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| I have that same shirt in fat |
It's that time again already, hobags... it seemed like only yesterday we were starting and now we're on our third week of things that make the yeast in my AngryBitter and Jelly sammich rise. Since Summer is upon us, this week's sammy of hatred follows a hot theme. So read on to see what it is that's urking me this week and please-to leave some shambles in the comments section if you can relate...
ANGRY: Ugly people that are hotter than me.
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| "Don't hate me cuz I'm beautiful". I don't, it's cuz you're ugliful |
Blerg, if there's anything that makes me angrier than when the noms run low, it's this week's anger offender. I'm not an actor nor do I try to be, but I'm cereal... I can't STAND ugly people that are hotter than me. It's soooo not fair, and here's why.
Ugly people are supposed to be (obviously) ugly, but these people's androgynous "face/hair/everything" makes them more interesting in Hollywood than the old fashioned hag or lurch. I'm mad pissed because these peeps are both hotter than all the hideos out there, yet original looking enough to still chill with the hotties. Don't get me wrong, just being famous in itself doesn't make you hotter-- playing a vampire does... but we all know the truth that you're just an ugz British troll with Medusa hair looking to harvest Sookie and the rest of the fairies under all that fame.
I don't get it, and maybe I never will. Perhaps it's a confidence thing, and a not-eating-everything-nailed-down thing... but if that were true, Drew Carrey and Kevin James wouldn't be famous. If being strangely ugly doesn't somehow make you a commodity in Hollywood, then how do you explain Alan Cummings, Jayma Mays, Iggy pop, Judy Greer, Jewsie Eisenberg and Chris Colfer? Don't get me wrong, some of these people have talent, and most had to start out playing the "quirky best friend" or are "funny", but I'm funny too and you don't see me bitching about it (oh wait).
I have a theory that being normal is as hated as carbs in Hollywood. In a town where diversity is a commodity and everyone either looks like a supermodel or thinks they look like a supermodel, looking like Joe Schmo (while being anything but beneath the acne and middle rolls) isn't gonna set you apart.
It's not my fault that I'm just a white guy anymore than it's yours that you're wearing size ten Uggz on your face... but we've all got Shambles, which is why this blog exists. So this ordinary-ish looking white guy is gonna keep slaving away for pennies while all the weirdos are out getting laid and raking in millions for just being hideous... it might make me angry and it might not be fair... but at least my face doesn't make children turn to stone.
It's not my fault that I'm just a white guy anymore than it's yours that you're wearing size ten Uggz on your face... but we've all got Shambles, which is why this blog exists. So this ordinary-ish looking white guy is gonna keep slaving away for pennies while all the weirdos are out getting laid and raking in millions for just being hideous... it might make me angry and it might not be fair... but at least my face doesn't make children turn to stone.
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BITTER: Hot pedestrians
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| Doogie does it doggy style, and I kill innocent chilrenz |
Let's start with the facts. First of all, Doogie's shirtless boo-parts pictured above needs a poop purse stat, and secondly... Pedestrians are terrible beings and need to be mowed down by Jerri Blank and the other horrible drivers without the time or patience for their shenanigans. Adding insult to injury however, are Hot Pedestrians... cuz these bitches make me more bitter than a puckered a-hole covered in grapefruit juice.
It's not just that they're way hot yet out of reach of my loins that makes me bitter, it's the death and destruction their beauty causes that makes me so sour. It's all your fault that I crashed into the telephone pole, hot shirtless runner... I was scoping your bodice and didn't see it coming cuz I was imagining the goods below your spandex. I blame you too, random-hot-celeb-walking-your-dog-in-shorts-and-a-tank-top for my rear-ending that minivan, because it shoulda been you I rear ended, dammit! Of course, with my usual luck, Gene Simmons, Tom Arnold, and John Goodman would decide to go for a shirtless run while I'm on my way to Wendy's, but ohhhh no, the one time my shambles decide to disappear it's when I'm driving and can't enjoy it (shambles return).
Listen, at the end of the day I can't control my libido-driven wandering eye anymore than these hotties can control their hotness... but when you're on the side of the road post impact, you can't tell the hot cops arresting you it was Jake Gyllenhaal's fault that mailbox came outta nowhere... because I guarantee you he's heard that one before. So while Jake and the other hotties walk off into the sunset sipping lattes while gently backlit, I'm stuck with rising insurance rates and no awesome sex story to make it all seem worth it... therefore I'm bitter as hell, and will be eating another piece of bacon in remembrance of my random yet deceptive luck.
Listen, at the end of the day I can't control my libido-driven wandering eye anymore than these hotties can control their hotness... but when you're on the side of the road post impact, you can't tell the hot cops arresting you it was Jake Gyllenhaal's fault that mailbox came outta nowhere... because I guarantee you he's heard that one before. So while Jake and the other hotties walk off into the sunset sipping lattes while gently backlit, I'm stuck with rising insurance rates and no awesome sex story to make it all seem worth it... therefore I'm bitter as hell, and will be eating another piece of bacon in remembrance of my random yet deceptive luck.
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JELLY: Hipster magic
Let's get something straight, I am NOT jelly of hipsters, their androgynous faces and strange sexual idnetities are not things to be desired. No no, kind Shamblers and Shamblettes, what makes me Jelly of hipsters is their hipster magic, or how they can combine every outfit they own and kinda sorta pull it off as a hot fashion. Little shambled me can't even pull off jeans and a belt, but "Jasper" and "Chrysalis" have the keen fashion sense to make used floss and log cabin carpet look ferosh.
Now I know that we can't all be emo-hipster kids with iphone shots of us posing in front of the mirror... but we can try. Yet some of us can't try hard enough because it's just not meant to be... Sadly I am one of these people. So what if I can't pull off six haircuts at once? Who cares if I conform to social norms like smiling and taking a shower (from time to time)? Well I do, and that's why I'm jelly of Hipster's and their stupid ability to make even the worst fashions on them, look as normal as jeans and a tee on the rest of the world.
Bonus jelly: some of them, no matter how ridiculous they look and smell, no matter how I envy them so for their thin frames, ability to grow a beard, and greasy asian hair... are still strangely sexy to me in a Jeffery Dahmer SILOBS kinda way. Many times when I come across one I realize that I wouldn't kick it outta bed... cerealously I wouldn't.
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So that's that... As usual, I'm still not full, but that AngryBitter and Jelly sammy of steamy creamy delight will serve as a nice pre-snack snack to hopefully hold us until next time... or at least until the next post goes live.
JELLY: Hipster magic
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| "If I wasn't so hungry I'd turn the sheets red with my art" |
Now I know that we can't all be emo-hipster kids with iphone shots of us posing in front of the mirror... but we can try. Yet some of us can't try hard enough because it's just not meant to be... Sadly I am one of these people. So what if I can't pull off six haircuts at once? Who cares if I conform to social norms like smiling and taking a shower (from time to time)? Well I do, and that's why I'm jelly of Hipster's and their stupid ability to make even the worst fashions on them, look as normal as jeans and a tee on the rest of the world.
Bonus jelly: some of them, no matter how ridiculous they look and smell, no matter how I envy them so for their thin frames, ability to grow a beard, and greasy asian hair... are still strangely sexy to me in a Jeffery Dahmer SILOBS kinda way. Many times when I come across one I realize that I wouldn't kick it outta bed... cerealously I wouldn't.
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So that's that... As usual, I'm still not full, but that AngryBitter and Jelly sammy of steamy creamy delight will serve as a nice pre-snack snack to hopefully hold us until next time... or at least until the next post goes live.
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