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| Funny. I see a camera, but no cupcakes on this table. Who do I fire? |
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----- Previously on PLL: Awesome shit and terrible fashions went down. Bless.
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| Sorry, Em... I haven't cleaned up since Caleb was here. |
----- A sleepover that never ends is called Marriage, Hefty H. And like any good marriage, I'm hoping this sleepover ends with underage lezzy rape... or at least some cupcakes as parting gifts.
----- "A-stravaganza" is being added to the Shambletta Stone for permanent usage in the Shamblexicon. Thank you once again HH for making my life just that more awesome every week.
----- Two things: 1 - Why should I give two shits and a fuq about a card when there are treats in that there "A" basket of death and 2 - Why do these bitches always read "A" at the end of a terror message like they don't know who wrote it? What do they expect... "I'm gonna stat-rape-kill you bitches... Mr Fitz."? ALTHOUGH, that would be almost as awesome as Hannah's out-line; "It's not even good candy?" (updating the Fat Club Bible now). Thanks again, you former fatty bitch.
A-MERCIAL BREAK
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tresemme pimping, blah blah, Melissa & Joey, State of Georgia "comedy" hour, yeah right... Ugh, Glee Movie in 3D, that's three dimensions more than I need. Why won't this shitshow just die already? Oh Sue you're right on target with that "save your money, this thing sux" line. Kill me now.-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
AND WE'RE BLACK.
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| I C-U-M... get it? Cuz we see him, his name's Mike, & it spells "cum" |
----- Aria's "fashion" choices for Mom... hideous, or hideous squared? It's like choosing death by fire or death by birds pecking your eyeballs out for all eternity. Thank God we got that "Mike blow it off" line from DILFy Chad Lowe, or our bonerz would be inverted during this scene.
----- "I'll tell him he can bring a date." "Hmm, that should be interesting". Yeah, especially when Fitz brings a dude, slash your daughter, Mr. and Mrs. Montgomery. Wonder if he'll bring former pre-wifey parts? Doesn't matter, I still don't care.
----- Emily stirring eggs in the kitchen, I feel like there's a lezbo yoke in there somewhere. Oh wait there it was... I said "yoke" instead of "joke". You see it's funnier when you explain it.
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| It's 5 to touch boob, 10 for penny. 1 mill if I have to look at ur face. |
----- Spencer, you look like a Russian whore. And I REALLY wanna know what's in your Dad's mug, ten to one it's not coffee. (UPDATE - I'm probz right based on his krunkness at end of episode)
----- ZZZZZzzzzz. Oh wait, Alien faced Ezra and Six-Head Aria are flirting or whatever. Fashions alert BTDubbs, Aria looks pretty shortbus in that backpack. Who does she think she is... Dora the teacher-fuqing Explorer?
----- "I just got stiffed, I totally pimped that guy's phone and he won't pay" Thanks KeanuCaleb for that wonderful visual... oh and for this week's "Did he really just say that" line... "Legit is in the eye of the beholder". Not sure what it means, but I don't think the writer of this episode is either. Way to give Ezra a run for his lame-ass-line money again this week C-Lib.
----- Sweet indoor rear view mirror, Mikey... the better to look at'cha jailbait taillights. We all know your sticky fingers have nothing to do with stealing, and everything to do with what you do in front of that mirror. SIDE NOTE - "Parents in mirror are closer than they appear"... lame times Aria squared. Unless you consider that message a warning to warn jerk-off Mikey if someone other than himself is coming... then it's kinda awesome.
----- Ugh, Simbajaws again. And once again when pausing episode to write this hate it freezes on his "probably smells like old peen" self. I feel like Toby and Glee are one and the same and will never get outta my face-parts for as long as my bacon wrapped heart keeps semi-pumping. FML.
----- In "no shit" news... Toby is not an architect. And Mr. Spencer's Dad is keeping his drawings, hopefully not to bate to cuz if so he loses major DILF points.
----- So much for a small dinner gathering, Mrs. Montgomery... before we know it Gay Lucas, Dead Allison, and Mona's side pony will be helping set the table. (I wish).
----- If Aria thinks of anything, Ella... pigs will be flying and Popular will still be on the air.
CUM-MERCIAL BREAK
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------BABY GOT BACK TO THE SHOW
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| Before you die, you see this "thing". Seven days, bitches. |
----- Sing dat shit, Hanna. Don't let this trynna study dyke-bitch get you down. And yes, you should all do a video together... You can call it Whore-ority Row.
----- God, Spencer... now you look like some kinda Native American Hobag... Howdy Ho, Pokahotass. Also, it's ok to invite New Jason into your house, he's not Eric Northman.
----- Jacket over Nato-Ami outfit approved, Spencer. Acting of Nato-Ami cop = Atrosh.
----- Splitting up the girls wasn't about Peter Hastings, Mrs. Hanna's Mom... It was about giving the writers something to shit with for four or so eps to feel like they were taking chances.
----- Why oh why, Mr. Spencer's Dad would you axe where that shitty probs murder weapon was, weren't you hovering like the smoke that trails New Jason when Simbajaws dug it up like half a second ago? Ayecarumba my eyes hurt from rolling.
NUT-MERCIAL BREAK
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yeeeuuuhhh... Drop it like it's hot Sun Drop bitch is back. Still amazes me that such a white trash drink is using such a ghetto ass commercial to sell the product. Also, ABC Fam's "Teen Spirit" looks worse than "Cyberbully"... keep it up, ABC Fam. You've yet to fail me on the "Is this shit for real" scale of shitty cinema... oh Shizzballs, MONA/HANNA TRESEMME' COMMERSH, It makes this break totally worth it. Now I'm all, "Teen Spirit" what? Thanks sluts for helping me forget that shiteousness.
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SHOW'S BAAAAAACK!
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| Prollem, Officer Precious? Yeah, y'all ain't got no Bagel Bites. |
------ Why is there a black person on screen, this is ABC Family? Oh wait, that professor dude is Indian... Why is there an Indian guy on screen, this is ABC Family? The token spots are already reserved for the only cop in town other than that Native American potentially Mexican guy and the Lezbo swim coach. What gives ABC Shambz?
----- I'm getting a weird feeling in my squishy parts that this whole dinner gathering thing is gonna turn into an episode of Brothers & Sisters faster than I can turn a Baconator into un-digestable bile. (UPDATE - I was wrongish)
----- Again Spencer randomly remembers something that woulda been useful about 20 episodes ago. Thanks for being consistently in shitty fashions and consistently smart when the plot calls for it but otherwise stupid.
----- Emily, THERE IS NOT ONLY ONE ROOM IN THE MARIN MANSION TO ESCAPE TO!! Study downstairs when Hanna is upstairs and vice versa... it's not that hard (but Caleb's dick is now that you're gone). Way to un-cockblock, you dykey bitch.
SUCK-MERCIAL BREAK
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------WE BACK Y'ALL
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| So do we kiss now, or wait til' they say "cut"? Both. K, open up. |
----- "Toby, while I randomly happened to pull up to my house/murder gate at the exact moment you're walking away in the middle of the new Jason fog filled night, I wanna talk about what happened earlier today". "Is this about the Hockey Stick?" No it's about Jujubee's third place finish on Drag Race two years ago. Of course it's about the damn hockeystick, you Sharkfaced idiot!
----- "It didn't seem to mean anything to her". Kinda like everything that comes out of your great white mouth means nothing to everyone that watches this show, Toby.
----- ZZZZZZzzzzzz, dammit Fitz and Aria, stop having scenes together you're spoiling my full night of sleep planned for later. ZZZZZZZZzzzzzz dammit it happened again now that Butt-chin and Aria are talking about Mike's robbery past. Stop gabbin' and just pull out the wangs already, you teenaged bitches.
----- What could Mike have going on that he couldn't possibly talk to you and Mrs Montgomery, Chad Lowe? Oh I don't know... his being gay, his being half of "A", or maybe the dramz between you and Mom? Pick your poison. I choose diet coke chemicals.
----- Oh great, Aria is looking around the closet for no apparent reason... wonder if she's gonna find Mike, Fitz, Noel (mmm), and Gay Lucas' sexuality. Or maybe she'll turn into Scream 4 Aria? Nope, just that shitty vase-light thing from Blindilox. (Shambles).
----- Hanna wins for finding a way to fit a healthy weave and extensions debate into KeanuCaleb's sketchy Fast and The Furious car stealing past life-story.
----- Give it a rest, Caleb. You win, okay? Stop with the fauxlisophical shitty lines: "There's a difference between being honest, and suicidal". Please-to shut your strangely blemish-free faceparts!
----- If Spencer's Dad hits her over the head with that stick while krunked offuh that sizzurrp I take back everything written above and ever on this blog... (UPDATE - Nope, didn't happen). But DILF did quote that ghetto ass Trina song with his "Huhn uh, no more questions" line. You go, strangely-in-more-scenes-than-everyone-else-combined-this-week, Mr. Hastings.
DUMB-MERCIAL BREAK
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Olive Garden commerical. As the vomit raises in my throat I think, "Hey, they're advertising Carbonara chicken... anything with carb in it's name is A-OK in my book". But if you rearrange the letters in "Olive Garden" you get "Darn Evil Nog", so maybe a name isn't everything.
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SISTER ACT II, BACK IN THE HABIT SHOW
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| Em is that you? Oh yeah, babe... it's all me. Ew |
----- Like Hanna's randomly one roomed house, is the only place in the world to talk about shit on the top of this rando hill, Spencer and Simba-J? Also, where the fuq is this library Emily's been at for three acts, and how big is this bitch's test she's studying for?
----- Oh wait there she is. Lezzing it up on the floor in Hanna's room. Ten points to you, Em if you eat the secret stash of chicken under the bed and pretend it's Hanna's cooch.
----- Oh shit, drunken parent sex. I don't know if I should vomit or whip my dick out and start playing... wait, what is I sayin'? Def the first one.
----- "It comes from an apartment over a garage off Willoughby". First of all, Mikey Willoughby is in LA, not Penny where this show takes place, strike one. Strike two is you're "I was looking for a gun or something to get away from here..." what the hell does that mean? Are your legs broken like Hanna's last season slash if you're a thief can you not steal a car to drive outta town? Third strike comes with your I wish I was Caleb or Fitz brilliance by exclaiming "I know what I stole, and I know where I stole it from". Yes Mike, what you stole was connected to me and is wrapped in bacon: my heart.
----- At least now we know why the "Mike's been stealing" shitline exists... to give Aria a reason to put dick and balls together to see the connection betwixt Blindilox and Nati-Ami Cop who now has a name: Garrett Reynolds or something... Trust bitches, nothing but a confusing breakup and "A"-wads that stopped being my friend for no reason came from the name Garrett... run don't walk to the nearest exit, Aria.
----- "How big, how hard, how sharp... if it was a man or a woman that used it." Spencer if it's hard or sharp it was definitely a man that used it. Just sayin'.
TAG - Great, "A" loves Jazz and Botox... or is it poison? Who knows or cares at this point... cuz I want seconds of both.
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| Damn, Ez U sip dat Krunk shit. Yup, I use it to stat-rape ur daughter. Iz true, Dad. |
NEXT WEEK
Don't give a shit about that marathon hosted by the doods of PLL, only care about Noel Kahn and what's beneath dem Levis... but I can't wait.
VERDICT???
See "Next Week"... and add "to eat again" at the end.
----- See you next week, Bitches.
-- A
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