The Bitch List: Wash off the pests with jokes

This means anger... don't make me show you pissed

     Oh man are you fellow Shamblers and Shamblette's in for a tater-tot sized treat today.  Not only am I in yet another festive mood, but it's time for the second edition of The Bitch List (this truly is the g-spot of my week).  So enough gabbin', let's take the jump and do some bitching...

All of you die now please... Kthanxbai

 3 - IMPROV PEOPLE

    

     Ugh, you all know the type.  Improv people are awkward looking and usually white or Asian-ish, they're generally loud and annoying and are always trying to "out funny" each other... but mostly they just make you wish Chipotle were open 24 hours and had a late night martini bar that you could escape to during their shows to nom off the shame of awkward gay jokes and stupid songs.  Unlike people with realistic goals, Improv people strive to NOT end sentences with periods and instead prefer awkward pauses followed shortly thereafter by the words "aaand scene".  

     The most common type (aaand) seen in nature are the "awkward-looking white guys in colored tees who wear black chucks and date asian girls -- usually because said Asios look like the chicks in all their favorite anime mags and/or don't know enough English to say "let go of me, you're annoying".  Okay okay I'm being harsh and generalizing here (a dear friend of mine (legit) is an improv person and he is the exception to the rule (his girlfriend isn't Asian).  However, other people that I'm friends with (facebookily) fit the bill and usually I, like congress, would love to veto them when assembled by a party.  All my bitching aside, and even if I'm of the minority opinion, everyone at least knows someone that's like this, so everyone wipe that look of contempt off your face and get behind me on this one.  The workers at Chipotle will thank you for giving them a break.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

No thanks, Hoes... already got a date with half-priced bagel bites

2 - GROCERY STORE SOLICITORS

     Listen, pests... if I wanted to check out your stupid charity event or whatever, I'd go there, not the grocery store... but time and time again while on my way into shopping for my next noms I see you looking at me with the stank eye like I'm a monster as I pretend to get on my phone or look away from your judgment so as to avoid having to turn down you and whatever orphans you're try to protect in 2.5 seconds.  

     Yes, it's admirable that you're out there trying to get people to sign up or donate to your cause... but let's be honest, before you even open your stupid selfless mouth, half of us are thinking of how to say no to whatever you're about to tell/ask of us.  It's American human nature to be disinterested in something unless you're gonna get something out of it in return (example: this blog).  I mean if you really want me to support your improv team, do like the pros and offer up a BJ or a handy in exchange for my vote.  I guarantee that if you approach a man asking him to vote "no" on prop whatever, he'd be less inclined to check "yes" if while he was writing, his wiener was in your mouth, or yours was in his... (unless of course that man's name is Chris Hanson).

     Now don't get all crazy, I'm not actually suggesting these folks go out and slut it all away to get people to join their cause (been there, done that)... but more than once since starting this blog I've considered putting on my Bieber wig and offering a happy ending after each page-view so as to have a larger following.  But alas, these things take time... so instead of making you feel bad for not coming to my blog three times a day and telling all your friends to do the same via hourly tweets, I'm gonna do the next best thing and bitch about it. (but seriously, tell your friends and tweet about the blog... I'll nom your nethers).

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Go ahead and drop the soap, bitch...  I dare you 

1 - NIGHT SHOWERER

     "Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away from here".  That's right, like Jen-nay from Forrest Gump, I too recite this mantra on a daily basis now that the number one bitch on the list this week, Night Showerer, moved into the apartment above me.  Now don't get me wrong fellow Shamblers and Shamblettes, her hideous bangs aside she's a perfectly nice person (I think), and she might be a lezbo (I think), but she's definitely related to Dexter Morgan (I think)... however, please-to let me explain her three step process of terror.  

     The building I live in has old pipes, so you hear the water run whenever someone turns it on.  But it doesn't just run Forrest run (see what I did there?) it squeals like the lady in the water.  Picture it, me in bed trying to get my beauty sleep that I obviously don't need, and at 1:30am on the dot (nightly) as I continue dreaming of sugar plums and fairies... SQUEEEEE the lady of the pipes starts screaming as though some Mole Person stuck it in her ass without lube.  Added to this joy is the fact that the water keeps running as she (I think) bates herself for 30 minutes.

     Math majors will now realize that it's 2am and Night Showerer has gotten her page-view distributed happy ending and is ready to move on to step two.  With bateshower complete, NS stomps around step-show-style while opening and closing her windows multiple times like she's Detective Monk and can't sleep until she's removed all the spirits from her second floor abode.  This part's bad enough, but step three is even worse.  The final step to world domination comes at about 2:15am.  

     Shower's done, stomping slamfest is done, what could be left?  Well, kind Shamblette's, apparently Night Showerer has terrible Feng Shui because after steps 1 and 2, she proceeds to (what sounds like) taunt me by moving all of her furniture around. (shambles, shambles, shambles).  

     By now it's 3am and her triple threat of terror is (usually over), but by then I'm so hungry angry that it takes me a while to get back to sleep.  I'm considering caving in to my lust for certain psychopaths and after a night of near-death-love-making, sending said psycho upstairs to tell Night Showerer a thing or two about R.E.S.P.E.K.T.  

     Adding insult to Em-jury, last weekend she was doing her dishes and all her lusky stank water clogged the sink and flowed up through my sink, flooding my kitchen and resulting in her telling me (while viewing the destruction): "You should really take your trash out, I saw a roach in my place last night and I certainly didn't come from me".  Um...of course it came from you, you nasty bitch, I eat everything and therefore have no trash sooo... there!  She/it continued "..I can't have roaches in my place, that's gross"... Well, Night Showerer, I'm here to say that I can't have roaches in my apartment either, and what's really gross is your face/how you live your life, because the only acceptable excuse for my your late night activities is that you're either a killer or a prostitute... but either way we need to merge our talents to both promote this blog and get rid of you for good, because I want nothing to do with your wicked ways.

UPDATE - Building manager (a man worthy of his own bitch list blog post) fixed the sink but said part of the problem was that my nipples were leaking... story of my life.  I assume he was talking about the sink, but with manboob like mine, you never can tell.

All together now... SHAMBLES!