PLL Redux: Bury Me With The Shitty Dialogue

We get it, Aria... U look nekked.  Now stop it cuz Em's gettin' a boner

     "A" here again.  The car drama in my life right now is enough to fill an entire season of PLL, but not enough to keep me from recapping the hell outta last night's episode.  So I'll be less formal than usual and just cut to the chase: get your chunky asses in here and see what my mind was wondering and what you shoulda been asking during the 43 minutes we got to spend in Rosewood with all the hideous outfits and dead bodies...

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Wait... he gave me a D?  Yeah he did.  Shut up, Hanna

----- Oh lord.  iPad suicide note copy sent via cell phone picture... remember when paper existed and cordless phones were all the rage?  Man I'm old

----- Speaking of iPads, you're not feeling relief, Em cuz it's a heavy day... that and you look like you have to take a dump.  Put a smile on those lezbo lips of yours, no one's gonna make you suck a dick if you do.

----- Bodies decompose, Latin Cop I wish was hotter?  Not if their last name is Dilaurentis and they died in Rosewood.

----- Yeah, "A", that suicide note looks familiar... I wrote it two weeks ago when Toby was in every other scene and took his shirt off.  Never acted out on it tho cuz he was MIA last week.  Don't make me type up a copy tonight please.  kthanksbai

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Aria clearly didn't get the memo... It's fierce-faced bitch Friday

----- Spencer's Dad gives me a semi... it'd be a total full-on bone, but that old maid ensemble she's trying to rock is keeping the blood from flowing.

----- One fake date does not a relationship make, Hanna?  How about one real bone?  Cuz you gave up your V lips to Keanu twin, can't get rid of him or his bad acting that easily.

----- Every time those PLL go out the door I memorize the color of their tops too, Hobag Hanna's Mom... but seeing as how "hideous" isn't an official color, my memory usually a'int worth shit.

----- Ew, awkward positioning of your cooch on the desk points, Aria... right in front of Ezra's pursed dick-sucking lips.  Might as well just take his hand and shove it up your cooch against his will and call it flirting.

------ New old-Beyonce-of-Ezra chick is super Canadian looking... and still super lame.

------ Hey Pookie bear, "Z" is in to D bones, so stop trying to suck on his cuz that biscuit belongs to Noel Kahn... and Noel Kahn's belongs to me, so Z's D belongs to me too by default.  Make sense?

----- Do I know you, postal worker guy?  I wish I did, holy shit who knew lifting boxes could make a bitch so cut.  But the face needs work, boo, get on that shit next day delivery speed please.

------ Um, Mariska Hargitay twin Spencer's Mom with a stripper name (Veronica)... If I was Spencer I'd be like, "get off my studying nuts, ho... you made me feel like an idiot and sent me to looney doctors cuz you didn't believe me".. you'd feel like shit if Ian's ass had killed her and you were too worried about how it would look to the folks at the country club to save your poorly dressed daughter.

----- And the nominee for most random interaction without dialogue goes to... New Jason and hooded vandal.  Good God I hope it's Mona... but something tells me it's someone more lame like everyone else on this show except Hefty Hanna... so it's prolly Mike.

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Sign in the background should inform eyeliner in the foreground

----- I was right, it was Mike.  But mmmm, if Mike wanted to break in to MY house and move stuff around... he would definitely get in.

----- Gah I hate New Jason's face with every frame that passes across it's butt chinned self.  BTDubbs, New J...  Stop with the sexy I'm gonna kill you eyes, cuz Aria only sleeps with older guys that are closeted and teach English... maybe it's time you finished that online degree after all.  You're halfway there.

----- Oh man I love "eat prey love" moments too, Hanna... but without all the "prey" and "love".

----- It's a short stop from "eat prey love" to "drink slap smack", this season's perfect record for lame truth's that sounded cooler (I'm sure) in the writers' room but not so much when spoken by shitty actors goes to Caleb... but it's gonna take a lot more than that to beat Fitz' "always read and have a good live" hideousness or whatever from the premiere.

----- Hideous top alert... Aria's guilty... Spencer's an accomplice to the crime, and Hanna has a preggo bitch high waist gunny sack on... why does everyone hate me?

----- Oh lord, hot cepthisface delivery guy... "I saw a posting online, someone was offering me cash to make a delivery"... yes, but it wasn't sent from Ian or A, it was sent by me, and I'm still waiting for my twinkies and sex, hobag.  Come rain or shine my ass.

----- I'd like to commit a felony with Mike... and I'd also like him to break into my place and body check me.

----- Hideous pants alert... Aria you must be destroyed.

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----- Ooooo Olive Garden commercial.  I was looking for a reason to hate myself and wish I could throw up.

----- OMG Sun Drop is such a white trash drink, but I love that "drop it like it's hot" chick from the commercial (embedded above).  "Hefty Hanna costume" now has a backup plan.

----- OMG squared, Tresemme commercial with Mona and Hanna... it's terrible, but it's new Mona footage, so I'm suppressing my ladyboner until the show comes back to hopefully provide more of her for real, and not in some busted attempt to make me buy moose. (Date night bitches!  But we all know the only date Mona has is with her cell phone to send a deliciously evil text to the principle cast...enjoy it below)

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BACK TO SHOW:

Something's wrong with Esther.  Please-to bury outfits with Ian.

----- You stupid Mariska Hargitay bitch, why you gotta interrupt Spencer's heart to heart with face uggz wearing Melissa?

----- Hanna you look fat in that hooker dress.

Update: no Toby yet, BLESS!  No Mona save that commercial, UNBLESS.  No Noel Kahn... wiener shrinker.  No blind Jenna or Posh Spice Therapist... DOUBLE BLESS!... please-to continue with lame scene between Hanna and hobag Mom.

----- Choke thing around your neck, Spencer... hideous, you look like Esther from that movie Orphan.  Black vanilla meringue resembling dress, Aria... hideously not delish, you have found the one true way to make me lose my appetite with that ensemb.   Hat thing veil over your face, Hanna... hideously kinky, you look like an extra in a Tim Burton movie but with worse hair.  Sensible Cardigan over black dress, Em... hideously lezbionic... actually it's not hideous, but unlike Aria and Spencer... I chose to stick with the motif.

----- Also BTDubbs, Spencer's funeral planning committee family... why are they having a funeral in the same place where Ian attacked or whatever Spencer and then died?  I realize the set is already paid for but come on, you couldn't find a hole behind the 7/11 or something to toss them bones into, Hastings Hobags?

Emily at 40

---- Oh man I hope you bitches are old as hell and still searching for clues, I'll be there for 20 more seasons looking at missing beads and storylines that never pay off while you four fight off menopause and bad teeth.  Trust I will.

----- Oh yeeeeaaah!  Aria has parents.  Doesn't Emily have them too?  Seriously, is bitch all Kevin McCalister Home Alone now just because of some rando non-existant swimming scholarship? 

Stop grabbing ur dick, Ezra... My 'rents are right over there!

----- Don't worry, Ezra... it's not weird or out of place at all that a former high school teacher who didn't know the deceased is here "for the students", when the only ones at the funeral are four outta five of the fiercest bitches in town... yet he's only talking to Aria for some reason.  Come on, Montgomery Family... y'all ain't that stoopid.

----- Bonus points of almost redemption to Aria for that side swoop bang... ferocia in training.  Also, why are the four PLL next to the casket?  Shouldn't that be reserved for his wife and I dunno, people Ian didn't try to kill?

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I hate ur dress, it looks like a Hershey's kiss.  Oh... well I hate ur dick for the same reason.

----- Who's new Jason waiting for?  Hope it's his acting coach and plastic surgeon to fix that Botox butt-chin face of his.

----- And so we have proof that Mr Fitz is not going down without a fight... he's re-entered the ring of "did that line really just happen" with the all wise yet mumbled so they shoulda gotten another take delivery of the following: "Aria, telling your parents isn't toe dipping it's (gay pause) a cannoball".  Someone needs a cannonball to the face, and I think it's Maya Goldsmith for writing that.

----- Um, Aria you so can blame it all on Fitz... just say he raped you.  People always believe the pedo victim bitch.  

----- God, is New Jason ever gonna do anything other than emerge from fog and stare at nothing for hours?

----- Why is the funeral party at the school?  And why is Caleb's Foster Mom or whatever there too in that hideous (I hope it's a) wig?

----- Oh man where do I apply for an internship at the law offices of Dulce, Gabana, and Liebowitz, cuz I am so there!  Ferosh points to Hanna's Mom for that sassy ass cell phone wave of death through the glass.  

----- One more thing, how slash why is Hanna at school which is like 2 miles away yet in the same amount of time Hanna had to travel, Aria's only been able to make it 100 feet to chat with new Jason about some boring expositiony bullshit that's only supposed to make us want Aria with new Jason but really makes me want my 2 and a half minutes this convo's been going on back.

----- Yes, new Jason, you coming here WAS a mistake.  Go away and take Toby, Old Jason, Ugly Melissa, Latino Cop, Blonde Lez, Blind Jenna, Posh Spice therapist, and Danielle Something with hideous bangs with you.

---- Oh man for a second there I though Aria was Jenny Love Chewitt, that "I know what you did" note was missing a "last Summer" at the end of it... and also it was written in Crayon so the killer is clearly Hanna... we all know she can't use pens.

----- Ugh, go away Ugly Melissa.  And you are sooo whiny like a little bitch considering the person you're whining to was on the hit list of said person you're defending.  (pause) Aaannnd now the reason I hate ugly Mel is made apparent yet again... terrible mood swing of bad acting and not letting Spencer defend herself or her horrible fashions before storming out stage left.  UGH!!!!

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And the nominees for shih tzu faced terrible actress are...

---- Nine Lives of Chloe King promo time... and from the looks of things, I think that bitch is already on life 8.5.

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BACK TO SHOW:

C any bones of what this show usetuh be?  Nah, just dead story lines.

----- Everything feels dirty... let's have a glass of wine, scotch, or absinthe... why not break out the Heroin too while you're at it, Mr. Aria's Dad?

----- Mike has an attitude problem... and it's clashing with his pretty pre-old-enough-to-do-me-legally-face.  Nothing a little soap*** in the mouth won't fix.  (***soap = Adrian ween)

----- This week in no-shit news... Latino cop and Jenna in cahoots was last season's big WTF plot inconsistency... it's not shocking or OMG worthy when you rehash it like me when I go for fourths at the local potluck.

----- And Caleb rebounds for the win over Mr Fitz's throne in the shitty dialogue that might mean gay sex category: "Well I should probably go... Goonies is on TV tonight.  Promised (gay) Lucas I'd watch it with him"... then he goes for double sprinkles by repeating it for effect so those with our jaws on the ground can pick them back up; "You must not have heard me, I said we're watching Goonies tonight".  Bitch I heard you, and you know Hanna and the rest of the 12 year olds on this show have no idea what a Goonie is so don't even play like you do too.

----- Final note on this tragedy, Hanna is a ho if she goes from "we ain't datin'" to "we suckin' face" in a span of 3 acts.  You gotta at least give it an episode or two, Hefty H.  Y'all Rosewood bitches move fast as hell.

----- I think "A" is in some kinda Pysch101 version of Aria's art class at Hollis... cuz she/he/it is seriously trying to give Emily some brain teasers to think about instead of the usual black girl, horribly banged closeted bitches (who seem to disappear suddenly just as randomly as she appeared) and blonde lez poon that's normally on her brain.

----- Graveyard snooping, "It's like chapter one of every Stephen King Book", "I thought I'd feel differently once we buried Ian", "I'm confused and I'm stepping on something mushy", four amazing things about this scene in close succession.  Oh, and I know this is against my religion, but for once I am NOT loving a side pony... Aria can NOT rock that half headed Pippy Longstocking doo anymore than my pubes can... so she's ruining my bone.  Where-to is Mona to show these bitches what's up?

----- Oh lord, now because of no good reason other than Emily looked at a map and made an "oh yeah" face... it's movies in Hollywood Forever Cemetery time...  this week's feature: "dumb blonde bitch who looks like a shih tzu gets the world's quickest quickie without her or her boo taking their clothes off" and not a single person is there to witness it on the big screen... not even a homeless dude or necrophiliac... but at least we erased the whole reason they suspected Ian in season 1 of killing her as well as a huge piece of evidence we kept busy with for 12 episodes.  Who ordered the frustrating story continuity slaughtering plot devices of destruction?  Oh that goes to the I. Marlene King table.  Cool, thankx. 

----- End of episode... worst tag ever (rambling flashlight bitches talking' about a projector)... Shambles.

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Oh, so "A" stands for "Asian bitch with a attitude problem".  Got it

     So this week "A" seems extra bitchy, murdery, and awesome.  Can't wait to see how the writers ruin the momentum "A's" building next week when they provide us with more loose ends than a Kardashian Xmas party.  But don't let my bitching give you the wrong idea, Hobags... I still be lovin' me some PLL.    

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NEXT WEEK:

Even in couture thez bitches have horrible hair and fashions

     Fashions, bitches!  Toby's back (vomit), and still no sign of Mona, yet a potential Carrie moment when someone fux with the projector during the fashions show might fix that cuz methinks that someone is Mon"A", and I got proof she's there to A it up below... peep it in all it's ferocia side hair glory.  

Pay attention Aria and Spence, THIS is how u work dat shit!

......Til Next week, bitches.