Gays Do It Better: Ambiguous Mom Sex

That's right, Seth... cup the balls like that while I suck on my fingers

      Well hello there poon and ween nommers, Adrian Grenadine here as always with the gaylight of my week.  That's right, it's time for me to tell you straights, lezzies, gayz, and bi'z why three out of four of you are better than the first.  This week's collection of gay truth is quite special, but not in a short-bus way of course... special in that it involves you, your mom(s), and things that rhyme with dick sucking and coochie eating... I'm of course talking about dick sucking and coochie eating... but fret not loyal Shamblette's, Imma keep this shit as g-spot rated as I can since we're trying out our new format.  So without further a-jew, hide the kiddies and chilrenz if you know what's good for you...

Gays Do It Better... LOOK LIKE THE OPPOSITE SEX

That rose isn't the only pink thing pinned on me

     That's right gaydies and lezentlemen, Gay's are just better than Straights at looking like the opposite sex.  Call it the gay gene or whatever, but even the doucheiest man-douche can look like the hottest bitch in duh club if he prefers the pole over the hole.  And that chick can rock a mad dick if she's got softball and ladywood on her mind like Snoop Dawg got his money. 

Man, Tony... look at that smokin' hot dick chick

      I think part of it is that those who prefer to taste gennies resembling their own realize that gender is fluid (tee hee), or at least they seem to have more of an innate ability to pull off the gender bender look than your typical frat boy or girl who only goes gay when they're wasted and can blame the alcohol slash drop the infamous line "I've never done anything like this before" just as they're opening up or extending tongue for said under-nether activities (more on that below btw... no poon intended). 

Problem Officer?  Yeah, your dick is hanging out.

     Is this conclusion I'm drawing a generalization on my part solely based on the fact that  the gay community is more often seen in drag and thus I can't compare the results to straight people and automatically assume gays look better when dressed up like their sexual opposites... Does Oprah have sex with Gayle while looking at reruns of her show from when she was still skinny?  Of course, but I've never claimed to be friggen Wikipedia here so don't arrest me for stating my opinion.  I'm just going by what I've seen and until I mistake Sylvester Stallone for Kristin Chenowith in duh club, I'm sticking to my guns like a redneck at a flea market.

Damn, Wesley... u workin' dem piggy braids like it's overtime.

     Are there exceptions to the rule?  Of course, we've all seen our fair share of hot tranny messes.  And it's true there are straight guys and gals who when participating in their local Powderpuff game or Costume party look good enough to eat or slurp... but those exceptions prove the rule, and I think we all know I'm right... Gays are just better at being Feoricia's and Ferosh's than their straight counterparts.  But don't get your manties in a wad, Straighties... cuz this next one is gonna set the record straight... er... even so we can all benefit.

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Gays Do It Better... GET ALONG WITH YOUR MOM

If only you liked Cher and Madonna I wouldn't have to do this!

     Need someone to help smooth things out with Mom after you date-raped that 16 year old and now she's preggo with 8 babies and has a staf infection on her cooch that spread to your nethers?  No problem, hobag... gays can tell your Moms the truth over an appletini and appetizers at the local Chili's. 
     Husband hit you Chris Brown style after you wouldn't stop talking about how much you loved The Talk while he was trying to watch Ice Road Truckers?  No need to go to the cops or feel embarrassed to tell Mommy dearest, because the gays are here to make things right and break all the juicy gossip to the woman that brought you in to this world through her juicy thighs... even if you can't.

Ooh dat ring ferosh.  Now tell me about Brad's wiener issue again?

     We gays don't give a shit what the drama is, and we think your mom is one classy broad.  So what if you and her are fighting over who has better tittays?  Gays don't care, we're just there to pass on the news and at the same time siphon out some fresh scoop in case we need it to blackmail you later.  Gays have it better than you because you might be the daughter from hell, or the son who thinks Mom's an overbearing bitch... but a gay is both the perfect daughter (cuz we're not daughters) AND the perfect son (cuz we're still attached to those bitches by the rhinestone encrusted umbilical cord).
     Who cares if our Mom's won't talk to us because we're gay and they're ashamed of us... yours will.  And ain't no sweat off either of our well manicured backs if things go sour with your Madre, cuz the stock of gays and Moms is like the line of twinkie aids-banks standing outside the sleezy producer's office... that shit won't ever run out, even if you do.

Hey, Blue Sweater... turn left and stick out your tongue

      Lesbians apply here too folks.  They're better friends with gays' Mom's because they'll play sports and mack on chicks unlike Mom's gay son... AND if things get real flannel and Burkenstocky, Mom and Lezzy McGuire bestie can take a dive in the local clambake and POOF, now you got two Moms, Mr. Fruitypants.
     So the next time you and Mom get into a fight, realize the gays are here to make it all right.  And if you and Mom get along fine, watch out... cuz gays will get along with her better...  trust.

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Gays Do It Better... ORAL SEXES

Sorry, Heidi Bot... It's sooo not the same thing.

     Now this one's more obvious than Hugh Jackman at a Broadway show.  Clearly Gays are better at suckin' a "D" and eatin' a "P" than Straights because of the whole home-court advantage.  Just think about it, who's gonna be better at workin' that shit the way it's meant to be worked than someone who's been workin' said shit since the first time they saw Dirty Dancing or Basic Instinct?
     Sure you can learn pointers or whatever as you go along, but a sea of pointers isn't gonna teach you dick about how to properly cup the scrotes while also playing the harmonica with the sucking power of Steven Styler's excess lip fat.  No amount of ice cream cone licking can teach you how to properly work the Tori Amos while also engaging in a 2-4 finger deep discount of cuchina if you know what I mean. (and if you don't, then you've never traveled to Pussylvania and can sashay your ass right on to the the next paragraph).

Sorry, Dude.  Still not as good as if you did it yourself.

     Now I'm no Kardashian in this department, but I can provide a few pointers to you folks who need them more than me.   Straighties please, if you're a chick and S'ing a D, don't hold on to it with your spiral tinted Lee Press-On's all out in the air like you're an anorexic bitch pretending to eat that appetizer you're manager forced you to take off the tray... grab the shit and treat it like a bitch that won't listen who needuh good choking but not a bruise-filled beat down.  And if you're a dude into salmon patties know this; you don't like biting your lip when you chew, so why would some chick like it when it's her nether Lisa Renna's? 
     Also, you like a little two handed action when someone's scoping your d-town, dudes... well ladies do too.  You gotta signal with one hand and keep your eyes and ears outta the blindspots while you're tongue's turning left and right directing the chillenz across the cobblestone street.  So take heed and know that it's not rocket science here people, but it is more than just openeing your mouth and saying "ahhh".  (ugh, awkward shambles) 
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Go long and deep on this next one, Max.  Already am, Joe.

     Anyways, this shit is grossing me out and making me feel creepier than that time I got lost in the park on free meth day.  So just know that gays are better at looking like their genny opposites, getting along with your Mother, and eating and drinking from that restaurant downtown than you straight folk are... and ain't nothing except you switching teams gonna change that.  So give me a call if you're on the fence.  Hoe-perators are standing bi.