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| Is this shit really happening? Bitch I can hear you! |
Good lord do I have a thing or two to say about Last night's True Blood. First and foremost, Alan Ball must be a Shamblette's fan because he stole the most obvi go to joke ever my patented naming of Sookie with that "I know I'm a vampire, Snooki" line. In lieu of a lawsuit however, Alan I'll take a position on your writing staff... kthankx.
But back to reality... my thoughts this ep were mostly; "what the hell is the show I'm watching?" Don't get me wrong, it was all kindsa awesome, but between the gas under Maxine's house, the dead hooker juice covered baby doll of death in Jess and Hoyt's place, and Holly's lack of screentime paired with that little youtube video segment... this week's episode left me with some questions that need a splainin'. So get all up in this shit like Pam feeding, fucking, and killing Laf, Tara, and Jesus and see what you might've missed during last night's 54 minutes of mixed-bagness.
Oh, and the people have spoken. So you'll notice that starting this week there's less links, and more photos with captions. N-T-Wayz, onward ho for the redux...
But back to reality... my thoughts this ep were mostly; "what the hell is the show I'm watching?" Don't get me wrong, it was all kindsa awesome, but between the gas under Maxine's house, the dead hooker juice covered baby doll of death in Jess and Hoyt's place, and Holly's lack of screentime paired with that little youtube video segment... this week's episode left me with some questions that need a splainin'. So get all up in this shit like Pam feeding, fucking, and killing Laf, Tara, and Jesus and see what you might've missed during last night's 54 minutes of mixed-bagness.
Oh, and the people have spoken. So you'll notice that starting this week there's less links, and more photos with captions. N-T-Wayz, onward ho for the redux...
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| Werid ass random shit in Bon Temps, that's wut |
This week there was more crazy shit going around than the inside of a mental patient with a pet monkey's cell. We got two 2.4 second tittay shots of people who need to go away forever, no man bush, and one truly blessed thing... no shapeshifting hobag and friends this week to bore us to tears. But what about everyone who was in the ep? What did they do to get our Mexican Viagra working?
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------S
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| Left hand, dick. Right hand, balls. Twister is fun! |
SOOKIE: Next to Elton John, our least favorite gapped toothed fairy was up to her old skanky tricks again this week. She was all kickass with Eric in the endless woods of death, all woe is me whilst rocking the shitballs outta that season one ferocia side pony at Alcide and newly blonde slash doe-eyed Debbie Pelt's crib, and all "hey there's some weird light shit going on outside my house in the middle of the night let me put down my Harry Potter book and go see what it is like an idiot" at her own crib. So all in all nothing really new with the Snookster... but atleast she wasn't all Beel Beel Beel this ep, so we can't hate on a bitch too murch.
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| Sookie said it was a light day. Bitch lied. |
BEEL: Yawn snooze bore, random youtube entrapment video, did I turn the channel to Spike by accident? Oh wait there's Bill, k just checking. As much as Bill bores me always, me likey how fatherly he is with Jess, and how asshole he is with the I-wish-you-were-cuter youtube feeder entrapment vamp. I wonder if God Mr Alan Ball went out of his way to devote a whole 2 pages to this little "if you get taped feeding then cayn't Lady GaGa himself save you" segment because one of our beloved's is gonna have just that happen to them. Here's to hoping it's Bill because he's really just kinda sitting there like inedible lettuce on the side of your plate at Denny's while dead-dick boning horribly boring hobags so far this season. But isn't that what he's always doing?
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| Trick R' Treat bitch... I need a Visine like whoa. |
ERIC: Ok so I have to say, Eric finally took a nap or something because the whole "Lady Mumbleaid induced amnesia" really suits Mr. Aryan nation almost as much as that sleeveless hoodie and shorts combo from the Nebraska 1994 Old Navy catalogue ensemb that he borrowed from Jason while he's trapped in West Virginiaville was working for him... runon sentence translation: I totally get the whole frothing over Eric Norhtman thing all the fatty's and shutins are talking about on the internets. Do I want him and Sookie to start hot dog and donuting like otherworldly being freaks? No. But do I like the whole "I'm a puppy and know that the shit I took on your new shoes was wrong but I can't help it... love me" thing he's rocking? Hell yes. What a sweet gent he is, and those abs don't hurt either. But what's really working for me is when Eric smiles, he's like a little boy stuck in an Adonis man body... and that's A OK with me and my bottle of half-eated Mexican Viagra.
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| Will. I. am. Nan got fewer scenes than Portia's tittays. |
FOOTNOTE: Nan was not in this ep. Shambles. But it appears she'll be back in lezbo dyke black leather kickass bitch full form next week... so maybe she can make Beel more interesting... or at least knock off a few zingers at his expense like she's some kinda Adrian Greandine with a cooch. Also, that lilith fairy bitch is gone we assume thanks to Eric's eating disorder... now if only he'd work on Sam's new friends, Terry's sister, and all the rednecks at whitetrash manor, then we'd be able to sleep in peace.
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------TARA, LAFAYETTE,
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| Hookah did you just fart? Nah, it was Jesus. It was. |
TARA: Confession time; my lady-boner for Tara is getting more swollen each week offa that new weave alone, but throw in her new kickass "eat puss and axe qwessions later" 'tude and it's "amen hookuh". I like that Tara is all "I remember what it's like to get attacked by a vampire and it still sucks", (even if she doens't remember what it's liek to suck a dick) but I wonder if this is gonna lead to a (shamble it ain't so) battle royale of cheese that is kickboxing Tara turning into some kinda black mamba Buffy the Vampire Slayer... which of course means she might be biting the dust soon like the original Buffy Kristy Swanson and (until recently) Sara Michelle Geller's acting careers.
A lot of folks want Tara dead, but not me. Her sass paired with Lafayette's = my version of the True Blood drink; I need it to satisfy all my carnal desires. Here's to hoping, much like my assumption that just because I don't supersize it means it's healthy, that I'm wrong and Tara blesses us well past episode 12's credits roll this season... but something inside me not attached to another person is telling me this might be her swan song year.
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| Hey, I can fix my hair... but you can't fix your useless. |
LAFAYETTE: Kiki's eyewitness report that Laf has some kinda bird-look going on at the end of the season seems to be proving itself true, our favorite "hot mess dressing but it suits him" ladyman shortorder cut is rocking some serious feather and voodoo beaded corn row thingies that have me concerned for his well being... but at least this Desmond Tutu tribe looking doo isn't that horrible stegosaurus pubes nohawk he was rocking the last two weeks. Thank you Alan Ball and disciples for course correcting this herotia mo-paux your hair people assaulted Nelson Ellis' head with. Blessed be, boyfriend. Still love you Laf, even if your hair person doesn't.
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| Blessed Be. |
JESUS: Not only is J-man in the running with Bill for "most useless blob of muscly flesh invading my eyeholes each week", but this bitch clearly is the worst nurse ever because he spends all his time with his boi-fren sippin' on tequila and bringing birds back to life. Bitch make up your useless mind, are you a nurse taking care of Laf's mom (who needs to bring her racist ass back btdubbs), or are you the new professor of potions and dark arts at Hogwarts? Here's to hoping it's the latter and the curse or whatever means he won't be back for a second go round like all the other dark arts teachers cuz this is one savior I can't get behind... no matter what his abs look like.
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------TOMMY, SAM, MAXINE------
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| Psst... Don't move, Bro. There's some boner on your dick. |
TOMMY: Kept his clothes on this week, but apparently hasn't changed clothes in a while as Sam so eloquently axed him "how long are you gonna wear that thing?" I assume he was talking about his meth head hoodie-jacket thingy, not his cock ring used to keep his dick low and pubes high when the cameras are around... but what do I know? This week Tommy remained Jesus freaky, but only as a ploy to take care of my twin Maxine Fortenbury (more on this in a sec).
SAM: Sam had about as much screen time as a black person in a sitcom on CBS this week, and I'm okay with that since it means we won't see Luna and friends... but whatev. We got to see our beloved mulatto pairing of Sam and Tara this week even if only for a brief moment, and it looks like Tara's vagitarian diet isn't filling her gut cuz bitch sho' did look hungray fuh sum Sam dick. But I digress.
Not sure how I feel about "Paul" and his gas under the house ponzi scheme (this is True Blood bitches, not HGTV). But I have faith in the creative behind this show so I'm not too concerned no matter how outta left field this seems to be. Truth be told I'm thinking this whole "money pits below the house in gas form" will be furthered once Momma and Daddy whitetrash come back to town... but we'll deal with that trainwreck if/when it comes.
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| Hey, where da pubes at... Am I right, ladies? |
Sam is still all "boi you ain't right" with Tommy Wave-hair... and he should be, cuz even though Sammy boy's having a rough time right now, he still seems to want to do what's right. Methinks Sam'll get more depth to him when Momma Dukes returns in next week's episode... oh and don't think I've forgotten about that whole "kill your mom/family member to shift into them" blah blah lame-ass shizz Luna dropped a week ago. Sensing a much needed bloodbath in 5-7 episodes.
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| Gurl this the after 40 side pony... respek the FUPA |
MAXINE: Bless this curlers in the hair bitch. She just wants a son to smother like biscuits with gravy, and instead of the sweet and semi-short bus Hoyt, she's now got a hooked on phonics con-man for a fake son who wants to rape her of her welath like a Kardashian or Girl Next Door. I'm hoping there's no connection between the baby doll of death that won't die in Jess and Hoyt's house and Maxine's love of QVC dolls... I don't think there is, but God help us if I'm wrong because that's lame and weird. Until then though, bless the bitch's lonely Mother heart.
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------TERRY, ARLENE, HOLLY------
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| I don't remember leaving that dead body there. Damn that bebeh! |
These bitches had about one second of screen time. Main thing that happened, Holly was awesome, Terry was still sweet caring shell-shocked Dad, and Arlene was still all "I'm prolly gonna kill my cute yet sorta Asian and fivehead havin' chiren" once this creepy doll Jessica gave us starts getting all Chucky from the daymonz in muh bebeh.
FOOTNOTE: Lady Mumbleade is a cutter, and that shit is gross. Also not sure how I feel about that bitch in the chair slash spirit Mumby is tryinna invoke like Manot in The Craft, but whatever, this bitch won't be around once the whole "withes thing" is over with. Hopefully Holly will stay while Mumbleaid takes that Bruho motherfucker Jesus with her.
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| Wha'chu mean they cut my scenes? Imma cut you, bitch! |
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------JESSICA, HOYT, "HOTTIE" 2, PAM------
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| You taste like "A" Negative. You taste like HIV positive, hobag. |
JESSICA: Bitch is looking all kinda ferosh in her slightly curled locks and tablecloth plaid getup. I loves me some Jessica, I love how she's trying to mature even though her unbusted-before-she-became-a-vamp coochie won't grow with her past forever 16 (pedo points to Hoyt btdubbs)... but bless her for going to daddy Beel for help like the good ole' days (even if he did just sentence someone to death like seconds before) after she cheated sorta with Hottie in da club (hobag points to Jess btdubbs).
Also, bless slash curse this bitch for doing what I'd do if I were in her shoes by glamouring Hoyt into forgetting her confession of hobagness. I swear, if I was unfortuante enough to find myself on Heroes were it not cancelled (thank God), my power would be not only to look good in stripes, but also to be able to make people forget when I make an ass of myself Ugly Betty style. Maybe if we all had this ability we'd be as hot as Jessica and her Hep C devouring self.
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| Hoyt's got a baby dick, y'all. |
HOYT: Not much in the way of progress for Hoyt this ep. But he did get some expo out about that Chucky doll we've been getting hints about (I swear if this is some kinda ghost shit I'm gonna need to change my contacts from rolling these baby browns so far back in head). But anyway, Hoyt was lookin' all kinds adorbs when Jess glamoured him... and the realness with which he plays the tormented lovuh really gets my scrotes going. I luz me some Hoyt, and I hope he and Jess stay together through thick and thin so he and his even-more-diesel-than-last-season ass don't disappear into oblivion like Sam this season.
| Sweet chain, Bruh. Which way to the underground gayleroad? |
HOTTIE 2: Suck it bitch, ok sure. Pam was right, you were a little too confident and vocal with all that sexin' talk, but operators are standing by for your call, boo. Actually, scratch that. Cuz after some internet research, you aren't that hot outside of dim lighting... and you look like a gay Jack Black in case you didn't know. However, bonus points to you since you're real name is Sam Horrigan becuse I've now decided that's to be my new official porn name. Sorry Muffy Jefferson, Sam Horrington is the new x-rated Alias of Adrien Grenadine.
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| Face down, ass up... that's the way Ferocia likes to |
FEROCIA: Pam was rocking the ferosh fashion as usual this week. That spiked murderball shoulder pad thing she had going on was ridiculously awesome (like ketchup on pancakes). I couldn't tell if bitch was living in a cave and acquired stalagmites on her shit or if she planted cactus seed on her shoulder a few hundred years ago and forgot... but either way Ferocia brought it again this week as she threatened to rape the person who, with one newly-lezboed wooden bullet, could end the most amazing thing on this show.
Oh and that red number she had on earlier in the ep, awesomely strange as well with it's one shoulder missing and the other stuffed with bloody cantaloupe chunks. Bonus points for hobag leaving her session with Hottie 2 toot sweet to check on her newly doe-eyed maker... bitch still got a slut's back, and that's why we love her. Honorable mention gores to ginger and her (now grating) screaming thing she does... had she not been rocking that purple mini skirt with holes in the side like some kinda Girl 6 on crack, we might not have welcomed her back with such open legs.
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------ALCIDE, DEBBIE------
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| If you looked like Sookie I'd luv you. Yeah, and If you looked like a brush I wouldn't use you. |
Their appearance was brief yet a warm welcome. If I were anyone on this show I'd be like Tara and get the hell outta dodge. Things in Shreveport look a helluva lot better than Bon Temps. I love how Alcide is like the neighborhood king with all his Dad's houses and shit. No wonder non-methed Debbie took him back.
A careful eye (or anyone with working ones) will notice that Debbie isn't just sober (awfully convenient way of getting rid of her as a threat now that the werewolf shit is over) but also that in addition to her Stepford Wife/Betty Crocker hydbrid look, hobag is rocking some new blonde locks. Methinks that was more than to just to make her look different. It was probs either cuz the actress is a natural blonde and was like fuck that dying it brownish red shit, or because Alcide wants his (literally) bitch to look as much like Sookie as she can... cuz he's clearly got his canine pink thing out for some Sookeh cooch.
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------ANDY, PORTIA, CRYSTAL, JASON------
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| Sashay away, Bud. I'm Sheriff now. Gimme dat V juice! |
ANDY: Andy is always a scene stealer. Methhead Andy, however, steals the scene, rapes it in the ass without lube, and then puts some cash on the nightstand for cab fare. Me luz some Andy, and in better light he doens't look as diesel as I thought he was two weeks ago. But that's all good in the hood cuz seeing him suck on his V covered finger like it was Alan Ball's dick and he was asking for a raise made me smile. But to see him whip his crazy out on Sam and then try to drive away but had issues before he could, well that reminded me all too well of my life and how it seems to slowly be getting away from tragedy, but still seems to hold on to those last few Shambles before a clean getaway can be had.
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| Join us in the grave of useless characters, Portia. Bring Jesus too. |
PORTIA: Bitch I can't stand you still. You got you some Bill dick, we saw ya tittays, and we know you're up to no good. We wish you were as awesome as your brother but you're not... so go back to Dexter. Better yet, don't muff up that show for us too... just go away. Cuz homegirl, you really are not making it easy for us to stop calling you Boreotia. Go hang out in Pam's closet of bloody lezzyness for a few hours and just take in some pointers on how to be both awesome AND evil at the same time, all while rocking some ferosh pumps from the year 1645.
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| Oh the irony of racist hicks turning into black panthers. |
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| Quiet, Jason... the boner patrol is right outside |
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So there we are... another week, another recap... we just keep chugging along and growing from week to week, like a boner at a beauty pageant or a train on a 5 degree incline of Shambles. It warms my gspot dose-of-V-style to post this week, because today is my birthday, the weekend didn't kill me, Thursday is our one month online, and I'm getting paid to do what I love while also not getting paid to do the same on this blog.
So send some love in the form of carbs and cash, cuz a bitch can't work for free forever. I also accept old crusty ass dolls that might be possessed by spirits that a Dahmer baby can lick on. But those are harder to come by than quadruple baconators, so let's move on.
Final True Blood related note... I'm thinking "next week" (which is Halloween in Bon Temps) is gonna be when the spirits of the dead can come forth and get all kindsa crazy witchy. And in True Blood time, "next week" is probably "the season finale"... but we'll see, just like we'll see if that leads to the inevitable ghosts and mummies season 5. Anyway, with that in mind... See you legit next week for another TB recap, hobaggers!
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| This train represents the one I ran on your Mom that made you |
So send some love in the form of carbs and cash, cuz a bitch can't work for free forever. I also accept old crusty ass dolls that might be possessed by spirits that a Dahmer baby can lick on. But those are harder to come by than quadruple baconators, so let's move on.
Final True Blood related note... I'm thinking "next week" (which is Halloween in Bon Temps) is gonna be when the spirits of the dead can come forth and get all kindsa crazy witchy. And in True Blood time, "next week" is probably "the season finale"... but we'll see, just like we'll see if that leads to the inevitable ghosts and mummies season 5. Anyway, with that in mind... See you legit next week for another TB recap, hobaggers!
I KNOW I'M A VAMPIRE SNOOKIE!
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