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| So then I was all like... I'll show you whose flaming, Chris Brown! And then, well... he hit me. |
Hey gurl hey... Adrian Grenadine back again with an ass spanking new edition of
Gays Do It Better. I know after reading the title of this week's post you're at least bi-curious to find out what the hell it is the local queer does better than you and your local straighty counterparts. Well I won't dangle the ween in front of your open mouth of curiosity for long... so jump on in this shit like a sex-slave with ass up and mouth gagged, cuz you know that even if it's just once, you wanna try and prove me wrong about the three things I'm claiming gays do better than those who eat when they should suck and suck when they should eat...
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Gays Do It Better... KEEP SEX TAPES PRIVATE
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| Hey, Kendra... u realize that's not attached to ur husband right? What? Keep filming. |
Hope you've got plenty of lube, cuz this first of three GDIB topics is a long one, and it might not go down easy. Now... think about this for a second like cheesecake with bacon and french fries on top (food boner alert!), you've got 20 seconds... name all the celebrity sex tapes you can. Let's see: Pam and Tommy Lee, Paris Hilton and that dude, pretty much every Kardashian, Fred Durst and that hobag, Colin Ferrell and that Nubian bitch, Rob Lowe and that 14 year old while his friend is egging him on (well that one kinda works), ARRNNNNT! Time's up, slutnuggets. Now review your work... yep, not a gay porn sex tape in sight. Accept the truth like a rape ween in your ass at a maximum security prison... gays are better than straights at keeping their sex tapes private. But why could is this be?
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AIDS is a 4 letter word, DLB. So is asss... if u have a lisp, Adrien G. And ur being one right now. |
Before I start splainin' why the above is true, let's get that exception to the rule that proves it right outta the way: Dustin Lance Black. Granted that was mostly just images and not a full on $9.99 a minute sex tape, but more on the distinction betwixt the two in a moment.
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| Let's see... Fraggle Rock, Free Willy, Garfield... ah, here we go. |
Okay, now that we got that cleared up like last week's Syphillis, please-to let's explain how is it that gays are better at keeping their nether wrastlin' private? Well for one, we don't need to film our sex to know it's good.. trust. And even though lots of couples film their bones crossing, only straighties record them on their cellphones or attempt to put them in secret hiding prisons. Gays know that shit's gonna get found eventually, so instead of hiding the fruits of their fruits, they leave their night in Paris out in the parlor next to the Golden Girls and Troop Beverly Hills DVDs.
But that would make them get out easier, would it? It most certainly would not... If they've only got ten minutes of break-in time before the Po-lice get there, why would anyone at TMZ or some other shitshow waste precious breaking-and-entering moments looking someplace obvious for something so escandalo? Certainly the good shit must be in the bedroom, not in the DVD collection... and thus our first straighty mistake is had... never hide shit in your bedroom, even monsters under the bed can see your amateur porn, so what makes you think some monster with a camera and dreams of making a quick 100K won't look there either?
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| Baby, if we break up... you can have the kids. I want the vids. |
Reasons two and three why straight people are worse than gays at keeping their homemade Skinemax vids private are as follows: Unlike gays, straight people take for granted the cattiness that ensues when they and their scene partner break up... also, some straight peeps want that shit to leak like an overactive coochie without a tamp or Depends undergarment nearby for miles to try and squeeze with all the might of Suzanne Summers' thighs whatever's left of their 15 minutes of fame that they can, and in some cases that, (plus their rich family) is the only reason they're famous to begin with. Gays however, know when their 15 minutes is up, and instead of releasing sex tapes most people don't even wanna see... they get drunk and punch someone or start a blog instead to remain relevantish.
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| Smile for the camera, baby. What? I said, uh... been a while since I rammed ya'... Davey. Oh, cool beans, but my name's Tim. (slurp) |
Now, please-to hold all hate mail until you hear me out on reason two. Cuz unlike straight people, gays know what evil bitches we are when things get sour in the brolationship and couples split like legs at a Chelsea Handler book signing. If we gays can get any dirt on someone, no matter how much we love them or how long we've been with them, we're gonna get it, keep it, and then dig that shit up once we're no longer boos.
This is what happened to Dustin Lance Black... he was just one of many hobags at the powergay sex party, then him and his boo who he was sooooo in luz with, took bareback sex pics/video to cherish forever... then they broke up, DLB starts going to my gym, wins an OSCAR, and low and behold rando ex boo-parts with a raging case of gayface (and no mind to the fact that his deek is gonna be out there in the internets too) leaks the shit to the media, and now urryody who knows how to google search knows what DLB looks like with a condomless dick up his ass.
So most of us who aren't famous or want to one day be slash have body image issues, DO NOT WANT nekky pix or vids of us in the universe, and thus don't engage in that kinda shit unless we decide to go into porn, because there's always some sleezeball with a gold chain and unibrow who says we can make a quick 50 bucks and get our dix sucked if we just ride in his van and wear the blindfold.
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| Sorry, straight white kids... can't hide ur sex-tape shame under here |
Okay, now I'll finish my thought from above as promised and say that while gays are better than straights at keeping their sex tapes private, they're ten magillion times worse than straighties at keeping pix of their dix and the like from inquiring eyes. This is because like a handshake in the professional world, most gays say hello by sexting a pic of their dick or torso slash pubes over Grindr or some other online slut-and-herpes promoting web or cell phone service... but as the actions of recent Jamie Foxx's and Republican Politicians have taught us, straight doods and their boners of political suicide are catching on to the phenom.
But even if they're catching on like a tone deaf, double left footed, nerd alert during jazzercise class, they still have a long way to go as the whole muff up with Anthony Ween happened cuz he pressed the wrong "send" after snapping that coochie closeup... and trust, a gay would never do that by accident. Therefore because A-Bone is straight, it ended in resignation and therapy, if only he were gay his dickup mistake would make more people wanna bone him and probably get him re-erected. So don't be jelly, Straighties because like wiener-nomming or coochie-sampling, we gays are just better than you at keeping our sex tapes private. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gays Do It Better... MAKE YOU LAUGH
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| I don't know what it means... but it strangely makes sense |
K, I spent gaaaay too long on that first one. So I'll let this blog slash a few treasures below speak for themselves on this one. It's just a matter of science that gay people are better at making you laugh than straight people, and this is so cuz gay people put up with a lot of shit growing up and they more often than not rely on humor to hide their deeply scarred selves slash insecurities over being a boy who likes boys, or a girl who likes girls.
By this same rationale you'd think all minorities would be the most hilario people in the GaGa Universe, and many are... but in the context of this blog post we're only concerned with the gays, so all you other funny minorities (except Wanda Sykes) just have to deal with more oppression here... now go write a joke.
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| Adrian you sit on the Right hand, Shamblina already called Left. |
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that straight people aren't funny, cuz they are, even if one of them in particular makes us hate ourselves for being strangely attracted to him even though they're a frat-faced douchelord from Doucheylvania who may or may not also be pictured above.
Hell, everyone is funny if they want to be for the most part... but of course there are exceptions (like Sinbad and George Lopez' coke-faced ass) that prove the rule. But we don't care about them either, we only care about the gays who don't give a shit 'bout nothing but putting ween in their ass, and a smile on your face.
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| This is how we say "hello" at Shady Pines... Hello |
What it all comes down to though is, gays are just better at making you laugh because they honestly don't give a shit what anyone thinks... this comes ironically, from a life of over-caring about what others think. But once a gay learns to accept his or her obsession with inner or outer genny parts, all bets are off and it's all laughs all the time... even at the expense of our own kind. We be cannibalistic bitches of judgment... and like
my ass at the Golden Corral... if you're in my way, you will be destroyed.
Like old people, gays don't have time to give two shits and a fuq what you think, they've earned the right to fart in public or take a shit on your face if they want without judgment from you and your bros. And if you wanna get up in our friend's coochie, you gotta get through us first in the non sexual way (shambles)... so you best laugh your ass off when we talk about how hideous that bitch's skirt is or tell the story about the dude whose crabs and scabies jumped all over our new Tommy Hilfiger briefs last night.
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| Gurl, don't look now... but u got some hideous on that outfit. |
Still not convinced? Well in addition to the above photo caption, here be below some examples of blunt-truthed-I-don't-give-a-shit hilarity I've either uttered or heard uttered in a gay circle within the last 24 hours alone:
"Damn girl why you drivin' such a big truck? You got a small pussy?"
"Bring (your dog)." "Um.. she's dead". "Oh... well bring her anyways".
(While staring at a hot dude eating) "Damn... I wish I was those french fries. Cuz then I'd be all up in that mouth and down his throat... then eventually I'd be all up in his ass too."
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| So this is gonna help make me less of a tight ass? Nom Nom... huh? Oh, Yeah... I'll stick it in later. What? |
All joking aside, we gays like having a good time and making those around us have one too because... well, like the word suggests... we're gay. All too often this world is full of hate and tight assed people who are so stressed and hateful they haven't taken a shit since President Clinton shoved that cigar up Monica Jewlinski's cuchina and called it a day. So if you're one of those tight asses who hasn't even butt cracked a smile yet this entire blog post, it's time to loosen your ass up and have some fun (I will help you with that if you need help, just buy me dinner at Wendy's first)...
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Gays Do It Better... GROOM THEIR NETHERS
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| Fashion Fur-paux. Faux real |
Ok, for real... this one isn't gonna take long to prove. Gays do most of their business on the front side of downtown... so they gotta keep they shit trim and cute for their future herpe-giving partners they met on Craiglist. Also, we gays love accessorizing to pull together an outfit... what kind of message does it send to the world if we spent 50 bucks on our professional hair-did up top, but we have Buckwheat in a leglock down below? That's just sloppy and lazy, and sloppy and lazy in the nether regions' grooming is for straight dudes who don't care what it looks like down there cuz they don't venture into those man-parts... well gays do and we don't choke where we eat unless it's on the main course... besides, we probably just shaved ourselves bald from last week's crabs anywayz, so why not keep it groomed before it's time to do it again?
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| What u expek, Sinead O'Connor cooch? Bitchif u got hur, we got hur. |
I must stress however, that we're talking about regular folk here, not porn people... so those hobags and their topiary crotches are not to be considered in this argument. But, I will admit that a bit of a reverse plot twist comes in to play here with women. Straight hobags (for the most part) keep their shit fresh and sculpted for fear of lookin' a hot mess when the dude they decide to go home with on whatever night gets a look at that coochie and sees something that doesn't resemble a 12 year old slash everything he's used to seeing in all that porn he looks at and then refuses to stick it to you for fear of you having a toothed vagina that'll bite his dick off like in the movie
Tooth.
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| Oooh, looks like this dyke-bitch just went down on her gurrfrien'. |
On the flip flop lolly pop though... lesboynz (allegedly), like a beard downtown so they can put their face in it and pretend they're some kinda brown, red, or blonde haired Santa Claus... but that's just ridiculous, sex-racism, non-proven booshit (probs).
So, to spare everyone from puking, we'll steer clear of that topic and end by saying that gays (male) groom their nethers better than straights because they always assume no mater where they are that they could get lucky, and should they do... they refuse to look a hot mess; even if that mess is hidden beneath Express jeans and a pair of Armani briefs... cuz no one wants to nom on a ponytail while they're deep C diving some rando in his manbush urea that we call the nethers.
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