 |
| Dammit, Aria... You're fuqing everything up with that umbrella! |
--------------------------------------------------------------------
 |
| This is the stuff *Priapism is made of. *It means non-stop boner |
----- Previously on PLL... I hate Melissa. Great, more blonde lez. MMMM NOEL KAHN!!! MONA! dick is officially boned... annnnnd New Jason has just made it go away... now to the actual show thank God... hope the fact that Simbajaws wasn't in this recap means he won't be cursing us with his face again this week.
----- "Just because he didn't kill Ally at the kissing rock doesn't mean he didn't do it an hour later"... replace "kill Ally" with "eat 45 pizzas" and you have the spin-off known as "Pretty Fat Truths: The Adrian Grenadine Story"
----- "If Ian didn't kill Ally, did "A"? (crickets and side glances of confusion) so, uh... did you invite Ezra to the show?" Great segue, Hefty H... Don't ever stop being you please. ktahnksbai.
----- Ezra is out of town doing a conference on a paper... really PLL writers? That's the best you can come up with to explain Ezra's absence? Ugh why are they talking about Toby now? Thank God... saved by the opening credits bell.
----- "Just because he didn't kill Ally at the kissing rock doesn't mean he didn't do it an hour later"... replace "kill Ally" with "eat 45 pizzas" and you have the spin-off known as "Pretty Fat Truths: The Adrian Grenadine Story"
----- "If Ian didn't kill Ally, did "A"? (crickets and side glances of confusion) so, uh... did you invite Ezra to the show?" Great segue, Hefty H... Don't ever stop being you please. ktahnksbai.
----- Ezra is out of town doing a conference on a paper... really PLL writers? That's the best you can come up with to explain Ezra's absence? Ugh why are they talking about Toby now? Thank God... saved by the opening credits bell.
HOE-MMERCIAL BREAK
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
| I know, Drew... But Toby can't last forever... can he? |
----- Motherfuqer!!! If I was ever considering buying an HP Touchpad I'm SOOOOOO not gonna now, because you forced me to listen to Russell Brand's voice and then look at his face for 30 seconds... not cool ABC Fam. What's next, a tampon commercial where shark-faced lion Toby shows up because he could smell the blood from a mile away and thought it was chum? Yeah, it's about that gross seeing RB's face, so I won't apologize for my mansgretion if you won't apologize for yours, commercial people. Don Draper would NOT approve.
----- Got nervous for a second because a tampon commercial WAS next... but Toby ain't there, just some bitch talking about how much she loves her period or something about other tampon commercials lying to her... I stopped listening as my heart's still skipping beats after I thought I might've summoned some kinda daemon and made my Simbajaws nightmares come true... turns out it's just my heart's way of saying it needs more bacon.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
AND WE'RE BLACK.
 |
| I say the same thing every year about the McRib... never holds true |
----- Oh, New Jason... how is it possible that you get more hideous each week?
----- Hey, Aria... what way exactly did New Jason handle your brother? Get specific and show me pictures please. Side note... subtle reference to Ally and New Jason's Mom who never seems to exist, wonder if this has anything to do with you casting her a few weeks ago in a recurring role that begins tonight.
----- Hey, Aria... what way exactly did New Jason handle your brother? Get specific and show me pictures please. Side note... subtle reference to Ally and New Jason's Mom who never seems to exist, wonder if this has anything to do with you casting her a few weeks ago in a recurring role that begins tonight.
----- Hey, Hannah's hotish dad... Third rule of Fat Club; "There's no such thing as one last dinner or a final meal... not even death can keep us from nomming". Bonus points to Hanna for promoting Fat Club by uttering our motto: "What's for dessert?" before the main course is even done cooking. And oh snap points to her for gettin' sassy with daddy whilst once again uttering the channel's motto (sorta) 'bout his ABC a new kind of family.
----- I literally spit out my Diet Dr Pepper with rage and shock as when I looked up from my computer, I saw Simbajaws eating face with Spencer... and then when I paused it to type this sentence, it freezed on his hideo face. Thanks a lot, assface, you ruined my huuuzbend pillow by existing. Why oh why do God/Bryan M. Goldman who wrote this episode hate me, and why is Hep-C ridden Joaquin Phoenix still on this show?
----- Another brilliant reason why someone (uggo Melissa) isn't around this week. Makes perfect sense that once she found her husband dead she goes out of town for a week to chill on the beach... well at least she's gone this week (or is she?), after that ambush of shark matter, there's no telling what this "Bryan M. Goldman" has up his dick.
----- Two things real quick... 1 - Spencer's outfit isn't hideous... check plus. And 2 - Leave the lying up to Spencer, Mr. Spencer's Dad... she was like two seconds away from you and you clearly weren't on the phone talking about the sure to come in act 5 fashion show... and in regards to your question about if we have anything salty? I do, just open your mouth and give me 5 or so minutes.
----- I swear, Em's Mom... if you're talking about your dildo being under your bed, I feel bad for the monsters at your house.
----- 4 things now: 1 - Spencer, again... outfit not that bad, but not that good either slash borderline picnic tablecloth so don't get cocky... 2 - why are teenagers drinking coffee from two liter mugs and not Diet Dr Pepper? 3 - Not just vampires cover their windows, Spence... fat people do too. It keeps the bacon flavor in... 4 - why is everyone in this town's email their-full-name@exposition-overload.com?
----- It's only been two seconds and I can already relate to Alison's Mom seeing as how she's both drinking a Bloody Mary at like 10am, and she's playing that game I like to play where you ask everyone what they're gonna order (so you can decide what not to get so you don't double up whilst picking off their plate while they're not eating... also, Chinese Chicken Salad, Hanna? You can do better than that, I mean you're rocking a curly side-pony feroshia for pie's sake! How about just a whole Chinese Chicken instead... as an appetizer?
----- It's only been two seconds and I can already relate to Alison's Mom seeing as how she's both drinking a Bloody Mary at like 10am, and she's playing that game I like to play where you ask everyone what they're gonna order (so you can decide what not to get so you don't double up whilst picking off their plate while they're not eating... also, Chinese Chicken Salad, Hanna? You can do better than that, I mean you're rocking a curly side-pony feroshia for pie's sake! How about just a whole Chinese Chicken instead... as an appetizer?
----- Feathers and hot don't go together in fashion, Em... unless you're a bird who lives in Arizona... no wonder you're such a lezbo. Post-grave bitch points to Allison though for telling Hefty H the truth about the dress not having enough stretch to fit her fat ass.
SLUT-MERCIAL BREAK
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 |
| Kiiids... Dinner's ready! Ugh, B-Mary's again? I hate being a Lohan |
----- Spencer, you say her "ordering a second Bloody Mary as her dessert" like it's a bad thing? And Hanna you say "it was her dinner" like it's a bad thing? Well I guess coming from you it is since you can't put frosting on a bloody Mary... or can you?
----- It's a "house", Emily. Not "howse"... go back to Canada, lez.
----- OM-motherfuqin-G... Side Ferocia Mona is back in the nondescript ethnicity flesh... and she brought "judgy stank-faced light skindidid" black girl, and "side eye, u gotta be kidding me, who the fuq is this Spencer bitch" white girls with her. Boner parts have returned. If Noel Kahn shows up in this scene I'm gonna have more problems than a Diet Dr. Pepper stained huuuzbend pillow.
And now it is so... there went DJ Noel McStikuhdikinmyass, and with him went my mashed potatoes all over the comforter... I mean that literally, pervs... but give me 5 and I might get figurative.
----- Lezbos playing dress up... "you should come?" you don't say that when half undressed and looking at your girlfriend, Emily... she'll take it the wrong way. I did and I want nothing to do with your cooch.
----- Astute Aria wants to know if it's possible for someone to black out and not remember a chunk of time... well Arrr Duh Adrian says this bitch has never been super wasted, super roofied, or super "knocked somebody out so you could rape them"... ah the naivete of youth.
----- Hey Hanna, we need to get that DNA test, cuz I dance in front of the fridge to shitty chick-pop before devouring everything inside too... I think we are the same person.
----- "Hungry, Hanna? Asks her semi-DILFy Dad? Uh, bitch you know she is. Also, am I wrong for wishing that Hanna would take the Thai food with her when she storms out of the... oh she threw it away... not cool, Hanna... not cool at all. You broke the 4th rule of Fat Club... "never throw food away, even if it tastes like shit... cuz anything can be made to taste better with ketchup and/or icing".
----- Aria and Fitz are boring, and so are Aria and New Jason... math majors will see the common problem here is Aria... bitch is boring and needs to die. Where is Scream 4 Aria when we need her?
----- Ugh, again with the term "last meal"... might as well be dropping the words "unicorns" and "trolls" like THEY exist too PLL writers... wait trolls do exist... Toby.
----- This week's "shoot me in the face dialogue of trying to sound smart but isn't" goes to New Jason and his anus chin... "We all learn from our mistakes. I just won't make this one again." Please... don't make me kill myself... and the only mistakes being made in Rosewood are made by the casting department at ABC Family.
BITCH-MERCIAL BREAK
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 |
| Oh... my... Mona! These hideous glasses are incrediballs, Spencer! I've never noticed that uggo shark behind u before. |
----- Get a fuqing clue, Spencer... Side pony ferocia Mona is sooo right. If Becky can't walk in heels, she can't display the fashions in the show. End of discussion.
----- Aria's walk is almost as hideous as her outfit... almost.
----- Spencer gets mucho points for reading the Shamblette's Blog and giving some well deserved props by referencing Mona's side pony... we wanna grab it too, Spencer... but not from anger, it's from wanting to harvest it's power. And now so as not to ruin the joy we just experienced, we're gonna delete the image in a gray shirt (hey sharks are gray too!) talking to Spencer backstage.
----- Hi, Quinn. you look a raging dyke with a terrible red dye-job... Ew, lesbians flirting.
----- Mona, it hurts me to say this but... those glasses are SOOOOOO not working on you. Please-to remove at once!
----- Um, yes Noel... I DEFINITELY wanna take a final look... but it won't be final believe you me. How do you feel about blacking out and forgetting an entire night? Every night actually, until you start liking me and I don't have to drug rape-you into not finding me hideous anymore.
COOCH-MERCIAL BREAK
 |
| Spencer we are so fetch. I sorta am, u just look like a flying carpet. |
----- Hanna haven't you seen Scream? You never say "I'll be right back... cuz you won't". Aria was in Scream 4 for like 5 seconds, she should have taught you that.
----- Runner up for line of brilliance, Mr. Hanna's Dad: "You can't patch a hole like that with ginger stir fry". You can if that hole is an Adrian Grenadine mouth. Patch away, Daddy.
----- I don't understand how lezbos work... bitch is asking if she can date someone... I'm with Em on this one, I thought THEY were dating. Snatch me confused here, people.
----- I love bitchy Christian Siriano Mona even more than reggo Mona.
 |
| Hanna's smolder = amazing. Aria's "outfit" = a mess, ZING! |
----- FASHIONS! - Verdict: PLL Outfits, Round 1 - Hideous 3.5, Ferosh 0 -- worst outfit, Aria's body length missionary dress thing... best in show with potential even tho it's making me gag on my french fries: Spencer's Clarice at the beach in 1923 red number. WINNER = MONA! Gah she's even making me feel cool sitting here on my bed with icecream in one hand and the other resting on my middle roll. (side note, random cat calls to people paired with horrible song make this the lamest fashion show ever).
 |
| Damn you, Em... I was gonna dress like a tranny caveman! |
----- FASHIONS! - Verdict: PLL Outfits, Round 2 - Hideous 3.5, Ferosh 0 -- Aria's lezbo butt slap on Spencer was the best thing they were bringin' to the runway. Ditto sans ass slap for Hanna and Emily. Honorable mention goes to Hanna's white tribal number, it was the best worst use of ferosh that these bitches had going for them this round.
 |
| A hand on the hip is worth two in Em's bush. Werk it, Ferocia Jr. |
----- WINNER = MONA AGAIN! This bitch is workin' dat runway like Martha Stewart works sweatshop kids in Thailand, even if her outfit looks like mad shit. But DAYUM, homegirl makes me wanna dive for dem crabby patties. AAAAND DJ Noel Kahn is looking on from afar so that we think he's "A" even though he's not... be still my bacon wrapped heart.
(side note) Did that announcer say Alison "Dihlerinous"? It's DiLaurentis, bitch, you've got one line and you can't even get that right... who do you think you are, Toby?
 |
| Totally reconsidering purple as my fave color now. Thanx, Aria. |
----- FASHIONS! - Verdict: PLL Outfits, Round 3 - Hideous 1 (shocker, it's Aria) Ferosh 3 -- Spencer is killing that plunging neckline and Hanna is tearing up that little black number... even Em in her blue dyke-gear is making me clutch the pearls from dem vapors!
----- And the part we've all been waiting for, the fashion show from HELL! Shit finally gets interesting and all Aria can do is stand around looking like an idiot while Hanna and Emily run backstage to (presumably) find some cake... of course, only Spencer can save the day. It's supposed to look like Noel's behind this... but clearly "A" I mean "MonA" provided the disk that he's allegedly "DJ ing". Bonus points if a big thing of pig's blood drops onto Aria's head... nope, no dice... (Shambles).
DYKE-MERCIAL BREAK
DYKE-MERCIAL BREAK
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 |
| Hideous... party of Two? Come on, Spence that's us. |
----- How are these bitch's post-fashion show fashions more ferosh than said fashions in said fashion show?
----- Is it just me, or does Caleb look extra Keanu slash Native American this week?
----- "A", seriously, did you think no one else would see that shit sprawled out on the screen? Oh it's PLL, if no one saw it in the graveyard, why would anyone other than the main four see it in a big convention center hall? My mistake.
----- Shameless Tresseme product placement... k nothing out of the ordinary here. Ooh Noel's here doing some "look I'm trying to be "A" but I'm not but I'm looking really hot while doing it AND giving some shitty acting in the process." Still nothing out of the ordinary yet... here comes New Jason from behind curtain number 2, let's see if we're proven wrong... nope, still a shitty actor, still an ugly anus chin.
----- Em, don't stay at Hanna's... the last time that happened Caleb got sent away and Hanna lost her virginity. Better yet, I'll help you pack your bags... bring Toby with you.
----- Things to tell your daughter if you wanna sound like an incest-pedo: "I took a lot of pictures" and "you look beautiful". Just make sure you're sitting on the stairs in the dark by the front door like Hanna's Dad or it won't be as effective.
----- From salty to sweet, Mr. Spencer's Dad? I'm both, so bring them bonerz!
----- If people wanted to gawk at the next tragedy, Aria... they'd be staring at your mega-browed face and every outfit you own.
----- "Can I drop you somewhere?" Sure, New Jason... drop Aria on her big five-headed face! Right there on those candles that spell out "A" for no good reason.
TAG - "A" is buying fashions... oh goody. I'm always in the market for hideous boots that don't tease anything but suggest more dangling storylines without resolution are on the way.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
| Weave all got prollemz... but the PLL writing gots issues. |
NEXT WEEK
Looks like New Jason thinks he found the murder weapon and buried it cuz he thinks he killed sis. Cuz it's easier to bury some shit than just throw it away since it's been a year and no one would be able to find it... but right there under your house where that dog in Episode 201 that you kicked was digging... great hiding place. ALSO, I think Spence's Dad isn't hiding anything other than his foreskin sausage in Mrs. D's meat wallet. Just sayin'.
VERDICT???
These writers are really putting up a great argument for why you need to pretend reality and continuity don't exist in Rosewood. I'm sure if I. Marlene and Friends were on the debate team, they'd get an F- for their side of the argument. Reach for the glitter and black gloved stars, PLL writers.
This show is getting more ridiculous by the week... and I'm not sure if it's a good thing anymore... but at least we got some Mona & Noel action and no Fitz or Posh Therapist... we're forgetting that Simbajaws was back with us though, gotta get some mileage outta this whole blackout and forget thing while we can.
Til next week, Bitches! -- "A"
No comments:
Post a Comment