GChats U Wish... PLL Margos & Kiki Peeps Porn

Damn, Kiki... eat a cheeseburger, bitch.

     For once, that rumbling in your nethers isn't body induced carb longing, it's the blood flowing to your squishy parts in anticipation of yet another GChats U Wish U Wrote.  This special in a non shortbus way time we're focusing solely on a slutpendous chat sesh betwixt the infamous Kiki and I.  Topics include: last week's PLL (per usual), food (per usual), new career paths, and we finish it off handjob style with a little chat about a former colleague of ours who now gets paid to have other people's fists up her ass.  It's all deliciously true, and it's all for delicious you...

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Also known as "Noel Kahn Jizz" or "Mona sweat"

Please-to prepare for awesome, but don't say I didn't warn you...  AG: I've decided to change my life goals to getting paid to recap PLL fulltime, I have more fun each week and can't stop laughing at myself with each zinger

  I don't even watch the show to enjoy it anymore, i watch it to look at Noel, envy Mona, and talk shit about everyone else not names Hefty Hanna.

KIKI: omg you should.  Can't wait for Top Model to come back so I can feel even fatter than I do... and read your sure to be sass-filled recaps.AG:  truth.  OMG SIDE NOTE: Trainwreck.complease-to click on that link.

It's actually a site, and the guy who runs it fits the description.

2 minutes

Kiki:  OMG bless.

  blog post in 3...2...1, haah

 AG: NTWayz, [coworker] said last week's PLL was terrible... but then she aslo said she was kinda drunk when watching it so that might be a booze fueled lie

 Kiki: What a bitch.  Haha.  Hanna's the best part of the show though, her eyeroll acting alone I'm like, give this girl an Oscar already.

  AG:  Agreed.  Her eye-line however is borderline racoon baby with Johnny Depp on a pirate ship

Kiki: yes, you're so right agreed on all counts

  i do luurve me some spencer tho, she's all SORTS of awesome.

  like spencer + hannah = all i need in my BFFS

  hannah to jack the champagne and spencer to like, handle all of my problems

 AG: oh yeah, and Em to go down on you in the dark

Kiki: hahahah

  Emily is super gorgeous

  Aria i think is not attractive in the leastand like when she was walking down the runway last week it was just like

Jon Benet creepy

  yeah, i said it

 AG: too soon

she should in all theory be beautiful, but those brows, fivehead, and 400 pound eyeballs just don't do it for me

 Kiki: she just needs to dial back the crazy outfits and the big hair and like

  her mouth bugs me

AG: and her lack on being interesting in the least

 Kiki: that too.

OMG can we talk about how Aria was like "let me grab my stuff"

  stupid bitch

and THEN IT WAS LIKE 9 TRESEMME PRODUCTS

 AG: i know right

 Kiki: like you dumbasses, she obviously didn't need or use her 10 pounds of shampoo and conditioner

  at least make it realistic

 AG: i love how "her stuff" is the entire Tresseme collection but no purse

 Kiki: she had like a duffle bag to carry her bottles and bottles and pounds and pounds of products and nothing else was on the counter.  Not even eyelash crust.Like, ok Aria you packed up all of your makeup but left out your shampoo for the shower you're not gonna take in the dressing room cuz there is no shower?

  and its all like 2 dollars each, fuqing leave it behind

 AG: Okuuur!  esp with two potential killers in the room

11 minutes

Sip that Margo, Bitch.  You worf a hundy mill.

AG: I'm sitting here eating trail mix with white chocolate chunks and honey pretzels I'm dipping into Greek Yogurt and i don't feel bad in the least

Kiki:  Holy Baconator! NOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

AG: True story, white chocolate chunks are the best thign since 24 hr drive-thrus, delishioso!

Kiki: i'm not a huge white chocolate fan

  i mean i dont turn it down butyou know if there's a choice between that and dark chocolate

  i choose both

 AG: haha

Kiki: BTW new favorite drink

  skinny girl margarita

  get your ass over to my apt and we can split one of the many bottles i have stocked

 AG: gah the writers were talking about that at lunch the other day, it's from that houseviwes bitch right?

 Kiki:  yeah and its fuqing delicious.  Respekt, bitch.

AG: every sip you take makes Bethany's plastic surgery fund get bigger, her tits and ego too.

 Kiki: LOL.  and just like her it's easy. pour over ice. straw. done.

 AG: kinda like frosting!

 Kiki: Yeah, just like that.  I envy-love that fug Bethany bitch though, I want to come up with something and then sell the company for 100 mil like she did

AG: deep fried cake batter stix, and go!

  i'll take cash please

 Kiki: those seriously sound good

  i've been perusing a lot of blogs lately and one of them is a wedding blog and seriously all of them have cake pops everywhere

  and i'm like omg i want like 90 of them

AG: fuq the husband i'll take cake pops

  think thin, think men, think cake pops! (new life motto)

                                                                          37 minutes AG: gah girl you is a job interview ho.  No prospects for months and now you gots three interviews lined up.

Kiki:  I know right.  when it rains it pours. (Golden Shower Shambles)AG:  haha.  I'm just waitng for Alan Ball to call and be like, "heard you were gchatting about me" wanna replace [His current assistant]?

Kiki: hahah

  it's only a matter of time

AG: that's what i'm hoping slash telling myself

Kiki: i can't belive it's actually happening

i'm ACTUALLY leaving here.  But who will grab my boobs inappropriately and call me a stupid bitch for existing?  Oh [Bossman].

AG:  never have to do this again..check... never have to cover my boobs when bossman passes by...check

  are your hours at [new job] gonna be ridic, like 8-8 or 10-10 or something?

 Kiki: yeah

  but what else am i doing?? hanging out with my boyfriend?? no, he doesn't exist

spending my loads of money?? no, it doesn't exist

 AG: eating pizza???  Depends on if it's 10am yet or not

Kiki: more like 9am.

13 minutes

None deez hoes her, but eagle eyes see clues to "Hobag's" Porn ID

AG: um, so Skittles just told me that [Hobag] is a porn star now, she goes by [Shitty fake porno name], it's sooo true, and she looks sooo dyke... guess i better update the cover art for [that movie i made with her in it] to read: "starring [Shitty fake porno name]"

Kiki: Shut your mouthparts!!!

AG: Never, especially when bacon is involved.  Me and Skittles have a view [Hobag's] porn-date this weekend if you wanna get in on that threesome.

Kiki: ooh!!!!  Plaese-to yes.

 AG: OMG, there's a pic of her getting fisted by some bitch who's also fisting her own ass, and then a hotish dude is next to them.  I'm jealous, [Hobag] gets to have 3 of his appendages in her and I don't even get the one!

Kiki:  True, but you can poop without it just falling out of you.AG:  Tomato/Tomahto.  Oh God, she does bondism and kink porn, glad that education is paying off [Hobag].  Here's a link to her site. (Don't worry it's not porn).

Kiki: [views site] HAHA

  SEX EDUCATOR

  SERIOUSLY?

AG: i think she teaches couples how to fuq, but whatev, that blonde hair is atrosh... so let's take a head count... [Hobag] is a porn whore lez, [Cheese] got arrested, [Russian Hobag] is also in porn, yet [Big Tits McCokehead] is in a commited 5 year relationship... did we miss something here?

 Kiki:  Yeah, choosing the right friends in College.

AG: ZING! (back to quoting Hobag's site)

  This is brillz:  "This is a hands-on, practice-based workshop full of useful information to get you started (or advance your knowledge) on impact play"

 AG:  Is that like the Chris Brown Special or something?  He must be the dean of smackdown at the Hobag school of intercourse.

 me: Too soon.  I think she meant to type "hands IN", not "hands ON".

 Kiki: IMPACT PLAY.  Good God.AG:  Ooh let's take this one: "The Art of Webcamming: How to make money online and have fun doing it".

 Kiki: so like what is this performance art?

  like, her mastrubating in heels? 

 AG: haha, i think so, like sex art.  Talk about finger painting. (ew)

but it looks like she's mostly into lez bondism shit... aka curling irons up her cooch and vaggie patties in her face-parts.

Kiki:  Shambles.  Gah she looks like Carey Mulligan now, if Carey Mulligan had nether juice all over her and probably smelled like poop gristle.

  AG:  Ha.  More like "Hairy Whorrigan".

SIDE NOTE: I thought I was a ho, but I don't even understand half of the words in this sentence - "[Shitty fake porno name] creates and performs in BDSM inspired performance art, burlesque, guerrilla theatre, and films. She is interested in collaborating with riggers, doms, radical sex workers, and other erotic artists and performers."

Kiki: riggers? doms?

  jesus.  Her body is awesome tho.

AG: It really is.  Funny, I read the above as "ni*gers, noms"... clearly we know where my hungry racist desires lay                                                                          23 minutesAG: um, im like obsessed, i want to watch her porns but i'm at work and can't have her screaming from getting like a 2 liter up her cooch and have that echoing into the writers' room.  Can you say awkward?Kiki:  Replace "writers' room" with "rapey boss' office for fear of him getting the wrong message" and we are in the same Shamlemma.

  AG:  F.O.Lives.  And now, a sample of loglines from her google searched films:

  Super cute blond is tormented with cloths pins on her body

[Shitty fake porno name] Anal Virgin

  Maitresse Madeline humiliates blonde cheer girl in the locker room

  and my personal fave: [Shitty fake porno name] is destroyed and humiliated on the mat

Kiki: oh jesus!!!!!!!1

  holy hot mess.  Didn't she major in Women's Studies?

AG: She did.  Um, hunty, just beause you're getting shit on by a woman, doesn't mean it's a feminist statement.  Now we just need a guy we used to know to do that shit.  [Former college dude Adrian wants to bone then and forever] come on down...  My vaginal canal.Kiki:  Hahah, gross.  he is cute tho.  Damn I'm hungry.

AG:  And that last bit settles it, i believe we've found the next gchats u wish you wrote.  Kiki wins again

Kiki: kiki4eva