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| Hey, Thunder Thighs... Choosy Noms choose Jif |
Like sands through the hourglass, these are the shambles of my life. This week I'm adding extra AngryBitter to my sammy of bitchery because the week's offenders are my absolute least favorite. Also, I'm more bitter than usual as I ran out of Trader Joe's sweet tea, and we all know what I look like when my noms run low. Those shambles aside, I'm sure after taking the jump you'll agree with me that these people need to be stopped! Who am I whining about now, and who poured on the Jelly this week? Keep reading to find out...
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| Dude, seriously...Your breath smells like shit |
ANGRY:
Inconsiderate Idiots. Yes, yes, who am I to judge which blessed individuals fall into this category? Maybe it's my festering southern roots that make me so angry when these offenders rudely attack, but seriously, when they do I want to pull a Mel Gibson--Then blame it on "exhaustion" Lohan style to get away with it cuz these people NEED to be put in their place... but let me explain further before you take sides.
Like gays in duh club when a Gaga song comes on, swarms of inconsideros always seem to emerge from whence they came to feed on my replenishing lifesblood the moment I'm released into the universe. Seriously, it's like the Walking Dead and I'm that unfortunate horse from the pilot.
Shamble me this, why is it that no matter how many lanes there are, I always seem to pull up behind the one person who didn't know the obvious? Get your ticket out to give to the attendant before you leave the structure, Moronica. What was it that made you think burying your stub within the depths of hell known as your car was a good idea?
Why oh why, Pedestrians when there's ample place for you to venture, do you roadblock me and walk into an empty parking spot? You clearly see me heading for it... and don't you dare look at me like I'm the idiot. Pedestrians might have the right of way, but the right of way isn't gonna keep your face from meeting my sweet ride (42 sec mark is gold) if you're too busy chatting on your cell to realize I'mma comin'.
And drivers, the only reason you need to be on your phone while you're driving is to text about last week's PLL or check out the latest Shamblette's blog entry. (I've got a page view counter on here, we all know you're not doing the latter, ok?). Other than that you should be off facebook and paying attention to the road... because like that unassuming pedo, my two-hubcap-missing, dent in the back, 237,000 miles on it '95 Corolla will run you down (Big Blue don't play, ho-bags. RESPECT!).
So long rable short, let's try and think a bit here, people. Because unlike me and the Shamblettes, you aren't the center of the universe... other people exist too, and a little common sense will go a long way... plus it'll keep me from killing you. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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| Repent, baby... and take ALL that Communion |
BITTER:
Let's get this over with, it's a fat day and I'm getting more bitter by the shambled second. This week I'm super bitter about people who are hotter than me (ergo... Everyone). More specifically...
- Straight-dudes: (cuz they won't sex me)
- *** Hot gay-dudes: (cuz they won't sex me)
- Hot chicks: (cuz straight dudes WILL sex them)
- Ugly chicks: (cuz with enough drinks, hot dudes will sex them too)
- Doctors: (cuz I try but never get more than "turn your head and cough")
- Famous people: (cuz everyone wants to sex them)
- Teachers: (cuz hot teens fantasize about sexing them and not me)
- Coaches: (cuz teens fantasize about sexing them and not me)
- Hot parents: (cuz their kids' friends/other parents sex them instead of me)
- Priests/Preachers: (because you go to Hell if you seduce them, but we all know that whole "humble thing" goes out the stained glass window when the legs approach the ears)
*** See "Jelly" below
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| I'm pretending this is a burrito so as not to eat your douchey face |
JELLY:
Man oh man am I super Jelly (and a little AngryBitter) of Gymrat Douchebags. These dicks and dickettes have every right to be confident that they don't have bodies like the rest of the masses. Yes, it's great that every time you fart you grow another ab, but people like me gain ten pounds every time someone two tables down eats a cheeseburger so don't rub it in with your smug face.
Kudos to you for spending 35 hours a day in the gym to look like you do, but the rest of us spend just as long at the drivethru to look like WE do and you don't see us smiling about it with superiority like you when we work out. I'm so Jell that you and your bulge can wear those ridiculously low-cut tank tops that display your side abs (for real shown here) and not (as would be in my case) side boob.
So happy that you and everyone around you looks like an Abercrombie douche, but more often than not you're face doesn't match the rest. It's like a Mercedes with a dent in the front, yes the body is nice but the grill is all busted... yet you're still so much more confident than the rest of us who are pretty heads with loose flesh below the neck (wurk it boo).
It's not fair, and you know that... so you skanks get your pounds of tang and ween, then keep on doing your thing... which ironically ISN'T working out. 9 times out of 10 when I'm at the gym avoiding Simbajaws, Mr Schue, and Dakota Fanning (my arm looks like a turkey leg), you're chatting up some beef-jerky-skinned chick with camel toe who belongs to your posse'... but you're not working out. It's a great mystery to me how you do that.
I try to get a better view as I clomp clomp away on the treadmill, but since my bacon flavored heart can only take so much, it tends to focus more on trying to keep running while also keeping that fart inside (that only seems to afflict me) while jogging than wondering how you lose weight by simply existing. It's like mall walkers, they spend all their time at the mall but never come home with fashions because they're too busy being social with the other peeps in they E-tourage.
It isn't fair, and so I'm thricely angry, bitter, and super jelly of their wicked ways. Here's to hoping I can join the smug masses one day. Until then, this bud's for you.
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So there you have it, a supersized AngryBitter and Jelly (of Freddy) sammich. Hopefully next time I'll have a smaller portion so that I can move on from this week's atrocities. Only time will tell, but I fear that this segment (like Jaws or my middle fat roll) will never die. Jump down to the comments if you can relate to any of the above, something tells me we all can.
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