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| Those bangs are strangely acceptable... my shame however, is not. |
Tiddley-do, Hobags. For once I'm not Shambled with problems, but rather my mood is pleasantly perverted since this upcoming Monday (July 11th), is my 69th birthday! I'm not excited about turning 70 in a year, but until that shambled day comes I'll have twelve cum-filled months to fit the number 69 into a sentence without getting side-eye like I'm probably getting from you now for saying cum-filled. But know that because of the festivities, this is the only post you're getting outta me today cuz I got some all weekend Draynkin' to do. But don't fret little ones, I've made this week's Nerd Alert a long one (tee hee), so it's like two posts in one anyway.
Now before I get too stank nasty and gross myself out, jump on in to this week's super gay Nerd Alert to see what pop culture Botox you need injected into your face and ass in order to keep yourself abreast of the cooch-trench of fab that the cool kids have already found shelter in. But don't be scared, dorks... together, you, I, and Nicky Minaj-a-trois will complete a Nerd Alert threesome that's worthy of a golden ticket to pedo-ville...
BOOK: Why is Daddy In a Dress?
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| I hope they mean "inside the book" |
Any gay worth his weight in rainbows knows cute animals both intrigue and disgust me. That's why this treasure that was given to me by Shamblette Jim is perfect because much like many of the faces I've kissed, it's blend of cute and awkward makes me love it more than french fries dipped in icing and doused with diet dr pepper (a bitch gotta watch his black swan figure after all). It's a collection of images/post cards with cute animals that ask all the awkward questions you want to but can't find the strength to inquire of your closest Shamblette's.
Let's face it, it's a lot easier to ask "is it in yet" if there's a Noel Kahn-like cute duckling looking at you asking it. "Why is there a body in your bathtub?" asks the little leopard kitten... I'm sure Mr. Dahmer would reply "That's my lunch" if he wasn't A) dead, and B) too busy getting a shout out in the first ever SILOHBS post to respond. How can you not say "Mulatto" when the me-cute kitten asks "What's the PC term for you people"? It's really just a sweet little book of awkward and racist questions-of-death masked behind the cute mugs of baby animals.
So the next time you utter the quandaries: "do I have to pay for your abortion?", "did I rape you last night", "why does your baby look like the pool boy", "Is this herpes?", "can I have the last life vest?", or my personal favorite, "do you sell bigger tampons" ... remember to take the easy way out and buy this book. It'll do all the hard hitting journalism asking for you. Just send the postcard with the question you wanna ask Justin Bieber to his address, and before you know it you'll have your response... "yes" it'll say. Now wasn't that easier than waiting outside his tour bus just to get nervous and stutter out the query, "Have you always been female?" With this Pulitzer Prize winning masterpiece of Shakespearean delight you'll be able to easily get the hard part over with, and (s)he'll appreciate getting some honest fan mail for once.
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TV: Absolutely Fabulous
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| Adrian and Kiki are at it again. Gotta love Karaoke night at Denny's |
Any gay worth their weight in dicks already has the complete AbFab series box set on DVD. But to those of you morons who aren't familiar with the daily shamblings of Patsy Stone and Edwina Monsoon, you need to put down the snacks, pull your head outta your ass after all these years, and get'cha view on... cuz these British bitches are hilario.
Yes, yes I know... I lost you at "British". But next to Benny Hill, this is the only British show I can watch without wanting to buy a cute kitten and kill it so I can prove to myself that feelings do in fact exist. These wasted hobags strangely remind me of my own mother and her friend we'll call "Patsy" for the sake of ambiguity. Of course things are different in my real life than the show, my mother and "Patsy" don't hate me and they're not whorefaces who think they're still 40, but the dynamic between the two and their insane grasp on life is how I've been led to believe (also with the aid of photo evidence) that this is how my mother and "Patsy" behaved when they met in high school... and no they're not lezzy together you weirdos that's not what I meant... but they are a lot like me and Kiki... so I guess we have lies and deception as well as self-inflicted-insanity to look forward to in 30 years. Yay! But I digress.
The point remains though that LOGO, the official sponsor of The Shamblette's Blog, knows what's up as they've started airing the show throughout the day at random times in random blocks... kinda like LOGO's version of The Golden Girls on the watered-down version of Lifetime.
Now I won't blab on and on about my favorite episodes or what the show is other than saying "probs the Marrakesh one or the France one" and "it's basically two drunk bitches being ridiculous at all times" (again, just like me and Kiki everyday). I know most if not all of you are already familiar, so I hope if anything this little ditty of a post gets your AbFab juices flowing and you go back and visit this early 90's classic for a second go round... cuz like cake or one night stands... sometimes it's even better when you go for seconds long after you've sampled the "oh shit yes" that was the first time.
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MOVIE: "But I'm A Cheerleader"
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| Stop trynna blow the baby, Natasha. But it'll make me straight! |
Any gay worth their weight in STD's already owns this movie and can quote from it at will, but again... those of you stuck in the age of MySpace and Ebay might need a little guidance here to try and attempt the impossible by making you relevant again.
This flick has an "all star" cast of peeps who are semi-relevant these days. It's got Ru Paul as a dude, Eddie Cibrian when he was still hotish and not just "that douchebag who left his wife for Leanne Rhymes and is now on that Playboy show", Natasha Lionne before she got Hep C and methed out of existence, Clea Duvall while she still looked freshly probed from The Faculty with her lezbo bob thing stupid hair, Melanie Lynsky who's in a lot of rando stuff and I still to this day think she looks like an Aussie Drew Berrymore in glasses but unlike Drew, can actually act... and Kip Pardue who's name I hate but whose face I wanna rape... he's also in stuff but mainly is famous for showing his wang for 2.5 seconds and providing a 3 minute drug induced ramble for another flick you'll be seeing on this list in the future: The Rules of Attraction. Oh yeah and some other people are in it too like that guy from Night Court and Cathy Moriarty who sounds like she's been sippin' on a few extra rocks and razors milkshakes since her heyday... oh and a lezbo pixie cut sporting Michelle Williams for like two seconds and Mink Stole who's in everything gay.
But anyway, the cast isn't the important part... the film is. It's about a chick who's sent to a camp to turn gays straight when she's suspected of being a lezbo. There she meets other lezzies and gays and is sent through a series of steps to try and make her and the other gaywads straight. Hilarity and lots of shitty acting from Natasha Lyonne ensues, and then the campers start getting picked off Scream style as more and more of them fail to pass the tests and are kicked out of camp. Who will graduate and will they be able to convert? Who cares? It's not a big shocker ending that makes us watch, it's stuff like electric therapy where you shock your cooch everyime you have a gay thought and characters like latino Andre (the best part of the film) that make this shit worth a view.
Still not sold, here's some hilario dialogue from the film, and the trailer (which is pretty shitty) is down below (tee hee) for your viewing pleasure...
Mary: Ok then, who's left to report out their root? Andre?
Andre: Shit Ms. Mary, I ain't the only one who don't got no root.
Mary: Andre, we don't use profanity or double negatives here at True Directions.
Andre: Shit Ms. Mary, I ain't the only one who don't got no root.
Mary: Andre, we don't use profanity or double negatives here at True Directions.
Hilary: No inappropriate behavior is allowed here.
Megan: Like swearing?
Graham: No, like fucking.
Megan: Like swearing?
Graham: No, like fucking.
Andre: She's just upset, because the fish on her plate is the only kind she can eat.
N-T-way, if you haven't seen this film check it out, and if you have... watch it again this weekend and strike a pose.
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MUSIC: Die Antwoord - "$O$"
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| Trainwreck... party of two? "That's us, Ninja. Come on". |
Any gay worth his weight in rim jobs loves a good South African hot mess as much as I do. And no I'm not talking about Charlize Theron... I'm talking about this "hip hop" group with accents to kill and hairstyles to make even the trolliest troll one Shear Genius clutch the pearls one way or another when they start talking about how "zef" (cool) everything is and flashing their tits and tats. But the real miracle is that I can't tell if they're in their late 20's or early 60's, and I love them all the more for keeping me in the dark.
Die Antwoord are like the South African version of the White Stripes, but with less talent to go with their insane ability to make people wonder if the two leads are brother and sister, married, or both. (the true tale is they used to bone and "made a kid once" but are now just band mates). These hot messes have been picking up steam as of late so you may already know of them, and it's not really their music that should interest you as much as the disaster that is the two lead vocalists, Yolandi Vassar and Ninja.
When she raps, Yolandi sounds like Bjork's short-bus cousin who OD'd on helium, and Ninja sounds and kinda looks like Vanilla Ice if English was Ice's fourteenth language (complete with always in "boxers and dick flop" fashions). I must say though that these sluts know how to represent the dirty South African south like I know how to represent bacon at a vegan rally.
Whether it's them smoking pot during interviews, or Yolandi wearing rats as accessories, Die Antwoord have long overstayed their 15 minutes and are now in that borderline area knows as semi-relevancy. And I'm just here to help the cause by letting more people know who they are... and maybe in the process they'll let me stand in for that fat guy who lays down the beats for them on his PC. Seriously I'm not joking...
Peep some two minute treasures below (an interview/track, and an official music video)... oh, and feel free to put it on mute and just look at the images if it's too much for you (some of the language is NSFW). Now go on and peep this shit and don't tell me you're not thinking of cutting your hair like Yolandi.
Thank you so much mystery friend for introducing me to this group a while ago and for looking like a sober version of Yolandi with better hair. Miss you, bitch.
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AWESOME: Planet Unicorn (heyyyy)
| A good man's harder to find than a gay unicorn... oh wait, hey gurl! |
Hey, Pony Hey. Any gay worth his weight in butt plugs knows that this week's thing of awesome is also all kindsa fabulous. These vids have been around for a while, and I didn't know about them until someone awesome told me about them (you know who you are).
I could explain what this little webseries is but it's much better to view it and get all the info you need. But a babydick sized synop is: this shit's basically a cartoon about three gay unicorns (Feathers, Cadillac, and Tom Cruise) on a planet of a little gay boy's creation that get into mishaps and mayhem in little 3-5 minute webisodes.
So peep episodes 1 and 2 below (both in one video link) and let the world know that you've peeped the gayest thing to come along since fried Oprah Lips with Gayle sauce. In case you're wondering, Feathers (lavender one) is my fave cuz he sounds like a few folks I know from back home/my life. But anyway, enjoy.
So peep episodes 1 and 2 below (both in one video link) and let the world know that you've peeped the gayest thing to come along since fried Oprah Lips with Gayle sauce. In case you're wondering, Feathers (lavender one) is my fave cuz he sounds like a few folks I know from back home/my life. But anyway, enjoy.
Yeah, boo. Don't you feel better now? And they're only like 3 mins long so it's not a waste of your time like reading this blog might seem sometimes (confidence shambles). But if you're hooked now and want more, go to youtube and search "planet unicorn"... all the episodes are there for your viewing pleasure.
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| Almost... hey, a token white guy and subtle racist racoon joke! |
So there you have it, your super extended version of Nerd Alert, and I didn't have to use a pump or take dickhard pills to get it to last and support it's extra few inches of entertainment. Don't all 2 of you forget that Monday's my birthday, so expect some well hungover typos and whatnot in Monday's blogs since I'll be plugging in my bacon grease and hypnotik IV of pleasure starting about ten minutes after this blog posts.
I'm sure after my weekend of debauchery there will be plenty of Ugly Betty moments with Kiki and the rest of the Shamblette's to blog about. I hope you're as excited to celebrate as I am cuz next thursday is our one month sexiversary of being on the internets. I'd like to say I'm planning something special other than a few new features, but right now I'm more concerned with not dying this weekend of carb and alcohol overload.
However, if I do croak this weekend, at least you have a whole new batch of herpes good shiz in the five food groups of relevancy/life to get acquainted with and share with the world in my honor.
As always, please feel free to golden shower me with thoughts and/or birthday gifts in the comments section please. I accept all forms of payment as long as it's cash/nudie pics/or bacon. Just saying. Later, hobag bitches!
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