now, not only should you be shot but you should make flash cards too cuz the Shamcabulary is only gonna keep growing like a pedo dick at Chuck E Cheese..  Now jump up in this shit Stay Tuned style to peep this first edition Shambletta Stone...

Gross Yuck Cool: Doo Doo Brush

Do. Not. Want!  Guuurl, yuh broff smell like shit!

     Been a hot breathed minute since our last Gross Yuck Cool, but it was well worth the wait cuz you bitches are in for a turd sized treat as this one is anything but shitty.  Ever wondered why that hot little brunette number in your "Yoga for Fatasses" class always has cat-butt breath?  Wanna know why that lezbo in the "All You Can Eat" section of your local Red Lobster has spots all over her teeth?  Yeah, neither do I.  But please-to read on to see what joyous GYC discovery we're in for this time... just make sure you keep the lid closed when you let this shit go down your brain-parts...

PLL Redux: Makin' Jokes With Hefty Hanna

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AngryBitter & Jelly: Holier Than Thou Edition

Worship the camel toe, Bitches!

     Who (other than your bleached asshole or afrofied vageyenuh) likes douchebags?  Yeah me neither.  Which is why this edition of ABJ is so apropos.  This time my sammy of ABJ is full of shits and hoes that really get under my loosely assembled varicose covered skin.  So roll up those sleeves and find a grease-filled vein, cuz I'm 'boutta inject some ABJ truth into your ever widening mind-parts after the jump...

Is That A Thing? -- Horse Hung-Up Doodz

AIR!  That's right, Sonora. Air.  Now try to guess what this is.  RAPE!

      Hey diknommers and coochsamplers, bringing out the horse hung big guns this time for another edition of "Is That A Thing?".  This ITAT was brought to my attention by a coworker a week or so ago, and ever sense then I can't stop rolling my eyes at thez doods.  So get out your filing cabinets and prepare to add to the "Gay Hipster Dad" section, cuz we be discussin' a topic this week that's borderline homosexshul, borderline shortbus, and all kindsa making me say "nay" when asked if I'm down with this rainbow colored Mr. Ed bullshit.  So take the jump over the fence with me horse-jumping style and let's hope, unlike Senora Webster in Wild Hearts Can't Be Broken, that we (SPOILER) don't go blind from the task at hand...

Holy Hot Messes! - Floppin' Dem Fart Windows

Wasted, party of 1?  Is me!  Now Gimme dem shots'uh bacon grease!

      Who's ready for some steaming hot shitpiles of mess?  Please, only one at a time, a guy's bacon-wrapped heart can only take so many things at once.  This edition, I'm talking 'bout things that you might think I know nothing about (working out, stairs, actually getting off my ass to do something other than refill my Diet Dr. Pepper gallon jug), but trust Hobags and Slutnuggetz... I'm one cultured 7000 pound bitch.  So take the "click on keep reading" journey with me and see what Person, Place, and Thing takes the royal hot mess crown this week, but save me a spot inside...

True Blood Redux: Oh My Goddess, Y'allz Fuqed

Baby I was born this way.

       Like a gay in the club when a GaGa song comes on, there was some mad body possession going on this week on TB.  Oh, and in case you didn't know based on everyone saying it every five minutes... it was a full moon this week on TB too. (Awesome Name/Person Alert!) Raelle Tucker wrote this one, and bitch has mad skills as it was the best of the season for sure: zingers, pubes-ass-&-tittays, no Portia and minuscule Bill... Bless Ms. Tucker for her gifts of blessed be (and for writing me back that one time on Facebook, mad props RT, for reelz).  But enough about me and my wonderful satty fat filled life, what else went down like Tara on her girlfriend this week in Bon Temps?...