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| Outta my way, Trinity... There's a new leather bitch in town. |
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Previously on CSI: White Trash... Oh I'm sorry, wrong show... that Redneck Family smackdown opening threw me off. Whew, ok, now that we're back on track lets get into the nitty gritty that was this week's True Blood...
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------S
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| Gran, what a big boner u have. The better to rape u with, my Dear. |
SOOKIE: Bitch got into more people's bidness this week than Maxine Fortenbury at a gossip festival. She's getting readings, talking to dead Gran, giving reach-arounds to shirtless yet still in Harlem Globetrotters gym shorts Eric, and all while fitting in a shift at Merlotte's. About the only thing Sookie didn't do this week was make us like her more slash give us a reason not to try and fairyblast her all the way back to Season 1 when she was still relevant.
Yes as I've said before, Sookie is the heart of the show... but the heart of this show belongs to a vampire, and so it's not beating... which means we don't really need the blonde heart we have as long as there are chiseled abs and women named Pam still around. But alas let me shut my cake stained mouth up, because I know Sookie isn't going anywhere anytime soon... even IF I wished she'd go to Fairyville for a week so we didn't have to see her until we all meet the true death one way or another. BONUS SNARK: Sook to Eric: "I've seen you change and I like it". I bet you do, Sookie (tee hee).
ERIC: Home boy is still rockin' that b-ball look (plus), still workin' dem doe eyed "what am I" faces (plus), and hopefully also starting to piece together that memory of his (double plus)... cuz we're only 3 episodes away from me hating this whole amnesia shit and hoping that while Sookie's opening up her fairy cooch for him, he remembers what the dill is and eats more than her nethers... thus ending OUR pain forever. But we all know that isn't gonna happen. Here's to dreaming though (only this time without fuqing Godric).
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| I didn't order no Pissa... but I'll take the handjob. Come on inside. |
ALCIDE: The Herxveaux estate is under attack from horrible wigged werewolf mastuh of Shreveport... AKA the only other city in the world other than Bon Temps, Atlanta, and New Orleans apparently. And while this rando scene came outta nowhere 38 minutes into this week's opus, methinks it's just doing two things: 1 - giving Alcide and newly sobered Blondilox (unfortunately not pictured this ep) a reason to book it back to Bon Temps for some inter-species love trianglein' (yawn), and 2 - to give Joe Mangianello something to do since he's now considered a series reggo.
Either way all I want is the number to Alcide's tanning salon slash personal trainer because his ass is dark as hell and diesel cut like and Amish Boy even though he apparently does nothing but bate to thoughts of Sookie and (much like certain guest stars and storylines this year) seems to go nowhere.
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| Don't roll dem eyes at me, Tara. Your lezbo kickboxing thing this season is just as insulting as my hair. |
LAFAYETTE: Well I didn't think it was possible, but much like Wendy's unveiling the new Frosty Parfaits, you keep on surprising me, Lafayette. Who know you could make that hideous no-hawk from the season premiere look even worse by episode 5? At least with the no-hawk you just looked like shit... now you look like shit AND like some kinda 1990's Kris Kross/Marques Houston from Sister Sister combo. All you need now is some of those ball braid thingies to put on the ends and people will start thinking you're a girl and like to jump rope while singing about which boy in your class you like. Dear God make it stop.
USELESS: Jesusless, I hate your little Jason Mraz/Bruno Mars hat you're trying to rock probably as much if not more than that stupid pedo-metaphor flashback you had. After drinking the blood of your pet goat and claiming you felt something inside you that you need to feel again but can only get from your Granfather, methinks Lafayette refuses to stick it in your ass. But do you really need to drive your useless ass to Mexico to get it? I hear a good dildo works just as well if not better than the real thing if you're in a pinch... You'll just have to call it "Grandaddy Bruho" while it rapes you, but other than that I'm sure you'll get the same messy end result. PS - I still hate you.
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| Bitch I know I'm a lez now, but get off the flo', u ain't THAT hungry. |
TARA: Lezbo loves eating her ice cream like she like that nubile tang... and we can't get mad at her as we were wondering the same thing as she; "you got anymore ice cream?" That might have to be Fat Club's mantra of the week if we know what's good for us (and trust, we do). Whole lotta not-that-much-progress with "Toni" happening this season, but that's ok because bitch had a rough one last year and her weaves is still ferosh so we can't hate on a hobag too much.
Operators are still standing by BTDubbs for her to team up with Mumbs and friends to unleash her kickboxing lezbo powers... just give her a dabble of Andy's V juice and some shorts with "juicy" written on the butt, and Buffy Tara will be ret to go... see you in 5-7 episodes you hookah bitch. BONUS POINTS: Most "Amen sistuh" line of the night goes to Tara re: Sookie and Eric: "Fuq bothuh yall". True Dat T-bone.
LADY MUMBS: Hobag has come a long way from chanting her ashalamadingdong nonsense in the pilot. Now she's talking like a crazy person AND getting her ass arrested slash doublecrossed, AKA fitting in nicely with the residents. Methinks bitch has got a whole lotta whoopass to unleash in the back half of the season, especially if unibrow Spanish Selma Hayek takes over her bodice full time, as I suspect it might. I'm interested to see this boney-face Wicca get all 187 on some hoes, and the impending Halloween that we're supposed to not think twice about until later is probs a big proponent of it.
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------FEROCIA, BEEL, BORTIA, ANDY------
FEROCIA: "If you fuq with my face then you need to die"... couldn't have said it better, Feorica. And lip falling off or no lip falling off, you're still the hottest most faboosh bitch in Bon Temps. Oh, and in regards to those loose lips, methinks that was a little foreshadowing for her "I know where Eric is" confession that closed the episode. But snitch or no snitch, we still luz this bitch. | ||
BEEL: Apparently his boreness has turned his mansion into the 2011 version of that prison in The Silence of the Lambs in the course of year... meanwhile I can't get my General Hospital: Night Shift poster to hang on the wall. It's a cruel world, people... and Beel seems to be loving his role as Jigsaw Warden Compton as he keeps Lady Mumbs in his dungeon of spotlessness furnished by Rooms To Go and Pottery Barn.
Me Likey the little convention of vamps he had (hello Olivier from Six Feet Under, was wondering when Alan Ball was gonna use you again, I'm ready for Male Ferocia sized awesome from you, don't disappoint). Bonus points to hot young thing vamp Sheriff, Black Adonis in Purple bad actor Sheriff, and half points to Lezbo vamp for pointing out Ferocia's ear falling off issue. But I digress.
Me likey too how Beel has taken kind of a backseat ride this season thus far, if only now he'd just fall out the back while clutching Portia and Jesus so we can drive off and never look back again at their a-bore-mination selves, we might enjoy this 13 episode road trip a lot better... and we definitely wouldn't have to stop so many times for shoot-me-in-the-face slash eye-rolls-leading-to-vomit-from-how-terrible-they-are breaks.
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| Dammit, Portia. This V got me all kinda confused and U likes it. |
PORTIA: If only Bill could glamor her into never showing her Wikipedia page on incest reading self in the first place... maybe we wouldn't have so much pent up hatred inside us like Jesus' ass is filled with Grandaddy dick. Now that she's been glamored to fear Bill, she literally has no purpose on this show. She's seriously like a gall bladder, you don't need it, but while it's there it might as well do something... only difference is, unlike the gall bladder, she ain't doing shit. Please-to remove ASAP, Alan Ball and friends... kthanxbai.
ANDY: Get off dat V juice boi... you know it can't end well so JUST SAY NO! Cuz if you don't, you might be forced with some priapism dickhardness that only goes away with a big needle to the ween like Jason in Season 1, or worse... you might have to sit around the house with that boring lawyer sister of yours, and with her recently revealed love of incest you might have to watch your back... or your front. Either way like any good lawyer would exclaim... I object. (unless Tommy and Sam wanna get busy, then I overrule)
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------TOMMY, SAM------
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| Toldja our bonerz could touch, Sam. Now let's dump dem bodies. |
TOMMY: Mark my BBQ sauce flavored words: Bitch is gonna shapeshift into Mom and Dad when he gets all "I'll Keel Yuuuu, Sam" towards the end of the season. Cut to Luna entering the picture and getting all loco-vagina on this shit and we've got all the pieces we need. If I'm wrong and nothing of this sort happens, than Alan B and friends committed an epic fail for the setup with no payoff... but something tells me them fux aren't gonna blue ball us on this one. Also, unlike Tommy and Arlene, dem writers are much smarter than we give them credit for, so I trust them completely on this one, although Tommy's little suck my crocodile move was kinda slick so maybe he's not that stoopid.
SAM: "You don't know what's in you until sometimes it pops out." Thank you, Sam... apparently you and Jesus both share butt ramming pasts. And also, I apparently was an alligator in a past life, cuz I LOOOOVE me some marshmallows too. Bonus points of joy for no Luna this week, and to Sam for coming outside in only boxers at the top of the episode (though we wish he was a brief man). I have yet another Miss Cleo prediction here... Momma and Daddy Merlotte aren't the only Merlotte's to swim in this lovely "we use it someway in every episode" Warner Backlot pool of gator nommin' death. Methinks Tommy's got a place reserved at the bottom too before season's end now that he's run his course.
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------JESSICA, HOYT, JASON, HOLLY, TERRY, ARLENE------
| Dammit, Jess... Stop jerkin' him off. It's my turn! |
JESSICA & HOYT: While I know the sex dream was Jason's, I'm giving the props to these two for making it awesome. I'm sure it was just thrilling to say the least for Debby Ann Wohl to utter "I want you in my mouth" a couple dozen times while they got different angles of that scene. Oh and I'd give all my Wendy's giftcards to be on set while Jim Parrack straddled Kwantan and shouted his name while semi-gyrating on him... bet that was just a regular ole' bonerpalooza for married Jimmy P. I'm sure the insanity is only gonna get worse as things go on, but for now I'll take weird threesome dream sex over Hoyt and Jess fighting, cuz I luz this couple too much to see them hatin' so much.
JASON: Awl bless this hot bitch's little were-panther boning heart. That goatee is hideo and if I had my way, his not shaving that shit would qualify him for another round of raping just to teach him a lesson (you hear that Lafayette, you and your hair-don't is on thin ice too). But I must say considering all Jason went through he's taking it like a champ (too soon?), and all too inviting of the herpes in his sex dream. You'd think some dream vamp-bitch up on his D in the same posish as the imbred hobags who raped him would be a little less enjoyable, and a little more traumatizing... but I don't have abs like Jason so maybe it's different for roll-less peeps.
What I do know however is that if I got raped by dirty pooned she-beasts in a hut and wasn't allowed to eat, piss, shit, or watch Degrassi for three days, I'd be a little more than too upset to nom my pancakes while eating lunch with Hoyt at Merlotte's. Which reminds me BTDubbs, you gonna finish those, Stackhouse? BONUS POINTS TO ME: Cuz my predix about no Crystal Meth-tits for a few eps proves true so far; I give her 3 or 4 more 'til she's back)
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| Who stole my role? Hey background boo, what'cho name is? |
HOLLY: Well blessed be. Bitch is back and it looks like she got some new hairs to go with the return. She's also crabby as hell cuz of the (thanks exposition Holly) full moon coming tomorrow night that's supposed to make us freak out that Jason is gonna turn (he ain't y'all chill out). But we'll take anything we can get from Holly at this point, whether it be a "blessed be" or "Dammit, Sookie you stole my eggs." Either way Holly is breathing and speaking, and that's better than we can say for past faves Franklin and Maryanne at this point. So raise a glass of Diet Dr Pepper for Holly Clearly's brief yet welcome return slash being the only Merlotte's waitress not named "Sookie" or "Arlene" to (so far and forever please God) not get killed.
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| I feel a poke in my ass, that you, babe? I was boutta axe u the same thing. |
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So there we have it. I'm finding that no matter how short I make this redux, there are just too many characters so it ends up being a lot anyway. Kinda like a choad dick... shorter, but still wide... and really there's nothing you can do about that. Anyway, I'm pumped that we're moving towards the halfway point of the season, and I'm praying to the Authority that more useless starts dying as we go along. Rumors of a mass bloodbath at season's end seem to point towards that like a pink thing on a dog points towards a hot bitch... but like all things boner and non-boner alike... only time will truly tell how messy things are gonna get.
Til' next week, Hookah faces.
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