Nerd Alert! Get on this astute ween, stat!

I'm smart, AND sexy... you're just fat and drooling

     Nerd Alert time, hobags.  You're in luck this week too because since I'm taking Monday off for the 4th of Jew-lie Holiday, you not only got 12 posts this week instead of 10, but you also finally get to see what I look like (that's me above).  So while you try to keep your nethers from dripping all over the place while obsessing over my smoldering hotness, skip over this next parenthetical (that's not really me above) and jump on in to see what you should be getting to know over the three day weekend for fear of everyone relevant giving you permanent stank eye cuz you're so uncultured in the ways of life pop culture...

BOOK:   "Where's the poop?"

It's on CBS' fall lineup

     Don't judge a book by it's title.  This little treasure isn't about taking a dump on someone's chest, looking down, and not seeing anything there (your first thought I'm sure)... it's a chilren's book of terrifying horror where you have to search each page to find where the little animal took a dump... I'm sooo not kidding.

     Each page turned is a gradually increasing exercise in WTF?.  Whether it's the pink fish poop puddle left hidden (spoiler) behind the glacier on the penguin page that looks more like Lindsay Lohan's bathroom floor after she queefs and sneezes at the same time, or the final (major spoiler) image of a little girl sitting on a toilet smiling like she just raped the entire cast of True Blood without a condom and then glammered them into forgetting so she doesn't go to jail... this book is scarier than anything Stephen King or Sarah Palin could conjure up on the page or at a book signing. 

     So give this little gem of a book a chance, cuz even if you hate it and it makes you feel as uncomfortable as it made me and Shamblette Jim feel when we first discovered it, you can at least go method and lose your shit, only to try and find it after you do.

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TV:  "Chelsea Lately"

Talk about a bad case of side boob

     Chelsea Lately is part of my 1 Girl 5 Gays nightly punch of faboosh TV.  Whether or not you think Chelsea Handler and her minions of doom are annoying, you gotta admit this bitch and I have a lot in common (or so I tell myself to feel less fat).  Whether she's talking mad shit about her friends to their face, being racist, making up words that spread like Katie Holmes' Scientology-issued Tom Cruise lip herpes, or mentioning how she wishes she were drinking instead of working (with me it's eating too)... she and I were bourne of the same cesspool of booze-soaked bitter... and if you don't wanna murder me when you read or pretend to read my blog, chancres are you probably won't wanna murder her either.  

     So if you wanna feel cool and relate to my awesome, you should watch... because if you don't, you won't know the meaning of the word "coslopus", and you won't ever make it into the seventh circle of my entourage reserved for reggos who wish they were me and my coven of evil heifer bitches.

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MOVIE:  "Psycho Beach Party"

Only two see careers ahead.  Sorry side pony, go hang with Xander

     Talk about dragqueenitha campiness in a red wig.  Not to mention this opus was the inspiration for my sweet 16 party since I'm not a chick, and the closest thing a homo could get for turning 16 without outing himself to his parents was a party themed around a film that sounds like a gorefest, but is really the gayest thing to come along since the phrase "hey gurl hey".  

     This flick is pure popcorn sugar with a melted strap-on bisque added for flavor.  Not only are Lauren Ambrose, Aunt Zelda, and Amy Adams in this lovely... but so are the guy that played Xander, and Thomas Gibson from NCIS/Adventures of Pete and Pete/Dharma and Greg/my sex dreams... oh and they're all shirtless/in bathing suits most of the time so try to say no to a boner when that shit's happening.

     This hot mess of awesome is about a murderer going around town killing peeps while sassy bitches and dicks run up and down the shore looking hot and doing their best gay job putting a drag queen penned spin on the 50's beach movie.  There's hot hotties and mega babes galore, not to mention a set of characters who are so gay for each other that one of them can't take a shit because he's so upset about it (no seriously)... oh and said character's name is Provoloney (NOM)

     Basically, you need to see this movie for these reasons:  People from my childhood TV shows getting semi-naked, that useless guy from Scream 3 playing a haute nerd-alert Swedish exchange student and showing off his abs and bodice which are like awww laaawd, the bitchy girl in a wheelchair who I (of course) related to the most, and finally to figure out who the hell it is killing everyone.   Will the gang finger who's cuttin' bitches into sushi before the big luau?  You have to watch to find out cuz I ain't spoiling nothin' (they do).

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MUSIC:  Cazwell - "Watch My Mouth"

Nom, Nom, Gay.  Marry me now.

     Speaking of gay, this rapeist from Massajewsettes or wherever has got beats hotter than a g-spot after a pap smear from Dr. Drew.  His name is Luke Cazwell, just Cazwell to those in the know.  He's a gaywad like most of us (literally).  Not only that, he looks kinda like the former love of my life, works a lot with this hot tranny mess named Amanda Lepore, and is also one of the forefathers/master of a genre known as homo-hop... so of course I was bound to fall in love with his music sooner or gayter. 

     For those of you who prefer genitalia that doesn't look like yours, homo-hop is hip hop created by gays and all about gay shizz.  So in addition to the usual bitches and hoes that rappers drop beats about, Caz raps about licking ass, banging chicks who used to be dudes, and sticking ween in the pooper (which I guess also applies to reggo hip hop too).

     Now don't get me wrong, this isn't as gay as it sounds.  A lot of his beats are about cheeseburgers and fries (marry me, Cazwell), ice cream (no, seriously marry me... it's legal now in NY), or ex boos who are cheap as hell and trying to nom boners that aren't yours.      

     Classic jams include the secret single "Ice Cream Truck", sample lyrics below: 

"I like rainbow sprinkles on my ice cream pie"... and my personal fave:  

"we went out for cheeseburgers with extra cheese/I got my french fries crispy/ketchup on the side/and when it comes to dessert/this is how I ride...".

    

     Other classic ditties are "All over my face" (about you know what), and "I seen Beyonce...(at Burger King)".  The opening lyrics from that jam are below for you delicious edification...

     

"I seen Beyonce at Burger King/She ordered two cheeseburgers with onion rings/she got a chocolate shake/with side of fries/chicken strips/and apple pies..."

     Oh, Caz... I wish I seen you at Burger King.  I'd def help you nom those fries... a boy can dream.  But don't take my word for it, Lavar Burton, you can check out his ish for yourself.  The video of "Ice Cream Truck" can be peeped below... but be warned, this tune is catchy as STD's and there's boy abs and ass aplenty (but no ween), so it's kinda NSFW but not really (more ridic actually)... either way it's required viewing like Caz is required hearing.

 *** if for some reason the video is being a snooty bitch and won't play, there's a link to it HERE.

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AWESOME:  Wolf Shirt Reviews on Amazon

This is my kinda wolf shirt.  Next day shipping preez!

     I know this sounds weird, and it is, but an old coworker of mine introduced me into this magical world.  Not only are the shirts hideo beyond belief, but for some reason there is a sub culture of people who write the most hilario reviews of these things, and those folks need to do guest posts on The Shamblette's Blog. (if any of you are out there I'm serious about that invite).  But I've gabbed enough this week with my bonus two posts, so I'll paste some hot quotes from said reviews below so you can see for yourself. 

     "After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women."

     "Never have such majestic creatures graced the underside of my pectorals. The casual tongue contact from the dominant wolf lets others know that I am always down for a good time".

     "When I opened the box (with my shirt) I was immediately staggered by an energy vortex of pure sexual energy which shot up to the sky. I gingerly slipped the shirt over my head and the second the collar cleared my mullet (Spanish for "haircut attracting more women than a boy-band) I noticed that I had lost contact with the floor and was in fact levitating." 

     I've provided a link to one of the review pages HERE so you can explore the world of fabooshness yourselves.  RUN don't walk there once you're done obsessing over my blog posts. 
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     So that's that for this black-dick-sized week of posts.  Next week remember I'm taking Monday off to recover from carb-induced krunkness for the holiday weekend.  So hoard all the bonus ish you got this week, cuz Monday's gonna be as dry as an ancient hookers thigh with fresh material. (unless I get super bored and post a bonus treasure).  But Tuesday we'll be back in full force to rock your fat-filled socks off as usual.  And hey, if we make it through next week in one piece, we can celebrate our Monthaversary of being ferosh on the internets, and by celebrate I mean nom our faces until we can't breath anymore!  See you Jews-day, hobags!