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| Hideoprah wants YOU to eat more! |
How you be is fellow Shamblers and Shamblette's? You may have noticed that this week I've been making fewer posts. Well get used to it because I'm only promising one post a day, but I still plan on around 8 new posts a week so don't get your gennies in too big a wad. The reason for this less is more ness? Quality over quantity... well, that and so I can have more time to eat everything not nailed down.
So with that outta the way, welcome to a new recurring Herpes Post sub-feature known as
Fat Club. It's all you need to know and more about making it in this world as a plus size Shamblette. But don't fret, skinny bitches you can read along and learn a thing or two as well. So whether your favorite food is celery, or pepperoni pizza with extra cheese dipped in incing and deep fried in Dr. Pepper batter... click on in here and get to know the rules and reguweightions of one of the biggest clubs in the universe... because you know you're hungry with anticipation...
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| Please-to insert bagel bites here. And fix ya' bangs, bitch! |
So let me explain further what this new feature is. Every once in a while I read an inspirational story about some fatty who ate 40 pounds of cheese in less than 30 seconds... or see some news story about some real life Precious opening a restaurant that only serves things smashed between donuts. Either way, this is a place for all things fat, whether they be food, person, or bacon related... and what better way to start this buffet of bless than with the official rules and reguweightions of Fat Club?
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| Alpha-soup sounds amazing... If by "Alpha-soup" U mean Pie. |
Fa
ct check, heifers... most of this information has been listen in various forms in other posts... but because I'm a nice fuqing person, I'm condensing it all here into this opus. So there's no excuse or arguments for why you should EVER break one of the rules or forget the motto of this, our royal group of middle-roll having people... so choke back those excuses dick-style cuz like "we're out of grits and ranch dressing", I don't wanna hear it.
Besize, it's not hard to follow the creedo, but it is hard saying "no" to that third Baconator... so keep that blood pressure up and pay attention, Hefty Hannas, cuz I'm too lazy to repeat myself again... and I'm not in the mood to argue with your steadily widening ass cuz there be Lays products to consume.
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| My milkshake brings all the fatties to the yard... and they're like, trans fatter than yours. (Yeah, bitches... suck it all down) |
First and fatmost, no club is complete without a motto. So peel back the layers of fat over your eyes and peep this. Our motto is...
"What's for dessert?", and if we ask for the password, you'd better lift up those chins with confidence and udder
"You gonna finish that?"... cuz if you don't, WE WILL EAT YOU!! Oh, and you'd better chant that motto and password at least 5 times a day or you WON'T be axed to renew your saturated fats.
I know what you skinny bitches are asking... no, not "are there carbs in this?", you're asking; "What the hell does 'renew your satty fats' mean?". Well hungry ones, in the context of Fat Club, "saturated fats" are membership dues... and you pay them by consuming as many as possible. The more dues you pay, the higher your ranking in the club becomes... and like Scientology, the more you spend, the higher towards the bacon-filled heavens your status goes... so drop that 500 bucks at Wendy's on your way to Burger King... the Precious Gods will only be more proud of you if you do.
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| Um, I said xtra cheez... I C no cheez. And get dem 'nanas outta hurr! |
Now that that FUPA fat roll piece of cake is outta the way, let's get down to the top 4 rules of Fat Club that you're gonna need to know, love, respect, and follow down to the T-bone steak... or you ain't gettin' nowherez near our hourly meetings at the Golden Corral All-U-Can-Eat Buffet. It's a harsh policy I know, but it's even harder NOT to follow the 4 blubberical truths our God sent from the Heavenly Hams to Precious to etch on an Easy Bake Oven for all to see... And of course, there are NO exceptions to these rules... sorry, that's just how we fat roll, bitches.
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| Bitch, I WILL kill you! |
1st rule of Fat Club: Never split brownie wedges, not with your boring sister, not with anyone.
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| Hey, Dark Green. Unless that cup has bacon grease in it, ur a failure. |
2nd rule of Fat Club: For every fatty there is an equal and opposite re-fatty.
-- This means that no matter how fat you are, there's always someone else out there who's fatter... so keep eating because the ultimate goal of Fat Club is to be the fattest person ever, AKA the Foodha. Cuz once you're there, you will soon grow 6 arms with which to easier nom your face to oblivion with like the ancient Indian goddess Vishnu... you know
what I'm talking about.
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| You're so hungry I forgot to laugh! |
3rd rule of Fat Club: There is no such thing as one last supper, or a final meal... not even death can keep us from nomming.
and finally...
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| Y'all got any ketchup? |
4th rule of Fat Club: Never throw food away, even if it tastes like shit... cuz anything can be made to taste better with ketchup and/or icing.
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| I hate urrybody pictured... but wanna bone blue-tank and plaid |
Like I said, lardos... no exceptions to these rules. We can't afford any Calista Flockhart bitches pencil thinning their way into the club... there's already only so much space as it is... literally.
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| Ewwww... That juice looks like shit! That jacket too. |
But enough of my gabbing, this sausage and cheese hot pocket ain't gonna eat itself... and it most certainly isn't getting any warmer. So enjoy this life mantra of Fat Club, and much like a trip to the buffet... repeat it as much as possible to get through your day of sitting around and doing nothing but reading the Shamblette's and eating things with names that end in "-ator", "-itos", and "-not nailed down".
Now, without further uh-mountain dew, I leave you with said slice of
pie life mantra, but I warn you... you'd better know it, love it, and eat it... cuz if you do, you'll find your jelly donut of official membership on your door quicker than you can say "two large fries, a triple baconator, and a diet coke"... and isn't that what life is all about anyway?
"Embrace the fat, it's a part of you... and it can't be stopped so DON'T put down that bagel!"
Triple A-men, my diabetes inhaling chilrenz! And unlike my feet, I'll be seeing you again soon.
Nom you
fellator,
--- Adrian Precious Grenadine
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