Gchats U Wish U Wrote: Triple Threat Edition

Only one of us has a penis, (blonde one talking to tall dude)

     Ok slutfaces and hookerhoes, it's time for another edition of G Chats U Wish U Wrote.  This week instead of our usual two chats we're going with a triple threat edition.  It starts with a short exchange between Skittles and I over Vegas slutdens and working out, then moves on to a Shramble with Kiki over a (presumibly) former fatty actor who ate in my presence, and finally wraps up with a longer chat between new Shambler Ernest about bathroomless vacationing spots, birthday boners, and herpes that fall outta your gym shorts.  I know your interest is peaked and your blood is flowing south, so hop on in here and check out what all the muff is about...

Talk about Up Dog.  Woof!  Hope you like ringworm dick.

    As I said before, this first short exchange is between Skittles and I about the finer things in life such as shitbag hotels in Vegas, working out to get those Michelle Obama arms, and trying not to spew white sauce all over the floor when the hot dude in yoga class becomes your stretching partner.  I'd say try to keep it in your pants, but I never do.

AG: ok and so it is.... bowling krunk this weekend for my bday... please to location of post bowl festivities? why Skittles you're so thoughtful to have it at your place.Also, what is the best hotel with a pool to stay at as well in Vegas?  Kiki is researchingSkittles: Mandalay bay.hard rock if you want to be around porn star types.AG:  Hard Rock it is then.  Literally.  Boner Zing!

16 minutes

Skittles: its my last night at workout class

  you should come with me!!!

AG: um, true story, Up Dog teaches there

  she just got the gig and is like in her last week of training

Skittles: whaaaaaaaaaat?

  did you tell her how im obsessed???

  

 AG: If by "tell her" you mean make fun of you then yes, I told her allll about it.  Haha.

 Skittles: i want to teach there because teachers dont really do the workout

but at [the other place] the teachers are doing all the spinning

  

 AG: that's what she said, she loves just walking around talking and judging people, 3 spin classes back to back is tiring

  

Skittles: dammmmit

  thats what i wanna do

in class, even tho i have been going every other day for 30 days now, i am still the girl in class that always has her stance corrected by the instructor! 

  liek wtf, why cant i get it right??

AG: haha, welcome to me in yoga when hot guy is next to me and then we're supposed to touch feet and pull each other in and out of a stretch as our faces get close then far from each other's crotches.  But also, when the instructor corrects me I get all tingly from the combo of soft whispers and touch... It's very difficult to not bone out when he's smiling up at me and touching my waste looking like a caring idiot of nom.

Skittles: haha oy

me: the whole class i'm like trying to show off for him and then it's like, find a partner, and i try to keep my drool from hitting the floor and then teach is like, grab hands and lock your feet, now really spread your legs and bend all the way over, your pratner won't drop you.  Meanwhile the only thing keeping me from falling is not my partners' hot man hands so much as my boner tripod

 Skittles: hahahahaha

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I envy-hate everything about this image except the foreground

     Round two of this triple threat of Shambles is with series regular Kiki.  Bitch and I go on a Shramble about an event that occured in the office I work at during lunch.  Everybody thinks famous people don't nom like the rest of us hobags, but this one sure does... and he still looks like a centerfold, so there's something to this Chipotle and cake diet I'm on after all.  Well maybe not, but read on anyway.
 AG: So get this [attractive actor from show I work on] is coming into the office for lunch...  Therefore today is a busy day of wishing I was hotter.Kiki:  Ugh, that's like everyday.  I don't even know who [attractive actor] is. AG:  Shambles for him.

  

18 minutes

Kiki: god our internet has been ruining my life for two days

  and by life i mean my gchatting capabilities

 AG: well that kinda is your life, mine too

i wasn't gonna go to the gym tonight but now that [attractive actor] is here i'm reconsidering (body image shambles)

  he looks so much like my friend [Shambler], and if they have more than face/body in common, [attractive actor] must have a huge dick

and to see [someone who plays a vampire] eating a steak fajita sammy and two cookies is kinda like blowing my mind the way im sure to see [other vampire actors] eat on set blows people's minds.   Sadly i somehow wished that even when he's not playing a vampire, he's still chugging down bags of blood

  Kiki: hahaha

  you need to be his BFF

AG:  I doubt he gives a shizz.  he shook my hand and looked me in the eyes and i didn't do a full man shake and probably seemed scared of him because i was more focused on editing my PLL recap

 Kiki: as you should be.  oh well then

  whatever

  

AG: he's nomming on two cookies right now though, it's kinda like seeing a fat person in a "I beat obesity" shirt, it just doens't seem true

 Kiki: hahaha

 AG: OMG he just dropped his cookie on the ground, picked it up, and ate it, he is my new idol!

Kiki: OMG

  FATTIES UNITE

  you need to make a second impression

  he clearly is worth knowing

 AG: clearly------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I said no cheese!  Next time you get the bat, Brad!!

     Finally we come to this opus between Shambler Ernest and I about everything under the pube bone and then some.  I have to say this convo is a personal fave of mine as it fits in all the necessary references like a Hilton sister at a gangbang... said references include: Chipotle, TV, public peeing and the arrest that follows, and herpes.  I won't reveal too murch (no spoilers here), but I hope you've got your tampons in tight and your a-holes clenched taught, cuz this one's gonna be a lumpy ride.

 AG: i just read an article on writer salaries, this chick on a show I used to work for made 3700 a week.  And trust, all she did was look Latino and ask if we have anymore Doritos... if that's what it means to be a writer I should be making millions because I'm always asking for more Doritos.

Ernest: All in due time.  We had a chick like that on [TV show]

  we called her hungry hungry writer

  she did not return for another season.AG: I really kinda just want my own assistant.  I think I'd be a pretty awesome boss... unless there's issues with my food.Ernest: hahaAG: i said EXTRA guac on my burrito bitch! (throws it on the ground and steps on it) clean it up, PA! (smacks PA) that means anger!

  i don't roll with bitches that are stingy with the guac.  Dammit now I want Chipotle.Ernest: lol

  poor future Adrian Grenadine PA bitch.

AG:  please... you'd just have to feed and sex me slash show me what you're working with... who wouldn't want that gig?

 Ernest: i'm guessing probably no one but maybe a gay kid?

AG: yeah, little bottom betty bitch named Brad or Sam Jaeger pretty much

  also i'm double stress eating bc I'm applying for writing diversity fellowships and hating myself because I was born a white dude and that isn't very diverse.

Ernest: booo they never seem to get invited back after the studio paid money is up anyway

  

  a few seem to be talented though.

 AG: instead of just black?Ernest:  or that.         Have you ever been to Morro Bay? AG: No, but it sounds kinda rapey/killery/awesome

 Ernest: lol

It's right near San Luis Obispo

 AG: ah, i been to San Luis.  It creeped me out because the whole town had no bathrooms

 Ernest: what? haha

  

  what part were you in?

 AG: the town square or whatever with all the shops and olive oil tasting.  It was kind of a traumatic experience to say the least.                                                                                          12 minutes

 AG:  I got like mad pre-bone for my birthday festivities tonight.  Gonna be krunk as all get out. Ernest: yay pre boner!

AG: it's priapism because it wont go awaySucks you can't make it.  Hey maybe I can meet you in a dark alley late at night or something and i can pee on youErnest: Oh my gosh that sounds magical

  i was hoping you would offer that up

i love being pissed on at 2am in a dark alley!

  how did you know?

 AG: read it on the bathroom wall when i was taking a dump at the subway station off sunset

 Ernest: brave of you to use public facilities like that

AG: can only catch crabs that way, it's a herpes free zone.

 Ernest: ew and ewwww.

 AG: don't knock it til you thigh it

 Ernest: haha, "thigh it".  i can barely pee in public

 AG: oh i can do it all anywhere, i got near arrested in college once for public uriantion just because i wanted to cross it off my bucket list (public pee not get arrested for public pee), it was dark but on this main street.

Ernest: lol

  awww you've got a record

AG: not really, the Cop was just like, "go get some hot water and pour it on the door", my friend has just peed and she's a girl, apparently i'm better at blocking people than she is... must be all the extra width I have, badumpcha

Ernest: hahaha.  Well you know I'd be at your party but this work thing has been planned for months.  AG: It's all good, I'll see you tomorrow night for krunk round two.  Also i love how you're out networking and being relevant in hollywood and i'm peeing in the streets because it's one of the things, next to "be in a target commercial" that i wanna do before i dieErnest: I'm not that relevant.It's at this fancy bar, i'm not a huge fan of schmancy fancy trendy bar. Esp on weekends.AG: me either.  that's like choosing Morton's over Wendy's because they both have applewood bacon, or buying a night of sex from the Kardashian family when you could just get a homeless toothless hooker with herpes for free... why pay more for the same thing?

 Ernest: hahah.  i'm just lazy and hate places where you can't hear shit

AG:  same here, if you could get wasted in the library and pick up dudes i'd be there all the time.

there was a bar called the Library at college, but it wasn't full of hot dorks, just overprivledged douchebags

 Ernest: lol not so good

AG: do. not. want.

7 minutes

AG: oh man i LOOOOOVVVEEE Trader joe's quinoa, but when you cook it in the microwave it smells like cum

 Ernest: so a strong bleach odor?

AG: more like strong cum odor, but bleachish in origin

5 minutes

 Ernest:  So is it moldy in your place since the heatwave thing?AG: Not really.  any mold in my place is growing in my underwear

wait no that's cobwebbs

 Ernest: LOL

  cause you fear std's

 AG:  slash have Precious Syndrome

 Ethan: noooo haha

if you got over those two things you'd be super popular

 AG:  why eat an orange when you can have a tangerine?  And those are seedless.

 Ernest: Oh come on, what's not to like about you?

 AG: my twelfth toeErnest: haha that was an episode once on a sitcomAG: I'm sure it was on lifetimeErnest: they don't allow men on lifetime unless they're raping women

 or are gay like Tim Gunn or on a Will & Grace repeat

 AG:  well it was while i was in that weird raping women stage of my life so

 it was Lifetime.  i called it the "R kelly" affliction.

 

 well at least that's what my lawyer said to call it

Ernest: case after case as he tries to get you off ... err not like that

  to set you free?!

AG: who knew all i had to do to get off was lie to the cops about my missing daughter... OJ was such an amateur with that whole glove thing Ernest: too soon.  But how can you rape people if you're so scared of STD's?  You cover yourself in bubble wrap?AG: im really just scared of herpes, that shit seems terrible, and people can like shed it even if they don't have a breakout...

  Ernest:  what's that? herpes? nooo just an in grown hair

 AG: yum. 

 i just think if im gonna risk getting something i can't even return for store credit, it better be worth it and i'd better at least know your name and favorite tv show first

Ernest: haha

 AG: Adrian: Strangers With Candy

  there, now i can give you herpesErnest: I thought you fave show was Drag Race?  You should go on it btwAG: no thank you, i mean i'm fierce and all and would win but drag ain't my thang, not even for a costume party would I. Ernest: drag ... dress up ... i mean really isn't it all the same?

 AG:  well only one involves tucking your dick between your ass cheeks

but drag is cool too i guess, haha.alright i'm outta here, i gotta pee and haven't been to the gym all week buti just ate 10 gummy penguins and an almond biscotti bar so there's that to get off too.  get off, tee hee.Ernest: yay inspiration!

 AG: Hopefully my herpes don't fall out the bottom of my gym shorts when i'm downward dogging slash staring out the window imagining a world where I'm rich and on Chelsea Lately.

Ernest: LOLi could see that

  you'd fit in very well AG:  That's what he said.  ZING!  Later. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hey, Gurrrl.  Chin pube ya' later!

     So there we have it.  Do you all feel smarter now?  No?  Well you should.  Because it ain't easy being a hawngry bitch in Hollywood.  Especially when you're not a fan of herps or things with "fat free" on the label and you look like 40 of those Chinese dudes pictured above put together in a ball like Critters when they attack.  Til next time!