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| Hot mess alert, S |
So by now I hope you sluts have seen last night's True Blood premiere. If not: A) why the hell didn't you do your homework? and B) Spoilerish shizz from last night be discussed here, so don't come bitchin' if you read something you didn't know. I warned you twice now to get your watch on, so that sock puppet def don't fit if you're blaming me for your issues. Now, with that outta the way let's get into the dirty nethers of the premiere...
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| Wake up, you lazy Bitch... better yet don't |
Oh please-to where do I begin? I'm not gonna recap the episode because that's what other sites are for and frankly (with the exception of the fanatics) you don't need me to rape every detail or sex face made within the hour to try and get some deeper meaning behind it. Instead, I'm here in all my wisdom to point out some truth that you may have glossed over when all the shizz was going down.
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----- SNOOKIE, ERIC, & BILL -----
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| Hey Eric, you've got some gay on your face |
Well where do I begin? Sookie is still useless and needs to go away forever, but at least this time she had some Power Rangers sized effects and shitty acting from Mr Brady to keep her company for 8 or so minutes while temporarily gone. Seriously, Alan Ball and company, I worship the ground you walk and shit on but the best thing about Fairy Troll Land was the Lumiere Fruit, and that's only because anytime there's food on screen us Shamblettes get giddy with delight like Bill every time he gets to play boring. Oh, and I know this makes me a traitor to my people, but hotel dude Barry's fairy god mother, Lloyd (outfit aside) looked more delicious than said fruit. If I was trapped for all eternity on that lame set for minutes/years of my life, I'd at least be grateful to have those abs to nom on.
Bill was still (see above) but at least he got a haircut over the year-gap since last season. I'd love to say he's a lot more interesting now that he's in a new position of power, but alas that'd be a bigger lie than admitting I look good in skinny jeans... some things just aren't ever gonna happen and we need to accept them. Honestly, I can't remember a single thing Bill did this episode besides blah on about love or whatever, so let's just leave it at that and save us all some precious moments.
Eric still looks like he hasn't slept in 45 years and thankfully were spared another one of those God-awful Godrick flashbacks... so all in all I kept my Quinoa and pizza ice cream down for the entire 58 minute episode. Now I know all the fat chicks and powergays will send rotten chocolates and dead flowers to my door for saying that, so we'd best move on to characters I loooove on this show that don't need a love triangle as their sole purpose in life to be relevant. So here come the ladies in wait, or "Birds" as you Brits say (eye roll)...
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----- PAM, NAN, ARLENE, KENYA, HOLLY, TARA -----
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| Side pony bonus: Ferocia you are goddess |
Pam rocked her hot-mess trumping, old-face deleting, badass self as usual this week. Her fashions were less drastic than the one pictured above (that I still can't find in the plus sized section at Wal-Mart), but like the True Blood writers, I shant let one horrible disaster deter me from achieving overall greatness. Cereally, I'm glad Pam still doesn't give a shit about anything but Eric and her pumps, yet manages to speak mad truth to those fellow hotties-in-need like Jessica who need it most... she's a role model to gays and bitches everywhere, and I tip my middle-roll to her for it.
Nan is a series regular this year, so I expect we'll be seeing more of her "Live with Regis and Kelly" self as we saw her tonight. Good choice, Alan Ball and friends, the results are in and we have data proving you aren't dumber than we think. Nan rocks our two toned socks off and we hope she can teach Tara a thing or two about nomming on vaggie patties down the road, but let's not jump ahead of ourselves.
Arlene is still racist, and she still thinks she had a devil baby. Ten points to the "red head" married to Ben from LOST if she straight up kills the baby this season. I'd definitely respect her more than the customers of Merlotte's if she did, cuz she ain't gettin' no chile support from beyond the grave for that little bastard. Although "Terriers" was cancelled so who knows, dude might've been avail to come back from the grave.
Last season, Kenya fought like Tara in the ring for some screen time. She wasn't in this ep so we're hoping there hasn't been a change of heart. In a perfect world, once the bodies start piling up and/or Andy meths out I'm sure/hope she'll be around.
Holly was in this ep. And her witchy ass is really becoming a favorite of mine. She hasn't really had much to do yet since she debuted last season, but I'm guessing since she's Lady Mumbleade's main bitch slash isn't reporting to Bill like that hot librarian hoe in the coven, she'll get more to do that resurrect birds as time goes on if/when Arlene needs help killin' that chillin again later in the season.
Lastly, Tara is literally kicking ass as a Lezbo cage fighter named "Toni". I wish that last sentence was just a sassy retort but it's not, it's the truth. Although I buy the ass kickin' for a living and switch to poon for our tormented hobag based on all the ish in her past, I don't know yet how I feel about this story, it's too soon to tell... but might I say I'm lovin' the new doo, "Toni". You and Ferocia could seriously teach your cousin a thing or two about hairz.
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----- LAFEYETTE, JESUS -----
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| Don't look at me, I don't know why you're still here either |
Speaking of which... Mo hawk, more like no hawk. Sorry Laf but that is not a good look for you. I surriously hope Nelsan Ellis wasn't the evil force behind that hair-don't decision. Do rags look ten times better on your dome than FUBU picked pubes, Lafy. Speaking of which, Jesus is still training at the Bill Compton school of annoying acting, home boy needs to pull a "every show he's ever been on" and just die already. But I'm guessing that may come later when it gets all "The Craft" up in Bon Temps. One can dream.
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----- JASON, ANDY, PORTIA -----
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| I said "pay attention", Bellefleur... not "gay chicken" |
Jason, you're hot and all, even when you look like shit, but the chin pubes (like that whole Deliverance town you're taking care of) needs to go. Jethro and friends are gonna eat your face off, and for everyone's sake I hope they take the goatee with it. It is refreshing however to see you be the responsible one for once. It's cool to see the tables turned and Andy be the one with a drug prollem. This Gomer Pile thing you and Andy have going for you is really working for me, and I can't wait to see where it goes.
On the other hand however, I don't like Andy's sister. This bitch urked me when she was on Dexter last season, and she urks me even more when you consider she's married to and gets to bone Brandon Routh in real life even though she looks like a catfish. But that's all I'm gonna say on that, this isn't AngryBitter and Jelly.
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----- TOMMY, SAM, TERRY -----
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| "You don't have to lift your shirt to pee, Tommy". Oh, we're peeing? |
We come now to the titty triplets as I like to call them. Tommy is all born again psycho Matthew Mcconaughey from the Return of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre with that gimp leg, but he seems to enjoy the mothering he gets from Mrs. Butterfatts Fortenberry. I'm sure this is gonna end well.
Sam looks more and more like a real dog as the show goes on, and those gray hairs aren't helping... but I'd be more than obliged to hit that doggy style if he wanted (I'd even let him smell me afterward). He was pretty useless this episode except for his little hobag convention of shape-shifters. I can only hope these folks are more interesting as the season goes on, because if not it's just gonna become zoo time with the krunkshifters, and that's pretty blah... but I'm sure there's more to it than sippin' on wines and running through the land like my little ponies.
Finally, Terry is still charming and wise all while not realizing that's what he is... like me recommending toppings at Pinkberry.
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----- HOYT, JESSICA, HOTTIE -----
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| Flannel is so in, Pam. Don't you watch Tool Time? |
Lastly we come to these 2 (and a half). I realize now that there are a ton of characters on this show and I hope there's a Maryanne sized orgy of death that wipes a lot of them out (but not the cool one's like last year with Franklin and Talbot, Mr Ball... kthanks).
Jessica is still hot as hell and coming in to her own, thanks to none other than Queen Ferocia herself. Hoyt is still adorable but less so now that hottie has come into the picture. Like QF so eloquently put it about "that tree in flannel", why would J-Ham want him when there's a smokin' hot fang banger out there to make constipated 16 yr old sex eyes at? I mean, true love and watery eggs are cute and all, but that boy had the skillz to pay the billz, Jessica. For realz, his neck vein wasn't the only thing throbbing in that scene, home boy woulda probs let you feed off his vein burrito if you wanted... I know I did.
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So that's that. The episode started off cheesier than an unwashed dick, but once that inevitable twist came we got a reboot in Bon Temps that was much needed. The jump didn't seem hokey, and the places the people were in their lives after said jump made sense based on who these people are. I might sound negative in my review, but overall this looks like it could be an interesting season... or it could be a huge train wreck (bangs, Maryanne seriously). But like the 12.5 months we've lost in Bon Temps, only time will tell what we're yet to discover... and I'll gladly go along for the ride as I trust the writers ten times more than Lafayette's hair stylist.
Til next week hobags...
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