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| Alright, Gayface... you've had enough. Nice cut BTDubbs |
Do you like man bush, man butt, man rape, annoying blondes, and an entire cast of people who only get one scene in the episode while others don't get shit so that people you can't stand who suck major ass can get their cameos in instead? If you answered yes to any of the above, then this week's True Blood is for you. So get your handmade stakes, black leather outfits of ferosh death, and try to keep your eyes open while all the boring people named after cars and things that are hard to pass in Congress invade your TV-screen-viewing face-parts, cuz we got some TB Reduxin' to do...
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| I thought u said u were 10... No, I said 11... DENIED, too old. |
Beware bitches and hobags, like a Russian prostitute who just took a shower... there be mild spoilers below. So if you haven't seen the ep, watch that shit like a good little bebeh of demon possessed death, then come back like an obese Pedo for seconds at the Chuck-E-cheese salad bar to read my thoughts on the Bon Temps haps this week...
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| I was told there'd be baby dick here? Yeah, it's in your Speedo. |
Now that those losers are gone, if you simply don't give a shit about said mild spoilers slash HAVE seen the ep, please-to peep the below Pedo-asking-a-10-year-old-to-bend-over-and-pick-up-his-notebook style...TRANSLATION: Closely. Cuz unlike the pedo at the salad bar scoping all the wrong things, once you see what I got below you won't be disappointed... but you might do 5-10 at the state Penn for the criminal truth that I'm exposing like those pre-teen nethers of taboo.
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------S
| Anna stop sucking ass and start kicking it. K Alan. |
SOOKIE: Am I the only one that thought Gappy McWherethehellsiyoursideponythisweek was suuuper annoying this episode? All she did was run around after Eric with a hideous Xmas Tree skirt or whatever that was and tell Alcide what to and not to do like he was her bitch, and not the other way around. Mad props though to Sook for gettin' real up in Plantation Owner Bill's face and lying to a slut about having slaves hidden in her basement.
Do I think Sookie has sort of evolved into a pawn that's just there to give the dudes on this show an excuse to get boners as she fairy sashays around pretending to not be attracted to them? Yes, but she's kinda always been that since last season. True, she's still our main character from witch (see what I did there?) all others branch off from, but for a second there our girl looked like she was gonna be more than just another dumb blonde walking around all bashful like an Asian chick with a fan after someone in her Kabuki theater farted in her direction... but save a few "fux" and some tittay action from time to time, Sookie isn't really proving herself worthy of being the badass it seemed she was becoming. Also, if they be Alligators that "gonna rip you to pieces" in them waters, why the hell are you walking in them to put that hideo blanket around Eric?
Anywayz, it's true yes, Sookie stands up for herself and is getting more confident... but bitch is testing her luck and getting a little too big for her britches with these supernatural beings in her life-parts. I'm just sitting idly by for one of them who doesn't care about her half-fairy ass' delish blood to just snap and pop her head off. Please-to Maryanne where are you when we need you?
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| Sorry, Sook... but the Bon Temps Bumblebees need their Point Guard |
ERIC: Still loving adorable little-puppy-that-you-want-to-love-and-kick-to-see-how-cute-it-is-when-it-whimpers Eric. But we're now 2.5 episodes into our allotted 6 episodes for this shit to resolve itself quota... no need to be alarmed, we're not annoyed with this yet... but time is quickly starting to run out so we hope in the next 2 episodes there's at least some effort to get Eric back to his dick human sucking ways. Also, Eric gets honorable mention Tommy-replacement for his nearly-see-dick-but-sorta-get-pubes-instead work this week.
Also, we would love to see you wrastle Alligators in that shitty pond on the Universal backlot where they used to film Invasion, as well as please-to keep rocking those gym shorts, cuz for some reason it makes me imagine you in full on gangsta wear playing basketball with yuh Vamp boiz in some dark abandoned park after midnight... and strangely that makes me more drawn to your krunked-up-on-fairy-juice self.
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| Talk about back to the bush |
ALCIDE: Sorry honorable mention Eric, we now know who took over for Tommy in the "almost saw your ween but must settle for your pubes" category. Alcy is still hittin' dem crunches, and we're not complaining... but other than his abs and face from certain angles, the big wolf that could isn't really getting my nethers going this season. Here's to hoping he gets to do more than smell Sookie and eat Debbie's clambakes come the second half of the season... cuz as you'll see in this week's Redux, there seems to be a lot of extra useless going around this season.
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| Stop smilin', Bitch... you look like shit. |
DEBBIE: Hideous bangs alert! Jealous bitch better get back on dat V juice and back to her dark roots, cuz this tramp-face has got me DO NOT WANTING the new look. I'm also not buying the whole "I is found the light of sobriety" Debbie. Methinks bitch'll be back to her psycho trash ways by season end... paving the way for Alcide to get his dick wet with some fairy poon, and Debbie to take her jelly ass to the land of beyond with Claudette and (hopefully) everyone else on this show who were introduced last season and are still with us not named Alcide.
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------TARA, LAFAYETTE, SATAN JESUS, LADY MUMBLEADE, FEROCIA------
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| Lezbo is the new black. Respekt |
TARA: Bitch got like half a line this episode, and didn't do much more than hold a gun with angry lezbo dyke face while threatening Ferocia. Tara boo, you losing points with your threats at muh bitch, and if you think what you went through was bad... wait til' Jason gets back in town and shares a thing or two about where he's been. Me-hopes this shared rapage betwizt these two leads to some rekindling of the boning type cuz I've always thought Tara and Jason have had a special relationship... and not in a short bus kinda way, a legit special way.
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| Blessed Be, Hunty |
LAFAYETTE: Bitch got about two syllables in this episode too, but they were well welcomed in my book of spells. Props to Laf for keeping that doo-rag on over the monstrosity of a no-hawk that hides beneath it, double points to him for utilizing his blessed be/Creed music video arms during the spell chanting from Lady Mumbleade back at the Wiccan version of The Dollar Tree.
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| Amen, JC |
JESUS: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.... oh cool now they're in the woods with Ferocia. Who's that Latino guy with them? Oh wait, he's kinda a recurring character. But much like my recurring ulcer, his appearance only causes me pain and thoughts of self mutilation and eventual death.
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| Queen Mother, please-to keep this Bruho outta my face-parts. |
LADY MUMBLEADE: Bitch got to speak in discernible English this week. Plus ten. Bitch tried to de-Foroshize Queen Ferocia? Minus infinity a million, Marnie. I don't care if you were possessed by the ghost of Spanish Witch Past, you have just committed the ultimate sin by trying to ugg up my main bitch... so like a kid who won't stop running by the pool, I'm giving your ass a well deserved time out. The ice is about as thin as it's gonna get beneath your pointy shoe covered feet... you better fix this shit next week or all pool privileges will be taken from you like a teenage girls' virginity in Hot Shot. Bonus Good Usage Points to this bitch for using "blessed be" this week... keep it up Mumbleicious.
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| Stop... Break it down now. Do the robot. Two hops this time! |
FEROCIA: I'm sad to report that Queen Ferocia is in serious need of saving face, and I mean that literally. I am NOT LOVING that Mumbleade and her daemons are fuxing with such old-faced beauty. I can only hope Pam's shit grows back next week, but I'm sure even if it doesn't she'll find a way to turn her ug half-face into a ferosh accessory that'll have everyone wishing they fugged with a Wiccan bitch and got the curse of the Naboo put on 'em. My final verdict on how pissed I am is pending, but will be decided next week when we see how this shit pans out... but I loved how she got all un-PC and called out Lady M by axin, "What are you fuxing retarded?... hilarity in the face of the true death, all while workin' dem fashions... oh Pam we love thee.
SIDE THOUGHT: I don't like that smug face Tara made when Pam got her shit de-feroshified... I'm wondering if it'll be a Pam/Tara showdown later in the season... and I'm hoping this ain't so because I like both bitches, but Pam needs to clearly win... however I feel Tara won't be satisfied until she Buffy's up her some vamps. Here's to hoping she goes after Bill and saves Queen Ferocia.
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------BEEL, BORTIA, NAN, ANDY------
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| You smell like Sookeh. Nom Nom Nom |
BEEL: Like Eric after an all night witch party hosted by Lady Mumbleade, I for the life of me can't remember much about Bill again this week. Sure he went to chill with Bortia and her Gramma Coco Chanel, but the main thing I remember about that scene was Andy and how I wish there was more of him. Yes there was some revelation or whatever about him and Bortia being related while boning (get to Hot Shot y'all, that shit's the norm there)... but other than that I really could give two shits and a fug about Beel always this season.
SIDE QUEERY - Does this little family tree revelation mean that Andy too is related to Bill? Maybe that'll make things more interesting somehow as Andy sure do know how to make a bitch laugh when he's on screen... but I digress.
For a King, Bill seems kinda lame, at least Russell had gay sex and was batshit crazy... Beel is just batshit boring. I mean, even the Burger King is terrifying when he's on screen scaring the shit outta people, with Bill the only thing that's terrifying is his wanting to bone the most useless character to come to Bon Temp since Maryanne's Butler in wait, Frank... but at least he always had food nearby when he showed up.
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| What's Ur favorite scary movie, Portia? BLOSSOM! (head smack) |
BORTIA: Still snoozefest, still fail to see her relevance, still married to Brandon Routh in real life. Translation: Hate this bitch. Only thing sorta making her relevant is her distant relation to Beel, which I seriously hope doesn't lead to more lame ass flashbacks or is the only reason she's around, cuz for real... unless she's gonna start killing bitches or we find out she really has a dick slash knew she was related to him and that's why she's boning him... bitch ain't gonna get any more interesting.
Please-to tell me how Portia can be so boring and lame, yet her bro Andy, in all his Barnie Fife-ness, can be so amazingly awesome? Oh yeah, and Gramma Firehead better not be back anymore, bitch is just another corpse in the pile of things/people I don't need in my life right now... but I'm guessing she was just around this week to bring out the family tree background shit, though I don't know why after one fux sesh (unless I'm right and Portia knew the connection) Bortia would bring Beel to meet Granny for lame and crumpets.
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| Sweet painting, Bill. I didn't know Goodwill sold art. |
NAN: Was only in one scene, but made my pink thing come out with how she stole the show. Bitch can drop an F-bomb like no other... and that leather number hobag was rocking puts her in serious contention of stealing Queen Ferocia honors from Pam... It ain't ever gonna happen, but she is closer than anyone ever will come to fetching said honor.
I hope we get more Nan in her personal life later this season, or next season... cuz as much as we love her sucking the dick of the authority and putting useless Kings in their place... Nan has potential out the ass, and to leave her as the voice of Vampire reason in society isn't fully utilizing said potential... but we got her bumped to series reggo this season, let's not press our luck and instead enjoy what blessings we've been given thus far.
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| Where da dead bodies at, Alan B? I'm getting bored on this V juice |
ANDY: Much like Nan and the rest of the awesome world, home-slice was only given one scene this week (yet Holly didn't get shit even though all kindsa witchiness was happening? For-shame Shambles, Alan Ball). NTWayz, we're not gonna steal what little spotlight Andy got this week by bitching about how Holly once again got none. We'll just praise Andy for being awesome as always, and for making us wish he didn't share DNA with something as hideously boring as Portia.
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------TOMMY, SAM, MAXINE, LUNA------
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| Her teeths... are... perky. Close enough, bitch. |
TOMMY: Yay Tommy can read! But no book is gonna get you outta that chain choke-hold daddy Mickens got 'chu in... But that's what you get, bitch. And yeah, you might know how to read books now, but you can't read people like a good little Drag Queen should cuz if you could you'd know that Momma and Daddy gonna fux ur shit up... and can't no unveiling of pubes gonna save you. Methinks my hunch is right from two weeks ago and Tommy is gonna use the tale Luna told that he overheard about killing someone in your family in order to shift into them to get away from his Mom and Pop captivity...
Either way, Tommy and Mom and Dad Mickens will not be gracing our face-parts in season 5, believe you me. I'm sensing a huge overhaul of the useless this season, and next year we're gonna get back to basics with our core cast. So while I'm interested to see where this shit goes, I don't have high hopes that it'll end well... but that's just the way it needs to blessed be.
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| Well, u know I'm kinda just... existing. But at least I'm not Bill! |
SAM: Lookin' better this week, think you got a haircut or took a shower or something... but you too were pretty useless this week. You are good with Luna's chillenz, but this isn't gonna end well once Weredaddy comes back into the picture, and you know he will (here's to hoping we've seen him before last season AKA it's Cooter, but I don't think that's the case, however if it were this would give Debbie a pretty good reason other than being jealous of Sookie to go apeshit on a bitch... but I once again digress).
Bless Sam's little canine heart, he just doesn't really seem to have too much to do anymore now that Shifters are soooo last season and he's apparently a server at his own bar since all his waitresses are either dead or sleeping on the couch with their kids slash flirting with everything that doesn't have a pulse. But I'm sure Sam will have more to do once his psycho family comes after him in full force, and so I'm fine with him kinda taking a backseat ride for a bit, especially if it's my backseat he's riding in (ZING!)... but please-to don't make this side-trip to irrelevance last forever, Mr. Ball and friends. Kthanx.
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| Bitch what do you think? Onion rings, duh! |
MAXINE: You know an actor is good when they make you hate your life and wish you could choke the shit outta them. In her brief single scene (toldja it was a running theme this week) Maxine made me laugh at her lioness comment, hate her for her "spread the word to all around that Sam shot his brother" comment, and pity her for how naive she seems to be with her chillenz. Bitch disowned Hoyt for going with his heart, and Tommy disowned her by going with his... but like the kid surrounded by a blue cloud in the pool, she of course is the last one to know her guilt is visible to all within a 5 foot radius of her ass.
Sad face for Maxine because much like a Phillipino boy at a Bukkake convention he thinks is related to noodles but instead is just 12 guys standing in a circle around him... he doesn't know that the truth about to happen to him, once revealed, is going to destroy him forever.
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| Awl, you're sweet... I hate me too! |
LUNA: I still don't really care for her, but she was less annoying this week (my heart has only one spot for a ho named Luna and it's already taken by that crazy bitch from Harry Potter). That in mind however, I like Mommy Luna more than slutbag Luna... but not much better. Seems like everything that comes outta or goes into this bitch's mouth is doused in either danger or cum... so if I were Sam I would run as fast as my four legs would take me... but once again the power of the poon makes Sam stay like an idiot. But if Luna knew what happened to everyone else Sam got fresh with in the past (dead, turned the town into orgy freaks, got raped by a vampire and is now a lezbo) she'd take her own advice and get the hell outta dodge and take her little Shiftina Aguilera chillenz with her.
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------JASON, METHTITSFACE------
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| Now it's your turn to learn what rape is, Fenton! |
JASON: Poor Jason. Last week Kiki brought to my lard filled attention how traumatizing it was to watch the finale rape scene. She mentioned how if it were a line of boner wielding doods lining up to run a train on some tied down Hobag that people would be taking to the streets protesting... and she was right about everything. After she mentioned that I realized how I was like, "man this is f'd up, but okay cuz Jason's hot"... this week however when we opened on 4-episodes-in-and-he's-still-tied-to-that-damn-bed Jason getting raped it both bothered me and made me wish there was a free HIV clinic in the area that Jason could get to and check out his peen-parts which I'm sure are just ripe with poon-juice and dick-cheese after his three or so days of non-peeing, non-shitting, non-eating captivity in Deliveranceville.
Thank goodness little bitch let him go and on to his Fenton killing Jungle Book resembling adventure filled escape. Here's to hoping homeboy isn't as looney as Tara after her rape when he gets out of this... here's to also hoping that scratch paired with his wounds really results in him being some kinda Werepanther by season's end... cuz then we could get rid of methface and her clan and Jason could do more than screw chicks and be adorably oblivious to the world around him... but something's telling me that no matter how un-effected Jason seemed with the whole rape-line thing, his days of random banging are over.
SIDE NOTE - Why does no one exceopt Andy and his voicemail leaving, V-juice drinking self seem to care that Jason's been missing for three days? I mean not even back-in-town lezzy Tara seems to care that she hasn't seen her white boo in a while, but I guess she's got her own shit to deal with... also, was I the only one that thought Jason was gonna get his head smushed by that truck when Jess and Hoyt pulled up? Glad I was wrong.
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| Oh Crystal... V has not been kind to you. |
CRYSTAL: Tittays ablaze this week too. Homegirl has seriously let that V juice get to her puss like pizza and Diet Dr. Pepper get to mine. Can't believe how chill she is with her bare-assed brother-cousin-husband getting the ole' Jason Stackhouse delivered death by voodoo staking, but I guess that's the V Juice talking too. Methinks/hopes homegurl and her tittays of death are gonna be MIA for a few weeks until she comes after Jason with her Red Neck Black Panthers in wait now that she's Queen Meow or whatever she said... but I guess we'll see.
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------JESSICA, HOYT, HOLLY, TERRY, ARLENE------
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| Screw dis no screen time shit... I'm watching Vampire Diaries |
JESSICA & HOYT: I think John Bobbit's severed penis had more TV coverage than Jessica and Hoyt this week. Am I glad we didn't see more of them fighting like Hobags? Yes. Perhaps after all the drama they needed a by-week. I'm pretty sure these two are gonna care for Jason like he's their kid, and that's gonna bring them closer together as hubby and eternally 16 year old wife... which I'm all good with.
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| What's that? Portia gets scenes again and I get nothing? Cursed Be! |
HOLLY: Again bitch gets cut, not even a shout out or half a nip slip in this ep. If you need a witch around for exposition and all things awesome, call on Holly instead of the ghost of Selma Hayek past or Jesus. Bitch better be back next week or heads will roll. Blessed be.
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| I think I liked having PTSD more than this demon bebeh |
TERRY & ARLENE: Yet another example of one scene wonders this week. I won't get too far into this one because it was sooo lame kinda. QUICK POLL: Am I the only one that thought I was watching Puppetmaster 7 during the closeup shot of demon bebeh writing on the wall with that shitty marker? Either way, maybe now Terry will get on the "let's kill this bebeh" bandwagon that Arlene's been on... let's double hope that my season long hunch is right and they consult Holly's Wiccan Center For Abortions in order to do it, thus giving us more Holly and moving this strange dead baby doll loving cute bebeh of potentially possessed by Rene' absurdity that is this storyline. Bonus Points to little Damian for being able to write at 1 more than Tommy could at 24.
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| This must be what Heaven is like. |
So there we have it, another week, another True Blood Redux. I feel like a million things and nothing have happened so far this season, which is a good thing in my book I guess. I can feel the setup coming for the latter half of the season, and that's usually when the good shit comes. So here's to hoping my hunches are right and we end on a Halloween season finale... cuz we ain't seen no Halloween in Bon Temps, and something tells me that shit would be krunk as hell should it come around... like a car made out of bacon that lets off BBQ smoke from a muffler that runs on donuts and pizza. Oh a boy can dream. Til' next week, Fang bangers.
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