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| Hey Gurrls Hey |
As promised, it's here; "Gchats you wish you wrote". Basically I hang with pretty awesome people, so each week I'll share with the thousands that follow this blog a collection of proof that my fellow Shamblette's and I are a constant source of amusement. For this initial edition of "Gchats...", we discuss racism, whether having sex with your twin/watching twins have sex is hot or wrong, prison allegiances, a dabble more racism for flavor, and then consider if it's okay that your straight boyfriend has gay-face. Bonus discussion: What does Craigslist breed other than apartment listings? You know you want the answers, so click on to discover the much needed truth...
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| No seriously, these dudes are for real |
First up; Twin sex. After some shamble-ramble chatting (included are prison talk, racist comments galore, back door oral sex, and more racist comments), Shamblina and I discuss the pros and cons of twin sex while trying to keep our mind off of food for two seconds. WARNING: Viewer discretion is advised...
Adrian Grenadine: ugh i cant stop eating
Shamblina: fat ass
AG: its true
Shamblina: we need to go take one of [Shamblette's] spin classes. none of my pants fit anymore. She's starting to do teacher training at some other place soon. she is gonna be double jacked.
AG: gah michelle obama arms
Shamblina: she's got cleavage now... but its actually just chest muscles. HOT.
AG: mannish
Shamblina: still hot though
AG: yeah def. how's life?
Shamblina: Shambles, blah blah blah. didn't finish work last night till midnight. needs. nap. now.
AG: <---- wants. pizza. always.
Shamblina: want weeklong paid vacation
AG: want 52 week long vacation
Shamblina: that'd be nice.
lottery?
AG: prison
Shamblina: prison lottery
AG: deal
Shamblina: who would you side with in prison?
AG: Martha Stewart's already out, and the girls met bail, so the black guys prob.
you'd be a white supremecist
Shamblina: that's a given. skinheads are hot. and well... you know how i feel about blacks
AG: i was just thinking you'd use your tattoos to look more white trash so they didn't murder you
Shamblina: right. that's been the plan all along
AG: if i couldn't get it with the white-collar-hottie-daddy-types the only one's that would have me would be the blacks, the latinos are sketchy and asian people dont get arrested
Shamblina: asian people don't get arrested cause they all look alike. could you imagine doing a lineup and trying to figure out which one sold you the bad bootleg dvd?
AG: Ugh, I hate those Rush Hour movies.
Shamblina: i can picture you in prison. you'd grow your hair out real long and actually start going by the name Adrian Grenadine. You'd be sassy.
AG: man don't fuck with A-dro, if he doesn't get his 4th serving of mashed potatoes someone's gonna die tonight!
Shamblina: bitches keeping razor blades in their assholes. don't fuck with Greno.
AG: haha
Shamblina: id be the real weird smart guy with the pet rat.
AG: or scabies
Shamblina: a pet rat and scabies
AG: scrabies
that'd be the name of your rat
Shamblina: id use him to deliver drugs
and stds
Shamblina: all it takes is a craigslist ad. STD delivered.
AG: overnight express
Shamblina: overnight sex-press
AG: overnight sex-breast
Shamblina: weirdo
AG: i have major crazy person hair today
Shamblina: Ive been wearing a hat for the past 2 weeks. i think that means its time for a haircut
AG: or a shower
Shamblina: that too
but then id loose the scabies
AG: true, no use losing new friends
| 7 minutes |
AG: ritz crackers are terrible for you, 4.5 grams of fat in 5 of them
Shamblina: its cause they're bathed in butter
AG: good lord i never knew. I'm adding those to the boycott list right behind pop tarts and rim jobs
Shamblina: i love smores poptarts. they have like 600 calories for 2.
chocolate covered rim jobs... gross.
AG: you're right, chocolate IS gross
Shamblina: just the thought of giving a RJ covered in chocolate... it'd be way too confusing.
AG: that's like eating a cuchina covered in lox cream cheese... or sticking a straw in someone's pee hole and sucking.
Shamblina: That's nothing like that... BUT, unlike buttholes which don't actually taste like chocolate... i think tang would actually taste like loxcreamcheese.
AG: foul. But if a butthole tastes like anything it can't be good,
the options for what it could taste like are very limited
Shamblina: it SHOULDNT taste like anything. it should taste CLEAN.
AG: clean or not, there's still probs like gristle and air chunks lingering.
Shamblina: poop dick is forgivable. poop tongue--not so much.
AG: either are less than desirable
ugh that asshole just walked into our office to install the printer. he's giving me unwarranted side eye again!
Shamblina: isnt he asian? shouldnt he know how to work it?
AG: he's Korean, not the same thing
Shamblina: oh. he's not good at anything then
AG: he's great at being annoying and dressing like an olsen twin
Shamblina: i wish i was an olsen twin
AG: i wish i had a twin so we could switch places or get each other off and call it masturbating... wait that's incest.
Shamblina: twin fucking is so bizarrely hot
AG: i mean who else other than twins can say they literally know what it feels like to fuck themself over?
if you wanna know if you're good in bed just let your twin fuck you
Shamblina: go fuck yourself!
AG: haha. i mean i'm sure they use diff techniques based on their experience but still how terrible to be a twin and you're gay and your brother isn't and all the girls want him but none of the gays want you, or vice versa, or you wanna bone but your twin's like super straight and anti-incest. It's like seeing yourself betray yourself, like seeing you call you a faggot... or whatever.
Shamblina: thats complex. i think my head just exploded.
AG: i mean if your twin gay-bashes you, you're seeing yourself bashing you, that's kinda like how I imagine a crazy person lives.
Shamblina: twin rape... even hotter.
AG: dilemma, which is hotter. straight twin rapes gay one, or gay one rapes straight one?
Shamblina: straight rapes gay
AG: yeah. But on the other hand if you rape straight and he starts to like it, that's much more hot than a bottom betty taking it and pretending his brother isn't raping him.Shamblina: Point taken.
AG: Oh how bout this? What if you're both tops or both bottoms (since you're twins), how's that work?
Shamblina: Automatically versatile.
AG: Of course! Too bad this isn't a Jeopardy category or you'd def get the daily double.Shamblina: There's a sex-joke in there somewhere I know it. AG: haha.oooh wait one more pussability (see what I did there?)... What if you were identical twins except for like 0.01%, and that percent was in the dick, so you have like a huge-dick twin and a baby-dick twin because the huge one sucked the dick DNA from the little one? I think we need to do our research and find this pair.
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| So what IS the diff between Misc Romance and Casual Encounters? |
Next on the list of chats you're not cool enough to be a part of, are a brief discussion of gay face and Craigslist love. My homie-o Tok'shuss and I get to the heart of the issues while (of course) weaving in the obligatory Pretty Little Liars references where needed.
AG: those PLLs are sluts
Tok'shuss: i was looking at phones trying to decide if i really want an iphone and i got really tempted by that thing aria has for like two seconds
AG: ew, the noisy cricket
Tok'shuss: brb
| 9 minutes |
Tok'shuss: sry i had to suck a dick
it was curved so it took a little while
AG: gonzo back in your life?
Tok'shuss: my life is full of gonzos
i'm definitely eating raw spinach from the bag too
AG: ew
Tok'shuss: have you talked to [Shambles]/has she showed you pictures of her new bf?
AG: i think so, unless she has a new one, he's like blondeish or something
Tok'shuss: yea
do you think he's a raging queer like i do?
AG: i haven't really investigated
Tok'shuss: i mean they were going to a Scissor Sisters concert together and she had to cancel so he went without her and loved it
and he's got an ungodly case of the gay face
So there you have it. A sample of what life as a Shamblette is like at all times. If you don't speak in pop culture references or sound like an annoying 14 year old girl, then we, like Roman Polanski, want nothing to do with you.
AG: Truth. Oh, i went on a date today and it went well but the guy looks completely different in light and dark settings.
[picture redacted of dude...shambles i know] Tok'shuss: ooooh he's cute
i'd snack on that
AG: he's 28, been having good chats and such, not a gay wad
we step out in to the daylight and it's like he morphed into a 50 year old, and not in a good way
Tok'shuss: yea he does look older, but don't trust that shit.
Althought i'd still hit it i think
but i'm also in a very "sexually frustrated" place where i'd sit on pretty much anything
| 5 minutes |
AG: side note sorta related, i think i just wanna meet someone in person to date, that way you know if there's a connection instead of hitting it off chatting online only to meet in person and realize the person is a cylon in real life
but i dont go anywhere or do anything and when i do it's with friends and i dont wanna go to da club to meet someone, so i'll probs just be alone and bitter forever like everyone else
Tok'shuss: me too yaaaaaaay
AG: or i'll just keep having craigslist hookups until i die of aids
Tok'shuss: uh yaaay?
AG: kidding, but look at this random gem of a subject line, complete with picture of gaping butthole. [Image/listing redacted... not shambles, trust] "bi gymnast bubble-but gang banger wants two be ur cum dumpster"
that is someone's child! What's wrong with people, and WHY CAN'T HE SPELL?
Tok'shuss: i often describe myself as a cum dumpster
AG: haha, did you read the ad tho, it's like "big dick gets you in me sooner", goodness gracious
Tok'shuss: haha
AG: there's another one that says "drug/disesase free only, poppers Ok" unless i missed something, poppers are drugs, so if you say no drugs then list a drug as ok, does that mean herpes is acceptable?
Tok'shuss: Bahahaha. I had poppers once, ok maybe what i had wasn't an actual popper but on the menu it clearly said "jalepino poppers"
AG: Fatass.
BTDubbs, I want this hat (if you can call it that) for xmas okay?
Tok'shuss: done
AG: I'm sure we'll see Spencer rocking that on PLL next week
Tok'shuss: probably
tied in a bow around her waist
with suspenders (bless)
AG: and a swoop bang (double bless)
Tok'shuss: if she's lucky.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------So there you have it. A sample of what life as a Shamblette is like at all times. If you don't speak in pop culture references or sound like an annoying 14 year old girl, then we, like Roman Polanski, want nothing to do with you.
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