Gays Do It Better: Disliking Closet Stereos

Then he just put it in my hand. What was I gonna do, not suck it?

     It's time again, gaydies and gentlezmen for the post that's strong enough for a man, but made for those who want to bone them.  I'm here with three hot topics to discuss that prove just how awesome gays sometimes do things better than hot dog and donut players.  So pop that cooch on in here and see why you (a probably straight person) aren't as good as gays at...

Gays Do It Better... HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU

You stupid bitch... your face is so not working for me right now

      Face it, bitches... no matter what you do, gays are gonna hate you for it because if you're a dude who's straight, he can't bone you... and if you're a chick who's straight, you're competition for all the straight dudes he can't bone but wants to get wasted with and try (see below for further details on that).  

     Let's say you look ferosh in that new outfit from Ross Dress for Less.  He hates you for looking better than him and potentially attracting straight hotties, so he's gotta bring you down by lying about how ferosh you look.  On the other hand, let's say you look a hot mess in that new outfit from Ross Dress for Less.  Well then he hates you for looking like a hot mess in his presence, AND for shopping at Ross (you cheap bitch).  You can't win for losing this one, people.  If a gay wants to hate you for everything that you are AND aren't doing; he's gonna hate... and it's gonna be viciously gay.  

     Don't believe me?  Well look at where you are right now.  I started an entire blog devoted to hating on other people so I we can all feel better about ourselves, and you're here seeking out that same goal by reading about the bitches who need to get put in their places.  Listen, there's no limit to the amount of Haterade gays will pour on your stupid/wonderful face to get one up on/in you... so don't piss a bitch off or you will get judgy gay face.  

     Straight people just fight or break up when bitches start hating... not gay folk.  We gays love our drama like we love our Real Housewives: wicked, artificial, and with a finale theme-dinner-party that ends in weaveshed and more drama with each mimosa squeezed into our designer IV catheters known to straight people as "straws".

     So the next time you're feeling down and need to be pumped up, go to a gay... he'll talk mad shit about the bitches making you feel down.  And if you're feeling good about yourself and want your gay friend to tell you just how good you look... don't even bother, because as gays we're contractually obliged to find at least one thing about you we hate, no matter how good you think you look.
     If it's cushioned lies about how awesome you are that you want, befriend a lezbo, cuz unlike gays who don't want to bone you and tell the truth even if it's a lie, lezzies tell lies to hide the truth because they DO wanna bone you.  Think about that the next time some bull-dyke at the Ross checkout line tells you that top looks nice... and don't say I didn't warn you.

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Gays Do It Better... SLEEP WITH YOUR CLOSETED RELATIVES

Not foolin' me, friend's Dad... this is the secret shake of Bonernom

     We all know that Aunt Gertrude does more than take pictures of birds... she also eats crow, or at least imagines herself eating Sheryl Crow's nethers.  That little sister of yours, bitch has a serious case of pre-dyke face going on.  And your big brother "who just hasn't found the right girl yet", well he isn't ever going to unless she's tucking a ween between her ass crack... but that's why gays are here to confirm your suspicions, because we've been there, and we're also hot and horny for things still technically straight, yet are anything but with six beers and a ween in them while the "big game" is on in the background.
     To pre gays, the pre-coming out/realizing your gay stage is a tough one full of secrets and (gay dudes warning) fact checking... but to post-gays (or maybe just me) who know what's up, the pre gaysters are the hottest, as it's like boning a straight dude but without all that rape paperwork to fill out afterwards.  Now don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about molesting anyone's little brother or making them do or see something they're not ready to, but a little emotional support and pointers on how to do some things, while also getting some things done to you... isn't gonna land you in a cell next to Rob Lowe anytime soon.

     All that rape-talk aside, I honestly feel for women.  Lots of times they find a guy they like and he's either married or gay which is shambles enough... but to grow up with someone or be related to someone, and find out they're gay because they slept with someone else you know or grew up with, now that's downright terrible.  I feel for the ladies, even if I don't wanna feel them up... but that doesn't mean I'm not gonna jump at the chance to hit it with your hot bro who's got everything I like about you going on, but also has outtie parts that I can work with and a giftcard to McDonalds waiting for me.

     So embrace the gay, Shamblers and Shamblette's... because honestly, if someone was gonna be the one to pull that person in your family out of the closet, don't you want it to be your best gay who you know and trust and is also smokin' hot?  I mean, if you can't bone him, at least your recently divorced Dad can.  And with that kind of garish affair you know you're not gonna have to worry about another brother or sister coming along (that I might bone in 18 years).  Right?

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Gays Do It Better... FURTHER STEREOTYPES

Does this everything make me look gay?

     K so here's the deal.  Gay people (and other types of minorities who shall remain nameless) often like to bitch and moan about how they're mistreated because people only see them as stereotypes.  Well trust, honey, when you use words like "honey" in sentences and dress like a stripper at Fangtasia every time you go to the grocery store, what do you expect?
     I get it, stereotypes are based on some level of truth... and to an extent, stereotypes also allow those being "typed" to take claim of the things being said about them, thus empowering the community.  But there are exceptions to the rule, home girl... not even 16th Century vampires need that much lace and attitude.  You say gays aren't promiscuous, but have you been to a gay bar/gaga concert recently?  It's just a matter of genetics... men are horny pigs, and when you put two of them together that are gay you just get one big gay horny mess. 
     Do we like to sleep around with anything that moves?  Some of us.  Do we want to get with straight guys?  Some of us... but straight guys fall under those same stereotypes too (only they wanna get with lesbians), so it's really a matter of dicks and stones here people.  Stop being such tightasses and let the good stuff in, cuz I've seen many a hobag tying their shoes and I know y'all can take a lot more than the stereotypes being thrown in your way... and since when did gays let crazy bitches spouting shit-talk intimidate them?  That's what drag queens and this blog are for.
     So gays (and other nondescript minorities who say they don't live up to the stereotypes against them) we need to embrace the power we have over straight people of furthering (and not denying) the stereotypes against us.  If we did, we might not have to rely on so many "hey gurl heys" or bench presses to prove we aren't who "they" say we are.  We need to accept the stereotypes as just the way it is; like white people and boring sex or Asians and violin playing... because casual sex and being campy is what we're good at, so why let some bored hottie with nothing better to do make us feel bad for our talents?
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     Do you agree with me here?  Do you want to smack me in the face for what I'm saying?  Tell me about it in the comments, cuz unlike your gay uncle who works at Dress Barn and wears assless chaps to church... I can take it like a man.