Holy Hot Messes! - Open Mouthed Shit Shoes

Eat your vaj out, Streisand.

     Hot messes, hot messes, Lindsay Lohan!  We got hot messes coming outta our pee-holez here at the Shamblette's Blog, and boy are we ready to golden shower said messes all over this post, and all to make your life just THAT much juicier.  Ok I'll stop will all that nast, but please-to keep reading for all the Caliente-Messita deets...
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PERSON:  PDA Hobags

Surriosly?  Ur door is RIGHT there!  Go inside so he can.  UGH, I need de-stress bacon

     Oh my Ferocia, these stank bitches are really axin for a glass of ass-whoopin'.  So glad that you're a couple, but how does that help me get cupcakes in my life?  Lissy up, slutnuggetz, unless the thing you're cramming to your lips has 3 meat patties and 6 strips of bacon, or it's name is @brantdaugherty/Noel Kahn.... I don't wanna peep you sucking carb fueled face while in my eye-parts cuz you look a hot ass mess.  PDA Hoes are nasty and gross yes, but they're also gettin' some.  So by rubbing it in each others' 5 chin supporting faces, they're also rubbing it in mine dick-slap-style as I'm NOT getting said face suckage, and that's more Shambled than Ferocia Pam's current face melting predic on True Blood.
     Trust, STD incubators, y'all look like shit in private, why prove it to the world by smooching uglies in public?  The worst is when I'm in line for the rollercoaster at Magic Mountain and you're 14, if The Viper doesn't make me vom, your pre-teen semi-sexin' surely will.  Heed this, Hot Mess Hobags, if you're not old enough to drive slash don't yet have the ingredients in your scrotes to make a baby, you're def not old enough to Hoover vac someone's face in my 600 pound presence without looking as hot messy as someone with the last name "Lohan".  Nature just doesn't work that way so stop it... or I WILL eat you and everything else you love.
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PLACE -   Bar Bathrooms/Stalls Without Doors

Trust.  Blood colored walls don't make this anymore inviting.

     Why do these exist?  Are the bar people THAT cheap that they can't attach a door where people unload their pre-bar Baconators and Diet Coke?  Is it too much to axe for a little privacy when I'm doing my lines of coke to lose weight?  Cerealously bar owners, get it together because us losers with no friends don't have anyone to block the door while we have a stomach crises in duh club.  

     Granted if we didn't attend shitty (no pun) hole in the wall bars we wouldn't have to worry about bathrooms that look like New Orleans after Katrina (too soon?)... but those typeuh clubs are for skinny bitches and Armenians we can't stand... plus we can't afford the $20 cover at the door going towards the owner's Ecstasy costs.  So please-to put some d's on your shits, we're just axin for a little poo and pee privacy, not for another season of LOST or anything.  Preeze? 
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THING - Toe Shoes (ugh)

Talk about Uggz, I remember when these were called "Tivas"

     Whoever thought these shit shoes were a good idea needs to be bound, gagged, and forced to watch Glee on an endless loop without a fast forward button or snacks by their side to take away the pain.  Don't get me wrong, I'm all for bird-like fashions (Bjork props, wut wut)... but when you start looking like a special effex guy on the set of Jurassic Park 4 in your everyday life, then we gots a Hot Mess situation on our toes.
     For those not in the know about these "blessings", consider yourself one-uh the lucky ones.  These shoes grip around your toes like toe sox (equally atrosh) and I guess are super comfortable?  The point is, these hideo steaming pile of mess shoes make you look like you have skeleton feet, which sounds like a good thinning thing in theory, but really just makes you look like you share bitch and no-nom DNA with Calista Flockhart.
     Yes it's your right to look like an idiot if you want, trust I do it all the time as my life is filled with countless Ugly Betty moments of shame... but at least when I trip on the stairs in front of a hot boi or try to hide from an ex at my monthly True Blood sex orgy, my shoes don't look like shit.  Just sayin'.
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