True Blood Redux: I don't do book clubs, Hookuh

Don't let the separation discourage you... Bill and Sookie 4ever!

     Howdy hobags, fellow Muggles and Fang Bangers.   Adrien Grenadine here as always with your weekly thoughts on all things True Blood.  I'm so exclusive I got to peep at this Sunday's episode before the rest of the world, but this ain't no pre-cum redux for all the losers who need something to tide their carnal desires over until they get to see the haps of Bon Temps, this is a place for those who've already seen the ep... so I waited to post until the rest of the chess club got to see the insanity.  Now that we're all one the same bloody page, it's time to take off your clothes, tighten your braids, and get on in here to see what you might've missed during this week's episode...

Maryanne, Jessica, New Tara, and Lafayette have some thoughts...

     Fret not, bia bia's, ain't no spoilers here... but I will provide enough information from last night to get your nether-juices bubbling with bad-southern-accent excitement.  To start off, this eppy's called "You Smell Like Dinner", and that's just the first of many things I loved about this week's installment, (which featured prominent tittays and man-bush)...

     ------ANDY, CRYSTAL, JASON------

So glad my mirror's ungodly far away so we could get this shot.

Andy:  Hope you have your magnifying glasses on, bitches... cuz Andy only got about a scene and a half in this episode.  But what little screen time he did have he is workin' like Ferocia on the runway cuz homegirlboy has been hittin' the gym or something right?  Cereally, the new Sheriff in town looks like he's been buffing up in between hits of V-juice.  I never thought I'd say this, but if he keeps it up I might have to change his boo status from "Maybe, if I was under Maryanne's Maenad spell" to "Probably wouldn't kick him outta bed"

Crystal:   Yes, everyone's favorite meth-face werepanther is back and she is all kinda hopped up on that V like Shereff Bellefleur.  Oh, and her return isn't as useless as her incestuously atrocious voice may have you believe... cuz she and her surprise guest in waiting weren't just showing they tittays for no good reason, but to spoil their plan would also spoil my appetite, and we can't have that (even if it's medically impossible).

Jason:  See "Crystal" above if you wanna know who Officer Hotbody shares most of his scenes with.  Snoozefest, I know... however, the first time that we see Master-J is super hot in my pedo-freak mind, and his "position" the rest of the ep ain't bad either (it's also not the first time he's held said position).  I have to say though that I hope upon hope the cliffhanger at the end of his arc this eppy sticks, and isn't some bullshit for-the-sake-of-shock-value out they used to make Jason's scene-mates less useless.  Nom nom bitches.

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-----SNOOKIE, BEEL, NAN, ERIC-----

You're more boring, Anna.  No you are... I'm bisexual.  Oh, me too.

Sookie:  Homegirl's year in fairyland has led to some ferosh hair extensions.  Bitch opened the ep with the hottest hair she's had since season 1's indestructibly awesome side pony of death.  Blah, blah, Sook's in peril and hates Eric even though she knows she wants his dead dick inside her fairy cooch of dreams.  More blah blah to Sam.. "oh, le sigh... so sorry I was gone for a year and came back better looking while you continue to look more and more like shit"... hilario line about book clubs... then the end.

Bill:  Boring, snooze, sleep with hot librarian fake-witch, I'm King and we see how that came to be (useless part 1 is gone now so that's good) and... wait a minute... 1980's British Bill is workin' that goth look and playing face-fug eyes with that hideo male bartender.  Here at The Shamblette's we hate these stupid flashback's, but this one wasn't so bad as we barely recognized Bill and he wasn't talking about Sookie every five minutes like a kid who has to shit on a road trip through Nobathroomville (story of my shambled life).  And that's all you get on King Bill and his creepy GaGa hands cuz I'm getting bored and hungry.

Nan:  Still in the running for "most likely to be the new Pam".  Say hi to the 80's for me, Nanny... and bring me back some assless chaps from "The Authority". 

Eric:  Still looks tired, still needs better concealer... still Lady gaga over Sookie.  Wait a minute now he's kicking witch ass... now he's... oh, ok I like what happened there.  This'll be fun for about 6 episodes, much longer though and I might have to complete the circle and chant random words while looking in the mirror to hopefully suffer Eric's same fate... but let's deal with that when this whole "new Eric" thing pans out and rejoice that we made it yet another week without a snooze-worthy Godric flashback.  Random sidebar... what happened to Eric's shirt after he lost his mind?  I mean don't get me wrong, I'm all for a tall Adonis walking aimlessly down the street that's dumber than a box of Speidis... but come on, Alan Ball... little more subtle on the fangirls and boys Eric-oozing please?

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-----TARA, LAFAYETTE, SATAN JESUS------

Stay still so peeps won't notice the best thing about me is this polo

Tara:  Still black, still a lez, still amazing hair... this bitch is back in Bon Temps and wishing she wasn't soon into her journey.  A brief call with Asio-ish girl boo-parts keeps her away from some Vamp-witch shambles... but not for long.  It's nice to see Tara back in her element and no longer quivering that damn bottom lip of hers, and it's nice to see her and Lafayette back in their cousinly banter of awesomeness... but what's not awesome is how down she was with just getting in two words with Sookie and then being cool that homegirl decides to bounce before they get a chance to nom on that ice cream.

Lafayette:  Still black, still a gay, still terrible hair.  Laf was his usual badass self this week, but added to the no-hawk of 70's afro pubes on his head was what looked like a rat tail or something coming down the back (Kiki informed me she saw him recently in real life and he was rocking like a whole ThanksKilling bird on his head, so I assume this look gets worse from week to week).  Oh and, Laf I realize you read this blog and saw my post on Male side ponies, but a rat tail is soo not the same thing.  
     After some crazy sauce gets spread at the local wiccan joint, Laf and friends join hands, but the powers of the Naboo or whatever the hell it is doesn't seem to get krazy krunk until our favorite dragitha short order cook takes the hands of his neighbors... methinks Laf is some kinda conduit or key to this whole Wizards of Waverly Place thing, and that's why devil-face-who-won't-die Jesus was/is drawn to his mega-ween. 

Jesus:  Still useless, still annoying, still terrible facial hair.  There's only room for one badass witch in my life, and that spot's already been taken by Big Love Lois Henrickson's daughter Holly Clearly (clearly)... so get your ass back to Grey's Anatomy or wherever you came from but haven't been killed off yet Jesus, and away from my TV Sunday's at 10/9 central... kthanksbai.

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     -----SAM, TOMMY, LUNA AND FRIENDS------

Tommy, U know your pink rocket thing's coming out again right?  Yeah.

Sam:  It's called a brush, Sam... look in to it.  I liked peeping your ass this ep as usual, but that, especially paired with floppy tits Luna, just isn't enough anymore.  BTDubbs, Sam I'm thinking flop-teez is gonna kick it before season's end, if for no other reason than that she's interested in your nethers and your boo-parts track record is about as brag-worthy as Sidney Precott's.  So get over her and the other useless-oh's, invest in a visit to the Shreveport Supercuts, and keep those clothes off because you're bringin' my bone waaay down so far in Season 4.

Tommy:  Nice bush, Tom... what else you got for me?  I swear the camera work on this show to hide the bottom half of Tommy's nethers never ceases to amaze me.  Kudos to Tommy for having a random dude-friend with him at Merlotte's this week that made me imagine the two of them boning (sorry, can't help it, Luna was taking all the attention in the scene and you can read between the lines about how I feel about her).  But I digress, Tommy pubetones still has his new tidalwave hairdoo to go with his born again makeover, and I kinda like it because it makes him look more rapeable in a "come help me move this couch into my van" kinda way.

Luna and Friends:  K, L-bone we saw your tits, now will you go away?  How about now?  Methinks you and the other useless blobs of expository dialogue are only here to set up what you talked about around the campfire... something about being able to shift into another human but only if you kill someone in your family or something (paraphrasing here).  Now, who among us has issues with a relative, AND has the ability to shift?  hmmm, I truly do wonder, (check your pubes without a brush if you're scratching your head over this one -- or just look up one and two paragraphs for the answer to my Sam/Tommy/Luna relevancy theory)

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-----TERRY, ARLENE, HOLLY------

Bless the children... nah bump that, kill dem bitches

Terry:  I combined these three because of the (I hope) inevitable union later in the season, but (sadly) all signs seem to be pointing to "I'm not gonna get my wish" (unless Arlene kills the bebeh, feels bad, and they bring it back to life-- ugh).  Anyway, Terry is still charming and a good daddy, even though his not-biological offspring is poppin' eye vessles like coochies on a saturday night at Chuck-E-Cheese.  And that's all I gotta say about that.

Arlene:  Her wig/real hair is starting to look a hot mess, but that's probs cuz she wants to exorcise the demons in her bebeh.  Keep up the crazy, Arlene... potential baby killing with questionably awesome hair is sooo in this season.

Holly:  Still crazy-appealing to me for no apparent reason other than those damn pigtails and "gurrl, ya potions is all kindsa wrong" faces she makes.  Plus, Home Gurl steps up in the face of danger to help out her witch master, so you know bitch got'cha back in a bind.  Methinks Holly might take over for Lady Mumbleaid should granny kick it... and I'm kinda hoping she does (but not before some kickass witchiness first).

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-----JESSICA, HOYT, HOTTIE, PAM------

Protesting Humans have no sense of fashions... right, Hoyt?  Hoyt?

Jessica:  Bitch is horny AND hungry (I can relate).  And she sure as hell can "eat who she wants" (amen, sista).  Honestly, I'm loving spiralling-outta-control Jessica, and I hope the bitch goes on a killing spree when her loins get pent up enough.  Only time will tell, but until then I'd like some more scenes of her nomming on fang banger hottie please.

Hoyt:  You know how a little puppy is cute when it makes that whiny noise, and then ten seasons minutes later when it's still making that noise you kinda wanna kick it in the face?  Well I do, and for those less astute readers in Crystal's incest family... Hoyt is the puppy.

Pam:  I've saved the best for last.  Ferocia is in full force per usual this week.  She's honest with Sookie, motherly with Jessica, and faboosh in everything she says and does... seriously, this bitch could make taking a dump look worthy of a ten page spread in Italian Vogue.  Good job once again, old face... can't wait for more from you next week/always.
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     So there we have it.  What did you think of this week's ep?  Let me know in the comments... or don't, either way I'm probably still gonna make fun of you with a 4th of Jew-lie turkey leg in hand.  Don't say I didn't warn you, and don't say I never gave you nothing cuz this was supposed to be my day off.  See you sluts tomorrow for a full two-post day.