Nerd Alert! Weekend Ferocia Haz Arrived

Hey, Johnny Depp Face!  Please-to trade bodies with me.

     For once, that squealing sound you hear isn't my middle roll begging for air from it's clenched state betwixt the man boobs and bottom roll... it's the sounds of gallons of faboosh fux letting out their anticipatory joy upon peeping what treasures this week's Nerd Alert! will uncover like a secret XXXXL graphic-T hidden at the bottom of the $5 bucket in Urban Outfitters.  So push that skinny bitch with the cute top in her hands outta the way, cuz Fattrocia Adrian Grenadine is here to share with yallz my pics for all things awesome in the 5 food groups of Shambles that you must-to get familiar with over the weekend for fear of (like a rapper's dick in an Asian groupie's ass-parts) not fitting in like everyone else...

GChats U Wish... PLL Margos & Kiki Peeps Porn

Damn, Kiki... eat a cheeseburger, bitch.

     For once, that rumbling in your nethers isn't body induced carb longing, it's the blood flowing to your squishy parts in anticipation of yet another GChats U Wish U Wrote.  This special in a non shortbus way time we're focusing solely on a slutpendous chat sesh betwixt the infamous Kiki and I.  Topics include: last week's PLL (per usual), food (per usual), new career paths, and we finish it off handjob style with a little chat about a former colleague of ours who now gets paid to have other people's fists up her ass.  It's all deliciously true, and it's all for delicious you...

Good Shitty Movies: Please-To Be Mine... Or Die

I already ate the one that says "Do you make bigger tampons?"

     What do Denise Shitturds, Deputy Judy Hicks from Scream 4 (Hey Gurl Hey), David Boreanaz (emphasis on BORE), that lezbo chick from Grey's Anatomy, that useless bitch from Urban Legends 2: Final Cut (bad shitty movie), AJ from Empire Records, some semi-boneable dude named Woody Jeffrey, bad dialogue, shitty acting, and Katherine contract-dodging, Asian-bebeh adopting Heigl have in common?  Nope, it's not herpes (I don't think), it's this edition's Good Shitty Movie suggestion... and you'd better read on for all the beating heart deets or you ain't getting no candy hearts from me with "Stick it in me" written on top.  But what shitty feature could it be?  Well if you haven't figured it out by now, it's 2001's...

Holy Hot Messes! - Open Mouthed Shit Shoes

Eat your vaj out, Streisand.

     Hot messes, hot messes, Lindsay Lohan!  We got hot messes coming outta our pee-holez here at the Shamblette's Blog, and boy are we ready to golden shower said messes all over this post, and all to make your life just THAT much juicier.  Ok I'll stop will all that nast, but please-to keep reading for all the Caliente-Messita deets...

PLL Redux: Nommin' Good Candy Wif Klepto Mike

Funny.  I see a camera, but no cupcakes on this table.  Who do I fire?

     Like a pedo with adoption papers, what gives bonerz to all who read it?  Why this week's PLL redux of course.  So please-to read on or I will threat-text a bitch... because we once again had no Noel Kahn nor Mona's side pony Ferocia to harden our squishy parts this week.  Because of those shamgressions, I'm angrier than Baby Jessica who's stuck in a plot hole and can't get out until season's end.  But we must be strong, we have to suppress our Noel/Mona lady and man semi's of loin longing and instead keep reading... for like a bad case of herpes, they too will be back when we least expect it I'm sure...

Gays Do It Better: Egyptian Judgement

Bitch stop playin' and sing Rehab...  Too soon?

     Attention all gaywads and lezboynes.  It's a sad week for the Royal Shambly as Amy Winehouse is no more, however I'm now 1 for 3 on my deathlist this year.  So Betty White, Charlie Sheen, and Lindsay Lohan watch out cuz I'm on a roll and LiLo you are now Queen Shamblina.  Whew, now that the inappropriate truth is outta the way, let's get down to some gay stuff.  To keep with our abridged new format, we're only featuring two balls p-lips things that gays are better than straights at... but just because it's smaller doesn't mean it can't still feel good.  So click up on in this shit and let's do some straight bashin'...

AngryBitter & Jelly: Can't Stand You Edition

Trust, angry background bitch.  I can relate... I ordered TWO dozen.

     Another week continues, another AngryBitter & Jelly sammich of haterade is placed before us.  This week I'm feeling extra ABJ, so I've dubbed this edition the "Can't Stand You" Edition, because each of the three toppings on our sammy of FML this week is full of unsaturated fats... TRANSLATION: Things I don't want in my life but are, so I deal with them as best I can by pretending they don't exist solely to make my life miserable.  So take a ride to ABJ-ville and see what all the stankness is about...

The Bitch List: Donating Feathered Barricades

Then I let him gap-tooth fuq me... yeah, that small.

     Hey there, Ween Faces and Vag Heads.  We're back for another week of mayhem and bacon nomming.  And in case you have the memory of Amy Winehouse after a rehab lesson (too soon?), let me remind you of the shorter, yet better like a hyper-mini-dick posts from here on out.  Cuz like a 6 year old with ADD and a bad herpes infection, I know not everyone has a big attention span.  But enough gabbin' about post-toddler herpes, we got some bitchin' to do.  And this week we're sticking with 3 bitches, one of which (#2) is the queen of my bitchlist.  So jump in this shit and see what's already getting the sour end of my bitch dick this week...

True Blood Redux: O My Gravy Keep The Change

Outta my way, Trinity... There's a new leather bitch in town.

     Well, it's already time for another TB Redux and boy do I have some serious duxing to do.  Not only did I have to look at yet another thing I thought was dead but apparently won't go away like ringworm on a locker room floor (Godric), but I also had to deal with no Nan this week (shambles).  Fortunately Ferocia was around to rock the shit outta her new veil fashions.  So all in all it wasn't a complete bust.  But what nuggz of delight also happened in this week's installment?  Please-to read on like Tommy Mickens can't to find out the truth that awaits you...

Nerd Alert! Your Lesson In Ferosh Be Hurr

Dayyyym, Brad G... You is be workin' the hell outta that bow-tie.  Now friend that drunk bitch in the background.

     Get out those sweat-rags, Hobags cuz Imma 'bout to make you sweat over the faboosh selections in the 5 food groups of life in this week's Nerd Alert.  It's like a yard sale swarming with street people this week cuz we got mad stuff for all kindsa Shamblers and Shamblette's.  We got stuff for the kiddies, stuff for the gays (that isn't made of flesh), stuff for the racists, stuff for the weirdos, and finally... stuff for Asians and losers with no friends (the two may or may not be the same thing in this case).  But what could all this stuff be?  And how-to is it so ferosh?  Take the jump with me (if we can manage to get our fatasses off the ground) to find out, in this FINAL full-length post to bless you eyeparts...

Fat Club - Rules & Reguweightions

Hideoprah wants YOU to eat more!

     How you be is fellow Shamblers and Shamblette's?  You may have noticed that this week I've been making fewer posts.  Well get used to it because I'm only promising one post a day, but I still plan on around 8 new posts a week so don't get your gennies in too big a wad.  The reason for this less is more ness?  Quality over quantity... well, that and so I can have more time to eat everything not nailed down.
     So with that outta the way, welcome to a new recurring Herpes Post sub-feature known as Fat Club.  It's all you need to know and more about making it in this world as a plus size Shamblette.  But don't fret, skinny bitches you can read along and learn a thing or two as well.  So whether your favorite food is celery, or pepperoni pizza with extra cheese dipped in incing and deep fried in Dr. Pepper batter... click on in here and get to know the rules and reguweightions of one of the biggest clubs in the universe... because you know you're hungry with anticipation...

Gays Do It Better: Sexily-Private Funny Bushes

So then I was all like... I'll show you whose flaming, Chris Brown!  And then, well... he hit me.

     Hey gurl hey... Adrian Grenadine back again with an ass spanking new edition of Gays Do It Better.  I know after reading the title of this week's post you're at least bi-curious to find out what the hell it is the local queer does better than you and your local straighty counterparts.  Well I won't dangle the ween in front of your open mouth of curiosity for long... so jump on in this shit like a sex-slave with ass up and mouth gagged, cuz you know that even if it's just once, you wanna try and prove me wrong about the three things I'm claiming gays do better than those who eat when they should suck and suck when they should eat...

PLL Redux: Fashionz Is A 4 Letter Word... Ugly

Dammit, Aria... You're fuqing everything up with that umbrella!

     Hey, bitches... "A" here with another recap.  I do plenty of gabbing inside (that's what he said?).  So I won't talk your ear off here... Just jump onward into this bitch like hideous fashions (of which there are many pics of this week) at the shittiest fashion show you've ever been to and see what truth you may have missed while you were judging said fashions...

Shambletorial: When PC Turns Racist

So that's where the holy water cums from.  Damn u fine, Blondie

     Yo Yo YO bitches and Hoes... for some reason I've decided it's February and I'm on a Black History vibe this week.  So if you're not in to all that, take your racist ass away til' next week cuz I've got a few posts which deal with the issues, but make sure you're not gone for too long cuz once I go black I DO go back.  And fret not closet racists, this blog isn't gonna turn in to Jet Magazine or anything because I hate on all races equally, and all people equal.  I'm an equal opportunity hater and caynt nothin' change that... but this post isn't about hating, it's about discussin'.   
     Anywayz, back to the point of all this.  I've written a Shambletorial about a topic that's close to my bacon wrapped heart, even though that heart fuels 300 pounds of white meat... but just cuz I'm not everything Precious doesn't mean I can't talk about those who are and the people who look like me who wrong them and vice-versa.  So pop on in here like a priest in a ballpit of pre-teen bois and try and see what all the racist muff is about... cuz at the end of the day we all need a lesson in diversity...

AngryBitter & Jelly: Sex 4 All But Me Edition

50 bucks for frosted tips and still no one will do me (Shambles)

     Another week, another helping of AB & J.  You'd think the refills of carbs and shambles would stop coming, but apparently life is an all you can shamble buffet, and I of course keep going back for more.  This week there's a theme to my shambles sammy of FML, it's sexy in every way but one... namely, me getting sexted.  But middle roll and man teets be damned, cuz I'm gonna keep on fighting the good fight against unsaturated fats and keep filling my plate with extra slabs of AngryBItter & Jelly, and I do it all for you.  So click on that "keep reading" link to find out what the buffet master of shamblemonies is serving up this week...

Random Bless: "Wegroes" & They Brethren

Holla back and blessed be

     Hello, hello, hello, Hobags.  After the disaster that was last week, let's hope this one gets off to a better start.  And in order to attempt that feat of Shampossibility, we're bringing you the staple posts of the week you're accustomed to like TB and PLL recaps, Weekly Hot Messes, Gchats U Wish, Nerd Alert, The Bitch List, and Gays Do It Better... but we're also unveiling some new ones with ferosh intensity like a Drag Queen at her man-lady debutante ball.  
     So with that in mind, welcome to the new feature we call "Random Bless"...  basically, this recurring post will come at you with the things I feel need a bless more than old dudes in Tivas and knee-high socks.  So click onward and see what lovely gets the stamp of bless in our inaugural laying of thine shambled hands...

TB Redux: Gettin' Krunk Offuh Dat Fairy Juice

Alright, Gayface... you've had enough.  Nice cut BTDubbs

     Do you like man bush, man butt, man rape, annoying blondes, and an entire cast of people who only get one scene in the episode while others don't get shit so that people you can't stand who suck major ass can get their cameos in instead?  If you answered yes to any of the above, then this week's True Blood is for you.  So get your handmade stakes, black leather outfits of ferosh death, and try to keep your eyes open while all the boring people named after cars and things that are hard to pass in Congress invade your TV-screen-viewing face-parts, cuz we got some TB Reduxin' to do...

The Bitch List: Rudely Hideous Guyphones

Dick joke Fail!  Hey, Boo... prove me wrong preez.

     It's a good thing I'm not your period, cuz I'm late as hell on this post... I realize this.  So don't hate a hobag preez, I been in mammal perils of the car-shambles kind (as I mentioned earlier in the week) and things is fuxed up.  But trust, the baby Bitch List post I been gestating this excra day is well worth the strength it took to override those 47 morning-after pills you took.  For surreal though, the car Shamz are mostly over with now, and I'm hoping next week I can get back on schedule and introduce the new features meant for debut this week.
     N T Wayz... better late than never as my OBGYN is fond of saying... so the Bitch List is back again to let you know of the top three things that, like a vending machine without bacon-flavored Funyuns, are pissing me off this week.  So sit back, relax your middle roll, and click onward to get to the well deserved bitchin'...

Is it in yet? Well... it's definitely on my finger

Unless of male origin or attached to Noel Kahn

     Bling bling, Bitches... back from the archives to bring another edition of Is It In Yet?  This time we got some extra faboosh fashions to rock your infected socks off.  So grab that jew-elry coochie box, break out the anti-itch cream, and click on in here to see what new accessory to Shambles we're trying to get out into the multiverse.  But we warned... some folks aren't ready for all the nasty fabulosity this week's topic may possess...

Holy Hot Messes! - Freedom Mailed Herpes

See, I'm not gaycist... I put flaming dark stuff in muh mouf too

     Can you feel that?  It's the sound of today being exactly one month since the Shamblette's began, and Monday having been my birthday.  Feels like it's been longer right?  Kinda like a baby dick in your ass, you know there's something up there that's been going on for a bit, but when you get down to the nuts and bolts you realize you want more... and more is what you're gonna get, Hobags.  Cuz now that we're a month old we're bringing out new features, new friends, and we not cutting away before the money shot.  
     But before we let all that new settle in for good next week, let's keep our horribly dyed roots intact and enjoy the feature that started it all (well, started spreading the Shamblette's word like Ellen's legs at a lezzie clambake).  That's right, trainrex... it's time for your Weekly Hot Messes... and this week, like all others before it, might need to be taken with antibiotics.  So grab your fan and mop and take the jump onward to read about all the hottest messes to bless the Shambles while your bestie holds your hair back...

AngryBitter & Jelly: Don't Touch This Edition

Bitch that's my wines.  Hands off fore I Chris Brown ur ass

    Grab you closest carbs, people... cuz I've got another serving of AngryBitter & Jelly sammich coming towards your over-sized gullet of nom Shambles.  This week's edition features three things you can't touch because you don't want to, you DO want to but aren't allowed to by some higher authority, or it doesn't matter if you do or don't want to, you can't cuz it's not happening in your life anytime soon unless you change your name to Sookie Stackhouse or Betty Saurez.  So get your TV tray in place and settle your Precious tail in front of the computer for some "read more" clicking cuz it be AngryBitter & Jelly time!...

PLL Redux: Bury Me With The Shitty Dialogue

We get it, Aria... U look nekked.  Now stop it cuz Em's gettin' a boner

     "A" here again.  The car drama in my life right now is enough to fill an entire season of PLL, but not enough to keep me from recapping the hell outta last night's episode.  So I'll be less formal than usual and just cut to the chase: get your chunky asses in here and see what my mind was wondering and what you shoulda been asking during the 43 minutes we got to spend in Rosewood with all the hideous outfits and dead bodies...

Shambletorial: When life hands you Ugly Betty

Holy poof, Snookie U got Shambles.  Is this cuz I'm black(ish)?

     Today a strange thing happened, even more strange than the time i took off my pants and saw a clitoris... it started out innocently enough.  I was driving to work blaring my B-52's album and screeching along to Rock Lobster with all the strength my fat filled lungs would allow... when tragedy struck, and it kept striking over and over again like corny dialogue on a CBS procedural.  What could have made my otherwise sorta shambled-free day full of the things this blog is made of?  Read on past the jump to find out about this Ugly Betty moment of a day.  You won't be disappointed...

Gays Do It Better: Ambiguous Mom Sex

That's right, Seth... cup the balls like that while I suck on my fingers

      Well hello there poon and ween nommers, Adrian Grenadine here as always with the gaylight of my week.  That's right, it's time for me to tell you straights, lezzies, gayz, and bi'z why three out of four of you are better than the first.  This week's collection of gay truth is quite special, but not in a short-bus way of course... special in that it involves you, your mom(s), and things that rhyme with dick sucking and coochie eating... I'm of course talking about dick sucking and coochie eating... but fret not loyal Shamblette's, Imma keep this shit as g-spot rated as I can since we're trying out our new format.  So without further a-jew, hide the kiddies and chilrenz if you know what's good for you...

Gchats U Wish U Wrote: Triple Threat Edition

Only one of us has a penis, (blonde one talking to tall dude)

     Ok slutfaces and hookerhoes, it's time for another edition of G Chats U Wish U Wrote.  This week instead of our usual two chats we're going with a triple threat edition.  It starts with a short exchange between Skittles and I over Vegas slutdens and working out, then moves on to a Shramble with Kiki over a (presumibly) former fatty actor who ate in my presence, and finally wraps up with a longer chat between new Shambler Ernest about bathroomless vacationing spots, birthday boners, and herpes that fall outta your gym shorts.  I know your interest is peaked and your blood is flowing south, so hop on in here and check out what all the muff is about...

True Blood Redux: Suck it bitch & gimme a bebeh!

Is this shit really happening?  Bitch I can hear you!

     Good lord do I have a thing or two to say about Last night's True Blood.  First and foremost, Alan Ball must be a Shamblette's fan because he stole the most obvi go to joke ever my patented naming of Sookie with that "I know I'm a vampire, Snooki" line.  In lieu of a lawsuit however, Alan I'll take a position on your writing staff... kthankx.
     But back to reality... my thoughts this ep were mostly; "what the hell is the show I'm watching?"  Don't get me wrong, it was all kindsa awesome, but between the gas under Maxine's house, the dead hooker juice covered baby doll of death in Jess and Hoyt's place, and Holly's lack of screentime paired with that little youtube video segment... this week's episode left me with some questions that need a splainin'.  So get all up in this shit like Pam feeding, fucking, and killing Laf, Tara, and Jesus and see what you might've missed during last night's 54 minutes of mixed-bagness.
     Oh, and the people have spoken.  So you'll notice that starting this week there's less links, and more photos with captions.  N-T-Wayz, onward ho for the redux...

Nerd Alert! Dick Sucking Lips are sooo Fetch

Those bangs are strangely acceptable... my shame however, is not.

     Tiddley-do, Hobags. For once I'm not Shambled with problems, but rather my mood is pleasantly perverted since this upcoming Monday (July 11th), is my 69th birthday!  I'm not excited about turning 70 in a year, but until that shambled day comes I'll have twelve cum-filled months to fit the number 69 into a sentence without getting side-eye like I'm probably getting from you now for saying cum-filled.  But know that because of the festivities, this is the only post you're getting outta me today cuz I got some all weekend Draynkin' to do.  But don't fret little ones, I've made this week's Nerd Alert a long one (tee hee), so it's like two posts in one anyway.

     Now before I get too stank nasty and gross myself out, jump on in to this week's super gay Nerd Alert to see what pop culture Botox you need injected into your face and ass in order to keep yourself abreast of the cooch-trench of fab that the cool kids have already found shelter in.  But don't be scared, dorks...  together, you, I, and Nicky Minaj-a-trois will complete a Nerd Alert threesome that's worthy of a golden ticket to pedo-ville...  

The Bitch List: Weightless Transforming Poop

Blessed be

     This week is more of a shit list then a bitch one, so bless all those in the path of the bitch list this time around.  But don't lose your shit just yet if you're confused, once you see the top three things I'm bitching about you'll better understand.  Because while two of the topics are related to shitty things, one of them literally helps to get it out into the world.  Now, without further apoo, I give you the top three bitchworthy things that, like an evil fiberless turd that just won't go away, really make my ass angry...

Holy Hot Messes! - 4mer Fattys' Fly Fashions

Screw you, Sean Penn.  I sooo called dibbs on the Winona Ryder costume this year!

     Hope you're sitting down, folks... cuz it's time for a weekly dose of hot messes.  I decided since it's a random skinny week, that I'd try and tug at the heartstrings to see if I can't bring back some shambles the faux-skinny I'm feeling has erased.  So jump on in there like a good little hobag and see what earns this weeks' coveted designation as the people, place, and thing most hot mess...

PLL Redux: Bush Diving For Dead Ians

Psst, Aria.  This black bitch noms like Hanna.  Where is she btdubbs?

      Guard your hotties, Bitches... "A" here with another dose of PLL trainwreckitude to get your Humpday off to a juicy couture start.  There's a lot of discussin' and secret texting to do, so tighten that side pony, tug the ween of your former English teacher, and get your scared little pre-teen ass in here to see my mind's shramblings from this week's episode... 

SILOHBS: Short Bus Hotties

What rhymes with "Duck" and can be done doggy style?  LICK!

      I'm baaaaaaaack!  This time with a special extended edition of SILOHBS, or: "Stuff I Like Or Hate But Shouldn't" (longer due to the sensitive matter being discussed--insert ween joke here).  The first time around it was cute pschopaths who got my seal of approval, but this time I'm taking an even more borderline-offensive topic into consideration.  Will there be a different outcome?  Will I get hate mail and death threats for the things I have to say?  Probably not since we're still such a small blog... but take the jump anyway to see if I like or hate this week's selection: "short but hotties"...

Gays Do It Better: Disliking Closet Stereos

Then he just put it in my hand. What was I gonna do, not suck it?

     It's time again, gaydies and gentlezmen for the post that's strong enough for a man, but made for those who want to bone them.  I'm here with three hot topics to discuss that prove just how awesome gays sometimes do things better than hot dog and donut players.  So pop that cooch on in here and see why you (a probably straight person) aren't as good as gays at...

AngryBitter & Jelly: Bitter Body Issues Edition

Every time carbs kill, a bitter Adrian gets its wings

     Menu's here, and AngryBitter and Jelly is what's for lunch... boy am I hungry.  This week I'm extra bitter, like a sour patch kids' coochie area.  What's got my sugar-nethers in a frump, and who's on the receiving end of my AngryBiter and Jelly rape stick this time?  Read on to find out, but try to keep your pants up and your body blubbery or I WILL call you out...

True Blood Redux: I don't do book clubs, Hookuh

Don't let the separation discourage you... Bill and Sookie 4ever!

     Howdy hobags, fellow Muggles and Fang Bangers.   Adrien Grenadine here as always with your weekly thoughts on all things True Blood.  I'm so exclusive I got to peep at this Sunday's episode before the rest of the world, but this ain't no pre-cum redux for all the losers who need something to tide their carnal desires over until they get to see the haps of Bon Temps, this is a place for those who've already seen the ep... so I waited to post until the rest of the chess club got to see the insanity.  Now that we're all one the same bloody page, it's time to take off your clothes, tighten your braids, and get on in here to see what you might've missed during this week's episode...

Nerd Alert! Get on this astute ween, stat!

I'm smart, AND sexy... you're just fat and drooling

     Nerd Alert time, hobags.  You're in luck this week too because since I'm taking Monday off for the 4th of Jew-lie Holiday, you not only got 12 posts this week instead of 10, but you also finally get to see what I look like (that's me above).  So while you try to keep your nethers from dripping all over the place while obsessing over my smoldering hotness, skip over this next parenthetical (that's not really me above) and jump on in to see what you should be getting to know over the three day weekend for fear of everyone relevant giving you permanent stank eye cuz you're so uncultured in the ways of life pop culture...

Whatchu Playin', Fool? -- Pregnant or Fat

Inception Shambles

     Howdy jew-ty, Shamblers and Shamblette's.  This week's game isn't as escandalo as last week's, but it's sure to raise a few concerns and questionable weens out there I'm sure.  The game's called Pregnant or Fat and it's simple.  I'm gonna peep you 6 pics of ladies who are either pregnant or just fat.  Your job is to jump to the comments and say what you think.  Winner gets bragging rights as usual.  Also I have to say that this week I've put the answers below the post, so bear with me and don't be a cheating lazy ass before posting what you thought in the comments.  Now without further adoodoo, here are those six delish beauties of questionable body status...

Gross Yuck Cool: Period Pieces

Boo, Bitch... it's a light day

     Hope you're sitting down for this one, or at least have your legs crossed.  This week's Gross Yuck Cool lives up to it's name (but is less "Cool" than the other two descriptors).  I'll spare you all the juicy details up front, but please-to read on for the gory ones...