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| U gonna finish those grapes, Emily? Shut up, bitch I'm smoldering |
I'm back, Bitches. "A" here to let you know what was in my head while watching this week's Pretty Little Liars. Sadly, Simbajaws is still on screen, while Mona was not... but at least Spencer had on an outfit that didn't make me gag. Those two travesties and a blessing aside however, this week's ep was better (if not equally ridiculous) than last week. Hanna's quips alone were worth two bacon cheeseburgers of praise and a tampon up the nose. So, like Emily and her Speedo wedgie into the pool of fake scholarship dreams, let's jump inside this crotch to see what we can pick apart this week...
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| "If I'm not in next week's ep I will put dressing on this and eat it! |
Simmer down, bitches. This week, in an attempt to help organize my crazy, I'm separating my scathing comments by act... because we all need a breather from time to time... even those of us that live in the ocean Toby. So here goes...
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Why do these lying bitches always talk in the movie theater? This time they literally were just laying down dialogue like it ain't no thang. And how come every time they're there, one of them has a mucho grando sized popcorn that goes unfinished (Color me Angrybitter and jelly about that one).
Also, what time zone is Rosewood stuck in? All of the movies that play in the ONLY THEATER IN THE WORLD WITHOUT STADIUM SEATING are old-ass silent films that came out when they were still called "pictures" and for a quarter you could see the bearded lady behind the curtain fart in crab boy's pinchers.
I get it, they're there to have a secret meeting, not for the movie... but knowing my life, I'd be the loner in the back row rocking the hoody who actually paid to see this piece of crap with my smorgasborg of snacks... and these hoes would be talking about dead guys and incest murder while my ass is trying to read the subtitles since the movie has no sound.
I mean cereally, if Rosewood can spring for a stupid carnival and school dances that end in attempted murder, they can at least drop some coin to show somethign ferosh like Scream 4 or (at worst) that damn peace of crap Beastly they keep showing commercials for (now on blu ray!!). Bonus points to cindarella-in-training Hefty Hanna for actually nomming on the superlarge popcorn and pretending to pay attention to the film while the loss of her other shoe leads to the death of her and her faboosh friends at the hands of that extremely pointless source of side-eye inducing tension.
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| You're not waking up from this one, Spencer (shambles) |
Blech, that whole theater thing was all just a nightmare (of course it was, but we viewers can't wake up from it like Spencer). Guess she's going cray-loco, or the writers just needed to kill five minutes slash get their money's worth of that movie theater set.
Where do they find the actors on this show? I'm serious, I play a drinking game everytime the credits roll at the top of an episode. If a name sounds like it's a Canadian-cylon-pornstar I take a shot.... after " Sasha Pieterse, Tammin Sursok, Roark Critchlow, and Paloma Guzman I'm already wasted, and there's still Nia Peeples and all the producers to get through.
Triple bathroom dump exit... guess girls do it too. And if by "scouts" you mean lesboz, Spencer then yeah, other "scouts" will want Emily eventually. Also what the hell is that sparkly string in your hair, Aria? You look about half a wing away from becoming the black swan. Lastly, why are 46 year olds using the girls' room? That extra was waaay too old to be in the ladies'... she must come from the Maya school of casting, where a 32 year old with a bad weave can play 16.
Again, Joaquin Phoenix's dirtier cousin TOBY = worst actor ever!!! And why are all the extras looking into the camera?
Ugh... your stupid, probably-from-Urban Outfitters shirt speaks the truth, gay Lucas... I heart apple pie too.
Reality check, Aria... Your "college" student ID should be a mugshot because you're 16 and you still have 2 more years of high school. Oh shiz... Fitz' ex boo parts is gonna blow up your freaky stat-rape spot gurl, she seen y'all playing vaccum face from the random grassy knoll of mouth-moving but not-speaking extras.
Now I know there are more than 5 people in this town... so really folks, what the hell are the odds of the "I wish Toby and I were the blind/hideous version of Demi and Swayze in Ghost" Jenna being in Aria's same made-up-for-the-sake-of-giving-Fitz-screentime art class?
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| You sell these online? "Yep, Mr Fitz paid double for the ones of me and Noel Kahn" |
New Jason is seriously gunning for Toby's "worst actor ever" crown. He couldn't act his way out of mangy buttcrack if it was held up against his well bone-structured face.
Did the boys run a train on you, Flashback Alison? And why are we looking at your stupid bad-acting-reflection when there's food on the table behind you?
I love how Spencer remembers very important information in flashback form only now, in the second season, when it's convenient to the story. At least she's consistent with last season... If this were my life I'd probably remember five years from now (while sewing on my fake arm) that reaching into Simbajaws' mouth to try and steal the cookie he ate and kill him fist-choke-style is the reason my arm got bitten off.
OMG, Gay Lucas I totally know Danielle Something too. We had a three-night-stand, but her name wasn't Danielle then... it was Noel Kahn.
I don't sleep well when I'm alone either, Spencer. That's why there's always chicken strips and french fries under my pillow.
Spencer, if you're any indication of what Melissa remembers, then she won't recall that tale of jump-rope-slapping bitchery until it, like preggo sis' stupid face, is convenient to the plot.
Nice robe, Ezra, is that from the Martha Stewart stuffed dead-grampa collection?
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| It's got Lion King, Jaws, and 45 lullabies that kill whoever plays them |
"Spencer, don't touch that coconut water, it's mine!" I like Melissa more now, anyone who tells people not to touch their food is awesome in my book, especially if the person they're telling is making toast at the time... carbotastic
Hanna's dad is kinda built... daddy complex surfacing in 3...2...1...years ago
"What is that?" um, Aria sweets... those of us who aren't 16 call it a letter... I believe you and the rest of the minions born in the mid to late 90's now call them emails.
Simbajaws, not even those dieselfied muscles can make you act/look better... MAYBE if you and New Jason started throwing bones in/at eachother you'd be less hideous... but not by much because seeing your sure-to-be-marrowless-bone trumps what joy is had by seeing New Jason's.
Cut yourself, Jason? It's not polite to admit you're a cutter, especially one who uses what looks like maxi pads to wipe up the blood. Ten bucks says he's not harboring Ian in his crib, it's probably a dog refuge since he loves throwing shit at them as was witnessed in last week's ep.
Danielle Something has terrible bangs. I hate her already.
What kind of teenager needs 2000 bucks til Monday, Pawn Shop guy? Unless every restaurant in Rosewood is an all you can eat buffet, I'd have no need for that much dough on such a short basis.
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| Trust, Bitch... Swimfan ain't got nothin' on this trashy "A" dyke |
"People change, they grow", FALSE Hannah repeating her mom... what's true is that you need to change your hooker eyeliner, so that Gay Lucas' pretending-to-be-straight-boner can grow.
Of course the truck Simbajaws wanted was a ghetto ass low rider... a hideous auto to go with a hideous person. At least Spencer is on team Adrian though and wants SJ to get the that job that's the hell outta Rosewood so we don't have to look at him anymore.
Hey Mrs Hanna's Dad's new Beyonce, first rule of PLL club: never text what you feel unless you're name is "A" and the message ends with "Bitches", or that message is sooo not gonna get delivered.
Why is Jenna such a needy bitch? She's clearly not useless like her step brother, why is she making "Anita" set up her spook lighting situation slash when did PLL become True Blood season 4?
Ew, Em... don't throw all that trash on your bed -- there's like booger tissues and rusty tamps in there... oh wait no that's New Jason's "I cut myself" trash, my bad.
Once again like last season, you bitches are terrible at hiding in the bushes Scooby Doo style. Even Jenna's blind ass could probably see your well coiffed selves while you scooped former British boo and Melissa's secret (prenatal vitamin exchange?) in the fog of New Jason's existence which, by the way, seems to span a half mile radius around the house that (only last season) had not a single "spooky" feature that it does this year.
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| Asian Extra and White Polo agree... until Red Notebook starts stripping, my PLL boner is getting softer |
I hate to admit it, Bitches but as much as I love PLL, this season seems to be filling (like New Jason's trash) with red herring juice. True, "A" made a bold ass appearance in Emily's house (yeah, won't even try to explain how that one happened), but I wonder if the "A" text plan went over last year and she's laying lowish this season.
I know we're only three eps in, but I kinda miss the old terror-bitch-text of the week system I grew so accustomed to last year. I realize they're trying to keep things fresh, and I applaud that, but perhaps a little bit less "Melissa, New Jason, and maybe-not-dead-Ian are trying to eat our faces", and a little more "glamping, hideous fashion, and Hefty Hanna eating piggy cupcakes" will fix these Shambles. At least back then it felt like I was cool enough to be doing what the girls where doing on screen, right now I'm just wondering how many more plot holes their gonna carve into the road just to keep storylines/terrible robe-wearing-pedos around that (like Alison) died last year but can't seem to stay buried.
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