Good Shitty Movies: Please-To Be Mine... Or Die

I already ate the one that says "Do you make bigger tampons?"

     What do Denise Shitturds, Deputy Judy Hicks from Scream 4 (Hey Gurl Hey), David Boreanaz (emphasis on BORE), that lezbo chick from Grey's Anatomy, that useless bitch from Urban Legends 2: Final Cut (bad shitty movie), AJ from Empire Records, some semi-boneable dude named Woody Jeffrey, bad dialogue, shitty acting, and Katherine contract-dodging, Asian-bebeh adopting Heigl have in common?  Nope, it's not herpes (I don't think), it's this edition's Good Shitty Movie suggestion... and you'd better read on for all the beating heart deets or you ain't getting no candy hearts from me with "Stick it in me" written on top.  But what shitty feature could it be?  Well if you haven't figured it out by now, it's 2001's...
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Valentine:

The only thing this box is missing is a Surgeon General's warning.

     You may notice that this column seems to be running on a theme of horror movies... well don't hate, Hobags because the best shitty movies are all Horrors... whether they intend to be or not.  So this flick, which is more of a Comedy than Horror whether it intended to or not, is a must see for many reasons... but my most favorite reason other than the bitter former fatty who talks like her mouth is sewn shut and probably should be, is that...SPOILER ALERT!!!.......

Talk about Deadpan... ZING!

 ................>>>>>  Katherine Heigl bites it big time in her fat, during Roswell slash pre-Greys Anatomy face within the first 10 minutes, but not in a cool Drew B Scream kinda way.  More like in a "Oh God this chick really thinks she's a star and seriously why is she working late in a morgue slash working in a morgue in the first place" kinda way.  Stoopid bitch.  But once she's outta our face-parts, the real comedy starts and we can pretend we didn't have to peep that chipmunk-faced beech in the first place, and can go on enjoying our popcorn and triple Baconator movie snax in peace.

Different movie.  Same title.  Same terrifying experience.

     So, this opus be about 4 bitches who were mean to a nerd alert back in the day, and now as adults are getting shitty death Valentine's PLL "A" style while also being picked off one by one by a bebeh faced cherub of death.  I won't spoil who the killer is or how it ends, but it's not hard to put it together when you look at the movie poster slash realize there's only one male in the movie worthy of a "starring" title.  
     Bonus points to the casting peeps for giving work to countless shit-listers who's careers are deader than a body in Katherine Heigl's morgue slash not-dead-but-might-as-well be-considering-the-shows-they're-on and movie's they're doing.  But enough of my gabbin', peep some dialogue and trivia below from this work of Shamspearian delight to see just what the fuss over thez shitty CVS Pharmacy chocolates are all about...

Don't be scurrd, bitch.  It's just shitty wallpaper.

Trivia to die for... or at least to kill yourself over knowing.  With commentary!:

----- In one scene, Kat tells Dorothy that her boyfriend, Adam Carr (David Boreanaz), is 'no angel'. This is, of course, referring to Boreanaz's "hit" TV series, Angel. [badumpchuh! Eye roll]

----- During the original casting process, Tara Reid played "Dorothy Wheeler' (now played by Jessica Capshaw) and Jennifer Love Hewitt played "Paige Prescott" (now played by Denise Richards). [Upgrade with "Dorothy", Downgrade with "Paige"... actually no, just as shitty]

----- The role of Lily Voight was expanded to suit the talents of Jessica Cauffiel. [Define "talents"... and who the fuq is Jessica Cauffiel?  And was the role like, half a line before?  Cuz she gets like 10 lines in the total scheme of things.]

----- Katherine Heigl didn't read the whole script before accepting her role. In a 2005 magazine interview, she said she regretted the decision after seeing the final cut of the film. [What a shocker, K Hoe-gle blames a shitty product on the writers and not her shitty acting.  Hindsight's 20/20 K-Ho, but you're just a blurry mess]

----- Taglines that sound like lines from ThanksKilling include:  "Scared to be alone on Valentine's Day?  You should be.", "This Valentine's Day is gonna be killer!", "Roses are red, and so is blood. Candy is sweet, and so is revenge", and my personal favorite for having nothing to do with anything Valentines or this movie: "1... 2... 3... Are you ready to die?"

Does somebody wanna be my valentine?  No, Denise someone wants to kill you... me.

And finally some shitty dialogue to round out the review:

Dorothy Wheeler: When you're old enough to rent a car, we can talk about your role as my stepmother. 

Paige Prescott: Detective Vaughn, please remove your hand from my thigh.
Det. Leon Vaughn: Okay, where would you like me to put it?
Paige Prescott: How about up your ass?

[Kate finds Adam drinking]
Kate Davies: Which one of the twelve steps this?
Adam Carr: Kate! There you are. You know, I have been looking all over for you.
Kate Davies: And I wasn't at the bottom of the bottle? 

[Shelley reads her Valentine]
Shelley Fisher: The journey of love is an arduous trek, My love grows for you as you bleed from your neck.

[Dorothy reads her Valentine]
Dorothy Wheeler: Roses are red, Violets are Blue, They'll need dental records to identify you.
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Don't worry Buffy, er Judy, er Kate.  I'll killtect you.

     Words cannot describe how "right now" you need to Netflix this shit, but I'm trying my carbiest to persuade you with the ones above.  So get off your Precious ass, make 16 pissas, and devour this good shitty film as quick as you'll devour said pissas.  You won't regret it, but even if you do... at least you got some good nom time in.

Peep the closest thing to a trailer I could find below if you're in the mood for something "awesomely" bad, sorry I couldn't embed it, the link is being a hobag...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0--8rRhkyUA&feature=related