Nerd Alert! Your Lesson In Ferosh Be Hurr

Dayyyym, Brad G... You is be workin' the hell outta that bow-tie.  Now friend that drunk bitch in the background.

     Get out those sweat-rags, Hobags cuz Imma 'bout to make you sweat over the faboosh selections in the 5 food groups of life in this week's Nerd Alert.  It's like a yard sale swarming with street people this week cuz we got mad stuff for all kindsa Shamblers and Shamblette's.  We got stuff for the kiddies, stuff for the gays (that isn't made of flesh), stuff for the racists, stuff for the weirdos, and finally... stuff for Asians and losers with no friends (the two may or may not be the same thing in this case).  But what could all this stuff be?  And how-to is it so ferosh?  Take the jump with me (if we can manage to get our fatasses off the ground) to find out, in this FINAL full-length post to bless you eyeparts...

BOOK:   Go The Fuq To Sleep

Talk about knee deep in pussy.

     This book is a must, it was given as a gift to me from the ever-on-top-of-her-shit, Shamblette Jim.  Bitch knows how to find a good poop or sass related book every year, and this year she once again did not disappoint.
     If you're not familiar with this book, it looks and reads just like a chilrenz book, but every page ends with "go the Fuq to sleep".  If you have kids (bless your dumb ass) I'm sure you know what it's like when little Unshenique and Booqeena just won't shut the fuq up and go to sleep while you're reading to them.  What parent doesn't wish their little Lavantavia wouldn't put down that glass of Hennessey and just fall asleep so mamma can gets herz wif daddy in the kitchen (daddy of course meaning extra large pizza).

Bitch I said it's nap nap time.  Don't fuq with me.

     My fave page is the one where the hot nerdy white Dad is at the door and his stankin' ass bitch baby is still awake, for some reason I imagine that I'm in the hallway and dork dad is choosing me over his chillenz (a boy can dream).  But back to reality where my life is hobagless and people actually care about their children... this book is a must have if for no other reason than as a conversation piece... and if anyone gives you lip about it you can Chris Brown them out while gently whispering "Go the Fuq to sleep" as they fall unconscious to the ground.

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TV:   The A-List: New York

Only one of us is a top... and she couldn't make it.

     Since I'm contractually obliged to mention LOGO or one of it's shows every week, this week's TV rec is LOGO's version of the Housewives franchise... but as they so eloquently put it, this show is "housewives with balls".

     It follows 5ish gay dudes that are allegedly faboosh, but if they were they wouldn't need to go on a show that follows them around as they get plucked, tanned, and botoxed.  I will however say that this show is soooo much fun to watch because these trainwrex are just so damn catty... and who doesn't love two queeny bitches throwin' bows in between sucking bones seshes?

TJ's laughing cuz the stick finally fell outta Reichen's ass.

     Favorites are Derek (hideous, but a riot), Ryan (hideous but a fuqing riot), and TJ (hideous but a mother fuqing riot).  Rounding out team useless in the cast are Mike (less hideous but has a sense of not-trash so usually fades into the background) and Reichen & Rodiney (think Jersey Shore's Sammi and Ronnie, AKA - boring couple that fights and breaks up then gets back together and all along you wish for more Snooki (Derek)  and J-Wow (TJ).  The last of the cast is Austin, who's cute but plays the villain role... and this season some black chick joins the cast in order to take care of the token black and girl parts all in one fell casting swoop.  

     I don't need to get into the specifics other than the awesome trashyness that this show is... but think booze, parties, events, making up words like "vagenious" and "tragicistan", fights, and bromance with a gay twist and you get the Shamblette's Blog gAy List gyst.  So check out the season 2 premiere Monday 7/25 on LOGO... or you will have your gay card revoked.

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MOVIE:   Higher Learning

I thought this shit had the Wu-Tang Clan & was about smokin' Dope?  No, that was Ghost Dad.  Oh.

     This shit is like a rape dick in your ass, longer than you'd like, but enjoyable in parts and constantly spitting shit at you that's hard to swallow.  The film is soooo 90's, but that's not a bad thing as it's nice to see Ice Cube when he still had a pair, Busta Rhymes/Kristy Swanson when they still had a career, and Tyra Banks when she still had a 25 inch waist.  The cast also features Jennifer Connelly as a (shocker) lezboish hippy, Lawrence Fishburn as a tough love professor with an accent that's more unnecessary than socks with sandles, and Michael Rapaport before he was (SPOILER) "that annoying guy who got eaten in Deep Blue Sea".

Talk about raging lezbo Nerd Alert... Werk it J-Conn

     The flick is about a group of college students at a "Columbus" University, and the drama that ensues when racism starts to teach the kids more than a pedo teaches a 2 year old the word rape.  Caution ahead though, if you actually listen to me for once and watch the flick, then I hope you like the N word... cuz that shit makes more cameos than an uneven character or ridic storyline in an episode of Glee.

My acting is about as real as this hair, and about as good as this look.

     I won't spoil the "bitch please over the top with dramatics" ending... but I will say that there are guns, death, and (vomit) peace rallies involved.  But all for cereal, the movie may run a bit too long like a racially profiled minority from the police, and it may seem like the white people are the bad ones while the black people are just crazy for their paranoia over the racist whities, but it's definitely worth a watch because it really does deal with the issues of rape, sassy black bitches, Tyra's terrible acting, and also racial profiling and issues in the country/world, 'cept within' the walls of a University setting... and I'll take peeking inside those racist walls over sweaty vaginal ones any day.
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MUSIC:   Leslie Hall (formerly Leslie & The Lys)

Can't fight these Jamz

     I'll keep this brief cuz the images and music speak for themselves.  I've had the pleasure to meet and socialize with Leslie and she is one of the nicest, most humble people I've ever met.  Bitch is mad confident, will sing for you anywhere (see AWESOME below for something I'm sure she owns), and loves what she does... and boy does she does it well.

Unbe-weave-ably Faboosh!

      Lezzy Leslie is a beat droppin' Queen Ferocia from Ames, Iowa who has a vast collection of gem sweaters, is an ordained priest who holds gay marriages on her tour bus and will bless and officiate you and yours for like 500 bucks, and makes all her beats on her apple laptop.  L has been on Yo Gabba Gabba (so she loves the kidz), and has dropped like 4 albums... but my most favoritest is "Cewebrity", the artwork of which is prominently displayed two pics above.

Have U ever seen the wolf cry, to the Gold Corn Moooon?

     Leslie declares herself "Mother Gem" and her devoted followers of which I am one, are known as "Junior gems".  She also claims she's "born to give the gift of jams", and give she surely does.  She loves her state of fattiness as much as her home start of Iowa (even though she recntly went vegan and is lookin' real skinny bitch these days), and encourages kids and adults alike to love the love handles, and respect the rolls.  I'm not gonna talk trash about Leslie cuz I appreciate her, her fashionz, and the confidence she has with what she does... so I'll just link to some vids below so you can check her out yourself. (prepare for weirdly awesome strangeness).
     And even if you don't like her music pus per-say, you are most def sure to love her and all the strangeness that fills those gold stretch pants of faboosh.  But know this, she doesn't just rap about body rolls and Fritos, she also knows a thing or two about pop culture shit... AND she's an actress so you know she's like Bacon Chilli Doritos; a triple threat that needs to be discovered.
     Now enjoy these links, Hobags, cuz her new album "Destination Friendship" is on it's way later this year... and it includes her new single "Hydrate Jirate" (first video below) which features the line "Momma needs a snack break, wish i brought a piece of cake" and "Turn up the TV cuz Roseanne is on"... as well as some fashions Leslie made (on the dancers) and one hot ass beat slash message to the world...

Now here's a taste of her acting skillz, slash her better/video version of Nerd Alert...

And just in case you're hungry for more... Here's a taste of her music from CeWEBrity, featuring Elvira, and dem side pony rockin' bitches known as the Lys...

View her youtube video page to see more awesome vids - HERE

View her official site (to see gem sweaters and get a better sense of her awesome) - HERE

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AWESOME:   Personal Karaoke Machines

Once you go black, you never go back... to the Karaoke bar.

     Leave it to some Asians to come up with this shit... looks more like she's practicing tossing salad than singin' the latest Britney track, but anything that gives me fodder to talk shit about some idiot in a picture is reason enough for me to feature it on the Shamblettes.  
     I'm not sure how these work, I guess you sing in to the mic thingy and it muffs your voice so you don't disturb the neighbors while they're trying to bone and bury that body... but either way this shit seems awesome enough to mention because what idiot doesn't wanna drop 30 bones to look like an idiot?  And you don't know how many times I've been at and Overeaters Anonymous meeting and wished I could sing Karaoke to myself in shame.  Well now I can, and so can you.  So like sex, who needs friends or a life when you can do it all yourself at home?