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| Psst, Aria. This black bitch noms like Hanna. Where is she btdubbs? |
Guard your hotties, Bitches... "A" here with another dose of PLL trainwreckitude to get your Humpday off to a juicy couture start. There's a lot of discussin' and secret texting to do, so tighten that side pony, tug the ween of your former English teacher, and get your scared little pre-teen ass in here to see my mind's shramblings from this week's episode...
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| Whattaya mean you're out of sour patch kids? Oh Gurl... Bless |
Last night's ep is titled: "Blind Dates", which, like many of the PLL costume choices... really doesn't make much sense at all. Especially when you consider that all of said dates in this ep were not of the blind kind, and Jenna was nowhere in sight during the 43 minute opus... but what do I know?
Here's what I know. Broken down by act of course...
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| Bitch, I'mma East Coach Chola |
Ugh Danielle Something's bangs, Simbajaws' face, and wannbe Keanu Reeves' stupid self in the "previously on" promo is making me wanna shoot myself already and the episode hasn't even started.
Spencer, where'd you get that kinda cash floetry on such short notice, and why is Aria dressed like that chola-skank bitch boutta cut Reese Witherspoon's face off in Freeway? I mean it, put some blonde streeks in that bitch's hair and we got a dead ringer for Mesquita.
I'd love to see you give your sister that rusty horseshoe, Spencer... right up her boring faced ass. Why did you take the damn thing for 2K anyway? I'd just cut and run with the cash... or buy something to paint over that lame-ass strategically, yet randomly placed billboard outside that somehow reminded me of that Olsen twins movie "Billboard Dad" (Which Spencer was in... PLL ESP!), but has nothing to do with anything, however it went unnoticed by these bitches for the whole 15 minutes they were chillin' outside with the street people? What gives? Wow, run-on sentence overload. I need more sleep... or burritos.
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| Stop sticking your ass out to invite dick, Gay Lucas... that's my job |
OMG "Cyberbully" really loooks like a hot mess I'd love to warm up to... And until Announcer Dude I wanna sleep with told me who was in it, I had no idea the main chick was Haley Joel Osment's little sister. I knew I recognized that hideo expression from somewhere. My sixth sense allows me to see dead careers before they start.
Double berry pancakes, I miss those too, Mrs Montgomery... every 4 seconds.
Oh yeah Aria has a brother, forgot about that... nom in 5-7 years, Mike... nom.
How do you look, Ella? Fat, that's how. I thought black was supposed to be slimming. Are we preggo, Holly Marie Combs, or just fat?
Oh good, go find your hubby, boring Melissa... cuz you ain't never gonna find that ring... this ain't no Pawn Stars level trash... just trash.
How come the only thing that happens in Hanna's kitchen is pouring drinks and discussin' dramas? And why haven't I been invited to stay there Caleb style because of that reason? I make a mean glass of water and have seasons of drama to nom over, consider it, Marin family.
Eat your tots, Gay Lucas... oh thank God Hefty Hanna is there to nom your leftovers (love that bitch). Side note, I agree, Hanna... Lucas does have mad gayme. Side note part two, I'd love to get you out of a mess, Gay Lucas... especially if it was one I made with/on you (TMI)
Pickup game at the park... that sounds rapey. I'm there if Mike is.
Hanna is so picnic table chic in that Van God-no she didn't top.
Caleb I find it hard to believe between you and gay Lucas, that you're on the bottom bunk. Gay Lucas is def a bottom betty. Oh! That fruit/burrito combo you're pretending to not eat, Hefty H looks amazeballs.
Ugh, nursey friend of British Wren has the same horrible bangs as everyone else I hate on this show, someone call security and escort the hair bitches off this damn show.
Spencer, bonus points to you as your outfit looks acceptable for once, but how many times does semi-cute Britisho have to tell you he isn't gonna help you before you comprehend him? I realize his Britishish requires subtitles, but even I figured it out after the third time, you just kept going to the point where I thought my DVR was skipping there for a second... turns out you're just hard of hearing... most likely cuz you were too distracted by how fake that hospital looks, either that or your hideous hat collection past is haunting you.
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| Sorry, Bitch... Only Stereotypes and Broken Arm Guys allowed here |
Ferosh goth nails, Hefty Hanna. "It's amazing how slowly time seems to go when you stare at a clock" thanks Posh Spice Haircut Therapist from season 9 of X-Files... you've once again proven that this show states one obvious truth while trying to sound smart, like a drunk college kid who's taking intro to psychology. Tell Mr Fitz there's a new messiah in town.
What's the point of seeing things differently if you can't share them with your friends? Well Hanna, change "seeing things differently" to "catching sex diseases" and "your friends" to "Noel Kahn"... then you'll understand the truth that tight-lips Posh Therapist is trying to make... or something
Have a convo with chair Alison? Ok. "Hey girl, why do you look like a chihuahua, when'd you get so tan, and why does your skin look so leathery?" Also, "Why am I attempting to talk to a gaudy Star Trek chair?"
Pickup game in the park time... cool, black people do exist in Rosewood that aren't 32 year old lesbians... good to know also that they're all congregated around the bball court like good little stereotypes... how long til' one pees on a 16 year old while waving a gun around with a joint in his mouth?
Oh good, minority gay dude is talking, but he of course has no important information whatsoever... he's also got really white teeth and bad acting skills. Thought I might be watching State of Georgia there for a second, but oh no... this is PLL at it's finest.
8 pack cepthis face*** alert!. Hey it's Jason Dilaurentis, here to be weird with your puckered anus lips and butthole chin again I see... keep the camera below the face and we'll be okay, PLL camera peeps. At least this time he isn't throwing things at dogs and there's no vampire fog emerging from the ground he blesses with his size 11 Nike's.
*** (everything looks good 'cept-his-face)
"I miss that pink hair" you say, Jason? Is that a vagazzle joke?
Em still has post swim makeup face, but at least Blonde Lez's hair looks a lot better in a 2004 gay Veronica Mars kinda way.
Oh now I get it, Miss Emily's Mom doesn't care that her daughter's a lezbo now, as long as her scissor sister is white... I see. Welcome to Rosewood, Grand Wizards and Carnival Workers.
Melissa has mad jumping outta the shower all quick-like skills, and Spencer is the only one of the PLL that seems to get this whole "hiding in the bushes" thing. Thank God one of them does... Don't make me retract this statement later on, Spence.
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| OMG... you are NOT going to believe how Adam Brody you look |
Awesome! Scream 4 Aria is back. Um, it's clearly Mike who's home you stupid bitch in a pirate costume.
Quandry? If Mike doesn't have his keys, how did he get through the front door? And if he could get in the house wihtout his keys, the whole thing about Aria needing to take them to him at BBall becomes moot. I know we needed Aria there to learn from random minority that MIke's been hangin' out at the local gay bar shooting loads instead of hoops with Jason DiLaurentlips... but come one, writers, make it work! However, I must say... I really want Mike to bring out the "A" like he's doing now so he's relevant. You tell that mousy sister of yours what's up potential "A" contributor Mike.
I'd have a better time too, Danielle Something... if only you'd take care of those terrible bangs once and for all like Alison's killer took care of her and her mini-Schnauzer face.
Crafty Lez likes a glue gun... there's a semen joke in there somewhere... right between her legs. (ZING!) Good save, Blonde Lez... you're growing on me like Aria's mysteriously shifting hair extensions. Keep it up and I might invite you over to Shamblette Jim's place to decoupage.
Still no Mona or Noel Kahn in this ep... shambles. Still no Toby or Mr Fitz in this ep... amazing grace!
If you wanna be yourself, Gay Lucas... get on your knees and start blowing Caleb.
Meanwhile, back at the Spencer Hastings homework cave... Spencer tries to solve that pesky math equation while also trying to figure out where ugz sis is road tripping before dessert time. Ugh, just show the friggen double berry pancakes already, slutbags!
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| Insert Fitz here... oooh a text! |
Cool(ish) The Lying Game trailer... but I thought it was on the CW, Sarah Michelle Geller stars, and it was called Ringer.
I had a staf infection once, British Wren... but it wasn't staf and I didn't have it. Turns out it was scabies and it was some dude who was friends with this hobag I used to know.
Hanna, put down the apple and pick up some cake. Also, you might need to have an appt with Posh Therapist, but in the real world she needs to charge your fatass anyway.
Aria, girl... where is the rest of your shirt? Were you attacked by full-transitioned Mary Anne Sookie style or something? If so you really need to get to Fangtasia and have Ferocia look in to that.
Ominous dead Alison turns around in the chair and bitches out Hefty H... I called it, but I'm so sad that I did. Come on PLL this isn't a Telenovella. BTDubbs, is Dr Posh just chillin' with a hot pocket while Hanna has this heart to heart with imaginary fug face? If so I like her more now and want a referral to her "A" thrashed office.
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| Em's really the best at hiding in fresh bush... Why she ain't here? |
Can random blonde lesbians just roll up on campus like that? I don't care about your throwaway line, Emily... Doesn't that bitch have class back at the Muffy Divers Culinary School of Cooch Tasting?
Ooh I love "A" attacking Posh via wall sass shambles. More please. Another black guy with lines. Go PLL diversity! More please. Still no Toby! Always please.
Gimme dem trophy's, Spencer... I revoke all praise ushered on you above cuz you bitches are killing me with the shitty hiding skills. Plain sight is plain sight, no matter what time of night it is.
911 on speed dial, Aria? It's 3 numbers, bitch... get a clue.
Drama Drama DRAMA!!! This shit just got good as hell! Talk about a missing whore-shoe of death. Go Mona "A", whip deez bitches, and don't forget to kill Aria first. Oh, also... so not buying that suicide note.
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| Bitch, we hate you. |
Not to soil anyone's designer imposter undies, but methinks the real killer is Melissa and "A" (pusher at the bell tower) is trynna frame a bitch. I'm guessing Mel H found out about Ian putting his disco stick in that teenage cooch and she 186'd a bitch... Ian was trying to protect her for the bebeh's sake or whatever, and that's why she was nursing him back to death in that Hey Dude barn that came outta nowhere like new Jason Dilaurentis. And of course, "A" is getting all up in them cross-pubic-hairs to let the PLL know what's up. But I pray I'm wrong and we can put this whole Alison's murderer thing to bed like Noel Kahn after a shower in my fatty tears. Oh and because we missed them AGAIN! this week, here's a little side pony sass and hot closeted hotness to tide us over.
But what do you bitches think? Let me know in the comments. Or don't... but you can't come crying to me when I sprawl a nastygram on your wall in Nikki Minaj pink lipstick for not finally following directions and leaving a comment. One of these days I'll get a bite, and for once it won't be in my nether-region from something that lays eggs.
Til next week's (stank Bitch in the background alert) FUNERAL EPISODE, bitches... Rest In squishy nether Pieces, Ian.
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