Shambletorial: When life hands you Ugly Betty

Holy poof, Snookie U got Shambles.  Is this cuz I'm black(ish)?

     Today a strange thing happened, even more strange than the time i took off my pants and saw a clitoris... it started out innocently enough.  I was driving to work blaring my B-52's album and screeching along to Rock Lobster with all the strength my fat filled lungs would allow... when tragedy struck, and it kept striking over and over again like corny dialogue on a CBS procedural.  What could have made my otherwise sorta shambled-free day full of the things this blog is made of?  Read on past the jump to find out about this Ugly Betty moment of a day.  You won't be disappointed...

Bitches fix ur bangs and mind that school bus cuz the road's that way

     So let's set the scene shall we?  I'm driving to work singin' my lungs out Glee Project style when all of a sudden I notice that there's a strange odor coming from my car that isn't the usual strange odor of moldy hot dogs and ass juice wrapped in t-rex bacon and doused in jizz.  No kind Shamblers and Shamblette's, it wasn't the usual car smell, it was a burning scent that made me think I was moments away from exploding diharrea style inside my small blue death-trap on wheels.  

     I glanced at the heat meter on my dash and saw that yes, my car was in fact overheating and was all the way up to Noel Kahn hotness: translation, bitch was about to overheat like Tara from True Blood at a lezbo vamp assassin convention.  Seeing as how I was only a mile from work, I took my chances, and gladly made it there without much more trouble.... although my turning the heat on to cool off the car was not helping anything so I began to make a weird half-cry face as terror filled my heart that I may have to part ways with the car that took me 237,000 miles so far.  Fortunately I saw that I was completely out of antifreeze, yet luck was on my side as I had some leftover and filled it up.  Problem solved right?  Wrong, the shambles continued.

If your meter runs THIS hot... then ur ass is boutta need AAA

     Cut to lunch pickup time.  Thinking all's good in the hood I get in my hooptie and drive the 6 miles to the lunch pickup location.  Halfway there everything's fine... then disaster strikes and the car starts to stall and the heat meter goes back to Kahnville!  Mother F shambles, I make it to lunch location and consider trying to get back with lunch and save my job, or stay stuck at lunch location nomming on the writers' food and remembering how nice it was to have a job... Plot twist!  I turned down the food and risked the trip back.  

OMG, hot mess Holmes just get cross the skreet fore I knock u there!

     Now driving at 5 mph with hazard lights going apeshit, I'm realizing my Precious self ain't getting back to work.  So before I decided to call it a day and pull to the side of the road, bitch car starts smoking like Snoop Dogg at a Ice Cube concert and the burning smell returns.  So I high tail it to the side of the road as the car locks up and cuts off. Now I'm trying to turn right and get out of the intersection with what speed is left in the hooptie when, (of fuqing course) low and behold a freaking lazy ass on her cellphone in juicy couture sweatpants rude pedestrian bitch is crossing the street and the momentum my car has is stopped as I pump the breaks and hope I can at least roll to the side of the road without getting fat lazy rude bitch chunks on my hood.  Fortunately I make it safely without killing the bitch that deserves to die... but now there's the matter of how to get the food to the writers and my car out from the line of homeless people staring at the grub from the bus stop my car has found itself stalled in front.

So your intake valve needs lube.  Nah, I'm good with bareback

    30 minutes later, one of the writers drove and got the lunches, I stayed behind like Bruce WIllis in Armageddon and waited for the AAA tow truck guy.  Said tow truck guy arrives and (of course), he is fine as hell.  So after proving that I'm a fat stupid gaywad to the dark skinned hottie AAA guy by being like "uh I might be out of oil" while green jizz is coming out of my car's suspension like Lindsay Lohan after a guacamole festival... AAA hottie signals me with his man hands to get in the truck.

So... Zac...  Do you swallow?

     Now usually I don't take rides from strangers unless they have candy or look like Ted Bundy, but I made an exception this time.  Cut to, silent tow truck ride with hottie, neither of us making eye contact as NPR blasts on about traffic and rising tuition rates when we see (of course) "construction up ahead".  Great, stuck in the car with awkward hottie for a good 20 minutes because someone back in the day who's probably driving a working car right now off their millions didn't correctly install the water mains of Burbank, CA.  Finally we reach the mechanic shop, but instead of reaching for each others' nethers, we reach for each other's hands and I shake all gaywad weak style with hottie I've said like 5 words to and bid him adieu... never to be seen or heard from again.  Shambles gone now?  Still not quite.

I Do!... wanna be/eat that burger.

     Now that hottie is out of the picture, I have unibrow mechanic with thick accent and probs and equally thick ween based on his stature to deal with.  Homeboy is really nice, but this was of course during lunch time so he was like, gimme the keys and after I eat my lunch I'll get back to you on cost and damage.  Normally I'd be like, "oh no bitch, rude"... but I snuck a peak at his lunch and home slice was nomming a Marie Calendar microwavable meal... I nearly asked him to marry me then.  So car was dropped off and I had the mile to the office left to walk in the hot sun (I chose to walk, writers offered to pick me up but I wanted some iPod time).

Oh look... Office space for rent!

     You'd think this is where the story gets even worse, but this is the best part.  I was chillin' with my iPod on getting the beats going with my jeans rolled up like some kinda gaywad Huckleberry Finn, when I see a sign for office space available to my left.  Trying to be the good little assistant I am I called the number and damn if it wasn't a fellow gay on the other end who had office space avail for the time when we move in the next little bit.  In the end during my mile plus sun walk I may have saved the office shambles day, all while everything else in my life died and fell apart... oh the life of an Ugly Betty assistant... in the end it all works out, but in the beginning and middle you wish you could kill a bitch in juicy cotoure.

Caynt stand you, bitch.  Bad JuJu your way like whoa.

     Needless to say though folks, due to the current car shambles, I may A) be sleeping in the office tonight and raiding the fridge of it's contents while here and B) a little behind on the blogs for the next few days while I work this shit out.  So please to keep posted for new posts, and please to also tell your friends and bitches you caynt stand who don't know about the blog to get into it because I could really use some more good in my life right now to shamble out the shambles I've experienced post birthday awesome that was yesterday.  Oh and feel free to leave some love in the comments if you so desire... I need all the good juju I can get considering this adventure to pickup lunch is gonna cost me about 700 clams.    All together now... SHAMBLES!!