The Bitch List: Donating Feathered Barricades

Then I let him gap-tooth fuq me... yeah, that small.

     Hey there, Ween Faces and Vag Heads.  We're back for another week of mayhem and bacon nomming.  And in case you have the memory of Amy Winehouse after a rehab lesson (too soon?), let me remind you of the shorter, yet better like a hyper-mini-dick posts from here on out.  Cuz like a 6 year old with ADD and a bad herpes infection, I know not everyone has a big attention span.  But enough gabbin' about post-toddler herpes, we got some bitchin' to do.  And this week we're sticking with 3 bitches, one of which (#2) is the queen of my bitchlist.  So jump in this shit and see what's already getting the sour end of my bitch dick this week...

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ASPCA Commercials:

I'm with you, Chance... This bitch is boring.  And those fashions!  SHE'S the one who needs help.

     For those not in the know, ASPCA is The American Society Against the Cruelty of Animals, and while I support their efforts and what they're all about, I DON'T support their commercials which rely on sappy music and sad cute animals asking for said support.  Honestly, I don't need to be bombarded with blasts from the past Sarah McLachlan, Aunt Jackie, Roberta Flack, or Hot In Cleveland man-chick Wendy Malick to tell me to donate so that I can save a little cat or dog's life, cuz frankly it's just the animal version of those "save this minority who can't eat by sending money" ads... and I hate those too.
     Lissy up, folks.  Just cuz someone's a Mexican or a dog that lives in a cage outside, doesn't mean they're helpless... it means whoever put them there needs a swift kick in the ass, not 75 cents a day from me.  SIDE NOTE:  Why don't you show some happy animals that are fed/groomed etc to show successes of what the donations are doing, instead of what you rich celebs getting paid to do this shitty commercial aren't.
     In all for real, with the exception of that weird guy Willard with rats down the hall, that guy Joe with all the roaches in his apartment (hey Boo), or that lady who masturbates herself with snakes when she thinks no one's looking... I know that cats and dogs are the main pets in the world, but there are other animals that aren't cats and dogs too, ASPCA... so don't be racist, bitches.
     Also, it's not a gift if you're obligating me to pay it.  AND, I get it that the stuffed animal and shirt comes with my "donation", but maybe if y'all spent more money on the living animals and not on cheap shitty sweatshop shirts that no one wants, then maybe Lassie and Garfield would be able to eat without you stealing my money in order to do it. 

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Birds:

Polly wanna golden shower?

     So many reasons why these shits top my bitch list.  But the main ones are obvious: they shit on your windows/everything, wake me up with their stupid chirping, and frankly they're scary as hell cuz they used to be dinosaurs.  I mean, dayum... their creepy eyes alone make me wanna stab the closest thing to me in order to release the fear brewing within me besides bacon and ranch dressing.
     Cerealously, I'd rather take a shower with a Jew during the Holocaust than have a bird as a pet. (too soon?)   That's how much I hate/fear birds.  And don't get me started on the big ones like Ostriches and the like that can run faster than your Volkswagon Jetta and have talons the size of last night's Baconator and cake dinner... cuz those things are just T-Rex cousins waiting to Jurassic Park your face off and, like Toby from Pretty Little Liars, should be considered beasts instead of birds.  No wonder the ASPCA only features dogs and cats.

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Slow walkers in front of me: 

Back Left With Glasses and Black Tank-top bitch in the back agree: "They best not run outta Funyuns"

     Please-to kill yourself if you're one of these people.  Can't you see I'm trynna get in line at Wendy's before you and your group of stupid blobs of flesh you call friends get up there and take all day?  But no, as I walk briskly for the first time in my life, you decide to go slow and block off all walkway with the combo of fleshy ass and arms out while talking animatedly.  I try to make my move, but you and your kind move to the side blocking me from getting by.  It's like the hair on your fat asses can sense movement and my Precious presence behind you sets you into barricade mode or something.
    It really pisses me off, so I have to walk real slow behind you and wait for a break in the Berlin Wall... but in the mean time, I pretend to be looking at my phone when really I wanna Scream 4 you in the back of the head with it.  Hopefully a break comes when one of you stops to take a picture or eat something, but if it doesn't I have to stay behind you while in line or wherever I'm at, listening to you talk about things not related to bacon or black people, and that just makes me even more pissed... leading me to supersize my combo in an effort to hate-eat away all my anger... but like trying to get you outta my way, it never seems to work.  Shambles indeed.
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Amen to that FML sass hand, Back Of Line Gay White Dude next to SARS Mask Chick.  Ur life is truly Shambles.

     So there you have it, the new and improved abridged posting you should start getting used to around here.  If you don't like it, let me know... if you do... let me know.  That's what the comments slash gifts of satty fats are for.  Operators are standing by, cuz we can't seem to get around these fat asses with pet birds donating to the ASPCA that are walking in front of us... so we'll be here until either their blood pressure or our Scream 4 rage gets rid of them.  Either way we're still gonna go with that supersized number 7... and as long as Diet Dr. Pepper still exists, we're still gonna have more things to bitch about around here.