AngryBitter & Jelly: Can't Stand You Edition

Trust, angry background bitch.  I can relate... I ordered TWO dozen.

     Another week continues, another AngryBitter & Jelly sammich of haterade is placed before us.  This week I'm feeling extra ABJ, so I've dubbed this edition the "Can't Stand You" Edition, because each of the three toppings on our sammy of FML this week is full of unsaturated fats... TRANSLATION: Things I don't want in my life but are, so I deal with them as best I can by pretending they don't exist solely to make my life miserable.  So take a ride to ABJ-ville and see what all the stankness is about...
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ANGRY:  Couple Combo Names And Those Who Use Them

Blessed be.  Now this is FTW!

     If there's anything that makes me angrier than when I see a "Out of Order" sign on the frosty machine at Wendy's, it's couple combo names and the people that use them.  It was cute at first with Brangelina, I might have used Bennifer once or twice in my past... but now it's just gotten outta hand.  Now the minions of the message boards have taken the few power-couples who deserved their uni-title and given the honor to pretty much everyone and everything in the world with mixing genny parts and beyond.
     Lissy up, dicknuggets... just because two things are together doesn't mean they deserve one name.  It's not "cakesup", it's cake and ketchup... it's not "Dorandy", it's Doritos and candy... and most importantly, it's not "Chair" it's Chuck and Blair from Gossip Girl.  Don't get me wrong, I'm as lazy as the next lardass in the room, but I'm not a Kardashian, and therefore I know how stupid I'd sound if Hell froze over and I referenced Will and Emma on that shitshow Glee as Wimma... and you should know this truth too.
     So heed this, 14 year old girls and same aged pre-gays... stop making my life hell by using combo couple names.  Find other ways to shorten words, like "gennies" for "genitals", or "penny" for "penetration"... because if you do you'll sound cool and actually get your hands/mouth/ass on some of the preceding, instead of just being in need of restraints and a dose of anti-shortbus meds.  And while you're at it, stop saying FTW and the like after exclaiming your love of these couples... because the only thing you should be rooting "for the win" is a triple Baconator with double cheese... or in your words "Tronatorithoublees"... see how stupid that sounds?  Now go watch some Martin DVDs and don't make me tell you again.  Daddy-mother don't like repeating himherself.

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BITTER:  Douchebags I'm Attracted To

This way to the Douche Convention.  1.75 of you can stay outside.

     I touched on this a bit last week like a Catholic Priest touches his all-boy congregation... but like said Priest, let's get deeper into this confessional shit so we can all feel better.  These douchbag hotties are attention whores of ample dicked proportions, and my attraction to them just gives them the attention they want... but at the same time they're (when not too drunk) mostly straight, so they want nothing to do with me and they know it.  So in their douchey-attention-whore-but-not-in-a-whore-way-with-me-thus-shambles ways, they mess with me and lead me on or just gaybash me... making me feel pretty stupid for believing (like a Prom King or Sam Jaeger), that they'd want anything to do with my Carrie-White-plus-200-pounds-and-without-the-ability-to-move-things-with-my-mind ass.  
     Dane Cook is the prime example of this species I wanna nom, as are frat guys and 1.75 of the doods on Entourage (1 = Kevin Connolly, 0.375 each = Kevin Dillon and Douche Piven)... but we gays have a secret weapon other than waiting for you to bald or OD on something slash get herpes so we can make fun of you at the High School reunion.  We get you drunk and talk about straight porn or hot chix, and before your fine douchey ass knows it, you turn into bottom betties quicker than jizz turns into hairgel at Something About Mary's apartment.
    So go ahead and keep that douchey level of confidence up, cuz for every regular beer you drink, us bitter lardos are dreaming of the day when we're the hot ones, and you're the one asking us if "we're gonna finish those fries"... TRUST.

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JELLY:  Asian Hair

If you're Asian, get outta my face-parts... but leave your hairz.

     This one's simple.  Unlike pretty much everyone else, Asian hair is dark, flowy like a Pantene Pro-V commerical, and it moves in the wind.  Not only that, Asian hair can knock the shit outta anyone with ferocity and strength when pulled up into a side pony, and it goes great with pretty much any outfit... it's essentially the bacon infused mashed potatoes of hair; awesome, amazing, and I can't get enough of it.
     Those of us with pube-heads, fro-lox, or thick mops of nothing brown/blonde/red tresses above our octo-chins and five-heads have no argument for the truth and beauty of Asian hair, and our defenses against it's powers are like a single smelly fish fighting against the entire ocean for that corner booth in the back of some secret underwater Spongebob Squarepants diner... it just ain't gonna happen.
     So I go on in mushy Jelly for them as they pass me by in their cars (driving horribly of course), or telling me it's $7.36 to mail myself cupcakes to make it look like I'm loved, when really I just won't have time to grab them on the way to McDonald's for second breakfast.  And that, kind Shamblers and Shamblette's, is the very definition of Jelly Shambles.  FML.