The Bitch List: Rudely Hideous Guyphones

Dick joke Fail!  Hey, Boo... prove me wrong preez.

     It's a good thing I'm not your period, cuz I'm late as hell on this post... I realize this.  So don't hate a hobag preez, I been in mammal perils of the car-shambles kind (as I mentioned earlier in the week) and things is fuxed up.  But trust, the baby Bitch List post I been gestating this excra day is well worth the strength it took to override those 47 morning-after pills you took.  For surreal though, the car Shamz are mostly over with now, and I'm hoping next week I can get back on schedule and introduce the new features meant for debut this week.
     N T Wayz... better late than never as my OBGYN is fond of saying... so the Bitch List is back again to let you know of the top three things that, like a vending machine without bacon-flavored Funyuns, are pissing me off this week.  So sit back, relax your middle roll, and click onward to get to the well deserved bitchin'...


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3 - Non-wavers who I let pull out in front of me

Bitch don't stare... thank me

     No, you didn't read that sentence wrong... and I'm not talking about some weird sex thing so get your mind outta the gutter ya' slutbags.  What I'm talking about here are douchebags and douchebaguettes that I let pull out of whatever Ross Dress For Less parking lot they're pulling out of, and then... even though I went out of my chunky way to let them join the traffic and get back to whatever trailerpark they came from, they don't give me a courteous wave, tip of the hat, or eye contact of "thanks bruh" to let me know they appreciate being treated like they're not hideous in their Ford Taurus.

If u wasn't rockin' the HELL outta that ensemb, we'duh had issues

     These fux really make me pause and wonder, "what the tick?"... did you really just take advantage of my courtesy and not gimme the slightest of thanks for it?  Even asswads who force their way out wave as a means to say, "yeah I know I'm an Armenian jerk who thinks this Ford Fiesta is a Mercedes, but thanks for dealing with my unibrow and horrible music while I rape my way out of this 7/11 parking lot and into your car's grill-parts like you had a choice in the matter.
     I swear it's like these tool-faces think they're pedestrians or something just pulling out and thinking I won't murder them Serial Mom style in the school parking lot for giving my overweight and soon-to-be popular 90's daytime talk show host daughter a "D" on her English paper.

Hey, Grill... U can turn in fronta me any dayz

     Get it together people, it's not hard to nod or pretend you're grateful for someone else's courtesy... I mean hell, I even thank the strangers sitting next to me at Burger King when I force my way onto the fries they haven't finished yet without asking... and that's more face to face interaction.  So if I can do that, you can surely wave when you're protected behind the shitty glass or taped plastic bags you consider windows... and who knows, maybe if you learn to appreciate the kindness of others, you might learn to like yourself enough to share that Whopper with the weird dude staring at you from across the restaurant... maybe.
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2 - Russell Brand

Talk about off-brand... Do. Not. Want. INFINITY!!!

     Ugh, please-to go to away forever.  It's bad enough he has the worst type of British accent ever (whiny jollicky jester British), that he's hideo as hell and looks like a vampire turd with old-man-face and a mouth that could double for a vagina after a butthole shit it out... but time and time again I keep seeing ads or whatever for this mega-douche and it has to stop. (and it will cuz, due to Shamblistic integrity, I can't bring myself to put another mug of this trech on here).

Go ahead... sleep if you want.  I'm hungry for souls N-T-wayz

     It's bad enough when I see him in commercials or making TV appearances or whatever, but the true terror of "is there a knife nearby to gouge my face off and eat it" was when he had that hideo Arthur movie coming out around the same time that Easter Bunny movie was coming out too.  Everywhere I looked all I saw was fugt British teeth and crazy sparrow hair shrouding around a pair of nonblinking eyes.   I swear, he and Katy Perry aren't just married, they're also a brother and sister pair of drones from planet "no-blink".  

Hate ur phone, shoes, boobs, & everything... but not as much as RB

      Now, a true Shambler or Shamblette knows there are three types of people I don't trust: Anyone who says "you have nothing to lose and everything to gain", cuz they're just trying to kill you... People with double names like Mary-Kate Olsen or Julia Louis-Dreyfuss cuz that's weirdly confusing... and of course, people like the Brand-Perry's who don't blink.  This blink thing is because while you're being normal and re-wetting your eye balls, they're just starting at you like some kinda paranormal activity ghost standing over you while you sleep.  Even sharks blink, Russell and Katy... so get on the bandwagon of not crazy and save the future leaders of America the therapy bills when they're older.

Even this brand isn't as desperate as Russell

     Finally, it's not just the hideo, annoying,horrible fashions, horrible hair, horrible everything, or voice that makes me dislike Russell Brand... but it's also because he's friggen gross and for someone who claims to be a comedian, isn't very funny.  I feel like Ru-Bra studied at the Sinbad and Carrot Top school of comedy where they CLEARLY don't teach you that just because you're loud and/or people can't understand what the hell you're saying, doesn't mean you're funny.  So get it together, Russell.  And get the hell outta my face-parts and life, because just seeing you makes me want to punch something cute or vomit... and frankly I can't deal with the jail time or loss of carb-calories right now.  Trust.

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1 - iPhones and the gays attached to them

Damn he fine.  Maybe if I were a computer screen he'd look at me.

     You know, Boo... if you spent half as much time on being interesting as you do on that damn phone and your hair slash fashions... you might be dateable.  There's nothing I can't stand more than a rude person on their phone when you're talking to them.  But to add insult to injury, a rude person who's hot and you're trying to scope them but all they care about is scoping dix on Grindr or texting Lisa and Brit about last night's Ice Loves Coco.

"Daddy I want hotdogs".  Say wut?  Dang gurl u inta that kinky shit. 

   Stop ignoring the legit people around you for your stupid phone.  I get it, you're popular and have ab muscles... blessed be.  I also get that Steve Jobs is kinda DILFy and I wouldn't kick him outta bed if he wanted to Skype sex on our iPads... but that damn iPhone isn't gonna suck ya D or sex you later after a couple drinks, so give me and Steve the jobs we came to this bar to get and stop ignoring us... cuz I don't really care that last night's sex slave friended you on MySpace, but I am a little concerned that you still use MySpace... and so is everyone else in this shitty gay bar worthy of it's own Bitch List entry. 

Really, JC?  You too?

     The point I'm making is this, gays... don't forget the manners ya' momma(s) gave you.  I'm sick of hearing how you can't find a good gay in this town and how all the doods you wanna bone are either straight or don't know how to carry a conversation slash are awkward on dates.  Well I wonder why, Hobag face... you and the other power bottom gays are always too busy tweeting, texting, and poking to actually interact and legit poke with a real human... so you go on bitching and hooking up on Craigslist because casual, random-hookup stranger-sex is a language that doesn't require conversation other than "Is it in yet" and lies like "I've never done anything like this before".

Oh, Trent.  Hair, necklace, "beard" = bless.  Lets bone!

      Or, like Trent up there... you say you're looking for one thing (friends) when you're really looking for another.  "Looking for a workout buddy", T-rent... really?  Lissy up, bitch.  Ain't no such thing as a "workout buddy" unless you consider AIDSy bareback sex "working out"... the term you're looking for is "personal trainer", "spotter", or "less strenuous workout you can do alone"...  cuz "workout buddy" in gay = dude to place his scrotes on ur face slash bang one out in the sauna between sets.  BUT, if you're accepting applications, I'll plug in my fax machine.

Brad?  I'm over here.  What? (head smack)

      If you want to meet someone legit, if you want to be a person and not a profile or username... take your well chiseled eyeballs off that damn iPhone screen and peep this middle roll and the others like it... because unlike those other rude gays online that just have a dick pic or torso shot that may or may not be them, the real deal is right in front of you to decide if you like it or not.
     So for real yallz, put down the dick extension that only makes noise when someone calls, texts, or you find a 3G network, and start picking up the ones connected to Adrian Grenadines and Noel Kahn's that do more than just vibrate when you grab them... I promise you won't regret it.